Men, use this to guide you through various circumstances. Contact us if you have questions about your specific situation.
Has Your Wife Left For Another (Or Is About To)?
There are no absolutes, however the reality is that 99% of the time when a woman leaves for someone else she has already shifted her heart away from you and the chances for reconciliation are very slim to non existent. Occasionally a woman will leave when she is distraught and meets someone that day, in which case there might be hope. Otherwise, your focus needs to be on your children, and making sure you can diplomatically handle the storm that is yet to hit.
Does Your Wife Want a Divorce?
50/50 ...Some women have it all planned out and there will be no stopping the train. It already left the station, and you cannot be sure. The best you can do is brace yourself, just in case. The odds of your staying out of the firestorm if she is truly "gone" already are not good. Most men react in ways they later regret, no matter how many people tell them to behave nobly.
Other women ask for a divorce to tell their husbands they are not being good to them. In these cases the man needs to stop himself from getting defensive and reactive, or it will be all over; even if things settle down for a time. This is a warning that not many men get, and fewer heed.
The wise man, who heeds this warning does the following
- Signs up for our most intense program, and puts serious effort into it.
- Starts seriously listening to his wife, stopping all selfishness, stops arguing, and treats her like an angel; no matter what.
- Puts huge attention on being a great, not just good, father.
- Tells his wife what he is doing (the above), and prays it is not too late.
Is Your Wife Driving You To Want To Leave (Or Have an Affair)?
These are the easiest to fix; but you have to read. If you are not a good reader you can read Lessons For a Happy Marriage. It is easy reading, clear, concise and you will get it. If you are a big time reader then you can read Breaking The Cycle, which goes into great depth.Engineer types like it because the science is so cool. If you hate reading than you will have to spend the bucks on the full program; which is too bad because you will have to deal with a lot more than if you just read a book.
Did Your Wife Catch You...?
Why are you married? Marriage is an amazing thing that most people do not have any idea about the benefits that can be enjoyed; when you know how to be married, and why you got married in the first place.
Now is a good time to shift into a real marriage by learning what a real marriage is. Get a hold of one of the books we have (above), or if you were caught cheating on her, you need to immerse yourself into the whole program, so you do not end up divorced. Think of your kids! They do not need to be harmed by divorce, and it is on you to keep things together.
Most men kill their marriage by using their male power against their wives. If you hired a bodyguard and he waved his gun at you, even jokingly, you would fire him. Women marry their men for protection. Do NOT growl, snap, use a loud voice, yell, hit, or do anything that expresses your male power. If you do, you're blowing it; period.
When you learn what works in marriage, and why, through the right kind of education, you will be fine. Most people, after experiencing the complexities of marriage for a while, think they know enough about marriage. They think, "Oh, I just need a tip or two to get through this issue and then I'll be fine." But when a tip or two doesn't work, they start blaming outer circumstances or their "crazy" wife. Learning marriage through trial and error is torture, plagued with stress and turmoil.
Marriage is a scientific construct, you'll know what your actual options are and what you should do without someone instructing you through each little issue when you study it.
Happiness in Marriage is "Normal"
Everyone knows intuitively that marriage grants couples the opportunity for unlimited happiness. But you need to understand how to gain that happiness, by doing what works and avoiding the obstacles to happiness.
If you got behind the wheel of a Maserati, you would know how to drive it, even if you had never driven a sports car before. You understand what the gauges mean and how to work the wheel and pedals. This understanding allows you to enjoy the car without worrying about blowing it up or hitting a tree. At worst, you might have to experiment with some of the switches to see what they do. But there is no mystery.
It's the same for marriage. Once you understand it, you can enjoy it. The problems come when you have no realistic conceptions about marriage. If you are not happily married, it is because you are not working it right.
Most women want to have sex more often than their husbands think (though not as often as the male body craves), but if it has become a "chore," it is not her fault. All men think they are great lovers, but how would you really know if you are? Very few wives come clean in this department. If you do not understand why they are not honest, you need to learn more about women, which is well-covered in our material.
Men, almost universally, don't understand what women actually want and need. Sincere study on your part can help quite a bit. Just don't use porn for study, as this is far removed from lovemaking.
Concisely, most women usually need the following:
- Good hygiene
- Long, connected discussions - meaning you actively listen
- Lots of admiration
- Loving and sincere attention
- Listening beyond the spoken word
- Sincere compliments
- Slow, considerate, and pleasurable lovemaking
The following will absolutely reduce your wife's desire for sex:
- Complaining (e.g. that you don't get enough)
- The slightest hint that her body is not perfect
- Comparing her with other women
- Minimizing her efforts to please you
Women are not driven by their biology to the same goals of release as men. They rarely feel like "getting off."
Hollywood portrayals of women craving sex the same way as men are total nonsense. There are some women like that, but it is rare. There is more to sex in marriage than the fleeting entertainment or release it provides. You will have a happier life if you learn. The way to bring your lovemaking to a higher level is to include your heart, which just happens to be more natural for your wife.
Learning how to make love is like learning how to fly a fighter jet. There is nothing like it once you get going, but it requires a lot of knowledge that doesn't immediately seem apparent.
We started The Marriage Foundation to save children from their parents' divorcing. The secret we discovered is that you do not have to be a martyr. You can learn about marriage and create an extraordinary family life. In fact, it is a much easier route to take by using our discoveries and systematized processes.
The comparatively little effort to learn about marriage, even when you are in the middle of it, is nothing compared to the lifetime of suffering caused by divorce.
Psychotropic Drugs, Alcohol and Pot
The overuse of medication in our society is real, but it is the only viable alternative for many people. Never put down her choice to use what the doctors prescribe. Think of meds as a temporary crutch she needs while she learns how to gain control over her emotions.
Pot and alcohol are different, as they undermine will-power, putting all growth on hold. The right approach is as a friend who encourages without judgment. Be supportive; she is your chosen best friend and companion. She needs a shoulder to lean on, not a drill sergeant forcing her to do what is currently unmanageable.
One Man's Story
Listen to Jerry's testimony below. Hearing his story is well worth your time.
How We Can Help You
The Marriage Foundation systematized the scientific principles of marriage, so anyone can grasp the goals, obstacles, and methods to achieve happiness. It isn't rocket science, but it is more complex than a few pithy sayings can express.
We take pride in keeping our approach simple, doable, and financially accessible. We have broken down our instruction into courses that cover various parts of your relationship, to be studied as needed.
We Can Help Your Marriage Through
- Educational books and courses
- Email support from a counselor
- One-on-one counseling (phone and in-person)
Our books and courses provide marriage education. Taking the courses is the most useful action you will ever take. They will help you realize how marriage works. You will understand why your marriage went sideways and will have the opportunity to improve your life in definite ways.
TMF Certified Counselors are available by email for free. They will help you focus your efforts and provide feedback on how you are doing. A counselor will help you begin, walk you through the process, and be available for you if you have questions.
Lessons for a Happy Marriage is the first book written by our founder, Paul Friedman. It is an easy read that covers the 3 Killers of Marriage and the critical topics necessary for creating a happy marriage. The book can stand on its own, but is best used along with the program.
Breaking The Cycle is the book we use to train our certified counselor. It is our marriage manual that provides very detailed explanations of the science of marriage. For those who want a deeper understanding of marriage, pick up this book as your textbook to study along with the program.
Our Marriage Help Program is designed to help those struggling in their marriage. You can stop fighting today. You can start healing your marriage today. Once you understand how marriage works, you'll be able to avoid the pitfalls and nurture an incredible relationship.
You still can have an amazing marriage. We see it over and over with our clients from all walks of life.