I often ask people, “Why did you get married?”. It’s my conversation starter.
People usually misunderstand the question and tell me why they married their spouse. Or they respond with:
- To have kids
- Start a family
- For companionship… and so forth; including steady sex.
SO, I’ll ask you, too… Why did YOU get married?
I say there is a “supreme” reason; the mother of all reasons why we all got married, and it’s really simple.
We got married to be happy!
Keeping in mind the true reason WHY you got married helps you remember you need to regularly strive to ‘create’ happiness.
Here are 12 GREAT Ways To Create Marital Happiness
1. Turn arguments into a better connection.
Most people think it’s okay to argue when you’re married… well it isn’t! Any argument, big or small, rapidly drains happiness. It’s so important not to fight no matter how much you may hear “its normal”, or “everyone does”.
So what do you do when you’re on the verge of an argument? Because fighting is a habit. Use this technique
STOP! If you are about to say anything that might start an argument, contain it. Redirect! Put your mind onto something loving, like a compliment.
Open your heart! Use your will power to change your mind’s direction. Then go a step further. Turn what could have been an argument into a loving connection. That is what free-will is supposed to be used for!
If your spouse says something that triggers you, STOP! Instead of allowing your mind to get caught by either what was said, or how your mind took it, change either the subject or how you heard it. Again, using your will power, turn what could have been an argument into a connection. Really, that’s what free-will is supposed to be used for!
2. Look for the good when your mind sees “bad”.
Loving compliments brings happiness. Criticizing is the opposite of a loving action, and we all know that.
Instead of complaining, which is one of the worst forms of communication, use your will power to redirect your mind to see positives you can say something nice about, even if it happened yesterday, a week ago, or a year ago. That’s what I call using your memory the right way.
3. Appreciate your spouse for who they are.
Trying to change someone is like trying to fly by flapping your arms; it doesn’t work (no matter how hard you flap)! The reasons for not trying to change someone are as simple as can be
a) People cannot always get there, even if they really want to.
b) People can only change when it’s “time”. Its a very individual thing.
Appreciating your spouse, without caring about their flaws is a sign of both maturity, graciousness, and love. The more you dwell on your spouse’s better qualities the happier you will be.
4. Be aware of your spouse’s feelings.
In this day and age of sarcasm and over-familiarity it has become ‘acceptable’ to poke fun. But it isn’t a loving thing to do. Be aware. If you see your spouse is hurt by someone, including you, jump in and remind them of how wonderful they are.
5. Use your gender specific “powers” to serve your spouse.
You are teamed up as one. So, using your male or female powers to protect each other and express love to each other is the best way to keep happiness flowing like a gentle stream.
Men, never make the mistake of using your “protective powers” against your wife. You are the protector of her and your children. Be committed to that principle. Use your masculine powers to stand up for her and make her feel safe in your presence.
Ladies, never withhold sex to exert influence on your spouse because you are mad. Intimacy is a constant in a healthy marriage, led by your heart. Use your feminine powers to confirm his strength and how well he fulfills your needs.
Make your individual gender benefits serve each other’s needs and facilitate happiness.
6. Smile – especially when you don’t feel like it.
Facial expressions communicate, and everything causes a reaction, positive or negative. Make sure to sincerely smile all the time. Use your free will to make your mind and emotions match the smile.
A smile says “I love you” and “I appreciate you” in a nice soft way. It will not take much experimentation to see how well this works.
If you don’t feel like smiling, change your mood. If you can’t change your mood that fast, smile anyway. It is well within your power to make this happen.
7. Touch without wanting something.
Non-sexual touching, like a little brush up, holding hands, or a light stroke on the cheek are all signs of loving affection. Of course you should be aware of your spouse’s mood, or it can have the opposite effect. A touch with a smile is a sweet producer of happiness.
8. Be complimentary.
Everyone does this in other areas of their life without thinking anything of it. In your marriage, where it does the most universal good, people forget how effectively it creates happiness. Create a mental list of all the things you can compliment your spouse about.
9. Be a good listener.
Most wait for their spouse to finish speaking only so they can voice their own opinion. That’s not being a listener.
Listen to understand your spouse’s ideas, both spoken, and behind what they say.
Listen! Understand! Maybe repeat what you think you heard, just to be sure. Then think about what they said before you respond. Then be complimentary, no matter what.
10. Stay in loving touch throughout the day.
Don’t call or text only when you want something, need an answer to something, or need the kids picked up.
Take the time, even if its less than a minute, to remind them how important they are to you.
11. Hold hands with purpose.
In public and in private, and whenever you are walking together. Be proud of them, and smile! Visualize your love flowing from your heart through your hand to their heart. Every action can convey love, which produces happiness.
12. Show them and tell them you’re proud of them.
It is a truly loving gesture to tell your spouse you are proud of them, using those very words. It is almost as good as saying “I love you”. And don’t forget to smile.
Remember to be sincere, or the above will be only partially effective, at best.
The way to become sincere when you are not “feeling it”, is by learning how to control your mind. Self-control is about controlling your own mind.
Marriage is supposed to produce unbelievable happiness
If your marriage is not producing joy every single day, try these ideas as a way of starting to get your marriage back track. Don’t settle for a marriage that is just okay. Learn more about creating marital happiness.
We have books, courses and offer free guidance from our counselors (all found in the menu). But I really recommend you join me for a free webinar, so you can learn much more about how we help marriages improve, even from the most difficult situations. If we can help you, we will.
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Good will and Blessings