When the pain and frustration in your marriage feel overwhelming, it’s natural to start looking for a way out. You may feel like you’ve tried everything, and now you’re considering marriage counseling as a final option. But what you do right now can make all the difference.
Before you make a move you might regret, you need to understand that some of the most common solutions people try can actually make things worse. This isn’t about blaming anyone; it’s about empowering you to find a path that truly works.
From my years as a divorce mediator and now as the founder of The Marriage Foundation, I’ve seen countless couples turn their marriages around. It starts with avoiding these six critical mistakes.
- Don’t Just “Talk Things Out.” On the surface, it seems logical. You have problems, so you should talk about them, right? The issue is that talking often focuses on symptoms, not the root cause. You can describe your feelings of hurt, frustration, or neglect endlessly, but if the underlying engine of your marriage isn’t fueled by love and connection, the conversation will likely go nowhere. You may feel heard for a moment, but lasting change won’t happen. True marital happiness comes from building new, positive habits, not just dwelling on old problems.
- Don’t Expect Your Partner to Change. This is a difficult truth: people are not good at changing for others. We often hear promises like, “I’ll try harder,” or “I’ll stop doing that,” but these promises are incredibly difficult to keep. In a difficult marriage, your partner may feel trapped and defensive. Asking them to change will likely cause them to withdraw or become angry. Lasting change starts from within. The key is to focus on what you can control: your own actions and your own happiness.
- Don’t Try a Trial Separation. A “trial separation” sounds like a gentle way to hit the pause button, but in reality, it’s the first step toward living separate lives. It can often be a passive way for one person to move toward divorce without having to say so. A trial separation doesn’t mean working on your marriage; it means working on living alone. Why would you try to build a stronger connection by moving apart? If you want to save your marriage, you must focus on working together, not apart.
- Don’t Confide in Friends or Family. Sharing your marital problems with friends or family may feel like a relief, but it can be one of the most damaging mistakes you can make. The people you tell will naturally take your side, which can create a permanent rift between them and your spouse. The sacred space of your marriage is for just the two of you. Your marriage problems are a matter between you and your spouse, and only you two can solve them.
- Never Use a “Trial Separation” as a Tactic. Some people consider a trial separation as a way to scare their spouse into making a change. This is a form of manipulation, and it almost always backfires. It creates fear and resentment, which are the opposite of the emotions needed to heal and rebuild a marriage. The only way to move forward is with honesty, sincerity, and a shared commitment to a positive outcome.
- Don’t Give Up. This is the most important piece of advice you will ever receive. The biggest mistake you can make is giving up just before a breakthrough. I have seen countless marriages that looked hopeless on the outside, only for the couples to completely transform their relationship. When you are tenacious and refuse to give up, you have an incredible chance of success. Your desire to save your marriage is the most powerful tool you have.
The most important truth about marriage is this: we all get married to be happy and to live in love and harmony. The key is to stop focusing on what’s wrong and to learn how to actively fuel your marriage with love.
If this new way of thinking resonates with you, we invite you to explore our website and take the next step. It can’t hurt to try our free 10-day marriage improvement course. It’s designed to give you a taste of what we offer and a new way to approach your marriage. You can also https://www.canva.com/photos/MADzU4eW7Cg-couple-talking-at-home/for free advice.
I appreciate the reminder that setting clear goals before counseling can prevent misunderstandings. Do you find that couples often overlook this step?
The problem is that most couples want to fix problems which is a never-ending effort that does nothing to rebuild the connection. My point is that a couple should focus entirely on creating a heavenly marriage because then the problems evaporate. The goal should be to learn about marriage, each other, and one’s self.