Ashley Madison Needs To Go Away

Ashley Madison Needs To Go Away

 

What will you do if you find your husband using dating sites?

I wrote this article about a husband using dating sites before the Ashley Madison outing that recently happened. I was personally thrilled by the ultimatum given to the company by hackers, because them offering illicit escapades to a married person having marriage trouble is like offering wine to an alcoholic. Calling it “business” is a shabby excuse for greed.

First, Although it’s unfortunate when a husband’s errant thoughts manifest into such destructive behaviors. But, its truly a mistake to take those actions as indictments of who they “really” are. They are individuals, who you married, for better or worse, who succumbed to rampant temptations (not excusing them).

Second, it’s a mistake to take their actions as indictments about yourself. You are a not a reflection of your husband, you are you. It is in no way your fault that they chose to misbehave. But you have to improve your marriage behavior if you want success.

Third, your marriage is not over, unless you choose it to be. But don’t imagine this is a “little” thing. You must change your behaviors of thought, feeling, speech, and actions. The above behaviors have to be changed, or the outcomes will not change; minor changes will not work. Imagined solutions will not work. Couples counseling will do more harm. Reading a book or two, even one of mine, will likely not be enough. At this point, you need to face this, not your husband!, head on with the guidance only we provide.

The first reaction in your mind, when you make such a harsh threatening discovery is going to be self-protective, accompanied by fear; these are primal. When you discover your husband is using online dating sites you will automatically assume the worst, imagining he is following through, and meeting other women. But hold on! That is probably not happening, but it is not too late for your marriage, even if he is.

Before you read more I want you to ask yourself a question. Is it really too late for you, even if he is cheating? Or do you want to save your marriage, if possible? Because we have helped more women save their marriage than I can count. And, you should know, just “saving” a marriage is NOT what we are all about. Marriage is meant to be joy filled, not stress-filled.

Of course, your mind will tell you your whole life is threatened. All minds operate by imagining extremes because of our instincts. When anyone is threatened they react. Isn’t that true? I did not say “over” react, necessarily. But because this discovery is likely a pretty intense threat over-reacting is all too normal. But remember that instinctive reacting always means that, not clear thinking.

Reactions, as you recall from biology 101, are instinctive responses with only one purpose: to save your life. These automatic reactions are, at best, pesky. They hurt even the best of marriages. In our program, which many women, and men, have used to recover and re-start their marriage, we include an amazing technique to help you. An early client helped me name it the SEW technique.

I created the SEW technique because I found that people were trapped by their subconscious habits. Even when someone KNOWS something is detrimental they will do what they always do. So, anyone who tells you that all you have to do is this, or that, and everything will be fine, is asking too much.

The biggest problem for any of us is how our own minds beat us up, and not only in this way. I know the feelings of frustrations myself. You can even get dizzy, disoriented, filled with anger, despondency and so forth. It’s horrible!  That is why our SEW Technique is so important. It helps you bring control over your mind, so you can do what is necessary, with a clear head.

You use the SEW technique to subjugate reactions, emotions, and hidden habits. It is the greatest tool you will ever have for getting to the other side of this, and all your challenges. It is truly revolutionary. No other program has anything that compares with it.

His actions may not be so disastrous. Now might be a good time to look at our marriage help program. Truly, it’s not my job to sugar-coat (I was referred to as the “iron fist” by some of my clients) so don’t get ahead of me. I want you to have the best quality information. So, here are most of the possibilities:

Your husband might just be “looking.” Of course he shouldn’t be! But men see sex and women very differently than you do. So, he may just be testing his male magnetism for egotistical purposes. This is the “best”, and most common scenario. Please, do not “bust” him, if you haven’t yet. That would only set things back further. If this is the case with your husband it is caused by a lack of spiritual love. It means your marriage is materially, and possibly sexually, oriented. It’s a deficit, but resolvable through education.

  • Your husband may desire an online romance, only. Some unhappily married men resign themselves to a marriage that feels more like a trap to them, but they would never end their marriage because of a sense of obligation. Again, I am not condoning this, but it’s better than divorce; though not as good as our program!
    Believe it, taking your visceral reactions out of the equation is a good thing. You need truthful information now, not pandering. I mean, you won’t be pleased to hear this, but he is a good man who simply did not know how to tell you how hard it is for him to live with you. These men tend to be willing to take the program also (there is a man’s and woman’s version). But you need to change. One of our books will probably help you, too. Either of them, Lessons for a Happy Marriage or Breaking the Cycle. The first is lighter to read, Breaking is our textbook for certifying our counselors. Many get the book first. Then, seeing how logical everything is they trust us enough to get the program. Obviously, the program is the best.
  • Your husband may wish to actually have an affair. The mind can be tricky, and some men imagine it will work out if they live two simultaneous lives. There are too many urban myths and TV shows that support this idea. It’s a perfect example of having your cake and eating it too. It cannot be done. But your husband probably has not gone that far. He may be texting and sexting. But the move to actually dating is not so common.
  • Your husband is ready to bail, but wants someone to have him first (BANG! Did that hit your survival button? Do you see how the mind can react to anything, if it is not proven?). How do I know? Because usually men who are on the verge of bailing have already met someone else, so you won’t find them on an online dating site.

WHAT NOT TO DO: The first thing you will want to do, due to the instinct, is confront him, and you are probably wondering how. But here is the problem; If you want to keep him you should not confront him. Getting him to confess his sins and change his ways is absolutely the wrong approach. It won’t work! We get emails all the time through our free question portal from women who confronted their husbands.

Who do you know who would not react in a negative, or destructive way? It is crazy to imagine that will help anything, in any way. It is best to have a good plan to change the dynamics from what made your husband stray, to what will bring him back.

As a “victim” of what you consider, and we agree is, egregious anti-you and anti-marriage behavior. You may consider yourself well within the boundaries of “being right”. You may expect a confession and for him to change. Unfortunately, that will never happen.  If you bust him, he will dodge any more consequences; who wouldn’t? We know that, but forget it because of the blinding visceral reaction.

Additionally, busting him will NEVER initiate a positive change in the current frustrations that got him on the wrong road to begin with. Nor will your marriage become happy because he was busted. It’s not like his “justifications” become less useful for his escape.

If he doesn’t know you know, don’t let him know you know

Think about discovering his ‘error’ as more embarrassing than him getting caught masturbating, but not as embarrassing as getting caught using steroids. If he caught you masturbating, you would probably be humiliated, and this likely falls into the same category, from his, as a man, point of view; but much worse. So, his defenses are going to jump into overtime.

Many so-called marriage experts would advise differently than I, but those “experts” are not saving marriages as we are. They put saving your “dignity” ahead of saving your marriage. Honestly, if you were just in a relationship, or engaged, I would advise you to end things until you know the extent of the problem. But marriage is not just a relationship.

I’m convinced you wouldn’t even be searching for help if you really wanted to end your marriage; you would be searching for divorce lawyers. And please don’t do that. Besides, there is no reason to end your marriage just because of “troubles”. Let’s get through this, but the right way. There is every reason to fix the problems and have a good marriage, but you need to handle it correctly. In fact, you can see this is a “warning” if you prefer; not the end. You can choose to go forward with the right tools, or end your marriage.

It’s Time To Choose

Your husband didn’t do what he did because he hates you. If that were the case, or if he were mad as hell at you, he would have helped you catch him and then rubbed your face in it. For certain, he would have dropped huge hints at what he’d been doing. Now think about it like this, a husband using dating sites can choose to hide or expose it. But even if he did rub your nose in it, it is a chance to reform, because he wants change. This is NOT to say it is all your fault. That isn’t a point that matters, whose fault it is. Your “new” marriage can begin now.

Chances are, in fact, that he is still hoping his marriage, your marriage, will miraculously become a marriage he loves to be in. Right now, he is clearly not in a happy place. So, you can choose to go with the idiot “experts” who get you to confront and destroy, or you can decide you want your marriage to survive and improve. It’s your call.

Confront-and-destroy or survive-and-improve, are the only two real options here. The other choice, do nothing, is going to continue you down the road of destruction. Obviously, that’s where it’s currently headed.

Importantly – Your husband is not acting “consciously”, so even if you confronted him he would not be able to properly articulate the problems, the real problems, with your marriage. That, frankly, is part of the equation we fulfill.

I vote for improve and don’t give up. That’s because I have seen many marriages succeed, including with wives that other marriage experts refused to work with, and because for us it is not a “challenge”. We KNOW what works in marriages, and why.

You can do it, too. You can have the marriage you should have and the marriage both you, and your husband, delights in. Don’t imagine it will take both of you, or he has to participate in the program for this to work. If you, and you alone, choose to save your marriage; we can help you.

Women are the smart ones in marriage. You know, intuitively, that women have the power of the heart in marriage. But women have to learn what their power is, and how to use it because all the “true” knowledge that used to guide has gotten buried under an avalanche of individual agendas, by people who are good at selling them. But the universal truths remain, even when buried.

Now, after reading a marriage help article, have you ever wondered why your marriage is still in trouble? It’s because you won’t get all you need from an article, but I want you to have at least enough information to begin to head you in the right direction.

So, did you catch your husband using dating sites? Bear with me, because I’m going to show you what you should do in a situation like this. Some aggressive therapists are “offended” by this advice, but they never say it won’t work. They just complain.

  1. Become more user-friendly. In every way, shape and form cut out any and all criticism, complaining, and expectations. There is no benefit in expressing anger in marriage, anyway. But there is always benefit from behaving in ways that express love; even if you do not feel it at the moment. What would you tell your kids to do?
  2. Become more loving. In ways he wants you to be loving, but don’t start questioning him about what he wants, or what do you want, because he will tell you you’re fine. He doesn’t think you want to do better; he gave up on you and the marriage, already. Besides, he can never articulate the kind of true needs he has because of the preoccupation with sex men have been encouraged to have.Some women think I want you to become more sexual, and they express that in the comments we get. But that’s incorrect! Be loving, and show it in ways that are not sexual. Becoming sexual all of a sudden will easily backfire at this point.
  3. Start paying attention to his needs for heart-based intimacy. Clearly if he were deeply satisfied, he would not be looking (not always true, but usually) online. But if you are pleasantly persistent and loving in your testing for efforts, you’ll see what he wants and needs.
    Intimacy is not sex. But sex can be intimate. Again, don’t let your reactiveness cloud your judgment and patience. But if you are currently regularly sexually, you need to be much more heart based than you currently are, not better in your “performance”. If you do not know what I mean by this you really do need to at least read one of the books.

Last but not least, make up your mind that you will learn enough about him, and your marriage, to have the best marriage on the planet. In a few words: Don’t give up!

It may seem the easy way, to give up. But it is the harder way. If your marriage has come to this, and I am not going to sugar coat, there is plenty of blame to go around. But if you are sincere and you are committed to fix your part, you can STILL have a great marriage.

Going on dating sites like Ashley Madison is going to cause far more trouble than you can ever imagine

I am not a moralist, nor a crusader against Ashley Madison. But, I was a consultant for high-earners who were getting a divorce (the divorce system is NOT good) who wanted to avoid getting clobbered. So, I have seen some of the ugliest results of dating sites. I have seen the false bravado, and really dumb decisions by those in a whirlwind romance.

After my stint as a consultant I became a divorce mediator, helping couples negotiate “out” of their marriage, trying to make it as painless as possible. During that time I saw a lot more painful, and dumb decisions being made. Couples combated one another other with all sorts of ‘justified’ anger, understandable; never pretty. Divorce is not only way too easy, but it is commonly accepted. So people think it is as “okay” as breaking off a relationship. This acceptance is unimaginably destructive to society. It is not that it should be seen as evil, but it should be seen as a true last resort. Unfortunately for all of us, Western Psychology, with all of its misguided notions, has become the arbiter of marriages. By all means, read the differences in this article I wrote, so your eyes will be opened.

In 2003, I “got it” (the reality of divorce), and the relative ease with which a couple can make their marriage successful made what I had to do very clear. Since then I’ve been helping people make their marriages work like they are supposed to work, like marriages are advertised to work. When the fog of all the ‘stuff’ is cleared away, and marriage is understood for what it is, it is clear the best path is to fix and heal what you have, not start again so you can make all the same mistakes.

If you are contemplating the “extracurricular” idea of having an affair, such as you think you may find on a dating site, believe me, you are not the only one who thinks ‘looking around’ is a good idea. The idea of getting into an affair without being public about it is tantalizing. A lot of men go there. It is what makes Ashley Madison a rich bitch. Yes, the number of real women is much tinier than men, but it is set up to look like its only a matter of time before you get your “prize” – a self-inflicted knife in the back.

But here’s the interesting thing

There are many other ways good men try to escape their unhappy marriages, that are not as self-destructive as affairs. Some men do more guy activities, like hunting, fishing, or whatever. Another common, and far better “escape” is hanging with your kids more, which is really good for the kids, too. Those examples are decidedly better than character eroding escapes like porn sites, strip clubs, dating sites and affairs; of course.

But neither “positive” escapes, nor dangerous “relief valves” are the best solutions.

The true ‘low hanging fruit’ solution is right in front of you; fix your marriage. Just because most of society does not know how to live in marriage (much less repair one), does not mean you cannot do it. The trouble is most try a little of this, or that, and then just give up. The escapes are popular. But fixing your marriage is the best way to go, by far.

But the truth is…

What most men (and women) forget is that you, individual you, are half of the marriage, and are therefore, at least 50% responsible for screwing it up. So, there are a lot of things you can do proactively, that will have a universally better result than getting ripped off on Ashley Madison or other dating sites. Even if you did almost nothing, but stopped reacting to what you now take personally, your marriage would dramatically improve. It’s true. Try not reacting for a day, and you will see that I am right! Then, use our program, so you can use the SEW technique, and never react again.

I want you to use our marriage help program, even if you have to take it by yourself. Because you will still have a great marriage, and, eventually, not always immediately, not even feel any need or desire to wander. I don’t want your marriage to keep failing, and if you think it is not a failure until you get divorced you are wrong. Marriage is supposed to make you and your wife happy. If it is not doing that then you guys are living in a broken and failed marriage.

Honestly, you can revive your marriage. It is not that easy for you as a man, without your wife’s participation, but it’s not because of your wife. Most men (and I am just being honest with you), think they already know how to be married. They blame everything and everyone, except for themselves. They don’t want to hear that they screwed up their marriage, and would rather go looking for another woman; and make her life as miserable as he made the last one’s life. If you think it’s all her, or mostly her, and just need a way to convey what she needs to do make everything better, then you are done. I cannot help you.

The good news is:

I created a marriage help methodology without the over-“education” that misleads too many people into hope, that turns to despair. I avoided parochial sources for marriage knowledge, and approached the problems of unhappy marriages with a simpler mission; to understand them; well enough to know how to heal them. I ignored the “standard” qualifiers (if someone wants help they do not have to pass a “test”), because I have such a high regard for marriage. I knew from the research I did that when lived according to certain principles, marriage is amazing.

I have an unusual background of diverse education, too. So, I was able to pull a lot of my past disciplines together to gain real understanding first; then find solutions that . If you put the time and energy into what I did, I am sure you would eventually reach the same conclusions I did. You do not need to be a rocket scientist to get here; I’m not. But you don’t have to. I did it, and what I have works. It works. What else needs to be said.

Let me explain:  after I did my research I used my clients (remember, I was a divorce mediator) to test my processes, and worked through all the communication requirements. The discoveries I made were “hard”, like gravity hard, (like processes, like our SEW technique, that change your very thinking). The harder part was simplifying a delivery process that educated the person while they moved forward, so they didn’t fall into the same traps over and over. And man, are there traps! The program we have is VERY effective!

It was time to extend my reach

My first marriage help book, Lessons for a Happy Marriage, was written only after testing and fine-tuning my ideas for five or six years. It is real and contains immediately useful help. A friend at the time sent my manuscript to a book agent who called me. He said mine was the first book he read all the way through, in years, but it was right on. He knew it was, because he was married 4 times. Unfortunately, at the time, I was going through a terrible personal ordeal, (my son died that year), so I passed on his offer to represent me, and had to lay low for a number of years.

While I was coming out of my self-imposed exile I worked on more of what I think of as the science of marriage. Not being a writer has its drawbacks, but I pushed through, and wrote another book for training marriage therapists, with more technical depth on the topic of marriage. My second book, called Breaking the Cycle came out about the same time I decided to make all my work available through a new non-profit, The Marriage Foundation. It was an ex-navy seal friend, turned divorce mediator, who invited me to Second Saturday divorce workshops to save marriages, which still could be saved. It was really his idea to go non-profit. I’m glad I did.

The program is better, of course. But “Lessons” helped a lot of people.

The Marriage Foundation is a great vehicle for reaching people in need.

Some years ago I wrote an article about Ashley Madison that one was written for women who discovered their husband was on a dating site. I wrote it before Ashley Madison, was ousted. You know their whole website was hacked, and were blackmailed, right?

But because I don’t condemn men I get some hate mail from a few therapists, here and there, who think I should wholeheartedly blame men. I am not afraid to openly recognize that some women drive their husbands to do foolish things.

Some therapists think husband should “pay” for their indiscretions, forever! But how could that ever work? Both need to know how to make their marriage great, not figure out who to blame.

Anyway, going on a dating site is, at the end of the day, like eating pictures of food when you are hungry. Men who go on these dating sites, even though they are married, are not evil. They just need to get away, and though it is like digging the hole you are stuck in even deeper, it is encouraged by societal “open-mindedness”. Well, we cannot fix society, so let’s heal our marriage!

My goal is to logically show you a better, practical and scientifically constructed path for yourself, and your family.

Ashley Madison does not care about ANY of you

It is not there to “help” you. Ashley Madison is there to take your money; pure and simple. When you use their “service” they are taking the role of a pimp, and men are taking the role of a John. But, I do not want to make you feel like an Ashley Madison victim! I prefer to show you the downside of what you are currently thinking and the upside of going the route of improving your marriage.

What is actually happening when you pursue a “secret” affair or rendezvous

Picture this scenario: You, your wife, and kids are on a boat on a lake. You see a hot woman on another boat. When her husband is not looking you smile at her, and wink. She bends down to “pick something up”, and smiles at you. Your mind goes crazy. You imagine meeting her, and can’t get her out of your head. The rest of the day your kids are “too much trouble” to pay attention to, your wife is only going to gossip or complain, and the whole family outing is less fun than you were hoping for, by a lot! What just happened?

What happened is you made pathetic choices. You say you love your kids, and do. Yet even though you have the perfect opportunity to do all sorts of things with them, your mind is fantasizing about an imaginary woman (you do not know a thing about her from the short time-just as you really know nothing about the women on dating sites) you will never see again. You use all your mind’s time imagining things that will never happen; instead of showing your kids cool things.

And let’s not forget your wife, who is intuitive as all get out. All day she is complaining, but mostly because her husband is not very interested in her anymore, and you have to admit, she is right. The illusion of some “concocted” woman is filling your mind and living in there, rent free. Your energy is almost all going to feeding and dwelling on an illusion. So, your ability to be creative and fun is stuck in a despondent mood. You cannot blame anyone but yourself for this missed opportunity to hang with your kids, and work on improving your marriage.

In other words, you have a family that is dysfunctional, and your “solution” is to complicate your lives further, not just your own life, even more. Come on, does that sound like a reasonable thing to do, to you? I am NOT trying to make you feel guilt or defensive. I am just telling you what is.

There is a better alternative

What do you think is really happening when you use Ashley Madison? Do you really think your “sophisticated” taste in women is what has you checking out babes? Nope, your “tastes” are manipulated to fit the venue! Do you think you “deserve” better? There are so many delusional ideas that come to mind, when the real solution is right in front of you; improve your marriage! That is so important on so many levels.

The fact that you read this article says a lot of good about you. Maybe, there is hope.

Ashley Madison Needs To Go Away

It is never easy to hear about someone else’s troubles, because we always know in the back of our mind that “but for the grace of God…”

Isn’t it so? Human beings try to stay out of trouble, but trouble seems to always be right around the corner. We certainly do not want trouble to chase us, or be lying in wait.

In fact, we are repulsed by drug pushers, because they tempt weakened victims into a deadly downward spiral. This is how I see the Ashley Madison site. They vend poison to troubled marriages all over the world.

Ashley Madison is like a heroin dealer. It just happens to have a “fix” for individuals in a troubled marriage.

Some argue that people who want to have an affair will do so anyway, and Ashley Madison “merely provides a service,” which is exactly what drug dealers say.

But we all know that is an excuse. Ashley Madison does not provide a beneficial service, but rather offers a sinister service for those who are temporarily weak, throwing away their families, hurting their spouse and innocent children.

Today, the news reported that hackers published the private information of the Ashley Madison users. Apparently, the hackers did not ask for money or other financial benefits. They warned that Ashley Madison needs to go away, or the information would be exposed. But it seemed like Ashley Madison couldn’t bring themselves to give up their huge profits, so they gave up their customers’ lives. Isn’t that just like a drug dealer? Throw their customers under the bus for a nickel?

The Marriage Foundation has heard it all when it comes to troubled marriages, so, of course, we knew about Ashley Madison. We hear them come up from time to time, but never as a positive service to a family. They are the “buds” who offer alcohol to the alcoholic, or an escape to the “desperate.” What they offer is anything but an escape.

For example: Women hunting for an affair imagine they can find happiness in the arms of someone who will better understand them; men look for someone who will please them sexually. But it never works out.

Until a person learns about marriage, as it should be learned about, the struggles for intimacy are futile. Affairs never provide true love.

We agree with the hackers that Ashley Madison needs to go away. Will there always be a “need” for such a despicable “service”? No, there has never been a need! Anymore than there is a need for drugs. Infidelity is never — never! — the solution for a troubled marriage. Now, it’s up to you. What do you think should you be doing?

177 thoughts on “Ashley Madison Needs To Go Away

  1. Rachael Reply

    I’ve already told me him I no and deleted what I found on his fb n phone… He tells me I had no right to look n deleted, he had been talking to someone he he left me for over a year ago n I helped him get off the street because of her. Now he tells me to F off n he out the front in his car… This online flirting keeps going in and on, I’m working 2 jobs to support us, he hardly even trying to get a job. He wouldn’t promise to stop online dating or texting or even be apologetic. He got really mad at me…. Why now what?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      As it now stands there are enough things going on to keep you “crazy” for a life time! If there are no children in the mix, your’s is a great example of a relationship that has been over for some time. If there are children to consider your situation is a challenge, and your challenges will not be simple.

      Because it sounds like you are living together I will share some basic information with you. I may be of some help.

      1. Anything you do to let him know you are angry is not going to do anything “positive”. You may be “right”, but he has justified all his behaviors, and nobody can get through to him. He, and all of us, learn in our own time, and in our own way. He is who he chooses to be.

      2. If you choose to continue your relationship it will take a lot of patience and effort to get to a normal place. It is clear your relationship was never THAT good, because if it were, he never would have cheated on you. If you study marriage, like you would anything else that is important to you, you will eventually be fine. Otherwise you will go from one problem to another.

      3. You cannot change someone, or make them love you. But you can become more approachable by being more loving. It is always good to behave according to the highest principles, even when you do not get back what you deserve.

      Stay in touch if we can help more.

      • Madeinform Reply

        Your advice sounds great, however I do not see Why do men feel cheating is fine or date sites etc; War will not end us, my bet is on social media.

        my perfect man has gone through terrible 40’s and currently terrible 50’s. i cant take any more lies, and then be nice and loving. I came to this site because i wanted to know why people think women should stay and put up with grap like that. i mean i love him, but I am tired. and he doesn’t do anything anymore, i mean from cutting grass to moving his ass!!

        He travels a few times a month, so i happen to know that he is meeting women. As far as sexual issues we dont have any, it’s anywhere anytime any hole. and let me say inside the home or out twice a day if we could. so his sexual needs has nothing to do with it, i think he seeks attention and self esteem.

        He is also 10 years older than me might i add.. and i clean up very well, most people tell me i look 35-38, he is 52. i always tell him how fine and sexy he is. nevertheless he is unhappy with himself and i hate to leave. The reality is that he says if i go i leave with my bags, since i haven’t worked in 4 years, yet he allowed me to “retire. regardless he doesn’t want to stop fooling around and i will not stay just to keep a half million dollar home. it wont happen!! am tired ..so tired i will be publishing a book about this new social media and will include all my real time notes to date!

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Maidinform
          I agree with you. It is not okay. But, if you choose to stay, and I see no reason for you to bail, isn’t it better to do the kind of things that will improve your happiness, and his?

          Why do so many people equate sex with love? Is it how we are trained by the media? Or are we just shallow? I think it is a lack of knowledge. I think we are sold a bill of false goods by TV and movies, and romantic stories that always end up in the bedroom.
          Women have a greater capacity for love than men it is just the way it is (of course there are scientific reasons) and so women are in a better place to lead their marriage back to happiness.
          Resentment will not help.
          Criticism will not help.
          Complaining will not help.
          Leaving will not help, either!

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Kathy
          You will never find the answers in articles. Marriage is complex. Find a source that you are comfortable with, then use their teachings. Otherwise your marriage will continue to cycle down.

          • valerie.knoxx

            dear paul friedman: this forum is beautiful. you have some of the most sound and practical advice I have read thus far in my research for answers to my own inner dilemmas I have with a “significant other”.

            though we are not married. and we just so happen to have one of the most unusually crazy dynamics for a relationship between two people. so unique, its hard to fathom that you or any professional has ever been faced with giving advice to someone in my situation…

            given what you have wrote here, as advice to these people, i believe u could probably help me too. as the advice is exactly what i would have said to these women too. as such, i have a unique perspective on relationships, cause i understand the mans point of view and i understand why a man cheats. why do i know so much? because they tell me, men tell me . 100s if not thousands of times. i am a women who men go to when they are cheating on their wives. and they all have the same story…so i don’t know i really do consider myself an expert… but i guess experts need help too once in awhile. lf not to just reinforce what i already know , but am in denial about. or not. or not anything i know at all… or be justified , to relish in my self pitty. which seems to me, the only thing thing that makes sense. but what i do know is that i am hurting and would like your advice.

            please let me know if i can ask you for advice? some words of wisdom for the wise…? i am your latest and greatest number one fan! thank you for your work you provide to humanity…

      • Me Reply

        Ok I have a few questions for You

        1:kids or not wrong is wrong!!

        2: why is it ok for him??

        3: women work hard also! And sex most of us love sex but why do we have to change for him? Some have kids and work our asses off and housework and kids and all and still try to make him happy. Fuck that! He needs to help!

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Me
          I will answer your questions

          1. Kids are the reason we decide to heal the marriage, not endure suffering. Sometimes the only reason anyone would consider staying in the marriage is to protect their children from divorce. No matter how much anyone claims kids do okay when there is a divorce, they are 100% wrong. The rare marriages when a divorce is justified, or the kids actually do better are so few that it is not worth mentioning.

          2. A man who cheats is NEVER justified in doing so. It is wrong; period. But you have to choose. Do you prefer punishing him, and pushing him further out the door? Or, do you want to try to save your marriage? You cannot have both.

          3. You are allowing your anger to rule you. OBVIOUSLY, you will have to change, as his “change” was to get away from your behaviors.

          Sex is not love, and love is not just giving sex. If you wish to save your marriage you will have to change who you are, or you will keep doing the same things that ruined your marriage (his cheating is a symptom). Get our marriage help program!!!

    • Dorothy Reply

      Dear Rachel, I understand your and see that we are in the same boat, I just want to know how you over came it!!! Thx

  2. Pingback: What the Ashley Madison Hacking Dump Means for Divorce — and Marriage | News Agency

  3. Msjay Reply

    You are correct in stating that web sites like Ashley Madison need to disappear from the face of the earth. I know from personal experience that affairs are like atomic bombs, they destroy everything in their path. I believe in marriage and honoring one’s commitment to your spouse and family. Once I discovered, my now ex-husband, trolling for “hook ups” on Craigslist, etc. I filed for a divorce immediately. We were married for over 20 years. I also discovered that he had been cheating for the 2nd time, this time his affair partner was a married woman. I believe no marriage can be salvaged if the wayward spouse refuse to change and develop a moral compass. I could no longer accept my ex-husband dishonoring me and disrespecting our teenage daughter. I wonder if the founders of Ashley Madison would promote and brag about their lucrative business if they discovered their “beloved” was sampling their product. I think not.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Msjay
      I am sorry for your personal experience. However, we have helped numerous women reclaim their marriage, and make it happy, despite their husband’s follies. I know many therapists, if not most, suggest infidelity spells the end of the marriage. But that is not our experience. I only wish we could have been there for you and your family.

      • Msjay Reply

        My ex-husband is a “serial cheater” and is addicted to porn. I later discovered that he had at least 4 other sexual affairs and was fired from his job for downloading porn images. Maybe, some other woman could have remained married to him, but I was not willing to keep making sacrifices because I believe the problems are/were deep within himself. I believe you can’t fix what you can’t acknowledge. I have rebuilt my life, and I’m at peace. Our daughter is now a 21 year old junior in college, and we’re doing just fine. She loves her father, and rightfully so, she told him “Daddy I accept what you did to our family, I just don’t condone it”. Thank you for your well wishes and keep up the good work. Be blessed!

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          The past is the past, and I am glad you have moved on to raise your daughter well. We cannot go back in time, so my comment was not to say “you could have”, only to say that it is never black and white, and for other women to not assume their marriage must end, as yours did. It is rare, no matter how awful things may appear, to have to lose a marriage, thanks to our discoveries about marriage, and the way we approach it. ..Many thanks and blessings for sharing your story and confirmation about the Ashley Madisons of the world.

  4. Bella Reply

    I read your article. It was an interesting take on things… I am 6 months into my new marriage, recently discovered my husband has been on a sex dating site. He joined it 3 days after our honeymoon… Woah low blow… I know our marriage is not perfect and yes I understand men like to look but that’s not porn…
    I confronted him even though I can now see it was wrong, his reason it wasn’t working anyway between us! FFS really??
    I kicked him out of the house… Don’t think I should have waited… Why to give further reign to move onto affairs.. Wrong or right I felt better confronting him, I am glad he is gone and if he thinks the grass is better well so be it.

      • Sarah Reply

        My husband and I have been married 8 years but I feel like it never was a marriage. From the start a week after we were married he was talking to other girls. All throughout are marriage he has done this. I’ve left for 3 weeks was the longestime. All the same story. I’ll get help I’ll do this and I’ll do whatever I need to do to keep you. I feel like our marriage was a big waste of my time. We have 2 kids and guess what after each kid was born in found him talking to other girls. So.even underage. He does everything you can think of to do. Fuck book, Kiki, snap chat, creating different email accounts. Ando bc he has.ptsd and tbi I make it an excuse. Yet here I am trying to make it work.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Sarah
          Once you have brought children into the world there is really no better choice than to try to stay with your husband, and do your best to make your marriage work in spite of your husband’s weaknesses.
          In our marriage help program for women we begin with how to manage your mind so the impact is greatly lessened, and how to see your husband as having a disease to contend with, that hurts everyone. Then, we go over marriage in depth, so all your expectations can be realistic.

          Your husband is reacting; to your behaviors, as well as his own misconceptions. Every man will react differently. You cannot alter the things in his mind, but you can alter the outer conditions, meaning how you are with him. In most cases that is more than enough.
          In some cases the husband might be using alcohol, drugs, or be impacted by something nobody can see, and those cases are tougher. Bur usually the marriage should get better in ways you cannot now imagine..try to not give up

          • Sarah

            So, what courses are there? And he was a really bad drunk. He quit about 2 years ago but now he also abuses recreational drugs…so how do I change me then by just accepting this and living in a marriage where I’m just here and expected to do everything while he chats away with girls and ignores his two kids and wife? I need to feel loved as well. And I don’t feel that at all.

          • Paul Friedman Post author

            Dear Sarah
            My suggestion for you is to take our program which is unconditionally guaranteed. I am not saying it will work, because of the drugs and alcohol. But there are many things you can do to be less victimized, and maybe help your husband to see the light.

  5. Lorie Reply

    I’ve read the article and I agree. My husband has been looking at porn & dating sites for awhile now & I did confront him in the beginning & he stopped & agreed to therapy with me well that didn’t work out either. I did again find out he was on dating sites again & this time I didn’t confront him but I did right the opposite, I’ve been more positive & shown him more attention in & out of the bedroom, Things seem to be better for now even though I think he’s still on the sites. I want my marriage to last, we’ve been married for 15 years and we have a 9 year old son together that’s very close to the both of us. He’s at home with us every evening & we go places together all of the time. I don’t trust him in the cell phone/dating sites but I don’t think he would cheat on me while we’re married. I could be wrong but I’m just living one day at a time giving it my 110% I can’t be responsible for his actions & one day he will leave us or he will wake up & realize what he would be loosing if he did leave. I’ve cried to many tears over things that I can’t control. I’ve learned to stop nagging, I just allow him to think things through so he can realize his mistakes. I’m there for his support & I love him daily. Everyone has an opinion & this is mine. Good Luck to all of you.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Good job Lorie! Now, if you wish, you can learn more about marriage and take yours to a higher level, without fear of making mistakes. Marriage is scientific!

    • Eliza Reply

      My significant other of 6 years has been using foreign dating/find a bride sites long before we met. He was on his own for a long time and I think they were his female companionship. We both are seniors with very bad experiences in the past and he has many good qualities. I think his male self esteem has been seriously compromised from the past. I don’t believe he had any intention of ever meeting any of them -just chatting. While I am not threatened by them, I know they indicate that our relationship is not what I want it to be. He is very afraid to open up but is doing so slowly. I agree that confrontation is unlikely to benefit anyone. It does not take away from the good stuff in our relationship. I have recently started sending him love song videos which he seems to appreciate. He is the strong silent type so I don’t get much feedback but what I get is very positive. I have had, at various times, to make the decision as whether I want to promote this relationship or end it. I have decided to promote it. His communication with me about deep issues and also just to keep on touch when he is away is improving slowly but steadily. At some point I may share with him that I know about it, but in a kind way acknowledging that he has some needs that are not met in our relationship. Since he has been doing it for a long time before we met I would not expect that he would drop it immediately. None of us is perfect.

      • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

        Dear Eliza…You are 100% on track with how you evaluate the various aspects of your situation. Your ability to weigh the positives against the negatives and let go of the negatives will allow your love to grow without restraint. Understanding that men are not “equipped” to communicate the way women are, that they can view “sex” as an entertainment without it influencing their true love is wisdom. Not building expectations that cannot be met is further proof of your innate wisdom, and your refusal to be influenced by trendy and false crazy ideas is admirable.

        I think you would enjoy our book. You remind me of one our earlier coaches, who was a MFT and he taught psychology at the collage level. When he explained how he worked with his clients I told him he didn’t need us, but he said “I want to be part of you because you validate what I have always believed”. ..You will do very well with your man, and when you marry you will be able to enjoy much more connection.
        Blessings to you both

  6. Molly Reply

    In the past year I have found several dating sites my husband is linked to. I confronted him when I discovered a contact in his phone disguised as a male but was really a woman from one of the sites. He’d been calling and talking to her multiple times a day while at work. When I confronted him he claimed he didn’t realize it was a dating site, so I tried to save the marriage and forgave him. He deleted the sites but this past week I saw more accounts linked to an email he claims not to use. These sites are specifically for affairs and hook ups. There were even pornographic in his drafts folder. He claimed they were old, all created this year while we’ve been married for 2 together for 3. The most recent blow in the course of 48 hours was finding him texting a former friend of mine that slept with my boyfriend back in college. He claims she texted him and told him to disguise her number. I don’t know what to believe. I just recently moved across the country for his new job and we have a young child. He works late most days and I find myself sick to my stomach while he’s gone.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Molly,
      I think you wrote to us, but I will answer here for the sake of others.
      Marriage is not a plaything or temp relationship, but the way media approaches it we all have ideas about marriage that makes it tough to make it work. I would not condone any actions which are not marriage building, but the truth is your husband, and you, do not know until you know.
      The very purpose for our existenceis to teach marriage. Please! Either take our course or read our book. Your situation is not only fixable, but you can use this as a wake up call.

  7. Meenakshi Reply

    I agree with your opinion. I did confront my husbands initials days and now realise that it wasn’t of any use. May be worsened the situation. I have 5 years old daughter and hence feel sceptical to take any bold step. I love my husband very much and don’t want to leave him. I am trying my best to understand his psychological and physical needs, and trying to fulfil at his requirement level.
    I have started to show him more love and attention; and trying to motivate him a lot because his professional life is not good from past many years. I am also trying to give proper space too so that he doesn’t feel uncomfortable or start running from over – shown love. Please advise me if I am incorrect somewhere.
    I have two questions, please advise me:
    1. How to maintain my sexual life? He doesn’t show any interest. He doesn’t tell me ever that he wants me. But I keep going to him after few days.. sometimes week and give more days gap intentionally.
    2. How do I help him come out of online dating, affairs etc.
    Also presently he is staying in different city because of his work.

    Thanks !
    Meenakshi

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I am glad you followed that course of action. Turning from taking things personally to compassionate understanding is a powerful medicine that you need to take for the rest of your life.
      answer yo question 1, is to work on the relationship first, but always letting him know how much you love his lovemaking (see the difference?)
      question 2 is you cannot, so do not try.
      Please read one of our books or take the course…you will be fine if you become knowledgeable

      • Betsy Reply

        I understand that the advice you are giving is logical. It could work if the man truly is in love and just acting badly. It makes me cry to read though. I feel as if this behavior destroys me. Why must i be so much better then i am to deserve to truly be cared for. My brain says people are human and they can hurt you and love you at the same time. My heart says no, i have loved you and you have used me. How nasty that you should do that and the only way i can fix it is to go on and on feeling so unloved while i try to win you. I am confused !

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Betsy
          Your confusion is completely understandable, and very common.It is confusing, not because our approach is incorrect, but because the commonly held understandings of love, the mind, and the actual biological reasons for male and female differences are treated descriptively, and very few know what to do with the knowledge; so don’t feel alone, and don’r give up. It is not our way to just “explain” things, we help you apply what you learn so you can have a great marriage, even though what you are going through feels like the end of world…It isn’t! Don’t give up!

        • Nicole Reply

          That’s what I think to. We give and give and give. To the end of the earth and yet we should be the ones to change more? To live more so that we can win him back? I’m tired of constantly changing to better myself to keep my marriage afloat. It shouldn’t be me that constantly had to satisfy his EVERY NEED. Yet I’m being blamed for him searching for other women? He refuses to get help, counseling.

          • Paul Friedman Post author

            Dear Kris
            Can you recall one time in your life that resentment actually accomplished anything good? No? Because I have never seen or heard of anger, vengeance, or expectations ever create a positive result.

            Our point is that those who escape their marriages, their wives, by going onto porn sites, or looking for sex fixes, are running for a reason. Is it right that they should do so? NO! Of course not!But neither is it right that a wife would abandon all loyalty, and all compassion, to express her disdain for the man she married by condemnation.

            Your husband is not perfect. Neither are you. We are here to help marriages, and we are very good at it. Our clients are successful. But we will only alter our ways when we find a better way to heal marriages.

  8. Gail Reply

    Caught my man setting up appointments with women and sexual talk with ex’s. Confronted him and he denied, denied, denied. Gave him photocopies of proof, then he started being affectionate to me. Really? I wanted to throw up. So we finally talked and I chose to continue the relationship if he could confront the ex and tell her he would not be speaking with her anymore. He did. I thought we had worked things out. Recently my girlfriend tells me he is messaging her through a dating site. Asked him why he was on a dating site. Again deny, deny, deny. I joined the dating website and messaged him. Still he denies that he got my message. Bull!!! The site confirms that he was online and got it. So do I continue to be treated like an ass at home while he is doing whatever when I go to work to support us both???? I have no heart left, no trust for anyone, and I certainly don’t enjoy sex with him because I am thinking the whole time, “Who did he learn this move from?” So I feel used, like a piece of trash. must I just endure it and fix it myself.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Somehow I do not think you are married. ..and, yes, there is a difference.
      The things you did are aggressive, confrontational, intense. This is how woman have been “trained” to be in our society, so it is not your fault. But these qualities push men away…’
      Consider that if you did something wrong and were attacked for it. What would your reaction be?
      I do hope there are no children involved. Neither of you are educated enough to raise children properly, and perhaps not mature enough either.

      You do not ask questions that would help your relationship. So there can be no valuable feedback for you.

      • Gail Reply

        I have more than one degree and have studied psychology and human development. I have two grown children that are doing very well.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          expressing anger only pushes people away, even when we love them.

          those who are willing to look at themselves, with at least some scrutiny, can find a path out of their difficulties. Self-improvement is necessary when our old ways fail us.

        • Susan Reply

          What is not being dealt with is the hurt and extreme pain that we endure. What do we do with that??? It hurts beyond belief and there’s no where to put it! Sometimes the only comfort is to let it go because harmony is much more tolerable. However,let’s face it… in reality how long can we sweep those feelings? They’re right below the surface ….suppressed. with repeat offenses, those feelings just keep getting exposed over and over again.

          • Paul Friedman Post author

            Susan,
            you cannot control your husband, but you can learn to manage your mind.. It is not your husbands actions that are the root of your suffering, but how you perceive his actions, or better stated, how your mind perceives his actions.

            Your mind will control you until, through educated understanding, you learn to control it. Then, and only then, can you be on the path to happiness.

            Our teachings are not to become a martyr. On the contrary. Our teachings are wonderful explanations so you can be happy.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Jan
          I can appreciate your comment about my advice as it applies to your own situation, but a general article is not intended to cover every situation, nor do I suggest that a few tips are always adequate to resolve an issue that is essentially a symptom.

          My advice is to let women know that although it is not their fault their husband is yielding to this monstrous temptation, there are things they can do about it.

          The fact that you would trash me personally, says a lot about your personality and approach to your husband, who is much closer to you. Your level of expectations of him are obviously greater than he can deliver, yet you pummel him in a public venue- venting. Where is your spiritually driven compassion? Would you expect a man with a broken arm to carry a piano?

          My advice is sound, based on the core principles we teach. Not everyone can appreciate the depth, but we have seen much worse situations than yours get corrected.

          You have a done a great job protecting your children and remaining loyal. I wish you would study what we offer so you can do even better – Paul

    • Charrell64 Reply

      … We have been married for 30 years and together for 32 years. I am a pretty woman. I get hit on all the time by men but I tell them I am married and not interested. Anyhows I just found out about two months ago that my husband has 5 accounts on sexads.com site. How I found out is because I made an anonymous account on there and searched his name. Anyhows, he has been searching for local women to hook up with and be even prints out pictures of these women that are nude. It makes me furious about it. I tried to block this site but then he abuses me and calls me a bitch over and over. Also he drinks so that ads to the situation too. I have tried to be attracted to him like I used to but he just wants sex. He is not an attractive man. He is very skinny and the alcoholism has aged him badly. I need advice please!!!

      • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

        Dear Gail
        Alcohol is a terrible disease of the mind, and those who fall into its clutches have a very difficult time getting unhooked because it reduces the users will power, sometimes slowly, sometimes drastically. Our advice is for you to rise above your current situation, yes, but also take precautions that prevent you from sliding into the state he is in. We also advise you to create in yourself an attitude of compassion towards him, rather than disdain, because compassion forces you to up while not pushing him further down.

  9. suzy Reply

    We have been together for 12 years and married 8 we fell in love with each other after both being in very difficult relationships, moved in together both having children from previous marriages, but we got through everything that had been thrown at us. I thought we always had this special connection not matter what we were there for each other.
    I have just found on my husband computor he joined a sexy dating site chatting to woman saying sexual things he wanted to do to them and to arrange to meet one inpertiqular, I beleive this has not happened as i spoke to the girl, All i can say is i am heartbroken. I feel betrayed, confused, something we have always had is trust and he has been sneaking around behind my back even been sat in the same room as me chatting away to other woman, I can’t get my head round the fact he posted lots of pictures of himself unless he was planning to go meet them. I have confronted him I did scream and shout at first but that is because my husband the man i love destroyed me, he has deleted everything he tells me he loves me and he is sorry and that it became an addiction. I am trying to pick up the pieces but i feel so hurt how could he do this to us, to us we were suppose to be solid. I am broken into thousands of tiny pieces, How we come back from this i really don’t know, I have good and bad days, I picked myself up got my hair done, got the sexy underwear out and we have been having great sex but after i feel sad and emotional, that he could do this to our love our relationship our marriage, he said he felt low and wanted attention and didn’t feel good about himself. I was there why didn’t he just come to me instead of ruining everything. I could have had an affair with someone but didn’t you know why because i am better than that and love and care about my husband or did who knows now he has hurt me so bad. The sad thing is part of me wants to hurt him show him how it feels to be betrayed, but i don’t think that will get me any where. x

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Suzy
      The test you are going through is difficult, to say the least, but that does not mean you will not get to the other side of this, and far beyond. This is a wake up call. What you do from here is up to you, and how you perceive what happened (the reasons why) will have a lot to do with what you do from here.
      Understanding the difference between how men and and women relate to sex, due to biological drives and social training is essential for you. Then, when you have the option of feeling compassion instead of hurt, you will be able to move forward if you plan on being there for him.

      We have seen this situation many times before. We have never seen a failure (at least with our clients).

      It sounds like your core love is very strong!

      • Agnes Reply

        I have been married for 10 years. We have 7yr old daughter and now I’m 4 month pregnant. 1 month ago I discovered that my husband go on line dating and want to have sex with different girls. He is constantly checking his phone. He had put us in financial problems. Had taken a lot of credit cards which we used all our savings and our daughter’s saving to get rid of them since we trying to apply for a loan in the bank. I feel sick to think that he could to this to me. He doesn’t know that I know what he’s doing. I’m so confused. I wish I knew about his life style before I got pregnant. I’m scared and alone. Two days ago I found condoms in his pocket which we don’t use. I’m also scared that I might harm my unborn child because I’m really stessed. Please what can I do I feel so alone.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Agnes
          Please contact us through our coaching…go on the website, and find the contact link

  10. Melissa Reply

    I have been married for 14 years, he has been acting weird latley so I decied to check his phone, and he is signed up to numerous online dating websites. What do I do? I don’t think he would cheat. And I don’t think he’s even talking with any women cause I think you need a credit card to be able to chat and we have a joint account and I havnt seen anything come out yet. Do I just keep my mouth shut and assume he is just browsing.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      It is not your fault, but saving your relationship is going to take you stepping up your love and expressions. AND, it is not a good time to bring it up. If you win him back he will be the one to bring it up…which I hope he doesn’t, as your marriage should focus on expanding your mutual love, not going over your mistakes

  11. Laura Reply

    I have been in a committed relationship for over 5 years. Lately I noticed that there was something not right in the relationship,as he always hid his phone from me and would never allow me to see his passwords on his computer. Well one day he left his computer open with his emails right there in front of me. I found a message that he sent to a woman whom was a work associate. The message contained very passionate and sexual connotations. I asked him about this. He said that he felt that our relationship wasn’t as good as it should be. I felt very hurt because I was very committed to him and had been by his side for everything and loved him and showed him love. I felt very angry as this was going on for quite some time. They were going to lunch together frequently. He said that there was nothing sexual between them. How could there not be any more. He never spoke to me like that. When you don’t know the truth your mind begins to wander and believe there is more to it. I really don’t know if he is telling the truth. He said he would stop seeing her at lunch and stop the emailing and texting with her. That was one month ago. The past month I’ve been super nice to him very loving and very sexual with him. But,today, looking through his history on his computer I see that he’s going to p*** sites, sex dating websites and other sexual related websites. I don’t know if I should approach him, again or just leave it be and continue to monitor it as he hasn’t straying after work. What should I do? I’m very disappointed, frustrated and feeling very low. I feel very unwanted. I am rather obsessed thinking about what he may be doing behind my back.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Laura….It is a psychophysiological reality that a committed relationship is not the same as marriage. In the past, when we have tried to help couples in less than a marriage we have seen the strain break the bond, as it is just not the same. I suggest you learn about marriage from one of our books or courses, then you may have a better notion of what the right thing for you to do.

  12. Jessica Reply

    Hi. I’ve been with my husband for over 3 years but only married for 5 months. We have a 2 year old daughter and another on the way. We are a younger couple in our mid-late 20’s. I recently found him on dating websites like tinder and plenty of fish etc. I’ve confronted him about the tinder and he has deleted it twice! But today I found him on another one claiming to be single and to having no children. Says he’s looking to date but nothing serious which obviously means hooking up. I haven’t told him I found him on this one and I’m not sure if I should or not. The idea is we have a good relationship I always have been good to him and his needs are met. So why is this happening. I keep thinking maybe it’s cause I’m pregnant ??? But we been there before and he didn’t pull this. I’m just not sure what I should do. Idk if it’s even worth me sticking around or if I should try to make it work. I’ve brought up therapy but his ego won’t allow it. He thinks it’s stupid and that we are fine because he isn’t doing anything he says. Im not dumb though I know he has to be getting messages from girls and sending them out. Is it worth it to stay? And how should I confront him

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Jessica………your situation is as tough as can be because you are doubly vulnerable. We would say to continue loving him, but protect your family by not allowing sex without a condom. Therapy will likely not work. As you say, he is too immature. But this is not a family buster unless you are the one to bust it.
      Taking care of his physical needs is not what is meant by taking care of a man’s needs. He, like you, needs unconditional love. It would be wise for you to use our course or, at the very least, read one of our books – both spell out much that you need to learn.

  13. Marcie Reply

    Your advice is very similar to a program I followed when trying to save my first marriage. For the most part I think it is sound advice, but there are situations in which I think it must be tweaked. I think I’m in one now.

    I found my husband–again–on a dating site. He lies about everything to these women–age, name, location, job. I have in the past ignored the behavior, confronted him, and gently asked why. None of it changed the behavior. I know it stems from his belief that he’s not good enough for me, but I also have very little control over those thoughts.

    I am the sole provider in the house. I work 3 jobs. Per his request I immediately change into lingerie when I arrive home. I initiate sex. I cook dinner in lingerie. I maintain the house. I get about 3 hours of sleep each night because he wants me up spending time with him. When I sleep and go to my primary job he goes online.

    I’m exhausted. I’m drained. On top of all this he daily goes through my phone, email, and social media sites; accuses me of sneaking off during lunch to meet with boyfriends; accuses me of being in love with all my exes; and insists that I dress for work just to attract new men.

    How do you deal with a man for whom it is never enough? I don’t even know where to start to show him I love him. Suggestions? Or am I sacrificing myself for a lost cause?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Marcie
      It is quite possible you chose poorly, and if there are no children in the home (who he is taking care of) your moving on may be a reasonable thing to do.
      But your “care” for his “needs” are all focused on superficial and psychological needs, and prove unworkable, even though you are doing your best. There is a cardinal rule, that we cannot change another. So although you are doing your best in these areas there are some missing elements….at the very least I suggest you read Breaking The Cycle, so you can decide for yourself what is your best move. But the children aspect is very important to consider.

  14. Lori Reply

    My ex husband has always been on several sites at once and even lies about his age on them. He said he wants to reconcile with me. He said he deleted, or couldn’t delete his POF profile BUT I come to hind out he just HID the profile. Doesn’t matter how loving I am. He lies and lies. I’ve already talked to him about it, ad nauseum, and he said I was “losing my mind”. He’s deflecting his BS on me so I left, ad nauseum. Everytime he got caught he blamed me. Your thoughts please.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Lori
      We never suggest confrontation because the confronted person will always lie, deflect or….It is always better to tune into your heart and be the source of love all husbands seek, though sometimes in bizarre ways. Please, don’t “talk” to him. That won’t work. Instead you need to develop the knowledge based skills required for marriage….may I suggest you either take our course or read one of our books. I am sure you will find happiness, but you need to know where to look.

      • Judy Reply

        Mr. Friedman, have read many of your comments, my daughter is trying to deal with a husband who has cheated once, started a Facebook profile using a fake name, was confronted, took it down, and now is on dating sites with half nude pics of himself-again lying about himself. They have a young son, he also has a drinking problem and has lied to her many times about his drinking. She has gone to counseling, has tried to learn to not be critical and has tried to reach out to him, but he still blames her then says he is sorry, again lies and drinks, is taking them to financial ruin. So- you say it is her reaction that can save their marriage? So, if he keeps doing this, she should work on herself and just keep going only to have this happen again and again?

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Judy,
          There is a rule of thumb I have which I want to share with you
          “Love, yes, BUT, NEVER walk into a spinning propeller”
          Wouldn’t it be nice if one could hand you a pill, or ‘thing to do’ for any interaction or situation that is troubling? But life is not like that. We need to know as much about marriage and relationships as possible, or we run into one stumbling block after another.
          The more we strive to do what is right, based on usable principles, in accordance with what we face, the better the outcome.
          Your daughter is in a troubling situation, and there is no telling how it will turn out over time, but she is still his wife, and still the mother to their child.
          IF she changes her thinking into “how can I help my husband through his crisis?” (which is her crisis too) she will progress in this situation much better, and not be a mere victim of her circumstances.
          If she reads Breaking The Cycle or takes our course (if it is easily affordable) she will have a much better idea of what she should do…or you can both complain, criticize, and condemn…and keep digging the hole you are all in.
          Your son in law is hurting, too. His actions are NOT excusable, but you make it sound like he is vindictive rather than trapped. He needs help, too. Why don’t you love him??

  15. twila Reply

    Why is it the woman always has to show more attention, do what he wants in and out of bed…bla bla, seriously, maybe because women don’t cheat as much as men do? I don’t know, it feels like rewarding them for being bad, like a teen acting out, oh here, here is a new cell phone, what does that tell your man…I think it tells him that he will be rewarded for his bad actions and when he gets tired of you doing what he wants and goes back to dating sites and porn, well then, heck, let’s be even better in bed. I sound bitter I know, maybe because I am, I feel worthless, I don’t care anymore.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Twila
      Your seeing marriage as a give and take relationship, where things have to be fair. But those approaches cannot work. Marriage is not, and was never meant to be give and take, or fair. But when you understand its innate dynamics marriage will bring you more happiness than any other relationship by huge degrees.
      Your sour grapes ideas would be accurate if you were in a business deal. Your husband is not your child, either (though they often act that way). It is not your fault, of course. Our society does not prepare us for marriage or any other relationship. I suggest you at least read our books if you cannot afford the course (though it is inexpensive, it cost more than the books).

  16. Christina Reply

    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we were very happy totally in love and the sexual chemistry is amazing. Last year my mum died and my feelings changed, he became suspicious of me and accused me of cheating. I reassured him and he seemed to accept this, he said he was afraid I was cheating because of my high sex drive, this was totally untrue, I let him have my phone, emails and so on and there was no evidence of a problem so he calmed down and accepted I have always been faithful. Its been up and down all year, he wanted to make up, then was difficult and unsupportive again. Finally, I checked his emails to find out what was going on, he had been on dating websites, largely to overseas sites, he told me he likes to be admired. I confronted him and we split up, we both went on dating websites but then agreed we had realised what we lost and wanted to start again. We got back together and it was going brilliantly in every way possible, I fell off a chair and hurt my leg this week, he drove back to see me but something told me he wasn’t that bothered about me so I checked his phone again and found him arranging to call someone. I contacted her she said they exchanged numbers on a dating website but had hardly had much contact. I am now at the point of giving up, I love him very dearly and recently we told eachother we wanted to be together forever, he said we are soul mates and he said we would start again on a new footing but he is still contacting other women. I just can’t understand why as I am very sexual, very affectionate, and things just couldn’t be better. Weird. Any advice would be welcome. I am 52 still very attractive and really want to find a life partner I wish it was him but I’m afraid he will keep distracting himself and avoiding commitment.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Christina
      It saddens me to see in your example how women have been convinced that the shallowness of sex and surface relationships is all you need. The depth of a woman is in her heart, the gateway to infinite love, not merely a temporary gratification of the emotions. Within you is that which men seek, that love which they do not have so direct an access to. This love is what you and your boyfriend are missing, and it cannot be easily discovered outside of marriage….but how would you have known this? Our world is deprived of depth, and me must make great effort to find the way….unfortunately, no other way will bring true and lasting happiness.

      Finding a “practical” solution to your predicament is not possible,as all roads you now see are dead ends. Your hope is in your heart, and you must begin anew to find that, and then you will attract the man who finds it within you.

  17. lana Reply

    My husband of 15 years was “caught” again using a secret cell phone to sext other women. He’s also been using craigslist and dating sites again. The first time was almost 2years ago I found the secret phone in his work truck, I forgave him,we were trying to work on our marriage..fast forward to 3 months ago,I find another one…how am I supposed to work on our marriage when he clearly doesn’t want me? I want him and I’ve tried all I can to be a good wife/mother/friend..my heart is so broken,all I think about is the times I’ve tried to please him in all aspects of our relationship? How in the world do I move past this? I’ve prayed,cried,and forgave all I can..he says he wants to work on our marriage,but will not discuss what happened,I haven’t even received an apology? I didn’t ask for one either..I’m confused,sad,lonely and don’t even knw where to go from here? Any advice? From anyone????

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Lana
      All who “catch” their husband are tormented by the reality of their marriage being on the brink. Some do not forgive, but callously end their marriage out of anger and frustration. Others go for counseling in order to understand what happened, and get a feel about what they can now do, but marriage counseling almost never works.
      You said you worked on your marriage…but how?
      If you want to work on being an artist or an accountant or anything else you would take steps to learn about whatever subject was necessary to achieve success. But we seem to ignore the reality that marriage, too, has requisite subjects to learn for success.
      Advice is this
      1) Do not give up…your previous efforts to work on your marriage were incorrect (or you would not be here)
      2) Understand your husband’s weakness without expectations…he is who he is
      3) Understand that you will have to pull the weight of your marriage in order to heal it..it will heal if you know how
      4) Begin your efforts to learn about marriage so you can apply and succeed…you will succeed if you put it all together

      I do pray for you and hope you understand enough of what I wrote to help you get started with enthusiastic determination. I have seen so many “miracles” when the above was followed

      • lana Reply

        Paul,
        I’m just curious,are you married? If so than have you ever been cheated on,or been the one to cheat? Your answer(thank you for responding by the way) makes me feel like I’m supposed to just look the other way while he has his cake and eats it too??? “Understand his weakness without expectations” is clearly saying just deal with what he’s doing and try to make him happy,hoping eventually he’ll decide I’m good enough and choose only me..that’s not the kind of marriage i want..to me marrige is 110% from both spouse’s , and giving that 110 when the other is continuing to betray, is not only demeaning,but in my opinion,stupid! So thank you for your response,just not the advice I was hoping to recive..

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Lana
          Of course I am very happily married, have children, and so with every coach we bring into The Marriage Foundation. All of us also understand these teachings inside out so we can do the best we can in helping those who find themselves in trouble.
          I am sorry you find yourself in this current situation, but some kind of marriage failure was inevitable because your idea of marriage as expressed is impossible. Marriage is not a business deal wherein both parties agree to equal effort, although our worldly training teaches us just that. Marriage is a give and give relationship, based on premises of each striving to love unconditionally. Your husband did not fail you as much as he failed himself. And now, you wish to punish him, rather than forgive him.
          If you wish to save your marriage, you probably can, but not with your present thinking. I suggest you take our course or at least read one of our books.
          I promise you your thinking is taking you towards divorce. Our thinking and teachings can help you save your marriage. It is your free will that decicdes your fate.

      • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

        Dear Sue
        What we teach has saved many marriages that would otherwise have ended, hurting the lives of all; spouses, children and future generations. In developing our programs I chose to focus on rehabilitation; of the love, the ideals of marriage, and the potential future. True, there is pain, but my methods give individuals the power to gain control over the emotions, and the power to tap into the love that is innate within us all.
        It is not idiotic to strive for solutions that potentially bring happiness, and in most cases our teachings do just that.

        Do our teachings work in all cases? Of course not. But we have saved marriages that most wrote off.
        Individuals who take our courses or read our book ALL have benefited. Not all marriages were saved, but the individual who sincerely puts our ideas into practice always fare much better for the rest of their lives.
        Blessings…
        Paul Friedman

  18. nadi Reply

    My husband has been very cold and has been distancing himself from me for some time.He has been emotionally and physically distant , and I have been craving to get some intimacy back in the relationship. He says he wants to save the marriage, but can’t while he is in it and needs to move out. In his words, he wants to “miss” me, and take me out on dates again.

    My reaction to this was that we should work on things while we are still under the same roof, as we have children and that we will all be affected by such drastic moves.. but he refused. He said he needed “space”. It is important to note here that my husband often works overseas…in fact 80% of the time, therefore has much “space” away from me.
    My husband finally did move out, 2 weeks ago, and still insists that he wants this marriage to work . However, I have learned since then that he has had online profiles on 2 dating sites for the past year as a “single” man, looking for single women (in one of the cities that he works at when away)
    I confronted him, and as most cheaters would do, blamed it on me and insisted that nothing came of it, that he was just lonely and needed attention. He has not shown any remorse or has even apologised. He wants us to hang as friends and hopefully rekindle what we have lost.
    I am now at the crossroads..I no longer feel that I can trust him, but i want this marriage to work. Am I just being a doormat. When is enough..enough?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Nadi
      There is no sense blaming your husband for his weaknesses which, as you have seen, only makes him angry and pull further from you. If you are to save your marriage you must understand him, what drives him, and how you, yourself, must think and behave to pull him back into the family. Although it is unfortunate things have come so far it is probably not too late for your family if you do that which makes marriages work, rather than hold him accountable, which always destroys marriages. We always suggest taking our course or, at the very least, reading Breaking The Cycle…But I never consider your marriage even close to over if you take the right steps of getting educated, and then using what you learn…and don’t listen to the fools who would have you throw away your marriage in the name of proving you are not a doormat. A person of compassion is noble, not a doormat.

  19. Janic Reply

    I’m sorry…but I don’t have any sympathy for the MAN/Husband.or the Wife/Women…It take two to make a marriage work….(No Excuses Please)….the problem is a lack of communication between both parties….regarding each other’s feelings…such as physical, mental and spiritual touches have been met…..Husband and wife is waiting for Who is going to take the first step….or it could be….I’m always the one doing all the asking, taking care of every day routine….it’s too easy to stop and say nothing or run away from the real issues. Porn sites area bad excuse for anything….unless you don’t know how to please your partner and you’re taking notes for your next encounter with your wife/husband to surprise them…Nuff said….

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Janice
      No “excuses” is quite harsh, and would mean the end of virtually every marriage because nobody in this world can live up to the expectations of perfection. Forgiveness is an essential quality to develop within our own consciousness. Without forgiveness we would all be condemned.

      That being said, each should do the best they can to be the best spouse who ever lived, and that means allowing for the other’s temporary handicaps when called for.

  20. glk Reply

    Paul-I’m finding it very hard to believe that it’s OK to go on dating sites when you are married. I’m having a bit of a hard time excepting that my husband did — and may still– go on dating and affair sites. He also watches a lot of porn. Plus he has quite a few women friends including his ex-wife.
    About six years ago, my husband suffered a major stroke that left him paralyzed on his left side. He was 46. He has visual problems and some cognitive loss. At the time, he was paying all of our bills. I needed access to his computer to take over the bills and that’s when I discovered the dating and affair sites. I don’t think he’s met up with anyone. He told me he was just curious. I knew he viewed porn but I didn’t know to what degree. Hiscomputer was filled with porn pics and videos. At first I felt it was my fault–that I wasn’t paying enough attention. I tried to give him more attention. But I became the caregiver. At first I needed to help him bath and dress. He is now able to do that by himself. I still help with minor things like clip nails. He doesn’t bath very often and doesn’t pay attention to his clothes and may have food on his shirt or pants when he goes out of the house. He has not been able to find work that he can do and is on disability. He can’t drive. We have a 15 year old daughter. I am the sole breadwinner, housekeeper, driver, etc. I do not know if he is still on the dating sites and viewing a lot of porn. I do not want to spy. I am really finding it hard to justify staying with him except for our daughter’s sake. But I’m really not a good judge of whether or not that staying together is even best for her. I find it hard to be physically close to him, her father, and I don’t know if that is setting a good example of what a marriage is. I am not a religious person so God does not play a part in my decisions. So, I ask–is it really fair to criticize me for being angry and feeling like giving up? I’m curious as to what you have to say. Thank you.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Ginger
      I will address the question about your daughter first, because the rest of her life is before her.
      Religious or not, we get married with the idea that if one of us has a calamity the other not just sticks around, but is there to help. It is not an easy commitment to make, but we all do. Maybe because we are covering our own bases, but the commitment is still a living part of the marriage. Showing your daughter that it is a real part of life is a great gift you are giving her, and although many 15 year old girls are self centered, it needs to be shown to her that giving love and loyalty is a huge part of what opens her heart, while abandoning this deep feminine principle will close her heart,making her a very poor choice as a wife and mother in the future.

      Your mind is betraying you right now. You know he is mostly helpless so your primitive survival drive is screaming for relief. Porn is not good, watching porn is not good, going on dating sites when you are married is not good…making your marriage work, starting with what you have, and learning how to ignite the connection…that is good.

      Your burden is yours, and we cannot say why it is so, but you do not have to take it as such. Having free will gives you all the power for happiness in any situation you find yourself in.

      • Ginger Reply

        Paul-I couldn’t remember where I found this posting but just found it today as I was curious how you responded. This morning I discovered that my daughter saw they porn and dating sites on my husbands computer at some point in the past. I’m not entirely sure how long ago. She brought it up during casual conversation. She said that if her dad was not married, she’d think he’d be a womanizer. I asked her why and she said that she saw things on his computer. I asked her what and she said that is was pictures and dating site. She said to her it seamed like cheating. I had an already scheduled appointment with my therapist and he said that it is considered cheating. I also recently found that my husband had access to another woman’s emails and I’m pretty sure the woman is unaware. It appears that he is in a way stalking her. To me it seems like there is so much going on here and I’m not really equipped to handle this plus the other stresses of being married to a disabled husband. He is not the same man I married. I really don’t know if it’s the right message to my daughter to say that it’s necessary to stay in a marriage no matter what. I want her to be strong and I want her to be happy. I don’t want her to think that she needs to put up with things she is not comfortable with. I am also worried about my mental and physical health in dealing with all of this. I want to be around for awhile to take care of her. It was six years ago that my husband had the stroke and I found out about the dating sites. I feel like I’ve given it a good try.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Ginger
          Human beings should not so easily be characterized as “cheaters” or “womanizers”, or “quitters” (as one could call you if they felt so inclined). But our focus, as individuals, should be on our own qualities with the emphasis of improving ourselves. Marriage is a great mirror for that, in fact, as we are often pushed, so we can better see our weaknesses.
          I think your therapist is pandering to you, and adding fuel to an unhealthy fire. You did not say “until I have done all I could” at your wedding, you said “for better or for worse”, and your “worse” is not easy. But it is still up to you to be selfless and loving.
          So, that does not mean you walk into spinning propellers, and it does not mean you ignore the needs of your daughter. But it does mean you should consider looking at your general demeanor to your husband, and see if you are true to your vows.
          It is true that divorce is the right thing to do sometimes, but your first steps to learn more about marriage and your self just might save you all from the dramas that come from divorce.

          • Paul Friedman Post author

            Dear GLK and Ginger
            I cannot imagine the frustration everyone is feeling. Nobody should be characterized, and anyone can be; it is a choice. It would benefit your daughter to read our book, and see if her marriage can be saved, if that is what she wants (it is what I want) by applying a more reasonable approach to the current situation.

            But if you are telling me her husband, your son in law, is beyond redemption, or her vows did not include “for better or worse”, or she is the perfect wife; well than you do not need our help.

            We stress the importance of not sharing confidential family matters, because, as you have shown by your laudable (100% sincere) protective reaction, all it does is complicates her need to address HER issues.

            Ginger, if you want to save your family, which would help your children too, consider taking a more compassionate approach to your husband…especially because his “dis-ease” has now been revealed to have been chronic when you knew him BEFORE you were married.

  21. gWEN Reply

    My story is similar to Suzy 11 yr relationship been on sites since the very beginning many fights over it every year in fact I finally left for a year and came back for many reason I promised m=not to check up on him to see if he is behaving and I didn’t for about 8 months and life was wonderful then i just couldn’t avoid the overwhelming gut feelings anymore so I checked not only is he on a site again he’s on a site for $$ arrangements. I can’t say if he has ever met up with anyone many of his convos suggest a meeting place but I don’t know if it ever happened the convos just stop. It took me many years to get back the trust but I felt I owed it to myself and him to give it my full try and i did now he has destroyed me again. But he feels he has erectile dysfunction and this is the cause of all his purpose. He wont go for help has gotten Cialis which he has only used with me on a couple occasions but they are all gone all 50 of them. Tell me how am I suppose to get back to trusting when he keeps breaking it. Others suggest let him go to figure it out. At the moment I am sleeping in another room and refuse to talk to him I am so embarrassed i can[‘t not talk to friends and have no family.

    All behavior points to narcissism.

    Gwen

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Gwen
      It is very sad that the psychological community has expanded into marriage relationships, and blames seeming failures on the “other” spouse’s named or unnamed symptoms. Because if that is the truth of marriage failures it would be impossible to succeed in marriage, wouldn’t it? After all, everyone of us is suffering through, or dealing with, or trying to overcome one psychological issue or another.
      NO! You cannot blame your husband for your troubled marriage, and you cannot condemn him according to his mental ailments. It is outrageous to do so! Are you perfect? Are your behaviors towards him not adding to the pressures that has him acting out in such SELF destructive ways??
      Your humiliation is a great indicator of self centeredness, isn’t it. Where is the loving compassion you, as a wife, ought to be expressing in your heart and mind? All you talk about is how YOU are effected; nothing about his suffering!
      My suggestion is you ask yourself if you are the model wife, loving and supportive, loyal and nurturing, nonjudgmental and forgiving.
      The rules for marriage are not so much about how to treat your spouse as they are about learning to love outside of your comfort zone.
      I suggest you turn the spotlight of criticism away from your husband, and upon yourself!

  22. Judith Reply

    Sound words that I am taking to heart, thank you. I plan on purchasing the book. I have been with my fiance for 5 years. 5 kids, 2 of which are ours together and another on the way soon (few weeks). He said he’s fallen out of love with me for 5 months now. He’s been saying he’s done with us often, but we usually have a talk and after things simmer down he remains. We are “trying” to make it work. Have been going to therapy for 1 month now. All this time I’m thinking things are going in the right direction and headed towards building a good relationship…until these past few days when I found out he is on dating sites claiming to be single and wanting to find his “yin to his yang”. In therapy yesterday he said he does not know if he wants to be with me, doesn’t know if he can ever rekindle love for me. I was so heart broken and in tears ever since. I’m about to have a baby soon and am so sad. He doesn’t know that I’m aware of the dating sites. I’m making a commitment to forgive, trust him, show him unconditional love but find it very hard to show him the sweet love I should be showing because I am just so sad. I do not know how to approach sex either because what is it that we are even engaging in if he doesn’t love me then it’s not love making but instead him satisfying his biological need. What to do, do I have sex with him knowing is not love and intimacy for him? I love this man and want to make it work. I just would like for him to have eyes for only me, be in love with me and for us to be orgasmically happy. I’m sad that I’m due soon and that he’s not savoring these last few days of me being pregnant like in-love couples dreamingly would.
    Lonely and Sad,
    Thank you.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Judith
      You are right that he is merely using you biologically, but he does not know that. Because of worse than zero marital training in our society he is as much a victim as you are, it is just worse for you because you are not able to just walk away (not that you want to).
      He is looking for what his soul is yearning for, but his mind is driven by his procreative drive, and confused by the stupid non solutions the world has to offer. Men do not grasp love, for what it is, so it is up to the loyal wife to understand her husband and lovingly nudge him back into her heart…but chances are you are not yet acting from a heart centered place, even though you write very well. The book will help you immensely! The course would be greatly helpful as well.
      I hope commitment and marriage will be the outcome from your studies…
      I would suggest you stop the meeting with the therapist, as your husband is using it to vent and that will only strengthen the error, as his mind rationalizes away his practical responsibilities.

      • Judith Reply

        Thank you..I’m actually going to purchase the course. And although my intentions and talk may be the way, you’re right, perhaps my heart is not fully there. I want it to be. Im going to make this work! Thank you :)

  23. Judith Reply

    One last question…do I share this course with him? So we both follow it together? Or do I keep all these studies to myself?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Judith
      Free will is one of the greatest gifts each of us have been given. The slightest idea that someone is imposing on our free will causes defensiveness. For that reason we suggest you start the course and book, and after a time you can tell him what you are doing. Best, in your situation where there is already a lot of resentment, to not even mention that he also has full access, unless he asks. The, if he does, play it cool…
      As you start implementing changes you can share how much help you are getting, but wait a month or so before you say anything.

  24. Sharon Reply

    Paul, I have been reading all the sad stories women have written and it makes me ask why? I like the other women have been married 21years to a man that has LOTS of issues.We have 3 remarkable children, two are almost out of college and my little guy is 12. My 18 year old daughter had a paper to write for school and had to use the office computer because hers was out of juice and the paper had a submission deadline. She came upstairs a bit later and was visibly upset, I knew somethings wrong. I persisted calmly and sat her down and she fell apart. She told me Dad has signed up on a dating sight for $$ and left the window open on his computer she was very angry. HE SAID HE WAS Seperated AND HAD NO Children or even any pets, anyway it was all lies. My Oldest 20yr daughter had a very different reaction she said he’s sick which I also agree. Its aweful when your children are victims because of someone elses fantasy issues. I reassured the girls its not there fault or mine. This is his choice and we are where we put ourselves. I dont feel a confrontation will prove anything but make it worse. I however have some soul searching and thinking to do. I believe this is a symptom of a bigger problem. He has been diagnosed with seasonal Bi-polar disorder and his mother was a full blown manic/depressive and bipolar she had to be medicated and hospitalized for this affliction and I am sure it had an impact on him. Sooo there are other issues here, he’s also Diabetic and must have some real self-esteem issues. All that said it doesn’t justify the choices HE made ,or excuse them. I am aware that I am also not faultless here either. But Its important how I handle this because It greatly affects my children. I am not in a position to divorce him not sure its a solution.
    All I can think of is the Movie FireProof and the Love Dare Book. WE Are where we put ourselves. I am mad yes Id like to kick his ass for being so stupid and If pursues these women Ill have my answer I also know all it will take is one of his manic episodes and they wont stick around but I dont have to be a doormate either. My girls are watching me and I must make smart not emotional choices for there sakes. They want confrontation I said its respectfully my love relationship and I must make the decisions. It sucks being the only grown up sometimes, They will also need help with there Dad but for now ME First. Not sure how there male realtionships will be affected in the future. I guess most of all its my choice to stay or go for now.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Sharon
      You have confused yourself with too much reading of differing points of view, but have come to some very good conclusions.
      What we did was to establish our work in universal principles, and never stray from them in our teachings, constantly challenging ourselves to remain consistent. I suggest you do the same with your conclusions, but remain a woman and a wife. In other words you do not confront because it would have only detrimental repercussions, so why would you do so…you stay with your explanation to your daughter that her dad is currently struggling with psychological challenges because it reflects the principle of feminine compassion, and the principle of honoring others, especially the man who gave her birth and raises her…the “no children” got to her, but the delusion he is succumbing to is causing all sorts of unpredictable craziness, she needs to be loving and supportive, as a woman.
      You would get a lot of help from our teachings, and hope you consider it.

      • Sharon Reply

        Thanks for the helpful reply. Part of being married is for better or worse, guess this is the worse part YUCK anyway. I am a conservative and have a strong faith. I believe I can draw on it once again to regain my own confidence. Its never fun or funny its a sad state of the union when this rotten stuff happens but I must believe its a symptom of a weakness in my relationship. I can only control my own behavior and with prayer and alot of being my consistent self I must be get through this. If he chooses to leave me and his children its he that will loose. I am not going to go down the low road and will have to read and educate myself more to
        help to bring about a livable outcome for all of us. Like I said someone has to be grown up…thank for the kind ear

  25. Kayla Reply

    I just found my husband on a dating website .. I’ve been married for 10 years and have two kids

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Kayla

      Do not tell your spouse you discovered him.

      The reasons you do not confront your husband is because it will do much harm, no good, and probably spin off into much more drama.
      Can you imagine any person who has been caught actually responding well?? Only in a movie, perhaps, but even if he was contrite, and fell at your feet seeking forgiveness, that would be purely reactive, and short lived. But usually the reaction is either defensive, insulted or the beginning of the end. Additionally, most women catch their husband because they snooped; which will then become an issue, which distracts.

      Often, sometimes years later (sometimes less), husbands respond to the changed wife and take up the mission of creating a true marriage along with their wise wife who led the way.

      The husband who cheats is, by definition, unable to handle his married life (or wife) and has found an escape. He is not of sound mind, but is damaged; and you do not know how badly.
      Then there

  26. joe Reply

    I have a similar situation. Been married 10 years , 2 young daughters. My wife and I seperated 9months ago for anout a month.
    It was prompted by her built up frustration over the years.
    I moved to a hotel … During this time and a week previous to this I had caught her sex chatting online. I confronted her she played it down.
    The same week I moved out she constantly rang to make sure the comming Saterday night I would be with the kids….
    I thought it strange but as I was desperately trying to fix our marriage.. I complied without question.
    That night my 4 year old daughter said something i wrong with her ipad..
    I looked and it was pop up messenger communication sexual natured of my wife arranging a liason with a stranger…
    I flipped….
    Well a month later I moved back in.. She promised me it was a one off…
    I forgave…
    Since then I recently found out she has been having an affair for 8months. She confessed I got angry found the guy…
    She broke it off.
    Since then I have had trust issues. I opened a Ashley Maddison account and tried to look for her…
    Yesterday I found her pretending to be someone else.
    She was ready to meet me and stated she is in an unhappy marriage looking for fun.
    Our sex lives are great.. She openly admits that but letting it go so many times, I feel she thinks its acceptable behavior that if found out i will over look if I catch her.
    I dont want to teach my childrren that someone can do the same to them and they should always forgive.

    .

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Joe,
      I am glad you want to protect your daughters, but I do not think you understand the dynamics of what is actually going on, or the tendency for daughters to usually, not always but usually, follow in their mom’s footsteps, at least for awhile.
      Typically men ruin the relationship with their wife by using the “power” they have to control and manipulate them, then the wife, again “typically”,leaves the husband who has betrayed the subconscious primal reason she gets married; protection.
      I would be surprised if you did not fall into this routine, and suggest you look at your behaviors towards your wife with a critical eye.
      How a wife leaves her husband is almost never typical. Your wife, for instance, got into a pretty self destructive routine in her search for her way out, and I am sure her mind is doing the best it can sorting everything into rationalization that makes it all seem okay to her. I wouldn’t judge ANY of her behaviors if you want to win her back. I would laser focus on our materials, books or course, or both; and let her know you are trying with all you have…but I would not expect anything from her in return. In fact, from our experience, which is pretty consistent with the experience of others I have spoken with (whose methods I agree with) the chances for success are not good; and we do not know why…Perhaps most men are not willing to look at their own faults with an open mind, we don’t know.
      But you do need to work on the only person who you can influence; you!
      Hope this is helpful.

  27. marie Reply

    I read what you say to do but I felt like you were blaming me for his behavior.
    I am not going to take the blame for his behaviors..
    If he walks well he walks I really do not care but I refuse to be the escape goat for his misgivings.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Marie
      You are not “responsible” for his behaviors. There is no implication of such a crazy thing as that, but some do ‘hear’ that, and as you say, it is not correct.

      However, the fact is neither women or men understand marriage when they get married (or ever, in most cases), and by the time the marriage is falling apart it is almost always only one of you that wants to do anything about it. If you go through our blogs you will see that when a man comes for help he is told what he needs to do, and when a woman comes for help we tell her what she can do; and it is not the same. Men and women are different, and we are clear about each gender’s strengths and weaknesses.

      We are not always right on, but usually!

      If you are able to tame your anger, which we teach in our materials, you will be in a better place to be objective about whether to stay or not. If you have children we hope you stay, but that is general, and sometimes not the best, either.

      Either way, we teach people how to be married, how to manage their emotions and how to succeed. I hope you look at more of our material before you write us off.

  28. L Enriquez Reply

    My husband has joined several hookup/come fuck me site, dating websites and porn sites. All of a sudden, he is ALWAYS working (during the week, weekends, holidays, late nights), yet our bills are no longer being paid and now my paycheck is disappearing too. I have RA and started my infusions. I asked him to come to the first appointment because I was scared and did not know how I would react to the medicine. He blew me off to be with his “best friend”, who cheats on his live in girlfriend and now “works” with my husband. Now he has his phone with him 24-7-365 and made another fb page and another gmail account. He no longer sleeps in our bed and is always in his “man cave”. He told me I “forced him” to marry me. He says he loves me, but his actions show different. I have caught him in so many lies and he is so sneaky now. I know he is using drugs and he has gotten is several car accidents and our auto insurance got canceled. My depression is so bad and I am in such a dark place. My son is almost 18 and the only one I am concered about is our puppy and who will take care of her. I know it will hurt my dad, but I have decided to kill myself. I just cant take losing the love of my life and my best friend. The pain is too great.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear L
      It is NEVER a good idea to kill one’s self because the person who takes their own life is undermining all their future opportunities and possible relief, through self-effort, from their suffering. If it were not for great challenges none of us would grow psychologically or spiritually, so the right attitude to have about challenges is gratitude.

      The truth is that as a human being you have greater opportunities than any other living thing; but they are only opportunities. It is up to you to learn how to conquer life, and make yourself happy. Nobody can make you happy!

      Your husband is doing all kinds of wrong things, but think about how much damage he is doing to himself! You need to be as objective and loving as you can, or you will never see the way out of your pain and suffering.

      I know you can do this,and I am sure the stresses, the situation and even the medications you take are all impacting you. But it is your challenge, and you need to do the best you can…and do not be ashamed or afraid to get some help!!! There are times when we just cannot do it alone, and this sounds like one of those times for you.

  29. Judy Reply

    Need advice for my daughter. She has been married 4 1/2 years, has a 1 yr old son. Her husband was diagnosed with adult ADD and takes adderall. He is in school after the Navy and works part time. He has all the classic ADD symptoms and she had a hard time adjusting at first but is trying to accept. He also has had a binge drinking problem and has ended up in the hospital because of that. He has, for years lied about how much he is drinking. He has been unfaithful and has been on dating sites a couple of different times. He says it is her that is abusing him. She is so confused. It doesn’t make any sense to her. She has not always had the best reactions to his unfaithfulness and his drinking, but I believe that is a human reaction. She is going to counseling, her counselor says she can’t believe she is still with him. She wants to have the marriage work, but he moved out- at least part time, he does help with the baby. I am worried because he tends to take adderall and drink and I am worried about him driving with my grandson. Should she continue to try? Won’t his behavior continue? He will improve for awhile and then start the same behavior over again. Should she live her whole life like this ?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Judy
      My heart goes out to all of you, as your situation is so very difficult, and not fixable by either you or your daughter.
      However, the drinking was part of the package your daughter married, it appears. She likely knew about the drinking before she got pregnant. She knew what she was getting into, and chose to have a child anyway. Now, no matter how you slice it, they will be together in some fashion for the rest of their lives. This is a fact! …It is also a fact that most therapists try to push fathers out of the family, “for the sake of the child”; a controversial thing to do (her therapist had no business making the comment she did-it was an overreach because your daughter went for help, not judgment about her trying to keep their family together). So, the many negatives your daughter, her husband, and your grandson face may seem insurmountable. But, still, you must try to help your daughter, and your son in law, if you can.

      My humble opinion is that you reach out to your son in law and show him love in any motherly way you can, so he has a connection to his family as he goes through his personal trials. Resolve to be there for him, without being an enabler of course. Make yourself a saint to him, but not a martyr. You know, the only reason people drink is to alter their consciousness, thus escape. If one is complete in themselves, by feeling love, there is almost no chance they would want to alter their consciousness.

      Be supportive of their keeping the family together in every way you can without being intrusive, and take care of your grandson as often as possible.

      If your daughter is open to it show her our materials,but don’t push her. Free will is key to healing ourselves, Nobody can force another to do what is best, we can only offer.

      My prayers are with you.

      • Judy Reply

        Thank you, Mr. Friedman! my opinion of you has elevated! Yes, my daughter obviously knew of the drinking problem before the baby was born. They met in college and I believe since she had gone through some tough times, she loved him and felt she could help him. She has always been the type to look out for her friends in need. He says he did think they were perfect for each other at first, but I believe the drinking, the hard Navy life for the first couple of years, the ADD and ups and downs with medication, took a toll . My daughter always said she took her marriage vows very seriously, but now after the back and forth, she is not so sure. Her biggest fear is as our grandson gets older he will see what his Daddy is doing and she doesn’t want him exposed to that. I see our grandson every week so we are very involved as are the in laws, who are wonderful people, but are so amazed that their son is doing this, they seem to ignore and try to act as if everything is normal. I, at this point, don’t now how to talk to him. You are right, I don’t want to be the martyr, but I am afraid because of my feelings on how much he has hurt our daughter, I am afraid it will come out that way. We have talked in the past, but he seems to not hear a lot of what I have tried to discuss, as his ADD gets in the way and he just blankly stares or nods his head. I am not sure how to approach him. I have always tried to let him know we love and care about him, but after his latest of getting back on dating sites and not trying after he said he needed some space to try to find his good self again, doesn’t seem to fit with his actions. How do I talk to him when he deals with ADD and has a short attention span, be motherly and help him. I am at a loss. I do think my daughter(maybe not this week, since she is still reeling from his pics on the dating site) will be open to trying.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Judy
          I am glad you are more open to my perspective now, because I want your daughter and son in law to have the kind of life they should have, based on what marriage is, and what it gives. I have seen some true miracles (based on what people have come to expect). I have worked with world famous couples and couples who were only able to give me a county voucher for $38, but when there are kids involved I gave it my all. The courses and books that came after have it all too, so when a wife goes for it, and uses what we teach, the failures are so rare that I cannot recall any; and I have seen much worse situations than your family is now faced with.

          But, unless your daughter 1) truly wants her family back (some subconsciously give up) and 2) finds our approach as viable, we cannot help.

          The power of the wife is missed in modern society, as women have had to fight for social equality, and then find her self while battling ignorance. But the truth is women are the dynamo of mankind because of their heart-centricity. This does not mean, in any way, to become a doormat!! But the power of love is the greatest power, and your daughter needs to understand what all that means so she can apply it.

          I continue to keep you all in my prayers.

  30. Judy Reply

    I understand that she would have to be committed to the idea of saving their marriage. I will bring your program up to her. One thing I notice through your whole presentations and letters is that it is the wife that must do these things. Are you saying that in everyone one of your cases, the wife does all of the studying, learning, and changes and the husband just naturally changes and is happy with his marriage? That he will always stop his destructive behavior if the wife changes her ways and attitudes? I am just a little leary because he has even said he is not ready to change and doesn’t see the need to change?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Judy
      Men are limited in their perspective because of how the innate drive to survive works through the male psyche. Obviously, because there are no absolutes in the world, there are times when men step up to the plate first. But normally it is the wife who takes the lead. I have seen where it takes the husband two years to “come around”. Usually it is within months, though. I suppose it depends on the two individuals, but yes, the wife is in the drivers seat once she understands what we teach and begins to apply it.
      You are leary, and expectedly so, because there is so much misinformation at our finger tips.
      The teachings we put out are nearly pure science, and the results are very predictable. There are of course exceptions, like how bad your son in law is reduced by the drugs and alcohol, but we can be hopeful.

      The reason we guarantee our courses is because we only want success, and it can take time, so there is no 90 or 120 day guarantee…it is forever. If your daughter is drawn to use our teachings she will absolutely benefit, and hopefully to the point of healing of her husband, and family.

      I still think it is a good idea for YOU to let your son in law know you still love him, because he is driving through hell right now, and he needs love and a hand ready to lift him out, or at least encouragement to try.

  31. Sloan Reply

    Hi Mr Friedman, my husband & I have been married over half of our lives. We grew up together, have 3 children, two of which will be 18 soon. I’ve always trusted my husband. He’s so smooth, he truly appears to be in love with me after 25 years.

    I never dreamed for a single second he would have an affair. My curiosity was peeked after his sudden extreme interest in a form of sex, that I am not in the very least interested in. I understand that our interests change as we age. However, this was learned behavior.

    I started opening my eyes a little, but didn’t say anything. I looked through phone records & saw extremely lengthy talk times. He doesn’t like to talk on the phone, for more than a few minutes. One sign I should have caught, is how over protective he is over his phone. I snuck into his phone & looked up the numbers of suspicion. He saved text message that “appeared” business related. One was an email from the woman who is a Realtor. He has her in his phone as an employee where he works. I too found multiple adult dating sites & porn sites, which is where he claimed to have the sudden interest licking of the anal area. So gross! I’m not a prude, I’m just very disinterested in anal. I brought home sex toys & creams, oils & he didn’t appear too enthused.

    Sorry to ramble. Here is the short version. He denied, denied, denied. We are just friends. We’ve known each other for years. Later he couldn’t take the guilt & admitted, when our children were very young, they worked together & had such an attraction, they had sex in the parking lot. The most recent affair was during a time I battled cancer. I realized how short life is. I was asking him to go away with me & have a ring ceremony. He declined, but in a loving I don’t need a man to tell me I Love you, I already know.

    He lies, performs about things I don’t care about, but openly admits things that cut deep to the bone. I never needed to know he has had an on & off affair with a woman that obviously has a piece of his heart, if he’s willing to risk his family to have an affair with her, during a time we needed him most. I always thought he was the sweetest, most loyal, loving family man. Everyone is in shock. No one believes he is capable of being THAT guy. My kids want me to leave him. The twins are 17 & not quite ready to leave the house. This affair destroyed a family. My daughter doesn’t believe in marriage & my son, who gets very little attention from his Dad, overheard the fighting & knows he spent hours in a day of talk time with her & sends him an instant message he’ll call him back, but never does.

    As I’m writing all of this, I realize how ridiculous it is for me to consider staying & I kept it short. I left out that a girl I opened our home to years ago when she was down on her luck, came on to him “only twice” as if that’s ok & he (took) it. That’s his line. They threw themselves at me. & I took it. He leaves out, years later, he reaches out for more.

    If you met him & witnessed our family before the discovery, you would think I’m making it up. He is “was” literally appeared to be my biggest fan. I take pride in my appearance & look a considerable amount younger than him. Everyone says they expected out of the two of us, it would be me having affairs.

    I am having a hard time letting go & accepting my future dreams of growing old with him are destroyed.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Sloan
      There is so much confusion in the world about what marriage is, and why men and women act the way they do, and what one should do in this case or that. It is why I sorted universal principles into a process to help couples, and then into a first book, then a second. Your challenge is not as much with your husband as it is with understanding what the heck is going on. In other words, our books, or course, would be ideal for you. Cherry picking one or another topic for you would never do, it would only add to your confusion.

      But I will say this; if you want your marriage to work, and to have more than you even thought possible, you will almost for sure be able to have that.

  32. Lara Reply

    Is there any way or circumstances that you can tell him that you know about this or better not at all? My husband did this before and then I told him then he stopped now I see him up there again but I didn’t say anything yet. We are only married for a year. I’m 29 and he is 34. There is a lot of stress we both going thought right now because of other things but we love each other which I’m sure about. I’m just trying to understand what should I do or not.Thank you

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Lara,
      I would describe your situation as needing more than a bandaid. The problem, which is what I discovered to be “The” problem when I began my search for marital answers is that you and your husband do not really know how to be married…That may sound crazy, but if you wanted to succeed at anything other than marriage you would find science based information to prepare, so you would be successful. But that is not easy to find for marriage. It is mostly random ideas, or spiritual ideals, which are not so easy to follow.

      Your husband is hooked on porn because of many factors, but if you knew how to be there for him he would be able to disengage from this terrible addiction; as that is what it becomes for men.

      I am glad that your love is true, that you do not condemn him. That is the right way. Perhaps our teaching can help you. I think they can.

  33. Tina Reply

    Paul, my problem might be a little different. I DO NOT love my husband to begin with. He loved me at the beginning and we felt comfortable being with him, so we got married. Now we have a 2 year old daughter. I want to save the marriage for two reasons 1)Security is more important to me than love. 2) we have a young child. I can tolerate him chatting and meeting with other women (because I don’t love him). We run a business together, so we are more than business partners during the day, and roommates at night. We have sex once a month. Till today, I know he still loves me and I will never “develop love” under current circumstances. (Chatting and Dating). My questions is: do I want to be in this kind of marriage for the rest of my life? Plus, I am a extreme give and take person (based on fairness) in nature.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Tina
      I appreciate your candor, and I will be candid with you, too.
      Your use of the word love is based on emotions, and is therefore limited. There is real love, which is spiritual in nature. It is, in fact, “what” you are. But for reasons neither of us could ever discover (and it would be a waste to try) your not connected to your heart. Because of this lack of connection, and from what you write you have never loved your husband, it would be wise to practice techniques that allow you to “feel” love, and through your husband.

      Obviously what you present is so loaded, on so many levels, so let me highlight the important considerations, with as much priority as I can attempt.

      1) Your daughter will do very poorly if you end your marriage.
      2) Your daughter will be blocked from her heart,like you, if you ignore your work; to connect.
      3) You are an easy target for heavy drug or alcohol use because the mind cannot handle not feeling love.

      I suggest our book, over our course, to begin with. Then, if you do not “see” what I am talking about, take the course, so you can reach out to us, so we can help you.

      As a woman you are born to love…Don’t give up! There are possibilities for you that you cannot presently imagine.

  34. Silvia Reply

    I just recently found out 4 days ago that my husband was on a couple of dating sites for locals to meet. I was very hurt when I found them and did confront him about it but not in any aggressive way. I brought it up during one of our video chats because right now he is deployed. I said “hey I found out that you are on this and this site (with photo evidence). I’m very hurt.” He apologized and said he was stupid and should have never done those things. I told him in a loving way that I believed he was sorry and has regrets but the trust was no longer there. I ended the video chat because I had nothing else left to say. Moments later he texts me photos of him deleting all of his accounts and says that he loves me and he will not let his mistake destroy our marriage. I appreciate his immediate efforts but after that, he continues to ask if he has gained any of my trust back every single day, and every day I say no. He expects this to be a quick fix and this is where things get far more worse. I told him that there isn’t much we can do until he comes back home in 4 months but he is nervous I will not be around by that time and I can’t promise that I will be. I’m at a lost here. all he has done is shown photos of deleting the dating sites, but he could possibly have a woman there at this deployed location and I wouldn’t be the wiser.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Silvia
      I am glad you sent this because your marriage should not be lost because of this mishap.

      It is very rough, discovering your husband was not loyal, and I am sure you feel like it is the end, and there are a lot of people who would agree with you, and what you did. But there is another way to look at it, and another way to look at him.

      Men are not women, and when it comes to sex men are simply not connected to their heart. They are driven by their procreative drive to be lustful, and it is only a loyal and tender wife who can give her husband the insight you take for granted.

      I suggest the following
      1. Determine to put off leaving him until you have the chance to work on this in person.
      2. Tell him you still love him, but you must work through this, and see if you are able to get past this
      3. Read our book, so you have a better understanding of who and what both of you are (you will be surprised)
      4. If you have children, forget about leaving him, and definitely get our help to put this behind you.

      I am always saddened by the things people do to each other, the ones they love. But usually the offender needs compassion and love to realize the truth behind marital vows.

  35. Ashley Reply

    Hi, recently I found my husband on a “dating” app. It was so strange to me, because he was using a fake name and he was talking to other women, but none of what he was saying was true. There was nothing dirty in the conversations, it really did appear to be just chatting. But he did tell one girl she was better looking than he was. Just a little background info and now back to the point. Before we met he was on multiple sites, we actually met on a dating site. I did not confront him. Instead I told him I was going to get on some sites to meet some new friends, basically I was being sneaky. I then signed up on the site that he was on, not exactly a dating site it’s a site to “meet, chat and make friends”. When I did this he said what site is it? I said the name, then after a few minutes he said he had to go to the bathroom and I checked and he was no longer on this site. I then told him I was deleting the site because it’s not a friend’s site, it’s a dating app. I haven’t mentioned it like I said, I’ve just been trying to be happier with him. I want to plan and do some special things for us. I’m so confused because we seem happy. He seems happy. He is very affectionate to me and he treats me well, he never goes out unless I’m with him so I don’t think he’d actually physically cheat on me. By that I mean have sex with someone. He has had a couple of bad marriages in the past, and they had cheated on him while he was deployed, and I’m wondering why he would be doing this? I will be continuing the advice of not confronting him and just trying to be a good wife and I want my marriage to last! But from a mans prespective, what does this mean? What should I continue to do?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Ashley
      You are smart to continue to be a good wife, despite his mistakes. After all, why would you want to lower yourself. or confront, and put him into a defensive posture.
      I do not condone his behaviors, but the advice that some experts give, to confront, and somehow get him to come around is dangerous.
      Marriage is not so simple. It is as complex as two individuals, combined. But it can be made more simple by having a vision of what marriage is ; the vision, goals, and steps to achieve them.
      Have you read our book? Based on your current situation, and the realities of your husband being “addicted” to the chase, your efforts will need to be combined with unending compassion and understanding.
      We also just launched updated courses, and our active military discount will make it easier for you…but that is not posted yet, so you would need to request from our support dept.
      Glad to hear from you, and stay strong.

  36. Miriam Reply

    I came on this site to try and get some sound and workable answers to my predicament.It seems that unless you are in a similar situation no one understands the pain and hurt that the partner feels. My husband have gone further by actually trying to send pictures to these women. I love him and I know he loves me as he have no problem showing it. However I have not had climaxed in months since finding out. He no longer makes love to me in the same way and reaches his climax quickly. Am highly sexed and he was aware of this before all this started. I feel unwanted and undesired which makes it difficult during sex to climax. Its like he is having sex with these women and not me. Am considering stopping the sex and just be his wife in all other ways. The hurt have left me crying and resentful, this is not me and am feeling depressed.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Miriam
      I know that is why you came to our website. and that, in and of itself, is a problem.

      Marriage problems are not in the same category as spots on the rug, or learning how to paint your room. The symptoms of a marriage that is not functioning as it should are not like some simple rash, like you might get from a spider bite.
      Marriage is a complex relationship that has many facets and myriads of interactive opportunities. You cannot learn how to be married, or how to fix your marriage, by reading a few articles, anymore than you can rid yourself of many physical diseases with some herbs, or over the counter medication.

      The fact that your husband is not connecting with you exclusively is a symptom.
      Your caring more about orgasms than connection is a symptom.
      Not having seen the signs of your husbands discontent is a symptom.

      If all you want is to be understood, or have the knowledge that you are not alone, you are misunderstanding marriage. And believe me, marriage is so amazing when it is understood that you are currently taking a luxury sedan on a bike trail.

      Take what is happening as a wake up call to action! Take our program or read our books. your marriage is far from over, but it is certainly heading towards a cliff.

  37. Heather Reply

    I would like to know if my marriage can be saved when he doesn’t even admit to being unfaithful. I would like there to be a resolution and to get past this but don’t feel I can begin to trust my husband again and rebuild our relationship if he does not take accountability in the first place…is this logical?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Heather,
      Your husband is not a business partner, but the man you chose to love and cherish, for better or worse.
      Many women who experience the humiliation of being cheated on become so focused on their humiliation that they don’t stop and analyze why their husband felt the desire to stray, so they cannot begin to bring their marriage back. They fall into the cycle of blame, react, and eventually split.
      Has it occurred to you, and I say that with all respect and sympathy, that your marriage was already pretty bad? That your husband was acting out, deplorably of course, but acting out because your communication was not good enough? That your connection was already slipping?

      Instead of putting conditions on him just to begin reconciliation is a very bad idea. Instead of that I suggest you use our program, which helps you get past this drama, and get a fresh start.

  38. Mony Reply

    I am at the end of my rope, my husband likes to lie and hide stuff. I got married with him at the age of 17 after coming out pregnant by my first kid, which is now 11. We have 3 kids the baby is turning 6 and the middle one has a chronic illness. I feel so hopeless because this is not the first time he does this. Before I got married to him he brought girls over the house and well who knows what happened. After being married for about 6 years he travel to his country and meets up with his ex girlfriend (he was in contact with her through fb) Years later I have chosen to forgive and move on and I feel like I find him either trying to smoke weed behind my back or searing in craigslist in the personal section. 11 years later I find him on xdating website trying to hook up with girls. He says he didn’t do anything and that it wasn’t him. He says he doesn’t want me to leave him but I am so done, I want and need security and peace of mind.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Mony
      Your situation is not easy. But it is not all your husband’s fault that things have deteriorated so much. Both of you were so young when you got pregnant! Now, you have to analyze what to do.
      Before I just condemned my husband and moved on I would try to use our program, alone if you have to, to create a better environment that you both want, and love. But it takes work. is it worth it? I think so, but it is only you who can determine that.

  39. Jess Reply

    Me and my partner have been together nearly two years and it has been going downhill for a long time, I am currently using his old mobile, as mine had broken and his e-mails pop up on the phone. One popped up for a hook up site that was set up just a few months ago. I feel like I can’t give him what he wants or needs and I feel like I’m not good enough for him and I have put on some weight which I am self-conscious about. I am constantly run off my feet washing his clothes, shopping etc and he can’t even be bothered to tidy up his mess. Every time I ask him if he could tidy or take some rubbish out he gets all agressive and blames it on being tired from working when we work the same hours. I need to confont him but he is always angry and turns the tables on me and accuses me of cheating. We are stuck together any time that we are not at work, so I wouldn’t have time to cheat anyway, I want some space from him but he’s so insecure I can’t go out with my family without having to text him every 10 minutes because, clearly, he thinks I’m up to something else even though he has seen the family picutres of that day. I know we need space but I just can’t because at times he gets so angry when I want to go out that he threatens to leave me and calls me horrible names and tells me to kill myself. My parents live 40 miles away and I don’t get to see them very often. I know the relationship is toxic, I don’t know whether to fix it or leave. Please help, what should I do?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Jessica
      We do not tell wives to leave their husbands because we are very concerned about what the children go through. That is our focus, to help couples have a great marriage, which is almost always possible.
      In your case we would guide you to read Lessons for a Happy Marriage as a first step, because you will then have a better understanding of what marriage is about, and what you need to do. You can internet search it “Lessons For a Happy Marriage Paul Friedman”

  40. Elsa Reply

    Don’t get me wrong when i say this as i am a loving and a really nice person but men are all the same. if so many men aren’t the same, then why is there countless of women on here all with the same occurrence in their marriage? men are greedy and they want more than they can chew. i am over fifty years old and i have seen this same day in day out problem with men, god knows iv been there and done that!! if anyone in the world who needs to be more loving, more caring, more of this and more of that, its MEN. NOT women. the world would be a better place if they were the ones to change.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Elsa
      I know what you mean, but unless you want to live without a man you need to understand them, so you can work with what drives them instead of what you think should drive them….does that make sense?
      I would not characterize all men as being the ones who need to change, though, because until a person is ready to change you cannot get them to.
      My solution is to teach women about men’s proclivities so they can create the connection while keeping them close to home. In most cases, when a woman knows what to do she can have an excellent loving marriage without sacrifice or compromise.
      In most cases the educated effort on a woman’s part does the trick, and the past offenses melt away as if they never happened. Not always, but most of the time.

  41. Felicia Reply

    My husband and I have been together for 40 years. I recently found that he’s been having an affair with a woman for a year, he told me it was purely for sex, there was no emotional connection. I don’t believe that. We’re moving to Portland Oregon soon, he’s been working and living there supposedly preparing for my arrival.
    I went to visit at Christmas and found that he was calling her everyday that he was with me, and went to see her immediately after I left.
    After I found out about the affair, I found out that he was on several dating sites such as Fitness Singles, Match.com, Fling, Lonely Hearts etc. I also found some of the communications he had with women on these sites and they were extremely sexually explicit and includes trading photos. He was asking several women for photos of themselves.
    I’m on the verge of divorce as he’s been extremely defensive and seems to think this behavior is normal. He wants to stay in the marriage, but I’ve found he’s been on dating sites for over 8 years. He said he never joined or paid for memberships, but several years ago we were almost financially ruined, to this day, I’ve never found out why, because he took over our finances. I didn’t know we were in trouble until the Sheriff was at the door with a foreclosure notice and his car was repossessed.
    Recently I saw our phone bills they’re full of unknown numbers, some numbers, especially the person he was sleeping with have over 600 texts in one month.
    He shares a house with a friend and his girlfriend, I saw a message to her on Mothers Day, he said “Happy Mothers Day gorgeous, I’m making brunch would you like to join me” Of course she did. There were other texts between him and this woman, very flirtatious texts. I met her at Xmas when I went to visit. I caught a look between them both over my shoulder. It was undeniable, but he denies it. Her boyfriend is away quite often.
    There are emails to himself, with just a woman’s name in the subject field? Like a reminder. He also had a secret Yahoo account that he said he deleted years ago. That was a lie.
    To say I’m in shock would be an understatement. I’m 60 years old and feel my whole world is shattered, I don’t know who he is. I’m starting to feel an intense hatred toward him. I need help and advice. I live quite a solitary life at the moment, and I’m dealing with this mostly on my own.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Felicia
      The complexity of the situation you describe makes one think that your husband has found a way to cope with his unhappy marriage as best he can. Is it “good”? No, of course not. But you asked for advice because it is not clear what you should do about it, and, I would also say you need to think about how you should view what is happening.
      If you look at it from the perspective of how all these things affect you, than you are setting yourself up as a victim, and you lose, no matter how you rationalize things. But if you see yourself as your husband’s greatest lover, his angel, his best friend; I am trying to articulate your role in the highest sense, then you would not judge him for his mistakes; at all! Instead you would try to help him back on track.
      This is a free will call, and not an easy one. But I will tell you that I have seen women recover their marriages in amazing ways when they choose to go the high road. I have seen it many times. But the women who choose to be resentful and even vindictive, they suffer…endlessly it seems.

      If you want to go the high road, then don’t bother with my books, because although it all there there are no step by steps. Instead you need to take the program, which will help you, along with our coaching. If you choose to be mad, and end your marriage, it will be kind of sad.

  42. Tracy Reply

    Paul,

    I cannot help but feel that you are blaming women for the choices their husbands make. I have been with my husband and been faithful to him for 8 years now. he cheated a few times in the beginning of our relationship and has had a ‘need’ for female attention our whole relationship. I never made a big deal out of it and did just what your advice stated. I was non judge mental, supportive, forgiving. I’ve always done anything he needed of me and have gone to all lengths to show him love in all ways big and small. I never let him feel unappreciated and I never throw mistakes he’s made in his face. Rather, I’ve let him know that I’m here for him, that if I can help him in any way I will. Things can be great, but it seems like he always cycles back to wanting to cheat, dating sites, etc. telling me out of the blue that he doesn’t love me, but won’t let me go when I tell him he doesn’t have to stay with me. Sometimes he confesses, but others I find out. I don’t tell him I know until he’s told me what he’s done. He tells me that I have been wonderful and have done nothing to deserve it. That he couldn’t ask for anything else in a wife. After the last time I told him I am at a loss as to what I can do now to help him. He says he doesn’t know why he does this because he doesn’t want anyone else and knows without a doubt he would not be ok if I were doing these things. So what advice do you give someone that has done everything you suggested? I never make him feel bad, rather I hold him and love him during these times. While my heart is broken I swallow my pain and try to soothe his over what he is doing to me…your advice suggests that I should just keep swallowing it and accept that this is what he does and stay in a marriage where I am not shown the same honor and respect no matter what.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Tracy
      The reality is that in this day and age there is a bizarre openness to infidelity that affects us all. So men, who in normal times would otherwise control themselves, for the sake of morality and their families, play out their fantasies. Not all men fall for the temptations, of course; but far too many do. So the problem(s) is that a wife has to decide what she is going to do when she finds out; and all wives eventually find out. Does she leave her husband, who in most respects is a good man, or does she become a doormat? Or is there a better alternative?
      The problems between a couple that lead up to men being unfaithful are not always apparent. Like you, in many cases wives think they are just great wives. They, like you, think they give all that their husband needs; plenty of sex, kindness, and all the other positives that women “learn” are important to men. The trouble is that what they learn from many false prophets of marriage is wrong. So, with great intentions, they concentrate on the things that are superficial; like sex. They miss the core necessities that neither men or women learn about in our superficial society. More importantly, in my humble opinion, is that women undermine their own self esteem, which creates a negative cycle, making the marriage even more unstable,and their husband’s less attracted to them.

      The process we have in our programs begins with teaching a woman what she is, so she can regain her self esteem, and how to regain control over her emotions so she can act with the higher wisdom (love) within herself.

      Will our program work for you? I don’t know; probably. It has worked for many, but each person and each couple are have so many unique attributes that nobody could ever be sure. But thats why we guarantee results; so you can try it out.

      Don’t give up,Tracy. And when you take the program someone will guide you as you need.

      • Tracy Reply

        Thank you for responding to me, Paul. Some of what you say makes a lot of sense to me. I don’t think I’m the best wife on the planet though, and I happen to be a very capable woman. I think it would hurt anybody’s self esteem to a degree to be betrayed by infidelity, but I learned long ago that all that negativity and losing control of emotions doesn’t do him or I any good. I also don’t think it is healthy to pretend it’s not a problem. I try very hard to be open and if there is anything he feels is not being met in our marriage, he is free to express it. I know that it takes more than being kind and plenty of sex because we as people change and our needs can change as well.
        I don’t want to give up, and I haven’t yet. As you said he is a very good man, except for this continuing problem and I love him deeply. It is very hard, though, to keep having my trust and understanding taken for granted. How does your program help him? Why do you not think he needs to make changes? These are his choices and I feel like you want me to hold myself accountable for them. I know I can’t change him, I can only change myself. I guess after so long of being the only one fighting for our marriage I am worn out. I always assess what Iat have contributed to us ending up here again and again…but in the end I am feeling like I can not win against the moral depravity of today. No matter how bad things have been I have never made the choice to seek out attention or comfort from another man…and we made the same promises to each other when we married. I feel like you promote it being ok for him to not hold true to them because he is a guy. Marriage is a partnership, there is no reason it should all be on the woman.

      • Leah Reply

        I have a great ? To u? Is it okay? 4 to a shattered heart? My husband, has a dating site, profile, from back of 2011, we have only been married, for less than in a yr. My husband, has not cheated, but his grump side, is showing. He says he, doesn’t know anything about it. And that I “shouldn’t be concerned” about it, and stop blaming him. Okay? Explain this, I shouldn’t be using thee “blame game”, But, he shouldn’t be using “I don’t know”.
        My husband says, that I am a snoppier, stop goin thru shyt. Should I be concerned after a yr, being no others problem, other than just now finding out a he has old skool account, even open? Yes, he hasn’t been on his email, account since 2011-12. But, should be concerned bout him even having a open account still this day? Even tho he hasn’t went thru it back in 2011-12?
        He says I’m thee problem? Is this true?
        I say home, cook, clean, try 2 stay pos. His not always mean. But, if u make him mad, his like a lighting bolt that killed a tree.
        His my first, marriage. I swear that I only him 2 be always. B/c I know he has open heart, a gentle touch. And we can be happy. We dated back in high school. It made him mad, at me, b/c I found out that he had a dating site back in 2011-12, an so on? What do we need 2 do? Or we need to do 2 save our marriage? Plz and thank u.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          There are many things you can learn from either one of our books, or from the course. What we teach will help you a great deal, and I believe your marriage will be safe if you are able to apply what you learn.
          Nearly every single person on the planet will avoid being found out, so your husband is not bad, just busted. It is not a good idea to press him, confront him, or expect of him. You can only change yourself, and that will attract him. The guidance you will get will help you choose what needs to change, and how to do it.
          Stay in touch.

  43. Paul Friedman Post authorReply

    Dear Tracy
    I’m glad you followed up.
    IF, and this is a big if, your husband would like to get help for his marriage, then our help is better than any he will ever get anywhere (and you can use our bundled price). However, it should be clear that we help individuals, who use our teachings to help their marriage. If your husband came to us I would be just as “unfair” with him.
    You cannot change anyone other than yourself. Add to that the need to know how to change yourself, and what steps are required, and a clear idea of what you change to, and why; that is how our program works,

  44. Tammy Reply

    Paul, when I discovered my husband sexting another woman my earth was shattered, my heart was broken and I lost my love for him. We had an ideal relationship that everyone was envious of, I was truly happy but I know now that he was not. He has remorse and is seeking help in trying to become a better person, and while I can see that he is trying, my heart is still so broken. I have forgiven him, but everytime I look at him I see pain instead of love… My question is this; If this emotional affair has destroyed the love I once had for him, is there honestly anything in your program that can restore that. I used to love him and was so happy, now I feel like all my happiness has been taken from me. I want for us to work, but I don’t want to stay in a relationship holding on to the possibility that I may love him again one day if that’s an unrealistic expectation. I also don’t want to be in a marriage where I am unhappy, so just trying to ‘suck it up’ is not an option.
    Can we ever be happy again if all I feel when I see him is resentment?

    Any advice or guidance you can give would be greatly appreciated.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Tammy
      Here is the 100% truth, without bells or whistles, and without any agenda, other than to serve you the shortest, simplest, and most secure path to happiness.
      The program we offer, if BOTH of you take it, will work. The chances of you both gaining happiness, better than before, when you thought you had it all is nearly 100%. The chances for failure, almost zero.
      The reason why this is so is because our approach is scientific, deliberate, process oriented, and proven so many times I cannot tell you.
      In your situation this is the best way to regain your happiness, and restart your love and marriage.

  45. Jessica smith Reply

    I have been married to my husband for 8 years. I have always felt like it was a good marriage.. we only fight every once in awhile it’s usually stupid and Petty and we get over it quickly. I think the biggest problem in our marriage is I’m not a very sexual person we get intimate maybe twice a month. My husband is very sexual however I’ve noticed in the last 6 or more months he completely gave up. I kept telling him I felt like we were disconnected and that I felt like something was wrong and he would just tell me that I’m crazy and overthinking things. We just had a baby the first one back in January. He kept blaming or lack of intimacy because of us having a child and life being different now. Although I’m not very sexual I am very cuddly I do like to be touched and cuddled. It is in the last 6 months that that’s become almost nonexistent. Last night I found out that he has been approaching women on Craigslist. I have very little details because he will only confessed to the information that I found. Which is he has met at least one person there was no details in the email as to what they did he is claiming that they met in a park and just talked no touching no sex but I don’t believe it. Then I found multiple emails where he described that he was married what he looked like and sent a normal picture of himself not a sexual one and asked for a casual hookup. Most of these emails took place back in June but there was one last week that he sent to another girl claiming they almost met up and never had a chance and he would like to meet up with her. I found all this information out just last night he is very very apologetic he’s not allowed to have phones at work yet he has snuck away and called me multiple times trying to apologize and beg for my forgiveness I just don’t know what to do. My biggest problem is has this only been going on since June? Or has this been happening behind my back all along and I never knew. He does not go out a lot so I don’t really think he’s had a whole lot of opportunities to actually go out and meet people I think most of it has been online communication. However I know he met one person and I really believe there was sex involved but he won’t tell me any details he just says he doesn’t remember even though it only happened a few months ago. I don’t know what to do I’m at a loss I don’t know what to believe I don’t know if I should forgive him and I don’t know if he’s sincere that this won’t happen again. I’ve always told him that if I was ever cheated on I wouldn’t stay in the relationship. his brother is currently going through the exact same thing with his wife and we sit here and talk about how nasty she is and then to find out the same is happening to me is a big punch in the gut.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Jessica
      Yours is an emergency, and I will do all I can to entice you to use our marriage help program; starting RIGHT AWAY.

      That being said, you need some education around your ideas about sex in marriage. Being there for another, whom you love, means loving them in ways that they understand. Your husband understands your being sexual with him, and wanting to be sexual with him, as an act of love. Withholding yourself because you do not feel like it is selfish and irresponsible. What did you expect your husband to do with his sexual energy, that you are shocked by his straying?

      The hundreds and thousands of questions that fall out of this broad topic are covered, at the core, within our program. But your multiple layers of self victimizing will only drive him away…all the way to divorce. I hope you do not test my words.

  46. Rosemarie Martino-Hutz Reply

    Paul
    Oh my. I am concerned about many Women in these letters. Have you personally seen some of these sites? I wonder what your opinion is on domestic abuse and for that matter child porn, because these sites are full of these thing. Would you recommend staying with a husband who hits them or god forbid molest their children. I am only bringing this up because I fear for their safety.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      People, men or women, who are into child porn are in a different category altogether. We have not seen any sign of that from our clients or readers. I would always suggest getting out, and taking the kids; who they are not safe with those individuals.

  47. Blalex Reply

    I stumbled onto this site looking for answers myself. And I read all the posts above and it is frightening that so many like me are experiencing cyber cheating. It is too easy to do today and I believe it takes a strong conviction not to go there. I am very interested in getting your book and taking it from there. This is the second relationship where I caught my man surfing and active on dating and porn sites. The relationship before it escalated into escort and strip clubs. I was lucky to get out of that one. I am afraid I walked into it again in this one. I am not married to my current man. We have only been together for a couple of years and I found out several months ago and kept it to myself, just kept an eye on the frequency. After a recent 2 week vacation, I hoped it would stop. But when it didn’t I finally, without anger or accusations confronted. I see now after reading this site that that was not the best approach. Because here is my simple fact: I have lost trust and nothing he can say or do will make it better or will make him stop. I believe there are a lot of factors that come into play in a union between two people. My goal is to work on me and I am encouraged to dig deep and hopefully be able to start another relationship on a healthier note. I am an attractive 53 year old woman and have not remarried in over 20 years. I realize that I have chosen the wrong men for a lot of reasons, so I am not going to play victim. I thought this one was different, so I am ok saying I am missing seeing the signals. I hope to gain some knowledge from your book and some strength so I don’t end up in the loony bend!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I am glad you found us…but lets take a closer look at the “suspect”…a man. Bear in mind that I am not taking him off the hook, not excusing him, or saying what he is doing is just fine; but the context is misleading because men are not women.
      Women and men are both driven to do most of what they do because of their particular biology. Likewise, most of how a man sees things is different than how a woman sees the exact same thing; because of biology.
      Your man does not see what he is doing as “wrong”, just something he needs to hide because it is seen by you as “bad”. Any guilt he will have is from being caught, not because he is disloyal; because as a man, what he is doing is not seen as disloyal; and much of that confusion is due to society.
      I think it might be a mistake to jump ship. Reading one our books will shed a lot of light, and maybe you will realize you are not attracting “bad” men at all.

  48. Taylor Reply

    This is awful terrible advise. You are putting the blame for the infidelity on the wife, that is not right at all. He is completely 100% responsible for his choice …..

    I, Paul, have edited out the rest…but we get a number of these and so it needs to be addressed

    I do not blame, but objectively report the conditions, and the solutions. Marriage is NOT a business contract between two, but a pact for two to achieve Love. Men are wrong when they stray. If all you want is confirmation of that you do not need us. If all you want is to vent, you do not need us. If you want to save your marriage, from where it now is, we can help you.

  49. Kaye Reply

    My sig other of 5+ years is not “open” to an open relationship, yet enjoys porn (so do I) among role play, but sex and life still at times feels stale and dull, and I recently was informed he is online dating, love him like crazy, and I know feeling is mutual, but seriously, can one person please another in all senses for a life time? I chose to keep my mouth smiling, love my guy and please myself …. reconnected with my 2 prior pleasers ( 20 years my junior!) and also have a great man who is finding his needs where we can’t /don’t seem to meet for each other. Life, love and happiness…..don’t overthink or let “ego” rule the way!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Kaye
      Your relationship is a mess. There are no limits, and there is no goal; other than day to day pleasure. You both are acting like undisciplined children who play with toys for a while and then go to another…what is your life about??
      Our human being-ness is an amazing gift. We can choose to love, express love, and aspire love…you are all about sex and sense gratification; if you have an itch you think you have to scratch it.
      Maybe Breaking The Cycle would help you get some depth, but usually it takes some very hard falls for people to start examining their lives and purpose…you have our prayers.

  50. Susan Reply

    I have known my husband for 40 years (married for 38). Best marriage ever! 4 wonderful kids and 6 grand kids so far. Coming up to retirement years we often talk about how our future will look. Planning trips we’d like to do, and hobby’s we’d like to take up, mostly together. But….2 years ago I caught my husband secretly getting on dating sites. I confronted him with it and he wouldn’t do it any more. Well, he didn’t do it any less either. I started checking his computer and phone and anything else, but he became smarter and deleted his history after each session so I couldn’t find out. Anyway after catching him on an actual date we separated for a week. He seemed to be sorry and we have a lot of history together so I took him back in and we’d go to marriage counseling together. That was a year ago. 5 weeks ago I found he had a new account and freaked out. I thought we were back on track. I couldn’t be a more loving and supporting wife than I have been, especially the passed year. I am so frustrated, this is NOT okay behavior, and now I read you article. Should I have turned a blind eye? Stuck my head in the sand? I cant imagine that would have helped. For 5 weeks I have done nothing but cry. First out of anger, now for my loss.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      It is almost never the case that a person confronted will react how you think they should. Also, you are in denial about your marriage, or, worse, so unaware of how your husband feels towards you and the marriage. You can save your marriage, probably, but will have to be serious about making the kind of changes that will matter….I think it is well worth your effort!

  51. Monica Reply

    I work out of town alot in a remote work camp with thousands of men. For weeks at a time. My husband is always calling me a whore which i am not. And going on dating sites. Both of us arent ugly and when we have sex its amazing and for days basically. But i always catch him on there. I stop telling i know because we dont get enough time together so the time we do have i dont want to fight. Should i leave him? Also we have 4 kids together

  52. Paul Friedman Post authorReply

    Hi Judy
    My heart goes out to you, but yes…if you were to follow our way it stands the BEST chance of getting your marriage back.
    When men write to me I use a 2×4, don’t worry! But women are not innocent victims in a marriage that is falling apart. Those who wish to save their marriage instead of their ego can do it. But they need much deeper understanding than you can find in an article.

  53. Kaye Reply

    My husband and I are both guilty to an equal extent in damaging our marriage. Me with lies about my sexual past. Him with cruelty about things I did reveal about my past. I didn’t trust him to react in a non hurtful way, but he insisted on knowing every detail while knowing I wasn’t comfortable giving those details. I would reveal and he would attack me at the core of who I am, so I started hiding more. He acted out because he said he couldn’t trust me and continued a text “friendship” with a stranger he met at a bar for months. The same cycle has continued, and now over a year later he is on dating websites as a single man, talking to other women. Trust has been shattered for both of us. I’m willing to let it all go and hold nothing he’s done against him, if he can do the same for me. We have both said, “there is no bad guy here” but he wants to continue talking to women on dating sites while we “See if we can progress through this and if I can prove to him that I’m trustworthy” While maintaining sexual exclusivity. If he is not willing to make an effort to repair the damage we both did without continuing to do things that he knows hurts me, then how can I be all in and trying to repair the damage I’ve done? I see is as a compete disrespect to me and to the women he is communicating with who otherwise probably wouldn’t be wasting their time on someone who isn’t “single”. I’m ready to give up. I don’t feel that he sees that trust isn’t just about revealing things about the past, it’s trusting that your partner will not hurt you or walk away when you do that, and that he broke my trust countless times and continues to do so, without making an effort to show me I can trust him. I really don’t know what to do at this point. I’m ready to just walk away from the negativity. I can’t take it anymore.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The many mistakes you made with each other, from revealing your past, to confrontation, to insisting on going backwards is a horrible and painful cycle. There is a way out, and you indicated one way, but the trouble is there is no way to not get drawn back in unless you know how, and follow steps which cauterizes the wounds and directs you to a positive relationship.
      Obviously I started the foundation because we can help. But in your case your husband must be willing to do more than “wait and see.” To respond to that, which is a “I will have wait it out for what is best for me” deceleration, in any positive way will empower his madness. No, it is best to tell him you are leaving, unless he is willing to recommit to you, and you re-commit to him, AND both of you take our program, and, if he needs, use our counselors.
      Know, for certain, that a commitment without the program is like trying to fly by flapping your arms.
      Marriage is a serious complex entity. You have gotten into this mess because you did not know how to be married, so please don’t imagine you can now get out of the trouble and rebuild without our knowledge.
      I hope you both succeed.

  54. Danielle Reply

    Thank you for your article. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and I recently discovered that he has been on porn/dating sites. I made the mistake of confronting him and he lied about all of it. How do I begin to forgive him and rebuild the trust that I once had when I know that he is being dishonest? How can I believe anything that he says is truthful now that I’ve caught him lying. I love this man and we have 4 going on 5 children. I know that I have been difficult to live with at times and I do want to be a more loving wife. But how do I know what to change when he won’t share his wants/needs with me? He just shuts down and puts up walls whenever I try to talk to him about ways that I can improve. I don’t know if I should give him space or draw nearer to him. He’s currently deployed which makes communication more difficult.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Your desire to learn is half the battle! It is advantageous that your husband is deployed for two reasons. The first is that you can get a 50% discount on our program, as we honor our military in this small way (compared to your sacrifices). The other benefit is that you can work on the program while he is away, and practice what you learn so when he is home he is met with a wife who truly understands his, shall I call it, “limitations”.
      You will learn how to open him up, and how far he will. Men are not going to open up a women do, but that is part of him.
      Many blessings

  55. Effie Reply

    Hello,
    I’ve read a lot of the comments on this site and I’m a little astounded. I am an intelligent, capable and loving woman. I have been with the same man for 8 years, we have a son. I was caring for his ageing mother when we first met. I saw that whole situation through to the end, like a warrior, I was hard working, true and compassionate, with her and the whole family. She eventually passed on. I was ready to live our life, as this was the first time we were free to be a family, she had been living with us during her final years, 3 1/2. Recently I have become ill, I am in menopause and not able to work but I am on welfare and so I contribute. From the first year, unbeknownst to me, he has been prowling. Dating sites, real live women, Facebook flirting, porn, all sorts of different things. This has all been brought to the light of day because my instincts have been on fire all along and I finally gave in and snooped and researched. I am trying to survive and he is working against this. Can you please explain to me why you would suggest that we should tolerate such disloyal behaviours, continue to love and nurture and be steadfast and pretend we don’t know things we do? How is that establishing a relationship based on honesty, the only kind I’m interested in? Why would I want to reward bad behaviour when I am not prepared to do that with my child, whom I love 100 times more than this man? At what stage do we ask someone to take responsibility for their actions and step up and be a man? I am simply not prepared to give up my pride, my self-respect and my dignity. This man has no mental health issues, no addictions, no real pressures, one job. He has no reason to be dishonest. I would be fine if he could tell me why and if he does not see a future, I am more than capable to do without him. But this I will not tolerate, I don’t really care what the experts say. No marriage, no contract, no amount of money would inspire me to remain in an adulterous environment, it’s just not safe or clever. I can appreciate the good work that you do each day. Those that wish to remain in these sorts of marriages are welcomed to them. I am not that sort of creature. I was born to live a life and no man will take that away from me. The worry, the damage it has over time on the self-esteem, the child watching and seeing me worry and be uncomfortable, none of that is necessary. I am Greek, I am strong and I am independent. I am not about to give all that up to make a disloyal guy feel better about himself. Let them play ladies, get out of their way and watch and see what they catch, I guarantee it will not be what they leave behind in most cases. Fools! Apologies but life is way too short to waste on inadequate people, just my humble opinion anyway. Cheers and stay strong and mighty all of you, We run the friggin world, they just think they do…..

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      There are many variables, and we never think that one principle applies to all things. Your “mistake” was in not doing your homework before you agreed to matrimony. Our premarital organization stresses the importance of knowing your fiance very well, so you can make a good decision. But once you are married, unless you are shown some terrible things, you have committed yourself “for better or worse”. Naturally, this is subjective, but when you have children your level of commitment rises to a much higher level, and “terrible things” have to be really bad to consider ending the marriage.
      Remember, all traits are on a scale. But loyalty is not. If your husband has a problem habit, though very destructive, it is still up to you to see your marriage through, and do your best to help him rid himself, and your marriage, of this destructive habit.
      Your idea of “rewarding” is not a marriage type of term, in that context. Your comment about your child also shows that you 1) take things as personal, and 2) that you do not understand that unconditional love means unconditional.
      I suggest you read one of my books, so you can see the deep principles that move marriage and make it what it is, and what you, too, can have.
      Being a warrior is about fighting the inner battles. The outer ones are all ego driven.

  56. Stacy Reply

    I have been in a relationship for 11yrs and now married 2yrs. I just found out now, that my husband has been going on dating sites, porn and other social media using a different name. About two years, I found him on a dating sight before, but I just let it go, because I wasn’t sure if he was forsure in it. I have had instincts throughout the last 4yrs at least that there could be a chance that he is cheating. Well, I’m not really sure what to consider cheating, going on dating sites, to me seems like cheating. Watching porn, bothers me, because he hides it. Going on other social media, using a different name, I mean, really!! I only found some of this stuff out, because he was trying to figure out his password for his email, cause he forgot it, and I helped him the last time get back into his email using a password that I know, so it turned out he was just putting in the wrong password, when I got into his email, there was contacts from the Naughty dating site, social media responses and requests, and other sex driven emails from some other site. I have tried to ignore the fact of this, but its eating me inside and my gut hurts.

    I love my husband so much, he is my soul mate, I don’t want to just give up, at same time, I dont want to stay in a place I am not worthy enough. So I asked him, if he has ever been on this “social media”, he says “NO” why have you? I said no, he says why are you asking, I said I am just wondering. Than he got up a walked out of the room. He came back in after about 5min. So, I told him that I was able to get back into his email for him. Than his tone changed, like he was caught, but was very calm but nervous. I stayed calm, and told him, that I knew he was going on dating sites and other social media using a different name. He tried lying and saying thats weird, wonder how someone could be using my email address. I told him, you know, I am not dumb, you know what you are doing, and you know to me, its cheating, I still kept calm. I wanted to blow up so badly, but I don’t even know what to think or feel. I am mostly hurt, because I feel like I am not worthy enough for him, my self-esteem has been demolished. None-the-less, I left that though in his mind, and continued with our evening together. But as days go by, I still can’t get it out of my head, my heart feels broken, I can’t stop tearing up at any given moment, but I don’t want to leave him, we have two children together, and I really don’t want to give up 11 yrs of being together, but I don’t know how to deal. We’ve had our ups and downs as any couple/married couple has, and we always make it through, but I do now understand why he always accuses me of cheating. I feel so stuck.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You are hurt and angry, but your intuition, well actually it is your subconscious mind, is telling you that there are too many things that don’t add up to as big a deal as your emotions are telling you… and remember, I rely on science, not emotions or trendy judgments!

      Your husband should not have been confronted; so what that he went on sites! You should not have put him on the spot. But you put your love for him second to your own pride and emotional reactions. He did not have an affair, or even physical connection with anyone. He is true to you.

      But, you should take this as a clear indicator that your marriage, as you are participating in it, is lacking for him. You are obviously not fulfilling all his needs, and he cannot tell you what those needs are… and they are not for more sex.
      Take this as a gift from God, that you might choose to learn how to make your marriage very good… or it will remain stagnant.

  57. Stacy Reply

    I actually don’t know if he has had an affair or not, or that he has had any physical connections with anyone else, since he hides everything from me. His phone, I don’t touch because he flips out, he contacts, his facebook, and than of course all the other social media he goes on with a different name. I can only trust that he isn’t having an affair. Yes, my own pride is hurt because, I am the only woman he should be thinking and feeling love and compassion for. Yes, maybe I am lacking on providing something for him, not sure what it is. Maybe its just time. I am a mother of 5, but 3 are still young, two which are his children, but I provide, I was the only working person for almost a year, maybe he just had too much time on his hands. But I did the cooking, cleaning, being there for our children, work full time, all the great stuff, mothers do. Why is it always about the man, why can’t the man appreciate the woman and quite playing victim, what about the womans feelings? If god was a woman, would things be different? Even still, I will try to find out what I am lacking, any suggestions on how I can find this?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I am so glad you replied! The idea that you are judged because you are not “providing for” his needs is not what I implied, but is your defensiveness. Then, after you thought about it a little, you realized that maybe there is “something” here… well, there is!
      Would you feel better if I “took your side”, or if I helped you heal your marriage??
      If you need someone to take your side, and make your husband into a lowlife, as you start to imply, you can hire a psychologist. Or a coach, or talk to a “friend”. Because they profit from joining in with your anger they will happily oblige you. I do not go there!
      If you want to make your marriage wonderful, and I don’t know who doesn’t want that, you can glean through my articles, until you get it, or you can read one of my books, or you can use one of our programs… then you will know!

  58. MR Reply

    Hello! I have been with my husband for over 2 years but we’ve only been married since May of this year. I have known him since high school. We have 2 children(one I had from a previous relationship) and we have one on the way but he doesn’t know yet and what I’m going to type, you’ll hopefully understand why. Before we got married, about 4 months into our relationship it became rocky and we split up a couple times for a week or 2 then about 6 or 7 months into our relationship, I found out he was talking to other women. We split for a couple months but he would always ask to come back. I got pregnant backin November of 2015 and spent most of my pregnancy gping through us separating and getting back together because of his lies and infidelity. I recently found out, back in March of this year, that he has been with men as well, and has been for years. I co fronted him and he denied. I went on a site he was on pretending to be a guy to meet him at a hotel to catch him and it caused us to separate, again, after he realized it was me. A couple weeks went by and he finally confessed to me the truth but not everything. He still continued on with talking to both men AND women. So I stopped talking to him. About a month later, after constant calls and text messages from him to me, I responded. He is in the national guard and leaves 2 weeks out of the year and ask to see our daughter before he left, I agreed. Well, that broke the ice and got us back together. He also confessed, to what I thought, was everything. He also swore he NEVER wanted to go back to that stuff again. We got married in May because I was happy, I thought I got the man I fell in love with back. That didn’t last long. I noticed he was looking up transgender(thats what he likes), on craigslist and backpacks, I asked him about it, he denied it. Then yesterday I saw he was on multiple sites, Craigslist, backpacks, porn and some gay fetish site. He denied it all and he did it again today but I didn’t approach him. I’m at a lost for words and what to do. I see a counselor for myself because of the trauma I went through in my previous relationship, it was extremely abusive and to help me what I go through now but I’m still at a stand still on what to do.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      There are a number of issues here that need to be addressed, as this is not just a husband going on dating sites, but actually (apparently) cheating on you.

      Another issue is that he is super high risk for transmitting diseases. And so I ask you to consider that unless he is willing to address the reality of his infidelity, and do something absolutely tangible about it, you are risking the lives of your children (through extension).

      My suggestion is that you and he take our course, but I will add a caveat; that you both do each others course together. I would hope that by both of you seeing each other’s side, together, you will be able to speak openly about a reasonable future. Anything short of that, including counseling (which is probably useless in this case) I think will be a waste of time.

      I would also step back, but without condemnation. I know it is hard to do that, but if you cannot be compassionate neither can he. And both of you are very closed off from your hearts.

      I hope this helps… I also hope you pray. This is above most of our pay grades, and you could use His help in this.

  59. MR Reply

    Thank you for writing me back. I am aware that I am at risk of catching something from him and risking that on my baby. He is ALSO aware of that too but seems to not care, since I told him over this past weekend that we are pregnant again. It hasn’t stopped him from pursuing others. He is not on that Kik app talking to people and wanting to meet up with them and have an orgy. I’m just completely disgusted and don’t know how to handle this anymore. He knows I have no where to go and have nothing to my name but my mustang which won’t even fit 3 kids in(once I have my 3rd baby). I feel trapped and he continues to lie and tells me, he’s not doing anything and won’t ever do that stuff again but it’s untrue because I have access to his Kik(wbich he doesn’t know) and I made one of my own so I can see what he writes in the groups. I did my research to figure the app out. He doesnt know it’s me but I know it’s him. I would LOVE to take your course but having him willing to take it, is probably a lost cause. I feel I only have 2 options. I just don’t know which way to go. Thank you, again.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I am so sorry you are caught in this situation. If it were possible for us to help you I would bend all of the rules of our organization to do so. But all I can do is pray for you, and ask others to also pray for you; and your husband too, that he wakes up to how much suffering his immoral actions are causing.
      Please know that love for “sinners” is not lost. But sometimes we can only express our love in the form of prayer.

  60. Rose Daymond Reply

    I met my husband while he was still in another relationship and had continued seeing other woman and I thot he would change. Together 7yrs married 6yrs he has continued his cheating addiction with online dating and has had an affair. Over the 7yrs physical violence would shut me up and til this day he denies such doings and says I’m delusional. I struggle to leave him and struggle with self worth. Now that I’ve moved out he’s turned into the angel I first met showering me with gifts and sex all the time. Now that im seeing him regularly his sex drive has slowed down and I’m seeing dating sites again on his fone. We are attending marriage counselling and he looks like he’s the angel denying everything and that he’s loves me. I’m soo stuck finding it hard to move forward alone or as a wife. What do I do.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      If the marriage counseling was working you would know it (occasionally you can find a good one) so I would get out of that right away. You are only “stuck” because you both have set your sights so low. I can tell by what you write. Rather than giving up, I suggest you get our course, and both of you read one of our books (Lessons is an easier read), together, until there is clarity… it will come.
      I wouldn’t give up yet.

  61. Sarah Reply

    Hello Paul,
    My husband and I recently had our 2 year anniversary. We have one child each from different relationships and one together. We had a whirlwind of having a child getting married, moving to a new house and changing jobs. It was a stressful time and first but seemed to get it figured out. With that stress of change we gained some weight. Me mostly. We both started on a diet which he has successfully lost 70 lbs. and I am much slower at 20bs. It’s been a struggle and I feel like I’m struggling to keep up. I recently found out he’s on a dating site. I am absolutely devastated. I know that we have our ups and downs and I try to keep up with his interests and stay interested in what he’s doing. I love him very much. But I get lost in time. Time with kids and work and all the mom duties. We don’t have quality time together and more importantly intimate time as much as we should. I had thoughts of bringing it up but I knew that it wasn’t the right thing to do if I want to save my marriage. I do love him very much. And I think with how hectic our lives are we’ve lost each other. Whether we admit it or not. Things seem to have been really good. We’ve been happy lately so finding this out just blew my mind. I want to work on our marriage and save it because it is still a good one. I can do the things you say like be more loving and care for him and be intimate. Those were all of my first reactions because I know he’s missing something. But as am I. I want to have date nights that I don’t have to ask for. Spontaneous actions that make me feel loved. And have great conversations like we did when we were dating. Communication is a hard thing for me. I often let things go and try not to cause a wake. But this is clearly an issue. How can I discuss these things without him realizing that I know what’s going on? How do I tell him my needs too? Does that sound selfish? I’m feeling so lost

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The things you are doing are well intentioned, and coming from the right place for the most part. I would not imagine you to be particularly “selfish”.
      The problem is more with a lack of understanding of his true needs, rather than the more superficial needs both of you are trying to address in each your own ways. I would normally suggest only reading one of the books for you, because you are so close to having it all work; especially with your exemplary attitude towards him. But, because you have expressed frustration with your dieting I am going to recommend the program; strictly for the SEW technique, because you can use it for your efforts to lose weight, too. Ironically, we have had many women tell us it was useful to them for that.

      Your husband is not going to do what you would hope for if you share your idea of your needs. He, too, would benefit from the program. But I would not push it on him. I would just start it, and let him know how it is working for you (it is definitely a life changer).
      Lastly, congratulations on your efforts!

  62. Sarah Reply

    Although I’m doing my best at keeping a positive attitude and doing what I need to do on the outside, I’m falling apart inside. How do I keep my cool and manage my emotions?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Hi Sarah
      The articles, and even my books, are more for explaining what is going on, and how to approach marriage. The techniques in our program, particularly the SEW technique is nothing short of vital for doing exactly what you ask for. It is not adequately explainable in words, so the course is the best way to go. The program will serve you very well!

  63. Pam J Reply

    My husband and I have been separated just over a year (married just over 2 years) and are going through divorce, he filed in Jan 2017, I got a lawyer and after putting the divorce on hold for many months, now he has hired a lawyer, I think because we are now in the discovery phase. We have dated on and off, gone to marriage clinics, counseling etc during this past year. I love him and believe he loves me, we are older, ages 60 and 63. I had caught him on porn and dating sites several times and we had grown farther apart. I then confronted him last July and he got very verbally and emotionally abusive and passive aggressive, so I left for a few days. When I returned he had changed door locks and was screaming divorce. I tried to return and stay a couple of times during the next month but he kept talking divorce.
    Then he stopped threatening divorce and we dated on and off for the past year. Do you think we have much hope for our marriage
    at this point since we aren’t living together as man and wife any longer?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I think you have hope, but you must do something proactive and do it strongly.
      This was just sent to me from our counselors

      “Well, I have to say that if I hadn’t personally witnessed it for myself, I would not believe it possible. In 4 weeks, my husband has made a complete 180 and recommitted to me on our 12th anniversary yesterday. I told him that 13 is a lucky number and this is going to be the best year yet
      He wants to do the couples program with me and maybe the men’s for himself. We have a long way to go to ensure that current behaviors become permanent habits, but it is definitely all in controlling the mind. I can’t wait to finish the rest of the program and how can I not possibly share this with my friends???!!!”

      The problems you are having are not a typical, but neither of you knew what to do, so bad went to worse. Don’t give up!

  64. Pam J Reply

    Thank you, Paul. Could you please elaborate more on your statement
    “I think you have hope, but you must do something proactive and do it strongly.”

    Thank you in advance.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I mean just that, and the program is as strong as anything there is… you will see. The results will make you happy

      • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

        Dear Birte
        The research you did gave you some bad advice. It is only bad results that comes from confronting your husband.
        You ask about many things, but our approach is to leave the past in the past, and create a future that will bring happiness into your marriage, that is irresistible to your husband… the sex approach is NOT the right way!
        Sex is the denominator for single men, but not for married men.
        Because of your current situation it is necessary for you to start from scratch, and take the program we have. If you wish to begin with one of the books, to get your feet wet with our unique approach, that is fine. But don’t think it will be enough. You need the more guided approach that our program has, or you will get confused about what to do first.
        Your case is very normal to us, and our success with these kinds of cases is very good.
        Stay in touch.

  65. Birte Reply

    Dear Paul,

    I discovered that my husband for 14 years is on multiple dating sites. I also found a link to an email adr I didn’t know he had, so I can only imagine what I will find if I go there.
    I guess it’s worth mentioning that I met my husband using a dating site 16 years ago, and that we have 3 children.

    I have not confronted him with this, I just recently found out, but this is killing me and eating me up inside.
    To make the whole situation even worse, we met in my home country in Europe, while he was living there after his divorce from his ex wife. They have 2 children, so he stayed because of them. She left my husband after she met another man, so my husband knows too well how it feels to be betrayed, especially in a foreign country when family and loved ones are so far away.

    Anyway, we lived in my country for 7 years, and then we decided to move here, to the US. And we are still here, even though I miss home and my family every day.

    I’m a stay at home mom here in the US, taking care of our children and home, so I’m totally depending on my husband. Without him, I will have no place to live, no health insurance, no pension points and no family or friends to lean on, or that is mine and only mine, if you understand what I mean. I feel so lost, and I can’t go on with my life without doing something.
    I tried the past month, from my research, to be very loving and caring, trying to get him to open up, but with no luck.
    He is not interested to be intimacy with me, although I try, and he never turned down an opportunity for intimacy in the past.

    I must do something, cause this is making me so stressed and i feel sick all the time. I can’t think about anything else, and it’s hard to do anything. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat and don’t know how long I can keep this up.
    It’s been a couple of times when I almost packed my bags and left for my home country, but then what? Start all over on my own, with no job, no where to live? So what do I do? I must know what he has been up to, and if my investment in a life together has been wasted or if we even have a common future. If I leave, I will go home and our children will loose contact with their dad, that they love very much.

    Please advise.

    Regards, Desperate

  66. Anonymous Reply

    Dear Paul,

    I have known my husband since we were kids. We both grew up in the same small town and we both always had a crush on each other. I moved away to a nearby town and didn’t see him again til I was 18. Well, when we reunited when I was 18 and he was 21, we started dating. We were together for 13 years, had 3 children, and finally decided to get married. So now we have been married for almost 4 years and we have been together for a total of 17 years. Within the first 14 years of our relationship (even the first year of our marriage) my husband has cheated on me with multiple women. He never held a relationship with any of them. Just basically a lot of one night stands. He hasn’t physically cheated on me for the last two years. BUT, I have recently caught him on dating sites like kik and plenty of fish. Sometimes I catch him on it and other times he comes clean and tells me himself what’s going on. This has been going on and off for the last couple of years. Also, let me state for the record that he is the only man that I have ever slept with. So, when all this happens, my feelings get extremely hurt. I feel like I’m not good enough for him. I love my husband very much and yes I do get mad and yell at him when this goes on. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. My husband tells me that he loves me very much but when he does this, I have a hard time believing him. I feel that if you love someone, you wouldn’t do this to them. I’ve seen the messages that he sends to these women and it hurts me so bad that I put up a wall towards my husband. I put up a wall because every time I forgive him, I always end up getting hurt. So, I am not kind to him and I tend to keep my distance and pull away from him because I cannot get those other women out of my head. And I’m afraid of letting my guard down and getting hurt again. I’m holding grudges deep inside even tho I have forgiven him many many times. Also, I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but he is on disability. He is diagnosed with anxiety, depression, manic depression, and fibromyalgia. He doesn’t work and I have to support our family. This is also stressful. And he is a gambler. He goes to the casino about 3 to 4 times a week. He has told me before that I do not give him enough attention and affection and this is why he does what he does. So he basically blames me for his actions. I’ve tried to be nice but I ultimately end up failing. Lately every little thing he does annoys me and gets me angry. I feel like I don’t get enough help from him and I take it out on him. And to boot, he wants me to quit my job, the main income of the house, because he accuses me of cheating on him and because he wants me to spend more time with him. I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I love him and I’ve been trying to get our relationship to work, but i don’t know if I can ever get past the past. I never ever wanted a divorce because I came from a divorced family and I always wanted my mom and dad together in the same house. They split up when I was 8. He also brings his exes up all the time to me and he likes to rub things in my face. I don’t know if this is a cry for attention of what. He says he likes the compliments that all the women on these websites give him. Thank you for your time and I’d like to see your outlook on this whole situation. Thank you!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      A therapist would have a field day with both of you, and I am so sad for both of you, but refuse to condemn either of you. How dare anyone judge you, or your husband?! Neither of you “planned” to fall into this cycle that keeps dragging you both downwards! But I do hope, and pray, that you are both ready to say “I have had enough!”

      It is not the behaviors that are nearly as crippling as the sense of despair both of you feel, that is so profound.

      Some people have used my book Breaking the Cycle to help themselves individually, because the theme of all my work is focusing on your self. It is possible it may help you as well. Your husband, however, must reach his own point of awakening. Honestly, because you are ready his situation is much worse than yours.

      I hold your family in my prayers

  67. Sugar Daddy Want a Be 's Wife Reply

    Hi, Paul,
    I’m 52 with premenopausal symptoms and no kids of my own. I have 4 grown stepchildren, none living with us, none are self sufficient. I work 30 hour weeks in a professional field and he is retired. I’ve been married for 21 years and was devastated to find “Arrangement Finders” on my husband’s secondary e-mail and many inappropriate texts to numerous young women that he wants to be a “sugar daddy” to. I did not confront him in the last week, but am getting to my doctor tomorrow to deal with the stress of holding this in! I began reading Dr Laura Schlessinger’s book on “Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”, but it is only making things worse in my mind. I’m blaming myself for marrying a man with children, and guilty for the mistrust that I have (because he created it 3 years ago with inappropriate texting to my maid!!!). I don’t feel I’ve neglected him in any way except for choosing “battles” carefully, since I always walk on egg shells with his temper that is gradually getting worse. I’m the one coming home tired after work, to no dinner, no chores done, and I’m the one giving the hug and kiss to him lying in the recliner. I’m the one that is only 10 lb overweight, but he calls me fat, and he is 80 lb overweight, but I don’t pick on him. I’m afraid to talk to anyone about this, especially family and friends. I tried to get into counseling, but appointments are 2 months out! I found your article extremely interesting but I’m afraid the pressure is going to cause me to snap!!!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      We don’t want you to snap!
      I’m glad you read Laura’s book, but for all the things she says that are correct, and there are many, she too misses an important point.

      The marriage is a sacred union, not a material one.

      So, though the things she suggests, which you have tried, will ultimately fail. Because if you’re not connected at the heart, all of the efforts you make will not reach him… the skills you need to develop cannot be conveyed in a letter like this, or an article.

      As to your stress. I’m sorry you are going through this, and I am going to “pitch” you on the SEW technique I developed, because it will work better for you than any counseling you can ever get. I developed this lever to help people control their communications, but it is so much more than that. It is perfect for controlling the emotional waves and negative thoughts.

      So, don’t be alarmed or discouraged. Your husband is almost certainly not going to find anyone, anyway (these sites sell illusion). He is in a bad space, and as you improve you, and your interactions with him, he will get in gear.

      I do hope this helps you. I’m sure if you get the course this will fall away as a bad dream.

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