Divorce and adultery don’t necessarily go together. Very few people actually divorce due to adultery. Of course, it’s difficult to track the statistics since the advent of uncontested divorce. But anyone involved in the divorce system will tell you most people can get beyond adultery.
I need to clarify something: It is very different when a man cheats on his wife, than when a woman cheats on her husband. Surprisingly to some, it is not because of the man’s attitude toward women who cheat. Rather, it is because when a woman cheats, it is generally an affair of the heart. Men rarely “cheat,” looking for a way out. They just don’t think things through.
Usually, women who have an affair have left their husbands in spirit, long before they have cheated. It is not that a man wouldn’t forgive his wife in order to win her back; in most cases he would, if given the chance. Only most women won’t go back because they have already attached themselves to someone else.
For instance, I had a man call me to consult with him and his wife. His wife had been in an affair for nine months, and he had just found out. He was desperate to win her back in spite of his intense pain and humiliation.
At first I wouldn’t do it because she was not willing to call me. Obviously she had no desire to be back with him, and thought she and her children would do just as well with the new man in her life. However, I did call her when her husband told me she would take my call and listen.
She was very reasonable, with no kind words to say about her husband, but was willing to meet anyway. My goal was to try to uncomplicate this family’s life. There was no question in my mind whatsoever that the children would be better off if their parents could work through their problems, learn what it takes to have a good marriage, and get on happily with their lives.
When I met with them together, it was very clear to me they could succeed. They just didn’t know how to be married. The realization of harming her children if she moved on convinced her to try making it work with her husband. I shared the statistics.
Unfortunately, I made a huge mistake; a mistake I have never repeated. I advised her to seek the help of one of the most successful child psychologists in her city to help their children. But, when she met with him, he told her she should leave her husband. He encouraged her to start a new life with the man she was having an affair with. I didn’t realize he was “modern” in his thinking. His “go with the flow” approach destroyed two families: hers and the man who left his spouse. Years later I heard nobody did well, which was expected.
By the time somebody strays, and in no way do I condone having an affair, it is because that person is feeling tortured. The right thing to do is to start behaving in a way that will get your spouse back.
The cheating spouse knows their actions are wrong and have rationalized themselves out of the reach of their own guilt. They are hurting. Your greatest effort should neither be put into condemning them nor blaming yourself, but should be put into learning how to live and behave properly in a marriage.
An adulterous spouse is a temporary condition that will appear only as a bump in the road when:
- You focus your attention on creating the best possible marriage.
- You do not blame or condemn.
- You don’t give up!
But don’t imagine things will work out on their own. The above will work, but you must make changes that will make a difference. You can save your marriage…but does this work for everyone? No, of course not! But you have to try making changes to become more respectful and kinder, regardless of what happens.
If you are a husband, you have the right to know when a wife is adulterous, often the chances for recovery are quite slim. If you are a wife, the opposite is true. Most women are able to win their men back. It is not always easy, but it is more common. Divorce and adultery do not have to go hand in hand. As long as you make the effort and give the solutions a shot, chances are you will be happier with your spouse.