Discover the revolutionary practical science of marriage through the inspiring journey of Paul Friedman, a former successful San Diego divorce mediator. Explore articles and videos by Paul, available on YouTube, covering a wide range of topics to help individuals rediscover lost happiness in their failing marriages.
When I was a divorce mediator in the “old days”, around the turn of the century, I “heard it all” about how awful sex and intimacy had gotten by the time a couple was moving toward divorce. Don’t misunderstand, I am not saying couples were getting divorced because of their bummer sex, but let’s be honest, as human beings we want to have a great connection with our soulmate and that includes a physical connection, especially when we have sex, that is uber fulfilling.
You probably already know my story and why and how I started The Marriage Foundation because clients of mine asked me to help them save their marriage instead of end it. Well, when I prepared for our first session, I discovered that, believe it or not, the whole world had marriage wrong. You might say that I saw the light. It was clear to me that nearly every marriage that is suffering can be not only “saved” but completely revitalized.
At TMF our reach has grown over the years, and we have a great YouTube following and we continue to help thousands of good people with free and affordable options. But getting back to this topic, and how our TMF ways can help you…
I prepared this little guide to help you big time. It isn’t intended to make you into a Don Juan or Cleopatra, because frankly that is not what is missing (remember, the world has it all wrong). This is NOT a how-to sex guide! This is about moving your soulmate connection up a notch or two, or even more. And guess what…this will work! So, open your mind, open your heart, and let’s get going.
#1 Remember The Love
It wasn’t lust that originally brought you two together to the alter of matrimony, and it is never lust that keeps a couple happy. You are not gerbils! Sure, sex is fun, and fun is one of the cool things about making love. But sex isn’t the main part of our lives and so when you are making love, make LOVE, capitol L. A great analogy is when people go to church and pray but their mind is on everything else except God. True, right? So, when you are making love to your wife, or husband, keep your mind on the love, open your heart, and let the liquid love flow from your soul to theirs.
#2 Make Love As A "Giver" Not A "Taker.”
Don’t confuse the context, here. I am not talking about pleasuring your wife, or husband, I am talking about giving that which begins and grows from the heart, consciously opening your heart from start, to forever. There is no long term benefit from the physical pleasures derived from sex but there is a long term upliftment from opening your heart during your lovemaking and keeping it open. Interestingly, and not coincidentally, the pleasure heightens, too.
#3 Don't Be Crude
You can remember this by singing the old Elvis tune in your mind, “Don’t be cruel” just substitute the word crude for cruel. When have you ever felt loved when you hear the word f***k? That should tell you everything about the difference between love and raw sex. Not just the emphasis, but the whole context will be a billion times more fulfilling when you are loving, not “sexual”. Your marriage isn’t a movie, nor sitcom, sexual intimacy is special, real, and not meant to be set aside ofr sexual pleasure, alone. Your marriage is, think about it, the highest of all relationships, and should be considered nothing less than sacred. You can certainly make love in the sacred space of your marriage, but lustful drooling means your head isn’t in the right place. It should be in your heart.
#4 Anytime Is A Good Time As Long As Its Heart-Driven
I know that sometimes it’s the body that wants to ‘screw’ but screw the body. You are the soul, you are in charge of your body, and you don’t want to be its slave, responding to its biological drives like a fool. However, you are also in charge of your mind. So, when that urge strikes you can turn lust to love and connect, as long as it not on the subway or something.
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#5 Keep It Private!
Girls, this is mostly you guys who like to let your friends know, and you know it. I know it is common but its also “common”. be a classy lassie and keep your marriage, especially your sex-life, private. Thinkk of your marriage as a closed room that only the two of you live within. When you share your marriage with others you are allowing them into your sacred space.
#6 Always Be Open To Sex
This is not just for wives. Men, too, are not always “ready”, but when you think about sexual intimacy as a special treat, like an ice cream sundae that your spouse wants at the moment, you can make yourself into the loving considerate husband or wife that makes marriage all the sweeter by giving them what they want and with the happiness that comes from pleasing your soulmate. Besides, it won’t make you fat and you will enjoy it just as much as they.
#7 Open Your Eyes, Look Into Their Eyes
Naturally, we are all a bit shy when it comes to exposing our bodies, even to our dear wife, or husband. That part of the shyness is okay because we are naturally modest. But because of all the focus Hollywood puts on “sexy” and our material attributes we are all a little, or more than a little, conscious of how our bodies are looking. However, when we remember that we are soulmate lovers and the eyes are windows to our souls, we can use them as channels of love. There is no wrong time to look into our soulmate’s eyes, and pouring our love into their eyes during sex is a wonderful way to open our hearts, just a little bit more.
#8 Words Of Love
I am not saying that naughty words are wrong between you and for some they add a little seasoning to your lovemaking. What happens between the two of you in your bedroom is all okay. But try, also, to tie your words, inwardly spoken, too, to your heart and use them to show your appreciation for them, and your devotion to them. Remember, sex is icing on the cake. Marriage is all about love and happiness. Not just in the bedroom, but all the time.
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#9 It's Not The Act But The Love That Matters
Trying this or that technique that will bring more pleasure to your beautiful wife or handsome husband is a sweet gesture and their pleasure is important to you. But don’t miss the mission, to connect more deeply, and that takes consiously opening your heart. When we speak of opening up with abandonment we don’t mean laying on your back for a belly rub, although thats not a bad idea, but opening your heart, mind, and soul, to each other.
#10 Ultimate Respectfulness
The term respect in the context of your marriage is one that is tied to love. Respecting their needs and desires is loving. Respecting their decency is loving. Respecting their views on things is loving. Respecting their fears and inhabitions is also loving.
The number one killer of marriage, not to kill the mood but you have to know this, is what I call overfamiliarity. That is where we take each other for granted, forgetting how much we love and adore, and…respect them.
#11 Fearlessness
Did you know the most difficult thing to do is open your heart, even with your soulmate? It is also the most wonderful and rewarding thing to do. Fearlessness means opening your heart, pouring out your love, and choosing joy. Sex in marriage is a pure venue for just that