Everyone thinks themselves marriage professionals, just because they passed a test at school. Give a student little education; even if the education is incorrect, and they almost have all the credentials they need to be in business. Not useful for marriages, but legal.
I don’t blame those who study psychology, or even those who teach it. Most are good people, who truly want to help others. But they are learning a form of psychology that does not apply to marriages.
Had I known the above, and known what I know now about marriage, I would still be married to my first wife. But when we had troubles we were misguided to the point of our marriage deteriorating to the point of collapse; as are so many who seek the fake marriage professionals. The final straw for us was exchanging what we didn’t like about how the other treated us. We did it, using “I” statements, following the guidance precisely, and it was exactly what we shouldn’t have done!
The tragedy is the education given to psychologists for marriage is incorrect, and they are not self-correcting….even though they kill more marriages than they save.
When I was a divorce mediator (I wanted to help make divorce “easier” on divorcing families, which I now know is ultimately not illogical) I saw marriages and families dissolve that had no business breaking apart; like yours? Couples suffer in situations they did not understand, so couldn’t fix. I finally had enough, and decided to seriously look into why traditional “marriage help” was ineffective.
My research began with understanding marriage. When I was in high school I learned how a car engine works. From there, it makes diagnostics of problems much simpler; because you know what the right functions look like. In contrast, psychologists who become fake marriage professionals do not have an accurate model of a working marriage as a starting point (most don’t have any model). Understanding marriage is hugely important!
Being an entrepreneur (I started one of the first true natural food stores in the US in the early 70’s, and in the early 80’s I literally created the fresh herb industry) I also have the advantage of how to evaluate and create. So, I did with marriage what a businessman does with a business idea. From scratch, I created a “business plan” for marriage, to achieve the working model. That may sound crazy. especially to a therapist, who thinks the answer to everything is in Western Psychology, but it made perfect sense to me, and to say it works would be an understatement.
This is the first difference is noteworthy, all by itself. I defined marriage , with its universal goals and obstacles, for the sole purpose of creating a pathway to success (which is happiness).
The first question a businessman, or scientist, or mathematician etc. always asks is “why?”. I did the same thing. “Why do people get married?” Not to be confused, BTW, with “why did you want to marry her, or him”, but why get married, at all? You have to ask that question, so you know the goal(s), what you are shooting for.
Did you ask yourself that question? I sure didn’t.
For me it was a slap in the head that I didn’t! Because I always considered myself an intelligent person (except maybe a few times I would rather not talk about) and yet, I never asked that simple question before I got married. But like my friends, and everyone else I ever knew, I just “knew” that you got married. Marriage is so much part of our culture that back in the day we thought of those who don’t tie the knot as somewhat odd. Well, I don’t anymore, but as a kid I did.
So, asking that question was a mild shock. The answer? Well, this took more than a few minutes to discover. I had to really think it through, though it’s actually very simple. But it is not top of mind. And if it is not top of mind while you are married, it is like getting in a Lamborghini and just listening to the music coming out of the radio. You miss the whole point of marriage, and you never get the best benefits of marriage. And worse; you end up wasting and ruining your marriage by doing non-marriage things. You end up in a back hoe in a hole.
This creates the second difference in The Marriage Foundation approach. I use a defined purpose as the underlying reason for all actions that benefit, or hurt, marriage.
There are actually two purposes for marriage. These are top line reasons, but only one is pertinent for marriage building . There are a lot of valid sub-reasons for marriage, too. But these two are universally applicable.
Reason numero uno is that we all crave unconditional love. It is, and you can prove this to yourself the same way I did, which is by asking “would I trade unconditional love for unlimited money”, or for a bigger house, and so forth. You will be done with that challenge when you realize there is NOTHING that compares. Unconditional love is way at the top of any list for any and every sane person. By the way, I explain all of this incontrovertibly in the courses. I arrived at the conclusion by a different path, but “proved” it with comparisons.
- The second purpose for marriage is not as universally applicable. It is more societal than soulful. The second purpose is that when we bring souls into our world there is a great responsibility to do so in a way that prepares them for their future lives. Marriage is an incubator for young lives. So, the second purpose is to create a loving protected environment for children.
Having the true purposes for marriage finally solved, I was finally able (it took weeks to get there) to begin my ‘business plan for marriage’. This was the fun part for me. It is not easy, but it is fun.
You may have noticed I use the word “principle” a lot. That is because principles that are universal, they work every time. While subjective principles are those adopted by individuals (or groups) that work for them. I stick with universal principles, also called spiritual principles, because those are 100% safe. For instance, in my teachings I say you should always express love, a principle, and I give examples. Expressing love is a universal spiritual principle, because it opens a channel within you for the love to flow, and feel. However, how you choose to express love is conditional. If your husband or wife hates to be touched when they are doing something you need to find a different way. This is the difference, and our difference, too.
The third difference in The Marriage Foundation approach. We share the universal spiritual principles that must become the basis for all your actions to create a successful marriage.
Unconditional love! If ever there was a spiritual principle, unconditional love is the definition of one thing that defines our true selves; which is our soul. Which, not coincidentally, completely leaves the realms of Western Psychology in the dust. Which is why, or one of the primary reasons why, psychological marriage counseling cannot work for marriage. Western Psychology, which is exactly what nearly everyone else uses as their “marriage help” just does nothing for couples who seek the ultimate goals of marriage. Which is another difference.
The fourth difference in The Marriage Foundation approach. Our teachings are not based in Western Psychological tenets. I show you how to control your psychology to benefit your marriage.
The other basis for most “marriage help”, which is a ‘qualified’ better way, is religion. Religion is useful for gaining morality, and helping you connect with God. But those who study religion rarely study marriage, not with the same intensity I did. After all, those who respond to a calling are more focused on God, and serving their fellow man (and woman) to help them with their doctrines. But I discovered some things about marriage, that blows away the pastors and ministers (of all faiths).
Correct application of marriage principles are the exact same principles used by true seekers, and deliver the exact same thing; unconditional love! This is another difference.
The fifth difference in The Marriage Foundation approach. We show how your marriage and spiritual life are seamlessly intertwined, which creates joy no matter what you are doing.
You have to admit, the idea of actually achieving unconditional love is pretty cool. I know there are a lot of people who will say “I just want a good family”, or “I just want ‘peace’ and a good sex life”, but if you think about it, unconditional love, which all of us have felt at one time or another, is so much bigger! And, you can have it all the time. Yes, ALL the time!
But the above isn’t enough. What I soon discovered is the kick in the pants. No matter how well you get something intellectually, no matter how moral you want to be, no matter how well you “get it”, the mind is literally controlled by habits. So even if you agree with principles like “always say nice things”, if it wasn’t already a habit you wouldn’t last a week, tops!
The biggest killer of happiness, I realized, in all aspects of our lives, not just in our marriage, are the habits that run deep in our minds. So, I created a technique, a revolutionary system, that is impossible to screw up, once you get on it. I call it the SEW technique, and I’m not going to give it to you here because when I first gave it out I saw that nobody used it. It sounds good, it works, but unless I give it to you in a process I developed later, you will not use it; trust me! And this is the final difference I am going to share with you.
The sixth, and most important difference in The Marriage Foundation approach. The SEW technique is our greatest and most incredible difference. Nobody else has it, and cannot ever have it, because it is legally protected. It gives you control over all your actions, of thought, speech, and motion.
I can go on and on about its usefulness, but just let me say this; without this technique I have no idea how any marriage can succeed.
Okay, that’s about it. We are so different, and so much better than any other marriage help that if nothing else worked for you chances are our program will work for you.