The idea that ending an unhappy marriage is better for the kids is a great misunderstanding that has gained widespread acceptance. Sure there are cases where children are better off when the parents are forced to split, but those cases are few and far between. I hope you are not in one of those situations. When physical safety is threatened because of violence or drug/alcohol abuse a temporary split so the dangerous parent can get their act together may be necessary. There may be other extreme situations that make a split better for the kids but those cases are rare. The ease of divorce does not mean it should be utilized. Parents need to exercise their free will to do what is right even when the easy way out is a tempting option. Isn’t that what you teach your children? Life can be good but that doesn’t mean it is easy. I advocate making your marriage joyful so you can concentrate on being amazing parents together.

Children Have a “Mom-Dad”

Kids are born to two parents and there are good reasons for that. The balance of nature is not meant to be weighted towards the feminine or masculine side. Both sides are vital and both sides have their benefits and difficulties. Those who understand the other gender without prejudice have the easiest time in life. When a child is very young they do not have an absolute preference for one parent or the other but they sometimes temporarily need more of the nurturing mother or protecting father for short periods of time. Most of the time parents are not separated in a child’s eyes. The child thinks that he or she comes from both parents together. That view creates tremendous security. It’s like having two beautiful pillars of strength as a foundational support. In fact anything else doesn’t quite make sense and creates insecurity with all the neurosis that goes along with it.

Divorce Creates Havoc on Children

Divorce is giving up. When there are children involved, divorce is giving up first and foremost the children’s security and benefits of an intact family. Does it make sense that a parent would think of themselves as a great parent and do anything for their children…except learn how to get along with their child’s other parent? This is what causes all the confusion. On one hand the parents are absolutely sincere. They would throw themselves in front of a car to save their child without the slightest hesitation. On the other hand they refuse to make whatever effort is needed to create a harmonious home by loving their spouse unconditionally, like they promised!

You Can Save Your Children and Marriage at the Same Time

We call this a win-win

Just because you think you tried everything to save your marriage doesn’t mean you did. By the time most people go to a marriage counselor they are very near the end of their marriage. Unfortunately most marriage counselors take them all the way to the end. Marriage counseling is rarely the best solution. The best solution is to learn about marriage, gender differences and principles of friendship. They don’t teach this basic stuff in schools so you are going to have to get the info some other way. I wrote a book on it (Lessons For A Happy Marriage) and it has helped so many people. But mine isn’t the only guide, there are others. You need to find the one that works for you. Failures among those who are sincere are rare, even when only one spouse is making the effort (as is mostly the case).

So…

1) Your marriage will be joyful if you are committed to it

2) You must learn the principles that are foundational to marriage

3) One of the first requirements to good parenting is loving the other parent

4) Never give up

Become an educated spouse and you will have a successful marriage.