The 2 Best Reasons To Stop Divorce

So you want to learn how to stop divorce?

The reasons to stop your divorce are plentiful, but we know the two BEST reasons to stop it. People generally think they cannot stop divorce once they’ve reach an imaginary tipping point.

The 2 Best Reasons To Stop Divorce


You already know the score when someone says, “Oh, I have given it my all, but…” or the couple has retained divorce lawyers. Be honest you think once the decision has been made, it is all but over. But that is just not true.


Here’s the truth:

  1. People do care if you stay together or get a divorce. Not only do we care, but the divorce laws were put together in such a way to keep you together, if at all possible. They just didn’t know what else they could do. Yes, it is true! In California, divorce law states you cannot just walk into a court and get a divorce that afternoon. You have to wait six months, with no possible way around that — appropriately called a cooling off period. Of course divorce lawyers avoid that phrase. But the legislators intend for parents to have a chance to reconcile.
  2. Nearly every court insists on a mediation session. Now the divorce courts (for whatever excuses) have reduced those to useless exchanges of each spouse’s position on what should happen to the children after divorce. But the legislators want parents to have a chance to reconcile.
  3. Anybody who has studied the aftermath of divorce knows it is a tragic mistake, and they want you to stay together. Not just for some families or for those couples who really have no good reasoning for divorce. The suffering from divorce will happen, and nobody wants you to go through with it. Divorce strikes a heavy blow to everyone involved, even those who are involved peripherally, like teachers, friends, and society in general. Divorce is an option of seeming escape that has simply gotten out of hand. Just because you can lawfully divorce, and society will not condemn you for it, does not mean it is not a serious mistake. Only divorce lawyers, divorce court staff, and marriage family therapists (those who make money off the parents whose children go for therapy) benefit from divorce.
  4. Many people actually really DO STOP THEIR DIVORCES, at every imaginable point, and sometimes even after the court orders are handed down.

The reasons people stop the divorce process, which sometimes seems like stopping a wood chipper after it caught your sleeve, vary. But there are two reasons, which are unarguably the best, for putting a halt to it.

People don’t recognize these reasons because marriage and divorce, though common, are both little understood.

The number one reason is just right in front of you and has been so downplayed most people shrug it off. But it is not supposed to be shrugged off. You need to consider it.


Your kids will get smooshed!

What makes this so important?

Anyone who tells “Your kids will be OK” or (and this one kills me) “Your kids will be better off,” have no idea what they are talking about.

If you are going to take a closer look, the only time children benefit from divorce is when one parent poses a real threat like a molester or a get-drunk-and-beat-the-kids kind of parent. Otherwise, your kids will absolutely (without question) do more poorly than if you stick together.

Think about raising kids like this:

Imagine helpless children going to a hostile planet with two loving bodyguards, sworn to offer protection and life training.

Then, for God-knows-what reasons, the bodyguards turn on each other.

Soon, instead of sticking to their commitments, they decided to end the whole mission.


And what about the children that require protection?

What happens to their lives?

Who said you can do that, just set aside the needs of your children?

The courts?

Is that where you get your moral direction?

You are committed, obligated, and not off the hook! Not because I say so. But because the situation is an obligation to your children, and it is my job to remind you in no uncertain terms.

Will you go to Hell?

I have no idea.

I just know what getting a divorce does to children. And because you have kids, you need to look into it so you know, too. If after you look into it and feel divorce won’t cause much harm, fine. But at least study this topic so you can make an informed decision.


It is much easier to repair your marriage and make it good

This idea is so foreign to current thinking that I cannot just leave people with this idea. You deserve an explanation.

And here’s the big idea:

It has to do with what the divorce lawyers and family law judges “hide” and then accepted by the masses. Divorce pain does not end for a very long time.

The movies with people celebrating divorce is nuts. Maybe the drinking part or using meds is real.

But first a warning: divorce causes pain and continues on painfully for a very long time, even if you initiated it.

Why is that?

Because it means you failed. And you didn’t just fail a driver’s test or a history exam. You failed in preparing for the most important decision you have ever made.

Putting the challenges of how to deal with your kids aside, because some of you may not have any, you still have “you” to deal with.

Do you think your subconscious mind is not impacted?

Do you think your self confidence won’t be impacted when making important decisions?

And did you know that the divorce rate for second marriages is much higher than that of first marriages?


So what should you do?

The good news is there can be a happy ending! You can create a new beginning! A little game I use for myself is worth sharing, and many have found it useful.

Pretend you aren’t the person who has brought your life to this point

Pretend God said to you, “I’m sending you into this person’s life, and I want you to fix it. You get to start with all that is there, and all the opportunities in front of you that the last inhabitant of this life didn’t see. They got too rattled, and that’s why I’m sending you in. Go get ’em.”

Starting right now, take a fresh look at your life and marriage. But without self criticism or blame. Just take over. You are on a mission from God!

  1. Stop everything! Take a look at your current situation with as much objectivity as you can muster.
  2. Evaluate the conditions, and what needs the most attention and healing, and what needs leaving alone.
  3. Act with wisdom. Stop being pettily reactive and start healing your marital relationship. No blaming, no excuses for the past (apologies are acceptable), and get to work.

Study marriage!

You don’t know how to be married — admit it! Don’t blame your spouse! Do your part to heal the marriage. God sent you, not them, to heal it.

When women work on their marriages, it rarely matters if their husband is a total dork. When women work on their marriages, they win! Their husbands usually come around, sometimes it a takes a bit, but they do.


It is not too late to stop your divorce process

It is my passion and my mission to stop divorce.

Divorce is destroying my country and eroding families. It has undermined my community and impacted my children. It has defined the society within which I live in terms that are an embarrassment. I see people who give up on the spiritual values and moral standards that make up the foundation for a successful society. My friends and neighbors have learned to rationalize, as have I.


Believe in God

It isn’t my way to push religion on others nor do I believe that my way of seeing and worshiping God is the only way; contrarily, I respect and admire all beliefs and religions.

But I am openly angry with the godless religion called Freudian psychology.

Followers of this practice have provided myriad excuses for abandoning children and soulmates instead of admitting to the great flaw of their philosophy. They have refused to acknowledge the spiritual core of humanity and in so doing have denied themselves serious study and understanding of marriage, which was invented by, and is a gift from, God.


So how can you fix something when you deny one third of it even exists?

Over 95% of Americans openly express believing in a supreme being. I don’t know the exact statistics, but I am sure a huge percentage of those people (which includes me) believe that a man/woman is essentially a soul and spiritual.

This is the point where you can conclude that we are souls with bodies and minds.

Most of us know that prayer is the most powerful force in the universe, yet how often have you heard of a Freudian psychologist who suggested prayer as part of their therapy?

Well, I suggest prayer.

God made the universe in a very mathematical and practical way. He made it understandable so we could enjoy his creation. But when we turn our lives over to individuals who have no idea what they’re doing, we only have ourselves to blame.

Would you bring your car to an auto repairman who had a 6% success rate?

Of course not!

To sum up, we can stop divorce.

But first you have to stop your own relationship from ending in divorce. It is not only possible, it is simple, fast, and inexpensive when you know how.

Don’t give up.

Go solve it.

Don’t lose the best friend you have ever had because of a few minor problems.

My book, Lessons for a Happy Marriage, helps those with troubled marriages because I believe everyone can have a joyous marriage once they understand how to.

The greatest incentive I had to create the lessons was the suffering I saw among our children.

The divorce problem goes even further beyond the immediate impacts. I have now made it my life’s mission to eradicate the need for divorce through marriage education.

I will do everything I can to combat the causes of divorce at every level.

If you are currently married, please tell your spouse, “I love you,” so you can learn to appreciate one another. It’s your decision to stop divorce.

Paul Friedman
Paul Friedman
Founder, The Marriage Foundation
Paul devised an entirely new approach to marriage that empowers individuals to finally understand and cultivate expanding happiness and love in their marriages.

He has written two books, produced several video educational programs, regularly speaks on marriage, and founded The Marriage Foundation as a non-profit organization.

Our mission is to end divorce by spreading Paul's revolutionary marriage system around the world. We have helped thousands of individuals and couples for nearly 20 years and in over 45 countries.

34 thoughts on “The 2 Best Reasons To Stop Divorce

  1. Arthur Reply

    Can you help a marriage that is just in the beginning stage of divorce?
    It needs outside help or its doomed.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      We can give you the help you need, and have helped many people who are the edge of divorce. In fact, I started from divorce mediation, so you might say that our program is designed for the most difficult cases. Now, I cannot guarantee your marriage will remain intact, because I don’t know (and I am not asking) where everyone stands at the moment. But if you both want to save your marriage, that is almost certainly going to happen. But please, do NOT go to couples counseling, or the chances for saving your marriage are not going to be very good at all.

  2. Sandy Reply

    He wants divorce but is avoiding seeing me or talking about it, but will text random until last few days, I don’t want divorce I was blindsided by his lone decision with no prior attempts to let me know he was in that place… married 22 years, 2 sons both starting college fall, he says he don’t want to see me hurt but won’t talk with me.. he walked out 8 weeks ago and hasn’t been back for things but did help move our sons to college…. i love him unconditionally he gave lots of daily life annoyance reasons and lots of midlife reasons almost 50, want to live, I’m not in love anymore, I care for you deeply( which is love for me)

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      When I read your note it hurts very much, because I don’t want your marriage to end up on the failed list. Naturally, I could dissect your message, but that will only add to your confusion. In fact, I don’t allow any of our counselors to entertain ANY “back-stories”. Instead of analyzing your current situation, which is what Western Psychologists do, wasting valuable time, we start right now. In your case, although you think its all over, we would encourage you to learn how to initiate a strategy that has everything to do without the past. Will that work? Almost always.
      I strongly suggest you avoid any other approach. They will all be based on Western Psych, and will make matters much worse. Read our differences in this article again. See if doesn’t make sense. Then get the program. It will work better than any other effort you make… and stay in touch,

  3. Mawbi Reply

    I thought I’d won the lottery for over 25 years, sure there was stuff but he always let me know it was not at all what I thought. We were inseparable. I built a business based on shared dreams over countless miles of long walks. We were a success and life was a dream. Then I got sick, and he tended to me like a mother to her newborn. I got better and was ecstatic to reconnect. His first attack came out of the blue, then more and more. Mental annihilation, physical beatings, emotional ice. I now am two years + when it all blew up and he wants to make it work. BUT, on different terms. That we are each responsible for our own happiness and issues. He has let me know in every possible way that I mean nothing to him, he doesn’t accept our marriage and it was proof how deluded I was by thinking it was happy. It was happy! What I learned was that he lied to me everyday of our relationship, wanted to leave me at the alter (after trying sex with the person he will then esconce as my best friend, and want to leave me for, for the first 3-1/2 years of marriage), that while I had a celibate marriage (I tried for over 10 years and he always gave me his back), that after waiting 3 days to consummate our marriage he had to think of ‘her’ and that he’d lusted after every women I’d ever had in my home and life. Oh, and he was a sex addict. When his first disclosure got past 6 people (including my caregiver while I was ill, she had soft hands he said) he began to talk about my grand daughter and how exciting she had been when she visited last. She was 6 years old. I popped. By interrupting him, I got it ‘all’ wrong. Anyway there was no effort from him and only impatience and annoyance as I tried to make sense of it. More came, and came, and came. Now here I sit, he has just told me his terms-ish, and does not see that this is a shared experience but every man for himself. But he assures me how much he wants to stay married but we need a new ‘contract’, I said my vows are still my contract but he refused to agree. He has read a book and I should read it (I’m theone who gave it to him, he always fixates on who ever he read last) and he is interpretting everything black and white, and shoring up to either live life on his terms, whether I like it or not, and if I don’t he will leave. No other options seem open. Why am I still fighting for this? I have gone crazy over it all, I am still very unwell (I was semi conscious for over a year and had to rebuild my memories and speech), I have the most sweet, innocent little rescues who deserve stability and I am alone. I woke up completely in a foreign land and am so scared, I want my husband back but he doesn’t want it because it wasn’t who he was. I didn’t know. He has always leaned on me and I let him, I loved being needed, I loved being loved by a man I thought gave me back my faith in humanity. It’s been a grim time, but I think my illness broke him and I see he has faced some things before stuffing them away — he has always been full of fear (but no one knew that but me, and I was there for him in anyway he needed). I have always wanted to walk hand in hand, never lead or be led. I have no idea what to think. I know it’s about the ‘now’, but my now has everything to do with my everything, because it has rewritten everything I thought I knew about myself or him. I am open to reconnecting, but in honest intention. Can this be worked with?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The drama of life is fascinating when we look at it from a distance, but it is crucifying when we are in the midst of it. Th suffering you have recently gone through, and many others also, is a terrible thing to bear. Here you are, after all this, wanting to know how to bring joy back in your life. Truly, it is for people like yourself, so humble, do endearing, that I dedicate my life to serve.

      Although my books describe a framework for marriage, as marriage is designed to be, where both gain incredible joy, often it is only the one who learns to give, and give some more, who reaps the true harvest. If you can focus your attention on the chapter called mind, in Breaking The Cycle, you will see who the true enemy of joy is. You will also be able to gain peace in your resolve.

      I admire you.

  4. Shane Reply

    I wish I could soften my wife’s heart. She has filed for divorce. I have been a thick-skulled male, but I have immediately rectified all of the things that I was doing wrong. I do not want to divorce, she said she does not want divorce either. The most tragic part of this is that we have a 7-year old and an 18-month old at home. I can see the benefit of staying married and working things out for all of us, but my wife cannot. We are both Christian, regularly attend services.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Hopefully Shane, it is not too late!
      When I began helping couples I advertised for the worst cases, so I could test my ideas and processes. Thank God they helped many couples who were told it was over by other “professionals”.
      Don’t give up, but use our program. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
      If she already moved out it does not matter. After you guys make the changes she can always move back (or the other way around).
      Don’t give up!

  5. Marcus Compton Reply

    Please pray for me and my wife Ann. She has filed for divorce. Its my fault. I have repented and do not want a divorce.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I pray for you, but remember that God helps those who do their part. Prayer without right action is not going to get you very far.

      • Lily Reply

        Please pray for me as I go through so much pain and difficulty in my life.
        My husband of 10 years has applied for a divorce, separated and moved out of our house to live with his parents. We have 2 adorable children who are horrified by the thought of divorce. I had got to a point where I had just learnt to accept the situation and focusing on moving on but my daughter said to me that her worst nightmare was a divorce. She then said to me that she was praying for a miracle to keep us together as a family. Please pray for our marriage to get reconciled, pray for my husband to have a change of heart and stop the divorce.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Lily asks for our prayers. We individually pray for all who come to us for help. I do so twice a day. However, Lily needs to do more than pray. She needs to get the course for women so she can change herself into a heart-centered go-to for her husband. We pray, and we do.

  6. Kennith Nguyen Reply

    Me and my sibling are struggling with the fact that our parents are getting ready to divorce. Please tell us how to keep them together. Is it possible for me as the eldest to do so?😥🤧

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Kennith
      Obviously you were able to search for and find my articles. I also have produced programs that will keep your parents together, if they use them.
      Unlike marriage counseling and other forms of “help” what I provide will change their lives, and yours.

      Respectfully, but forcefully, remind them they are responsible to keep your family together. Divorce, unless in very rare cases, is an excuse to not address themselves as individuals and as a couple.

      I pray for your family… let me know what you tried and how it worked.

    • Maryam Reply

      My husband and I have been married a little over a year. He became overbearing, controlling, and hypercritical about my appearance, and insulted my intelligence. He is emotionally and verbally abusive and gaslights me when confronted. I had to physically separate myself from him after he threatened to slap me. I have come to realize that he’s on the narcissistic personality spectrum. He has been pressuring me to sign separation papers which my lawyer tells me is a deceptive way for him to file for divorce in his state. I know I will not tolerate abuse and my lawyer along with everyone I know are urging me to file for divorce before he does. I procrastinated for a long time trying to prevent divorce. Narcissists have no self awareness and blame everyone else for their problems. I am heartbroken and devastated.

  7. Paul Friedman Post authorReply

    I read your note and can only guess that you have doubts, and wanted to get an opinion from a marriage advocate. I think that was wise, as the agenda of a lawyer is to get a payment and the agenda of friends is to support you, right or wrong.

    The symptoms you describe are very “male” and although may be too male, they are not condmeable. It is a mistake to assume he is a narcisist based on what you describe. Where did you get the idea he has that clinical mental disease? Unless you have a clinicaal diagnosis you may be describing male anger.

    If I were you I would read one of my books. See how your behaviors line up to how I describe marriage, and THEN determine if you can, or should, try to save your marriage.

    Not one person, outside of you and your husband, has the right to suggest they know how you should proceed. The lawyer, especially, is operaating out of self-interest, and so are your friends, but they do so out of love.

  8. Brad Jackson Reply

    So my wife is seeking a divorce. She had a affair with her boss but he eventually stopped it when they got to deep into the relationship. I by far have not been a saint int the last few years and i found out recently i have a bipolar disorder. My wife has been very controlling over me for years and it has worn me down. We have 3 children under 9 and i dont want to give up on this. She seems completely done. I am lost what to do. She has lawyered up and wants divorce. Over the past 4 months i have tried to show her i love her in many ways but she would never respond to anything. Should i keep trying to prevent this.

  9. Katrina Nye Reply

    My husband wants a divorce. I’ve been fighting it for a couple of months, but our lease ends this month and he’s starting to move out. He told me that he loves me, but is not in love with me. Since we first got married there have been issues that we’ve had to go through. He had written a girl on Facebook and told her that in high school he had a hardcore crush on her before we got married. I struggled believing that he loved me. But, I still love him and I want to fix our marriage, because we barely had a chance to begin with. Now he feels like he can’t give his all to the relationship anymore. He feels like he can’t be with someone who doesn’t believe him when he says that he loves them. At first, he wanted to start signing papers and getting the divorce over with, but now he’s deciding that we can take things slowly and separate for now. I know he still loves me. He still does nice things for me, like get something at the store for me. Or even check in on me to make sure I’m okay. He says he’s dead set on getting a divorce, but there’s still a tiny part of him (.001%) that wishes we could fix things. He told me today that I said something to him a few weeks ago that he’s been wanting to hear for 4 years, which was: “you really loved me, didn’t you?”. But he says that he can’t trust that I believe it. He doesn’t think he can give himself up again for just some words that I said… is there anything I can do? How do I show him with my actions?

  10. Jason Reply

    What if It was more than a few mistakes and a woman feels she’s been manipulated and belittles for a long period of time although there was love and happiness mixed in during the span? This is my situation. I knew I could be mean but never knew the damage I was doing. I was blindsided when she said she wanted a divorce without leading on she wanted one before. I love her so much and want to keep her. We have four young kids but she says she doesn’t like or love me and feels nothing. My world is crumbling and I can’t do anything to changer her mind.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Most men usually cannot stop the slide, only, in my opinion, because even when they take the course they do not go all in. Even in your note, you indicate false confidence that you know what you did “wrong”. I promise you the list does not begin with the obvious. I don’t believe in giving up but crying over the results of your past actions will not help, only the course “might” help at this point. But even the ones who do go all in are often faced with a reality that their wife made up her mind a long time ago and just waited for the right time to tell her husband for logistical reasons. Lastly, you were not blindsided but failed to accept what you saw.

  11. Soniya Jain Reply


    I need your help. My husband n i are seperated for 6 months now. We had a fight and left home at the moment but i do not want to get divorced. But he is rigid on gettin divorved and has not spoken a word to me in six months. Wat can i do to stop it and make him talk to me.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Soniya has waited for 6 months before reaching out to us and that is a very long time for a man to be disconnected from his “true love”. Early on he probably was waiting for her to apologize but may have given up by now.
      Had she written within a few days we would have had her take the course and she would have made the first move within a week or so. But now? I have no idea how one can “come back” after all this time.

  12. Kenon Reply

    We only dated for two months and then ended up getting married. I mistreated her for our first two months of being together and she threatened to walk away and it scared me so bad I stopped I flipped a 180 the change was so drastic she called me two faced. The next three months we were on and off she would say I love you and make plans for the future and other times she would say I have anxiety and I’m not in my head space or I’m not at peace. And she ended up going home to see family. she was completely happy before she left even my friends said she said she was happy and made plans to come back and 3 days in of being at home she said she wanted a divorce.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      This is a great example of the perils of rushing into the most important decision of one’s life. Kenon doesn’t talk about the troubles, the issues, conflicts, or confrontations but we know there were many. Let his experiences be a warning. Before getting engaged, much less married, know the person so well that you will not be surprised. Then, it is reasonable to learn about marriage, which most do not do, so you can be happier every day of your life.

  13. Gregory Pitts Reply

    My wife have been, so I thought, happily married for nearly 11 years. We have 2 beautiful children together and have spent nearly 15 years as a couple(Highschool relationship). I joined the military in 2010 and after my first deployment, that’s when she says she’s noticed a change in me. Any time she addressed a concern in my change in personality, I took her words and acknowledged them, but never made any true attempt to change because I hadn’t understood its true impact. Many years and many trials with my wife, she has finally reached a breaking point. Her Mental Health started a rapid decline when she verbally indicated taking her own life as an interest. This caused a complete swarming of me because of her safety. That in turn smothered her and forced her further and further away. As of yesterday, she took off her ring for the first time in almost 11 years, and told me she’s made a decision. She’s already contacting divorce attorneys to start the separation process(California), and she doesn’t feel in love anymore. I’m devastated and I don’t want a divorce. I want her happiness but I can’t find myself being happy without her. What do I do? We already had a marriage counselor prior to this, and I’ve explained this situation to him. He wants to continue seeing us to see what he can salvage. Advice?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Marriage counselors cannot help you and I am not sure we can, at this point, but you should try anyway. The course for men is guaranteed so at least you can try. But I would not waste any more time with the counselor. He failed you already and just wants more of your money.

  14. Shelly Reply

    Hi: Was married for 26 years, lots of problems …. I still love him and care for him. We have now been apart for 17 months. The divorce process is going on …. He has cut off all communication with me, … Question: if he does not communicate, how can I stop the process …? Thanks.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Our courses are scientifically methodical while deeply relient on spiritual principles of love and happiness. We show how to master emotions, anger, all the flaws of an untrained mind so as an individual you can be lifted into the sphere of love and happiness. As one changes thier actions and reactions so thier partner, who is with them, is also uplifted. Very few take our course just for themselves, they are few because they understand they alone must change to enjoy happiness and love and know also it will not attract someone whom they pushed away so much that they refuse to even communicate with them.

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