Questions about divorce usually begin with people asking their friends who have already gone through the divorce process. They are generally subtle so the person being asked doesn’t really know that the one asking is contemplating a divorce. They ask questions about how the kids are doing or whether they’re still in touch with their ex. To those who haven’t gone through divorce the whole thing is a big mystery and very scary. Usually the person who is contemplating divorce has a friend they will soon confide in to gain support for their own move in that direction. A person being asked is seen as somewhat of an expert because they have gone through it, and the person being asked finds some relief from their own pain by sharing their experience. Unfortunately the questions that are being asked are the wrong questions. Usually the first question that is asked once the person comes clean is, “Was it worth it?” The typical response is the response of someone who felt they had no choice in the matter, so they answer yes. I would prefer other questions were asked rather than “how to” questions. So I have prepared a list of 6 divorce questions along with the truthful answers.

1. Was the person you divorced the same person you married?
2. Was your spouse a good mother or father, or did they beat or otherwise abuse your children?
3. Were you a loving spouse, or did you not care anymore?
4. Do you love your spouse?
5. Did you ever get a marriage manual?
6. Are your kids really doing OK now that you are divorced?

I met with someone today who was in tremendous pain because he didn’t know what to do anymore; he was losing his wife. His situation was so bad that his wife wouldn’t meet with he and I together. The truth is he was not a good husband and was quick to blame his wife for the breakdown of their relationship. They have two little children and so I agreed to meet with him alone, even though I usually don’t meet with only one of a couple. When I asked him if he still loved his wife his response, although in the affirmative, was not very strong. When I asked him if he loved his children his response was clear as a bell. He was worn out and didn’t know what to do. I asked him if he read the marriage manual and he said he hadn’t ever heard of one. I said, “I know; until I wrote it there wasn’t one, so don’t be too hard on yourself for completely screwing up your marriage” (I only talk to men that way). I explained to him that he was like a guy who found himself in the cockpit of a plane, and had no idea how to fly. To make matters worse when he looks back he sees two children, and a woman depending on him to fly the plane. Now I’m not suggesting a marriage only requires a man knowing what to do, but it was an illustration he could relate to. He needed to understand that he simply didn’t have the tools needed to be successful. I asked him if his wife was a good mother to their children and he acknowledged that he had some difficulties with some of her practices. I got all over him (again, a man to man conversation is much different) for having the audacity to point to a few particular things he didn’t care about, rather than point to some of the amazing things she does with the children. He understood what I was driving at. He had the choice, and had chosen, to be mean rather than supportive. So I questioned him some more about her virtues vs. her negative qualities, this time he pointed out her superior qualities, telling me he understood my point. I asked him if his wife was as beautiful and charming as when he first met her, dated her and eventually asked her to marry him. He acknowledged that she was even more so. I then asked him why he didn’t continue to treat her the way he did when they first met. I asked him if someone gave him permission to start abusing her. He said no, and he also said he was starting to understand my point of view. I told him he needed to read the Lessons For A Happy Marriage book, which covers all of these topics from many perspectives, in order to prove marriage is heaven on earth, when you know what to do. Before you get a divorce or even seriously think about one, ask yourself if you are like that pilot in a plane who just hadn’t read the manual yet. Chances are very good you are married to exactly the person you should be married to but have no idea how to behave in order to make your marriage the kind of marriage you deserve. Now the last question about the children; if you believe your kids will be OK after you get a divorce you have been duped. The kids don’t do OK. You could ask any teacher about what happens to children when their parents are going through divorce. The little boys crumble for all to see and the little girls internalize the suffering. Their lives are shattered and their futures become uncertain. Not only do they not do as well in school, they don’t do as well in life. Yes, there are always some who look like they beat the odds but you don’t have to take that chance with your own children. I don’t believe that you should suffer your entire life in a horrible marriage just for your children. I believe you should make your marriage a blissful satisfying heavenly experience. It would be better to suffer if you had to, rather than destroy the lives of your children. With a full heart say to your spouse, “I love you.”