Simple, Doable, And Effective Step To Rebuild A Marriage

Whether you want to cook a great dinner, start a business, or rebuild a marriage, the best way to achieve success is to “plan your work and work your plan.” When you plan your marital fix in steps, you can stay focused and be confident the results of each step will bring you closer to the finish line of a happy marriage.

If the steps you come up with are too complicated, you will not be successful. Each step needs to be simple, and you should feel comfortable that you can definitely do each step. They also need to be something you do independently of your spouse.

Simple, Doable, And Effective Step To Rebuild A Marriage

A step like this is ideal: “I will start keeping my mouth closed when I want to say something critical.”

By keeping your steps simple and doable your marriage will incrementally improve. If they are too complicated, break them down into even smaller steps you can achieve.

Choose steps with specific, crystal-clear results. Steps with vague results like, “I will be friendlier to my spouse,” are too difficult to keep track of. You will surely get discouraged if you do not see clear progress. Then you will give up and that is the last thing you want to do.

The first step is to stop arguing with your spouse. This is the first thing I always recommend to people because it is simple, doable, and effective. It will dramatically reduce tension.

How To Stop Arguing With Your Spouse

The easiest way to stop fighting is to make a vow to yourself that you will not say anything that will begin a fight, nor encourage a fight your spouse starts by reacting. Remember that nobody wins a fight in a family. Everyone loses! So vow to the above, and you will see the difference very quickly.

You have all the WON’T power you need for this step. Teeth are more than tools for chewing. They are gates. Tell yourself, “I won’t allow an argumentative word to pass my teeth.”

No matter what emotions are clobbering you, no matter how “important” it feels to be heard or get it out, it is far better to resolve your anxieties in your own mind than blurt out a defensive reaction.

All arguments are destructive. By refusing to argue, you are shutting off the valve of a marital-destructive substance. It’s like shutting off the flow of toxic waste.

If you slip, catch yourself and apologize. But DO NOT EXPLAIN what you wanted to say in other way. Explanations are always thinly disguised attacks. Don’t “put off” the argument for another time either. Instead, it is best to calm your own mind. Start by taking a slow, deep breath.

You can do this! Anyone can improve their marriage by setting their mind to it. Although there are many steps involved with rebuilding a marriage, this one will show you your own power and the love you still have for your spouse.

Paul Friedman
Paul Friedman
Founder, The Marriage Foundation
Paul devised an entirely new approach to marriage that empowers individuals to finally understand and cultivate expanding happiness and love in their marriages.

He has written two books, produced several video educational programs, regularly speaks on marriage, and founded The Marriage Foundation as a non-profit organization.

Our mission is to end divorce by spreading Paul's revolutionary marriage system around the world. We have helped thousands of individuals and couples for nearly 20 years and in over 45 countries.

10 thoughts on “Simple, Doable, And Effective Step To Rebuild A Marriage

  1. Stefania Reply

    between me and my husband there are 8 years age gap. when we argue we don’t understand each other. i suffer panic and anxiety between ovulation and monthly these last 20 years my father was in and out hospital with heart attacks and stroke now he is in a hospital bedridden just as he was settled my mum was diagnosed with A.L.S this was in July 2013 this was very hard to her suffering mostly when she needed to do a coffee or a toast and she couldn’t… for her last 2 months she was living with us in our home.and just past away 2 months ago on 7/05/2015 at 64 years. I miss her so much, we use to go out for shopping, even for a dinner out she used to be with…still till now I tell her good morning mama and good night i still talk to her a lot. when our boy 3 years 7 months is a very happy and funny boy and I still see her smiling cause that was only she could do just a little smile, to communicate she used to write, I used to feed her as she couldn’t hold the spoon. we used to spend a lot of time together. she was a stone for us sisters we were very close with her, now we still are …for this I thank God every day. now the things are not going well, we love each so much still and we both don’t want to leave each other. I’m a housewife and I try my best to do the work, my husband works and he is happy to meet his friends have a good lough and so on. I have friends all mummies now :) all from the village we live. one problem is that I don’t feel appreciated I don’t a thank you for anything I do. I thank him for all he do.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I am so sorry for the loss of your mum.
      Difficult times makes your emotions so intense that you are not your normal self. Also, your husband is not his normal self.
      Men and women handle outer and inner difficulties differently, so there may be an “outer” disconnect, but the love you have for each other is most important.

      Spend more of your thoughts on ways to please your husband, smiling at him, telling him how great a man he is and how you love him so much. Never complain, if you can help it, because he will think he has to fix. Instead, tell him how much his being there helps you.
      Blessings- TMF coach

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Jason,
      With all due respect, it is not an easy situation you are in. If you have children it is of course best you try everything you can, as we teach in our courses and books, to save your marriage, if it is possible. If it is not possible to save your marriage, and you do have children, then it is still a good idea to learn about marriage so your ongoing relationship, even if a divorce is inevitable,can be as positive as can be for the sake of your children.

  2. ID Reply

    How do I deal with my spouse’s anger issues (random outbursts of frustration to people, including myself)?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      We suggest you remove yourself, politely, from the “blast” zone.But don’t confront or point out the obvious. If he does not see it, he will not see it because you say something.

      Many people have anger issues so we spend a lot of effort explaining the ins and outs, from explaining the biological origins to defusing and understanding what to do when….Great question!!

  3. Wife/mommy Reply

    My husband had an ongoing affair with a co-worker, he eventually told me he wanted out of the marriage and it was a mistake to have married me. After I moved out, she moved in. When he and I met at F.O.C. for custody guidelines for our toddler daughter, he told me he had made a huge mistake and still loves me and wants our family back together. He told her he wanted to reconcile and we were getting back together and she needed to go. She ended up quitting her job that week as she was also seeing another guy and moved in with him. After several weeks of talking, dating- I agreed. I would not move back into the same house with him and we found a cute new place in a small town.

    Now, we have lived together in our new place for about 5 weeks. He is really trying to work on us but I think about him and her together all day long. I have dreams about me going home ( to our old house and catching them). I cannot wrap my head around how he could have done this to me. I feel like he is genuinely sorry for what he’s done and I’m stalling any healing process. We have made an appointment for marriage counseling, but our first one is scheduled for next week.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I am glad your husband came to his senses, and I understand how difficult it must be for you to let go of the past. The last thing you need is to dwell on the past or allow your memory to rule over you. The solution is to take control over your mind, gracefully yet strongly. It is YOUR mind, and so possible for you to manage your thoughts and emotions etc. Because we are not taught this basic how-to-live principle most of us are run ragged by our errant thoughts, as you are now.

      We, The Marriage Foundation, spend quite a bit of time explaining the ins and outs of managing your mind in our books and courses because it is part of having a happy marriage. But of course there are others, too, who can help you. The past is the past. It was painful enough without you having it part of your present. …sad to say, a marriage counselor who actually helps couples is very rare indeed. Be careful!!.

  4. Dennis Mosebey Reply

    The summer before we got married, a tumor was found in my fiance’s lung. After the diagnosis was given, we talked about postponing the wedding that October. I should point out that my previous wife to whom I had been married for 33 years had died of breast cancer in 2013. My fiance was concerned that after having just recently been through that emotional load, might not the present plan be too much. My answer was along the lines of “what type of person would I be, if I were to bail out at first sign of adversity.” My fiance now my wife believes that I was more worried about how I would look to others than being honest with her and saying we should perhaps wait. I cannot deny that was part of it, but also I felt I was trying to show her I would not bail out of future illnesses. She looks at this as not being truthful and therefore the foundation of our marriage was never as it should have been and that is root of our problems now. Frankly I can see her point but I can also see my point and what I was trying to demonstrate but I mucked up the situation very badly such that I am not sure we can recover and neither is she. I am not asking for words on who is right or who is wrong, that is not what this is about, I just cannot seem to see a way to go back in time to correct what appears to be irreparable damage to our marriage. Any input? I know a bit complicated

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The short answer is to let it go, and when she brings it up acknowledge her feelings, but assure you love her and your heart was in the right place…read “lessons For a Happy Marriage”

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