I have no idea how many age old dilemmas exist, but I’m sure there’s a mountain of them. One of those ugly dilemmas is when you are married to someone your family says they don’t like. Honestly, my heart goes out to you, because if you let it, you will be caught in a push-pull situation that never ends. You love your family and their opinion matters but they are critical of the person you married. The laws of loyalty, which are spiritual in nature, can guide you to do the right thing. Marriage counseling won’t work in this situation because the study of spiritual laws is not part of western psychological training. A marriage counselor will not ultimately rely on principles other than ones that make you think you feel better. It is not that they discount spiritual principles; they just don’t recognize them. Yet in situations like this, spiritual principles will give you all of the help you will ever need.

Loyalty Is The Highest Law

The first question that comes to mind is to whom you owe your highest loyalty. The simple answer is your spouse. The graciousness of your parents bringing you into this world and caring for you is a gift without comparison. But it is a gift that does not command an eternal debt. They knew what they were getting into (OK, maybe not completely) when they chose to have children and it includes letting go of you in stages as you become an adult. The final stage of letting go of their control over you happens when you get married. At that time you become the new foundation for future generations. Your loyalty is to your spouse first and secondly to your children.

Be a Peacemaker

Part of the obligation you have to your spouse is to be supportive at all times and in all situations. When you have any evil thought or utter an evil word about your spouse you are being disloyal. The very easy test that you could administer to yourself as to whether you are being disloyal or not is to simply ask yourself, “If my spouse heard what I am about to say would it hurt his/her feelings?” If there is any chance it would hurt their feelings, silence is the rule. I bring this point up because the chances of your family not liking your spouse due to their own interactions are slim, unless you provided further ammunition to them. So your mission is to heal the rifts that exist between your family and your spouse to the best of your ability. Here are 4 things you can do that will help:

1. Apologize to your family for exaggerating your spouse’s flaws. Admit your own weakness of anger and promise you won’t say bad things about him/her again.
2. Apologize to your spouse and eat humble pie. Do not become defensive by their reaction. Become more and more humble, disarmingly humble.
3. Behave in a way that demonstrates your loyalty. Don’t ask your family members to change their minds. Ask both sides to get along for the sake of family harmony.
4. Tell your spouse in no uncertain terms that you have learned your lesson and want them to know your loyalty to them is your highest priority.

Although there are cases for which the above may not apply, in most cases that I have come across the above is right on. Don’t trade off your family for your pride. Be the best spouse who ever lived and tell your lover, “I love you.”