How You Can Have A Better Marriage

You know what I’m tired of hearing? It’s when married couples ask, “How can we have a better marriage?” That you have already tried everything, but nothing good is happening.

Due to a misunderstanding of marriage, most families are on a roller coaster of ups and downs; a never-ending battle.

And that’s not good.

Marriage should not be an uncertain relationship at all. It is supposed to be the most secure and consistently happy relationship you will ever have. Unfortunately, most people do not even know what marriage is, much less how to have a better marriage.

How You Can Have A Better Marriage


You may have heard the advice of a million people. But there are only three ways you can improve your marriage forever. So check these out:

Stop doing things that make your spouse miserable

Yes, you do!

Most people get used to being harsh and mean or insensitive and rude. We don’t even think twice about shouting out commands or insults. We make all kinds of demands from our spouse that makes them feel used and abused.

Are you thinking about the language you are using with your spouse?

I don’t think so.

Is it “soft and kind” or “coarse and direct”?

If you are like most couples, you have become overly familiar with your spouse, yet still have high expectations. You are probably critical, condemning, and complaining. Nobody does well in that kind of environment. They tend to react in kind, which then makes you cranky, too.

You can have a better marriage if you catch yourself being mean (before you act), and stop those thoughts and feelings before you express them. Many of our clients have told us how much different their lives have become just by controlling their negative communication toward their spouse.

Stop taking your spouse’s words and actions personally

You will be amazed at how reactive your mind can be when you manage your thoughts when triggered. You will see that little things, which really shouldn’t upset you, become huge dramas in your head.

It’s habitual!

Most people become a victim of their mind’s imagined attacks, instead of actual insults.

You can stop it when you pay attention.

Usually, you will begin to notice that your spouse was innocent of any desire to upset you, but was just merely clumsy in their communication.

Why were you so sensitive?

It is up to you to use your judgment to benefit your relationship, and that means being a loving and forgiving spouse, not a reactive enemy.

Consciously say and do things that bring love into your marriage

Think of your marriage as a closed space, only you two are able to enter, and it is a space for creating love, safety, and harmony. It doesn’t just happen, though. You have to fill the space with loving respect, consideration, and adoration.

Too many think it is up to their spouse to act nicely, first, and then they will reciprocate to the best of their abilities. But that kind of thinking is selfish and unworkable. It is up to you to do your part, and up to your spouse to do their part, but neither of you should judge the other or have expectations from the other.

The above are just three suggestions of many that you can do.

But all efforts have to be well planned and diligently executed. You cannot just wish your marriage will improve because it will not. You have to take control over it and do your part.

Your marriage is not a ride at a theme park where you hop on and it takes you to a wonderful place. Marriage is a do-it-yourself vehicle of incredible design that will take you to a life you will always treasure. But you have to put in the effort.

Let’s dig a little deeper.


Is it possible to make your marriage great again?

How do we do it?

I admit I got the question from the recent presidential contest, but I think “make our marriage great again” is better for individual couples to focus on, anyway. After all, it is not in our power to make America great again, but you do have all the power you need for your marriage.

And, Melania has not asked for marriage help from us, and I hope they never need it!

Sadly, many couples reach a tipping point in their marriage, and a recovery is not so easy. Some marriages, especially ones where the wife has left, are more difficult to resuscitate. But think about this, we have also seen marriages where the wife has almost given up hope, started our program, and saved her marriage. There are some indicators, but those are not always reliable.

The marriages that seem to fail usually fall into these categories:

  • The wife has left (husbands don’t always know)
  • There is heavy drug use or alcohol use
  • The couple waited way too long to seek help
  • One of the couple is clinically mentally impaired (don’t trust just anyone for a diagnosis)

Unless your marriage falls into one of the above categories there is a good chance your marriage is more than just salvageable. The chances are pretty good you can actually make our marriage great again.

So bear with me, because I’m going to show you how.


Plan to “make our marriage great again”?

The thing is that your marriage is really important. Failure has a terrible effect on everyone, so you should do everything you can to heal it. DO NOT BUY into anyone’s program for post divorce! There is no real good cure for divorce. Staying together is the best way to avoid traumas.


The First THING TO DO…

…which can work if you like to read and your marriage is not in critical condition, is to get our marriage book.

You will learn so much because they reveal all the common mistakes everyone makes, and you will see how to regain the marriage you had before you started fighting. This is great unless you do not like to read, or your marriage is really fading.

But here’s the thing, if your marriage is in free fall like if you are thinking about divorce, then it is best to get really serious. The answer might surprise you when you use our program! It’s because serious problems require serious solutions.

It sounds simple. But the program isn’t about sharing “gems” or giving you advice.

And by then you’ll have realized that general “advice” never works, because marriage is too complicated. The program is about zeroing in on what works, and why. And taking you step by step through a process that will change your marriage back to the loving sacred space it is meant to be.

You can do this! So, you should try.

Paul Friedman
Paul Friedman
Founder, The Marriage Foundation
Paul devised an entirely new approach to marriage that empowers individuals to finally understand and cultivate expanding happiness and love in their marriages.

He has written two books, produced several video educational programs, regularly speaks on marriage, and founded The Marriage Foundation as a non-profit organization.

Our mission is to end divorce by spreading Paul's revolutionary marriage system around the world. We have helped thousands of individuals and couples for nearly 20 years and in over 45 countries.

4 thoughts on “How You Can Have A Better Marriage

  1. BnJ Reply

    My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have children aged 10 and 7 respectively. We have had so many issues and argued a lot. He doesn’t like to talk nor shares his thoughts or feelings to me. He is emotionally unavailable and always spends most of time playing games on his ipad. I usually feel resentful, cranky, hopeless and hostile towards his behaviours. Every time I bring up these issues, we always end up arguing. Nothing bothers him but I feel so unhappy in this marriage. He said he doesn’t want a divorce but he’s fine to go along with me if I want one. I feel he doesn’t really care either way. The only reason that makes me reluctant to get a divorce is our children. But I keep asking myself if our marriage is really worth saving. We’ve been to marriage counselling a number of times but nothing helps. I read some of your articles that it’s ok for one partner to build the bridge even though the other partner does nothing. I’m already doing it- I keep reaching out to him, I try to fix this marriage on my own, I think and worry about our children, but he doesn’t feel the need to do so. I thought marriage was a shared commitment? Isn’t it selfish if one does everything and the other does very little? He never apologizes for any mistakes he makes, big or small. He never seems to empathizes to how I feel even though I feel hurtful because of his words or actions. He’s cold and detached, sometimes I feel like I don’t know him at all. My irritation has grown to resentment, then anger, and now I think it’s become hate. Are these feelings normal? I keep asking myself if I’ve married the right person for me. Do you think there is still hope to save my marriage?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Bnj
      Yes, marriage is world where two people learn to love unconditionally, creating a heaven on earth. But if neither of you know this, and each of you have expectations of the other, it is not long before you find yourselves battling and trying to win for yourself.
      There are many ways to stop the cycle, and the best way is to stop reacting, altogether. Do not take his insults, whether in the form of ignoring you or yelling at you, personally. Resolve to treat him lovingly and kindly, no matter what.
      Of course you will want to learn about marriage, and learn methods and techniques, so you can change everything, but this is a good start.

  2. julie.m Reply

    I came across you website while looking for marriage advice, it has given me hope!!! thankyou

  3. E.L Reply

    Great article. I thought the writer did a really good job of explaining that your marriage can in fact be restored and that recovery isn’t easy but is possible with a joint effort.

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