Frequently Asked Questions From Men
These questions will guide you through common scenarios and what to do about them. If you have questions not covered here, ask our counselors about your specific situation.
Has Your Wife Left For Another (Or Is About To)?
There are no absolutes, however the reality is that 99% of the time when a woman leaves for someone else, she has already shifted her heart away from you. Unfortunately, this means the chances of reconciliation are very slim to non-existent.
Occasionally a woman will leave when she is distraught and meets someone that day, in which case there might be hope. Otherwise, your focus needs to be on your children, and making sure you can diplomatically handle the storm that is yet to hit.
The more defensive or reactive you are, the worse things will be. You could get one of our books or our TMF Marriage System video course to learn where you went wrong, how to stop reacting when she pushes your buttons, and how to behave to minimize the damage. But we would not be honest if we told you there was much hope at this point.
Does Your Wife Want a Divorce?
Recovery in this case is 50/50. Some women have it all planned out. The train has already left the station and there is no stopping it. The best you can do is brace yourself, just in case. The odds of your staying out of the firestorm if she is truly "gone" already are not good. Most men react in ways they later regret, no matter how many people tell them to behave nobly.
Other women ask for a divorce to let their husbands know they are not being good to them. In these cases, the man needs to stop himself from getting defensive and reactive, or it will be over; even if things settle down for a time. This is a warning that not many men get, and fewer heed.
If you are wise, you'll heed this warning and do the following:
- Sign up for our men's TMF Marriage System video course and put serious effort into it.
- Start seriously listening to your wife, stop all selfishness, stop arguing, and treat her like an angel; no matter what.
- Put a huge amount of attention on being a great father, not just a good one.
- Tell your wife that you are doing the above, but without trying to get her to do or change anything, including taking the women's course or reading our books.
- Pray that it's not too late.
Is Your Wife Driving You To Leave (Or Have An Affair)?
This is the easiest to fix; but you'll have to read one of our books, at least, or study our full TMF Marriage System video course. There are things you need to learn about yourself and your wife that will help you understand and deal with her behavior and yours. Without this core knowledge, you are simply a victim of your own biological and mental responses.
Once you understand what drives you and your wife, what behaviors are destructive to your marriage, and what is beneficial, and what the benefits are for making changes, things will turn around. Your behavior and perspective will shift in ways that will have an impact on both of you and you won't want to call it quits.
Did Your Wife Catch You With Porn, Dating Sites or Cheating?
Ask yourself, why are you married? These issues are a big deal for her, and if they persist, you could end up divorced. Think of your kids! They do not need to be harmed by divorce, and it is on you to keep things together.
Marriage is an amazing thing, and most people have no idea about the benefits that can be enjoyed when you know how to be married, and why you got married in the first place. When your marriage is amazing, you won't want to look elsewhere, but your marriage won't become amazing by itself.
Now is a good time to shift into a real marriage by learning what a real marriage is. Get a hold of one of our books, or if you were caught cheating on her, you need to immerse yourself in the TMF Marriage System video course.
Do You Yell At Your Wife (Or Worse)?
Most men kill their marriage by using their masculine power against their wives.
If you hired a bodyguard and he waved his gun at you, even jokingly, you would fire him. Women marry their men for protection. Do NOT growl, snap, use a loud voice, yell, hit, or do anything that expresses your male power. If you do, you are blowing it; period.
Even if your wife is "crazy," nags at you constantly, escalates arguments, or picks fights; if she successfully pushes your buttons until you blow up at her, it becomes your problem. Your anger eclipses any thought of peace, love and happiness. Why would you want that?
The best path for both of you is to learn how to disable your buttons, how to not be a victim to anger, how to eliminate any reactive or defensive behavior. You need to learn about marriage, about your wife, but mostly about your mind and how to change your habits and responses.
The very first lessons in our TMF Marriage System video course will teach you a simple technique that will start giving you control over your reactive tendencies right away. First you'll learn to not say things you'll regret later. With practice, eventually you'll stop even the anger from rising up.
Stop using trial and error in your marriage. That path is plagued with stress and turmoil. Get a handle on your anger quickly and improve every other aspect of your marriage with the systematized process in our video course.
Is Your Marriage Happy?
Though it is uncommon these days, having a happy marriage is "normal."
Everyone knows intuitively that marriage grants couples the opportunity for unlimited happiness. But you need to understand how to gain that happiness, by doing what works and avoiding the obstacles to happiness.
If you got behind the wheel of a Maserati, you would know how to drive it, even if you had never driven a sports car before. You understand what the gauges mean and how to work the wheel and pedals. This understanding allows you to enjoy the car without worrying about blowing it up or hitting a tree. At worst, you might have to experiment with some of the switches to see what they do. But there is no mystery.
It's the same for marriage. Once you understand it, you can enjoy it. The problems come when you have no realistic conceptions about marriage. If you are not happily married, it is because you are not operating it correctly.
How Is Your Sex Life?
Most women want to have sex more often than their husbands think (though not as often as the male body craves), but if it has become a "chore," it is not her fault. All men think they are great lovers, but how would you really know if you are? Very few wives come clean in this department. If you do not understand why they are not honest, you need to learn more about women, which is well-covered in our books and courses.
Almost universally, men don't understand what women actually want and need. Sincere study on your part can help quite a bit. Just don't use porn for study, as this is far removed from lovemaking.
Concisely, most women usually need the following:
- Good hygiene
- Long, connected discussions - meaning you actively listen
- Lots of admiration
- Loving and sincere attention
- Listening beyond the spoken word
- Sincere compliments
- Slow, considerate, and pleasurable lovemaking
The following will absolutely reduce your wife's desire for sex:
- Complaining (e.g. that you don't get enough)
- The slightest hint that her body is not perfect
- Comparing her with other women
- Minimizing her efforts to please you
Women are not driven by their biology to the same goals of release as men. They rarely feel like "getting off."
Hollywood portrayals of women craving sex the same way as men are total nonsense. There are some women like that, but it is rare. There is more to sex in marriage than the fleeting entertainment or release it provides. You will have a happier life if you learn about marriage and intimacy. The way to bring your lovemaking to a higher level is to include your heart, which just happens to be more natural for your wife.
Learning how to make love is like learning how to fly a fighter jet. There is nothing like it once you get going, but it requires a lot of knowledge that doesn't immediately seem apparent.
How Is Your Relationship With Your Kids?
We started The Marriage Foundation to save children from their parents' divorcing. The number one things kids need is a happy, loving family life. If you get along well with your spouse, your kids will be taken care of.
Even when you are in the middle of marriage troubles, the relatively little effort required to learn about marriage and fix yours is nothing compared to the lifetime of suffering caused by divorce, on top of the traumatic effects it will have on your children.
You can learn about marriage and create an extraordinary family life. In fact, the easiest route is to use our discoveries and systematized processes in our books or our TMF Marriage System video course.
Does Your Wife Use Drugs Or Alcohol?
The overuse of medication in our society is real, but it is the only viable alternative for many people. Never put down her choice to use what the doctors prescribe. Think of meds as a temporary crutch she needs while she learns how to gain control over her emotions.
Pot and alcohol are different, as they undermine will-power, putting all growth on hold. The right approach for you to take is as a friend who encourages without judgment. Be supportive; she is your chosen best friend and companion. She needs a shoulder to lean on, not a drill sergeant forcing her to do what is currently unmanageable.
You Should Listen To This Man's Story
Listen to Jerry's testimony below. Hearing his story is well worth your time.
How The Marriage Foundation Can Help You
We view marriage as the most extraordinary thing one can do in life. Like anything else, knowing what to do makes all the difference.
If anyone can help you, there is no question that our marriage system can. Unlike most solutions, ours is unconditionally guaranteed. So even if your situation is too far gone, you can still safely give it a shot.
We believe your marriage will never change until your perspectives, attitudes, behaviors, and habits change. And those won't change those until you understand why you should change, how to change, and what you should change to.
So our approach is to empower you with an education. Once you are aware of a destructive habit, you'll start seeing the negative impact on your spouse and marriage, then it becomes much easier to change it. Once you know what your spouse needs, it becomes much easier to enrich your marriage simply by providing it.
Our founder, Paul Friedman, developed his marriage system by personally working with hundreds of clients beginning in 2003. He has been refining it ever since. Paul's system has three phases:
- We help you get your mind under control. This has to be done! Anger, emotions, habits, reactive words and behavior; everything must be brought into control otherwise you'll never find peace and harmony in your marriage. Little triggers like when your partner leaves the cap off the toothpaste, or in unintentionally rude will continue to eat at your peace and build into resentment. These skills are essential, and life changing. Your marriage (and whole life) will start improving almost immediately.
- We identify what destroys marriage and what builds it up again. Obviously being rude or being loving are on these lists. However there are many commonly accepted behaviors that need to be identified and understood. For instance venting and criticism are commonly accepted (they're on all family TV sitcoms), but they are very destructive. By the end of this section, you will understand why certain behaviors are destructive or beneficial so you will always be on the right path.
- We show you how to take your marriage to the stars! We do not believe in settling for a mundane marriage. You can, and should, have the best marriage ever. You learn about increasing intimacy, the unique natures of you and your spouse, and where your children fit in your new marriage. We show you how to make your marriage get better every day, even years later
The marriage system Paul taught to his personal clients has been recorded so you can also learn one-on-one from him through online videos. To support your learning, the marriage system also comes with access to email our TMF certified counselors who can answer any questions you have.
If you'd like to get your feet wet with our principles, check out one of Paul's books in the menu above. However the fastest way to start improving your marriage is to sign up for our TMF Marriage System today.
If you're not sure where your situation is at, or would like more reassurance, feel free to ask our counselors about your situation. They'll help you see things from a new perspective and give you guidance based on the positive principles we teach.
Real marriage success comes from knowledge about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. We see it happen over and over with our clients, from all walks of life. You can and should have an amazing marriage.