A broken marriage is right up there among the top pain producers. So if your marriage is heading in that direction it is time to act, right away.
Most couples put off marriage help thinking that there is nothing they can do, or that things will somehow fix themselves over time. But it is not like that. There is a law of momentum to consider.
If a car starts rolling, and you quickly stick a rock or log under the tire ( I have seen stick their foot under it) the car will stop. But if you are too late the car gets away from you. That is the law of momentum.
When I was a divorce mediator I had finally seen enough. I wanted to help others. I started with one couple, and with their cooperation and patience I was able to finally see just why couples have troubles, and what they can do about it. From them, I went on to gain quite a reputation for really fast, and really solid marriage mediation, instead of divorce mediation. They are still together, and happy.
With a strong conviction that marriage should be happy, not just something you do, I discovered real and scientifically based help; which you can use. Now we have a thorough understanding of marriage, so your family can benefit, and stay together. But not only just stay together. Your marriage can become much better than it ever was. Happiness is what you and your spouse should seek and have. After a few years of helping couples I wrote my first book, Lessons For A Happy Marriage, to help many more couples. That was way back in 2008. Thousands have benefited from it.
You have to be realistic about your marriage. There is not “one problem” that you need to fix. There are all kinds of things going on that should not be going on. And the good things, like connection and true friendship, that are not going on, should be.
Marriage is not supposed to be just another thing. When it is working according to plan, as we lay out in our marriage help program, and in our books, marriage is spectacular! Marriage, when functioning according to what are the natural laws of marriage produces so much happiness you can barely take it at times. But when you have a broken marriage you are only going to have those great feelings accidentally and occasionally. You will not understand what you did that made you happy. Like a kid jumping in behind the wheel of a supercharged car, it will feel great; until it doesn’t; until he hits a tight turn too fast.
Yes, You Can Fix A Broken Marriage
First you have to change your perspective. You have to admit you do not truly know how to be married; that is not easy to do. But when marriage is working according to design, it will not be chaotic or insecure. What is needed is a new look at your marriage. You need to start seeing what works, and doesn’t. Going after this problem, and that one…won’t work.
When you know how to build and sustain your marriage it will be fixed and ALL the troubles will evaporate. The hard part is that when you run into trouble your first reaction is to get out of the trouble you are in. It is an emergency. So people try to get out of the immediate danger. Then, they usually relapse, repeat the cycle a few times and end up divorced. This is where couples counseling fails so many. Most marriage family therapists do not get at the root causes within the marriage. They ask “what is going on”. But what is going on now doesn’t really tell anyone anything. In fact, I have been helping many therapists become true marriage experts, and wrote a special book for them, which anyone can read of course, called Breaking The Cycle. It is more extensive than Lessons For A Happy Marriage, but some people prefer it.
My way is to deal with the emergencies by stopping everything, and while there are no more conflict behaviors distracting you, you learn how to build your marriage the right way. Almost anyone can do this. Those who can go on to have a great marriage. Those who don’t end up divorced.
Truly, the couples who are successful do not know any secrets. They just know marriage is something that has to be approached intelligently and systematically. That is where we come in. The study of marriage is not difficult, but it does take some effort. But I will also tell you this; the effort you make to heal a broken marriage is a lot less than the suffering you will endure if you don’t.