Let me first say don't be overly concerned. Shows like Dr. Phil are meant to entertain you with high drama; they don't show the usual problems. Most things can be solved quickly and easily!
Effective solutions are what we do all day. We will help you when you write to us . A TMF certified counselor will get right back to you; it is free.
Remember, the truths about marriage are all positive.
- When you know how, marriage is the most wonderful part of life.
- Marriage, like life, is constantly changing. You can roll with the changes, resist, or create positive change.
- Very few marital problems, by themselves, ruin marriages. You can turn the smallest problems into marriage killers by simply not knowing what to do. So let us help you.
A certified TMF counselor will make suggestions, free of charge. There are also free articles and inexpensive books. For deeper problems, like if your marriage needs a re-boot, we have guaranteed programs which guarantee positive results. These are less costly than traditional marriage counseling.
What should I do if I caught my husband cheating?
A- You may not want to behave "lovingly" right now, but demonstrating your hurt and anger will harm you both.
If your husband cheated, regardless of the form it took, i.e. a fling, porn, an affair, etc., it is because of weaknesses on his part. Ending a marriage because of cheating, even serial cheating, is the wrong reaction.
Here are the key things to consider:
- Remove the idea of divorce from your options. No matter what form of cheating took place, no matter how often he did this, and no matter how deep his habit, choose to stay with him (there are a few exceptions, but they are rare). Holding divorce over both of your heads is going to further erode your marriage. Choose to "get through this".
- Do not punish him. Punishment does not heal, nor does it inspire the kind of changes you want.
- Don't take his cheating personally. A man's cheating is dumb and destructive, but it isn't intended to inflict pain on you.
- Don't tell anyone. Your marriage is private. You can get past this, but telling people will both deepen the hurt and drag it out.
- Focus your attention on rebuilding your marriage. All you can effectively work on is the future, so learn how to create a vision of a happy marriage to guide you.
- Avoid dwelling on his errors. The right use of memory is to learn from our mistakes, not to relive the painful experiences that do not exist anymore.
You can help mitigate his desires to cheat only with actions based in love and forgiveness. His cheating is a form of him running away from himself. Manifesting more love (not to be confused with sex) will attract him to you, rather than push him away, and strengthen the connection in your marriage.
What will fail you both are expectations, reminders of his errors, and other criticisms. Learn to rise above your pain, and show him how amazing you are.
How do I get my husband to recognize our marriage is on the rocks?
If your marriage is a struggle, he knows it, too. Men are less apt to say anything, but when they are ready to leave, they start complaining, cheating, or finding other things to do when they should be with you.
Marriage is governed by the laws of cause and effect. You can improve your marriage by the right marriage-building steps, including developing the right attitude of selflessness, a primary key to happiness. Don't bring it up. Work on your marriage by working on your love, compassion, and understanding towards him. If you are sincere in trying to express unconditional love he will respond in his own way. Ignore the philosophies of "fairness" which never helps a marriage.
How do I get my husband to go to marriage counseling?
Marriage counseling is usually a negative, and thus destructive approach to a difficult marriage because most traditional marriage counseling focuses on addressing the current problems, rather than quality "how to be married" instruction. People who make it through marriage counseling almost always run into the same problems over and over; they just look different. For that, and other reasons, we don't recommend it. Couples heal their marriage through individual effort. Reading one of our books is helpful. But if things have not improved through your new knowledge, reach out to us for suggestions; maybe you just need a little direction (we give it freely). Sometimes, not often, taking the marriage help program, alone, is the best answer. Very few marriages fail when the wife is determined to improve her end of things.
What happens to children after a divorce?
If you read the statistics, you may literally cry, and probably prefer to live a tortured existence until your kids are grown. We don't want you to suffer thus. Your marriage can, and so, should, be joyous.
Too many professionals do not know how to create a great marriage so they rationalize that the kids will be okay in order to cover up for, perhaps, their own divorce; but those are deadly lies. The alternative to throwing your kids under the bus is to learn what you need to know to succeed in your marriage; solve it all.
Imagine a child going to a hostile planet with two bodyguards. You and your husband are your children's bodyguards. But then the bodyguards start fighting each other, using all their effort to hurt and defy each other. What do you think will happen to your kids? Statistics demonstrate your kids will be in much more trouble than you and your husband can ever imagine.
No need to roll the dice with your children's lives. Learn how to be happily married. It is the most practical thing to do. The effort required to learn and change is nothing compared to the efforts you will make, and the suffering you endure, if you choose divorce. Don't give up!
Can I heal our marriage by myself?
It is unreasonable to think both of you will see the same things, evaluate things the same way, or make an effort the same way at the same time. People, as individuals, experience life individually. Marriage is an individual pursuit you do together.
You have an advantage. You see the need for a greater effort right now. You are motivated. So run with it, and don't expect your husband to join in yet. But when he sees your efforts and changes, he will likely start to do his part, too.
Marriage is a bridge connecting two souls. If you were on opposite shores and just one of you did most of the building, the bridge would still get built. That is the way it is with marriage. It is always an unequal effort, but it doesn't matter. Do your part, and grow your connection. That is what is important.
Can The Marriage Foundation help us?
Our knowledge base is scientific, exact, and complete. Our systematized marriage system is effective, except in completely deteriorated situations. If you tell one of our counselors what is going on they will be honest with you.
Our approach is simple, yet complete. We show you what works, help you put it into practice, and encourage you when you hit the rough patches. We do not give up on you.
Where should I start?
No matter where you begin your studies, you will find your own comfort. Some women have relied on our first book, Lessons for a Happy Marriage, and got everything they needed. Some chose our more detailed marriage manual, Breaking the Cycle. Others have signed up for our programs to get a more thorough understanding of their marriages. Finally, some have utilized one of our TMF experts to help them get through more difficult hurdles. We suggest you choose with your feelings, trusting your own intuition and inner guidance. You can also sign up on our mailing list to read about the experiences of others.
Marriage is not supposed to hurt nor be a struggle. Let us show you how you can have what you want. You will experience progress right away, and you will see for yourself that our way works well.
Should I get individual counseling, or use the program?
We can help you improve your marriage through educational books and programs and email support from a coach.
Our books and programs provide marriage education. Taking the program is the most useful action you will ever take. They will help you realize how marriage works. You will understand why your marriage went sideways and will have the opportunity to improve your life in definite ways.
TMF Certified Counselors are available by email to support those studying our books and program. They will help you focus your efforts and provide feedback on how you are doing. A coach will help you begin, walk you through the process, and be available for you if you have questions.
What's the difference between the books and the marriage program?
Lessons for a Happy Marriage is the first book written by our founder, Paul Friedman. It is an easy read that covers the 3 Killers of Marriage and the critical topics necessary for creating a happy marriage. The book can stand on its own, but is best used along with the program.
Breaking The Cycle is the book we use to train our certified coaches. It is our marriage manual that provides very detailed explanations of the science of marriage. For those who want a deeper understanding of marriage, pick up this book as your textbook to study along with the program.
Our Marriage Help Program is designed to help those struggling in their marriage. You can stop fighting today. You can start healing your marriage today. Once you understand how marriage works, you'll be able to avoid the pitfalls and nurture an incredible relationship.
We simplify the principles that make marriage harmonious. The program covers methods to calm the mind and emotions, to stop fighting, and to connect with your spouse. The visual diagrams and explanations show you how fights work, how the body and mind work against you in marriage, the relationship of the body, mind, and soul, and how to use this knowledge to bring joy and love back into your marriage.
This comprehensive program includes video and written instruction. It is appropriate for newlyweds getting through the tough beginning, or established marriages with tension that has built up over decades.
The principles of marriage are the same, and the causes of frustration are the same, regardless of how long you have been married. In order to have an amazing marriage, you must stop tension and fighting, and learn how to build your relationship from the foundation up.
You can have an amazing marriage. We see it over and over with our clients from all walks of life.
Real marriage success comes from knowledge about self, your spouse, and the three relationships each of us try to perfect within our marriage.