How To Fix A Broken Marriage

Can you really fix a broken marriage?

A broken marriage is right up there among the top pain producers. So if your marriage is heading in that direction it is time to act, right away.

How To Fix A Broken Marriage


Most couples put off marriage help thinking there is nothing they can do, or that things will somehow fix themselves over time.

But it is not like that.

There is a law of momentum to consider.

Imagine what it would be like if a car starts rolling, and you quickly stick a rock or log under the tire (I have seen people stick their foot under it) the car will stop. But if you are too late the car gets away from you.

That is the law of momentum, in action.

When I was a divorce mediator I had finally seen enough. I wanted to help others. I started with one couple, and with their cooperation and patience I was able to finally define just why couples have troubles, and what they can do about it. From them, I went on to gain quite a reputation for really fast, and really solid marriage mediation, instead of divorce mediation. The first couple are still together, and happy.

With a strong conviction that marriage should be happy, not just something you do, I discovered real and scientifically based help; which you can use. Now we have a thorough understanding of marriage, so your family can benefit, and stay together.

But not only just stay together.

Your marriage can become much better than it ever was. Happiness is what you and your spouse should seek and have.

After a few years of helping couples, I wrote my first book Lessons for a Happy Marriage to help many more couples. That was way back in 2008. Thousands have benefited from it.

You have to be realistic about your marriage.

There is not “one” problem that you need to fix. There are all kinds of things going on that should not be going on. And the good things, like connection and true friendship, which are not going on, should be.

Marriage is not supposed to be just another “thing”.

When it is working according to plan, as we lay out in our marriage help program, and in our books, marriage is spectacular! Marriage, when functioning according to what we have laid out as the natural laws of marriage, produces so much happiness you can barely take it at times. But when you have a broken marriage you are only going to have those great feelings accidentally, and occasionally.

Do you know what you did that made you happy? Not exactly, right?

And so you will not understand what you did that made you happy without the program. Like a kid jumping in behind the wheel of a supercharged car, it will feel great; until it doesn’t; until he hits a tight turn too fast.

And boom!


The question is: “Can you really fix a broken marriage?”

Yes, you can fix a broken marriage. But there’s a slight problem.

First, you have to change your perspective. You have to admit you do not truly know how to be married; and that is not easy to do. But when marriage is working according to design, it will not be chaotic or insecure. What is needed is a new look at your marriage. You need to start seeing what works, and doesn’t. Going after this problem, and that one …won’t work.

When you know how to build and sustain your marriage it will be fixed and ALL the troubles will evaporate. The hard part is that when you run into trouble your first reaction is to get out of the trouble you are in. It is an emergency. So people try to get out of the immediate danger. Then, they usually relapse, repeat the cycle a few times and end up divorced.

This is where couples counseling fails so many.

Most marriage family therapists don’t get at the root causes within the marriage. They ask, “what is going on”. But what is going on now doesn’t really tell anyone anything. In fact, I have been helping many therapists become true marriage experts, and wrote a special book for them, which anyone can read of course, called Breaking the Cycle. It is more extensive than Lessons for a Happy Marriage, but some people prefer it.

My way is to deal with the emergencies by using special techniques to stop everything, and while there are no more conflict behaviors distracting you, you learn how to build your marriage the right way. Almost anyone (those who can go on to have a great marriage and those who don’t end up divorced) can do this.

Truly, the couples who are successful do not know any special secrets.

They just know marriage is something that has to be approached intelligently and systematically. That is where we come in. The study of marriage is not difficult, but it does take some effort. But I will also tell you this;

The effort you make to fix a broken marriage is a lot less than the pain endured if you don't. Click To Tweet

Most people wait too long before seeking help. But this is a big mistake. Once a marriage begins to slide downhill, it picks up momentum, sliding faster and faster. Honestly, some couples don’t contact us until their marriage is in free fall.

Some people think they can “wait out” the problem, or that it will go away on its own. They don’t realize that so many hidden factors have brought them to this point that this never works out.

You need help ASAP!

We literally get panic emails along the lines of “my wife left me two weeks ago and I just need to know what to say so she will come back.” It isn’t anyone’s fault when they wait too long, but please don’t put off your efforts to save your marriage any longer.

Nearly all the problems you face, even big ones like cheating, are resolvable.

These issues are painful, but didn’t happen due to the reasons you think. As soon as you study the core principles of what makes a marriage work, and practice our proprietary techniques, your marriage will start improving.

You are at a crossroads. It is up to you what you do next.

First of all, before you begin fixing your broken marriage, we encourage you to write in (FREE of charge), and ask if your problem is easily solved. If it’s a simple one, we’ll provide you some suggestions. Or you can always get one of our books.

However, if your marriage is deteriorating rapidly, or if you just want to be done with the “wrong way to be married,” it might be well worth taking our online marriage help program. Our program is the most effective and valuable marriage help program there is, and is suitable for every issue.

Whatever you decide, stay in touch with us. We are here to help you. And bear in mind, that your marriage will more than likely be fine as long as you take action now.

The keys at this point are twofold:

  1. You need to learn what works in marriage and what doesn’t, and…
  2. Don’t give up.

Both are equally important. Neither one will work alone.


Can I Get Marriage Insurance?

Unfortunately, there probably isn’t a “marriage insurance policy” you can buy from a “marriage insurance broker” like homeowners insurance. But if you really want to know if your marriage will last, just bear with me, because I’m going to show you how and help you with that!

Marriage insurance is real!

Think about it: Who wants to get married and face a 50/50 risk that their marriage will fail?

Is there any compensation that would satisfy you if your marriage failed, your family collapsed, or your children suffered?

Can money really ease the pain of marriage failure?


Don’t believe those who tell you divorce is normal, because it isn’t normal to fail when it comes to something this important.

We don’t give out advice or tips.

Instead, we teach you all about marriage, as though it is a “thing” that can be understood and operated. We know it is not typical thinking to dissect marriage into parts and make it mechanical, but it works to do so.

Marriage is not a mystery to us, and it won’t be for you.

The point is people can study anything they want; multiple topics exist that people can learn about. Some get into the minutia of things most people already consider minutia, like the follicles of arm hair. Luckily, you don’t need to worry about that level of study when it comes to marriage, although you can dig deep if you want.

You do need to have enough general knowledge to understand everything your spouse says, and why. You need to understand the purposes and goals of marriage so you are not just living it day to day without reaping the incredible benefits.

We can teach you all you need to know about marriage; it is easy to learn. We make it simple, because it actually is simple.


Marriage Education Is Your Marriage Insurance

You have to start your marriage education with knowledge of the possible dangers, the pitfalls.

It is like going on a hike and knowing which rocks may be hiding a rattlesnake, or knowing which berries are poisonous, so you can avoid them. A marriage analogy would be learning that when your spouse speaks harshly to you, the first step is not to react. Since minds “react,” you cannot tell whose mind is reacting. It is not how either of you truly feels; it is just a momentary, dangerous situation, a pitfall.

One-step-at-a-time Kind Of Education

You need to get educated in a very practical manner by learning the most important things first. Then, you can slowly expand your knowledge to the point where you understand your marriage so well that your lives are natural and fulfilling. That happens much faster than you think!


What if I’m still not convinced about marriage education?

Can I fix my marriage as a Do-It-Yourself project?

Actually, that it is a great question!

The idea of fixing your marriage as a do-it-yourself project is spot on!

The reasons it’s a good idea are pure logic, even though marriage and family therapists may disagree. But remember, they (the therapists) make their livelihood by “helping you” heal your marriage, so they have a personal reason for not supporting you healing your marriage as a DIY project.

So let’s look at the whole thing point by point:

  1. Marriages either function well, or not. Unlike a car, or even a human body, which may have “parts” that fail, or need help, a marriage is more like an organization of its parts. All of them should be working harmoniously. Working on one issue, or extrapolating one or two complaints, only creates more friction. It has the opposite of the effect you desire.
  2. You two are the only ones who can change anything. Even though an outside professional can describe a flaw in your thinking or behavior, they cannot begin to know the true impact it has on you, or what you do has on your spouse. Marriage is closed enterprise. Just you two.
  3. Knowledge gives you insight. Instruction gives you attitude. One thing is for sure; nobody wants to be told they are screw ups, or be told what to do. If you cannot see why, what you are doing is a problem, you will not change; PERIOD!

YOU can fix your marriage. One of the reasons you have a failing marriage (don’t pretend it is less than failing) is because you have not studied marriage, so you don’t understand it as a “thing”. When couples, or individuals, begin studying our marriage program you would be amazed at the positive feedback we get …right away!

The students of our program say things like “I wish I didn’t wait so long…” because they start to see how much they didn’t know. It is like skiing. When I was a kid I was lucky to live where our ski runs were pathetic. Otherwise, I would have killed myself. Later in life, I took a couple of lessons and I was no longer putting my life on the line. And that’s just skiing!

Marriage fixing should indeed be as a do-it-yourself project. But use a manual or course so you know what does what. Then, you will see. Your lives will be so much better!


Fix your broken marriage by reinventing yourself

Hardly any “marriage expert” will tell you this secret of marital success, primarily because they don’t think in those terms.

But it is true!

You CAN fix your broken marriage by reinventing yourself.

Reinventing yourself is not the same as fixing someone who is broken. Although there may seem to be an implication that there is something “wrong” with you, that is not at all the message.


Let me explain

What it meant is that you who are now in your marriage are probably not you who were adored when you got engaged.

Am I right?

I don’t mean the inner you, but the outer you, that your fiance was so enthralled with.

Contrary to what many people think, marriage is not merely a simple relationship that you enter from engagement, after dating. Marriage is a whole new world! It is as different as can be, and it needs special thinking and actions in order to get out of it what you wish. People bring into their marriages the same skills they use in the rest of the world, and discover their marriages are not anything like what they wanted. Not filled with joy, not very harmonious, and certainly not blissful. They don’t understand why. They “give it all they’ve got”, but still, it doesn’t work.

Reminds me of when I was a kid and decided I could fly.

So with all the determination I could muster at 5 or 6 years old, and all the various methods I could imagine, I wasn’t getting off the ground. I flapped my arms with all my might and speed, and jumped of our porch (nearly broke my ankles), and still no flight! But when I was 18, I went to flight school and learned all I needed to fly. Once I learned, it was easy!

Well, marriage is easy, too; when you know how!

This is the reinvent part; learning the how.

Consider this for starters.

Your marriage is a complex entity of at least six different relationships, all with their own rules. Your broken marriage will continue to break until you, sometimes just one of you, takes your marriage seriously enough to put the time into reinventing your approach to your spouse, the marriage, and yourself.

There is an underlying problem to your current snafu.

But the major underlying, and fixable, problem is very few people are “naturals” for marriage. So, all of this has to be learned. Otherwise, you will be flapping your arms in very creative ways, but will never get off the ground.

Marriage counseling will likely not work for your marriage.

Usually couples get into those because they think along the lines of “I’m not perfect, but they did this, or are always doing that”. Your sessions will not be productive because “human nature” is such that taking blame is very tough, and in those sessions couples are, at best, trying to find “fair”, which does not exist. In fact you will end up going deeper into your broken marriage, as the marriage counselors rarely are well trained.

By now you’ll realized that it doesn’t matter how long you have been married.

Marriages need a very different approach than what is popularly thought. There is a process I came up with to heal your marriage that will work, and it works because it is so obvious it is working as soon as you begin, and then you start to get excited by the prospects; it is hard to beat success and logic.

Here is what one of our new students said only a few days after starting our program.

“The fighting stopped and now I am thinking before I speak. I never thought of doing that before.”

Honestly, there is so much nonsense out there that people who begin our program are amazed at how quickly things change. But the best part is that the changes are permanent. I came up with all our programs because I was a divorce mediator who shifted gears when I saw how many families were collapsing simply because good people had no idea how to be married. When I searched for scientific methods for healing marriages I found NONE! So I created it myself. Now, the experts who review my work call it, above all, “practical”. That means it does what it is suppose to do. Imagine that!

Some couples who use our guidance begin with only the wife, or less often, the husband, taking the program. But I should not say “the” program because there are really two; one for husbands and the other for wives. In these cases we hope the other will see big changes and eventually join in. That is usually how it works when marriages turn around. But even if not, the one who takes the program is not pulling the whole marriage, but rather setting the example.

Even when couples work on their marriage “together” it is the individual effort one makes on themselves that really heals the marriage. You inevitably reinvent yourself.  Then, when you know how to be married, you have a great marriage.


How to Reinvent Yourself to Fix Your Broken Marriage

The first step is to learn about marriage.

How can you fashion yourself into the perfect married person if you don’t understand marriage?

For this you can use a marriage help book that doesn’t just make fun of marriage (like “Men are from Mars”). Books like that are fine for entertainment.

But have you ever heard anyone tell you “that book has changed my life, and my marriage is now great?” No, of course not. It’s a fun book, but not useful for a broken marriage.

Right from when I first began helping couples my process worked incredibly well; it is scientific. Some said it was because I was honest with people, but it is much more than that. I took people through a succinct process. Later, I wrote out the process in my first book (2008). So many have been helped because I laid out my process, which in that book is very easy to follow.

A few years later, I wrote a second book for teaching therapists about our system. It contains the same information, but it goes much deeper into the reasons for why we behave we do and what we can do about it.

Here’s a client story I worked with:

One client, whose husband was an Ashley Madison addict, clutched the book to her chest and said, “This book has saved my life.” Her marriage had been in shambles. Her husband had been on that crazy Ashley Madison site, and was dating young women. She was panicked! They had two little children and she had no idea what to do. But she trusted the book, and me, and never gave up on her husband no matter how far out he got (he was “sick”, so the “in sickness and in health” vow was meaningful to her). They are still together, and doing superbly. Though he never went on our program too, he did read the book.

To sum up, reinventing yourself according to what your marriage needs takes more than a resolution, or changing one or two things. It requires definite and scientific effort.

One thought to keep in mind is although some people think a divorce will put an end to the suffering, and the next marriage will be better; or better to live alone, it is rarely true. But they do not realize how much harder it is to live with their imperfections than it is to fix them, thus saving their marriage.

There is always hope until you quit. If you have a broken marriage, don’t give up. Best to take the next step. Get busy learning about marriage and make up your mind to get it right. You can do it.

What have you got to lose?

Paul Friedman
Paul Friedman
Founder / Director
Paul has written two books, produced several video programs, regularly speaks on marriage, and continues to guide the growth of The Marriage Foundation to help enrich the marriages of couples around the world.

36 thoughts on “How To Fix A Broken Marriage

  1. Russell ByrdReply

    I’ve been married 19 years I’m a fairly easy going person and don’t think I’ve changed much other than getting older and less tolerant of nit-pick stupidity we lost a child alittle over a year ago and I think that this is part not all but part of the problem my wife thinks I’ve changed and think of no one but myself we are also raising two small grandkids one with special needs I need and want to fix our marriage terribly because our grandkids need us and I don’t want to get a divorce

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Losing a child is a huge deal, especially for mom. I’m not sure if you reading one of my books will be enough for you, but it will at least give you some insights you don’t have now. If you can change some things with that as a guide, great. Otherwise you may want to get the course for men. But by all means be a lot more patient with your wife. She needs your love and support, not your instruction. And so do your grandchildren… you can contact our counselors, too.

  2. BayReply

    When my husband gets mad and says ugly words to me and he never admits his wrong doings only mine.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Bay
      That’s normal. Very few people admit it when they are “wrong”. It is best to consider this so you do not create even more anger. If you are an angel you will be understanding, even though he is wrong.

  3. T. MasonReply

    My husband refuses to communicate with me . Everything is always his way or no way .We have been married for over 18yrs. Kids are grown and out of the house . Lately he has been cranky and distant . He’s drinking more now and has been on his phone a lot . But to him everything is fine as long as I leave him alone .When I do try to talk to him about things that I am feeling he shuts down gets highly irritated and defensive . He sits in his chair for hours at a time . Watching television while I pour my heart out to him. He will get up and go to bed without a word spoken . He is a rock. The question is. Do I continue to beat my head on this rock ? Please help

  4. CedricReply

    I been married 11yrs and we been together for 14 years altogether. Recent I was calling and texting another lady never tried to sleep with her nor did I say something out the norm just being a friend. My wife found out she asked me who it was I lied about the name, and I also deleted the text message. But I recovered the messages and showed them to her. She wants a divorce. But I don’t I’m nothing without wife and kids. I don’t want her to leave it’s the end of me if she does

  5. j.b.Reply

    ive been married to my wife for a little over 20 years now. as the years goes by it feels like im pushing her away. we use to go out alot now we dont have time due to opening a buisness. we have 4 kids which are all grown now and a couple of them moved out. ive noticed a problem in our marriage a few years ago. we dont talk to each other the way we should be. im an affectionate i love to hug and kiss on my wife but she pushes me away or act like shes just not into me anymore. i tried to talk to her but she says its not me its her shes not happy with herself. is there anything i can do to fix this before i lose her forever

  6. VanessaReply

    I’ve been married for 8 years but we’ve been together for 15 years. We have 4 children and my husband is giving up on our marriage. My husband was deported in 2009 and we’ve been apart pretty much our whole marriage. We are now living together and it’s too tough for him because he wants to split. I have a lot of trust issues because he has been unfaithful, I want to work on our marriage but he feels like he’s given 100% and doesn’t think we will work out anymore. I don’t want a divorce. He thinks that is the only way to fix this.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Vanessa
      Your situation is very tough because you have been apart so long. Naturally, there are so many things you do not know about him and I’m sure there are lots of things you do, but tried to give the short version.
      If he is in the home you do have an opportunity to reconnect. But its like starting from scratch. I would recommend you see this as an opportunity. Perhaps you can win his love.

  7. SSReply

    My husband has cheated many times and is an addict. We have children and I cant give up. He is sick and want my marriage to work. I filed for divorce but stopped it in hopes for change and a couple months later I moved out but we are still trying. We used to fight all the time. We talk more now. However, he says this is all alot because he is moving back in but wont explain what alot is. I am trying to stay positive and be there when he is ready to talk and not be pushy. He wants to hang out with friends by himself alot and i dont feel like that is a good idea. I think we should be spending time together to figure this out and fix our marriage. Is it to late?

  8. Paul Friedman Post authorReply

    Hi SS
    I’m not sure if you mean that your husband is a sex addict (or something) or if he is addicted to a substance.

    If he is addicted to substance, whether its drugs (legit or not) or alcohol, his heart is closed off AND the substances cause a cycle of degeneration that cannot be stopped until the addicted one has hit their bottom, and stops… it happens all the time.

    If you are saying he is addicted to his habits, that is not the same. He can be helped by you being more loving and connected yourself. The next step for you is to begin learning about the heart, mind, and soul… don’t worry about the symptoms at this point. Your heart is in the right place, so you will do well if you progress with intentions of being the best wife… which is about being tied to your heart, more than how you “treat” your husband.

    Here, this explanation may help you understand better

  9. BreannaReply

    Hello. My name is Breanna. My husband and I have been married 4 years now. I just caught him paying prostitues for sex in crack motels. I have caught him cheating endless times and have even left him an gotten my own home. Only to have him crying for me back doing all the right things making me believe he has changed and BAM! I catch him again. We are together all the time and have what I thought an amazing relationship. Each time it’s a shock to me because of how great everything seems. My therapist believes from the things I have told and showed her that he has a sex addiction problem. He always apologizes, says he’ll change an blah blah yet I find myself going through it constantly. My biggest frustration is When i catch him I don’t just make assumptions. This time I found videos, emails, hotel receipts, text messages, everything. Yet he still denies black and white proof to my face as If i am stupid. So why apologize if he is saying he did not do it? I am tired of feeling as if I am the problem when I clearly am not. I feel I can never compete with someone with a sex addiction problem. We have sex literally almost everyday, yet he still cheats. What can I do? Is this fixable? Should I run and never look back? I am at my whits end.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You are going through Hell!
      The problem is not in the details, or you having sex with him, or him being addicted to sex. You cannot be addicted to sex, just be habituated, which is NOT the same thing.

      The REAL problem, as there is only one, is that the two of you have no idea how to be married. You don’t know what to do because we don’t have the general knowledge in society to gain any perspective or direction.

      What you must do now is study marriage, how your mind works, and all the other aspects of marriage so you can make it happen. And, you don’t need to point the finger, unless you want a divorce.

      Have you at least gotten one of my books? But what you really need is the course… write to our counselors for more direction, but no, you should not give up.

  10. SherylReply

    I left my husband almost 3 years ago because of his affair with his assistant. He tried to everything to win me back and promised that he already stopped. We had 2 children one is 11 yrs now and the other one is 4 years. I accepted him. And now after almost 3 years being happy together i saw a picture of him and the other woman along with a 7mos.old baby who exactly looks like my husband. Its her baptismal and my husband was there seems very happy in the pictures.they had many pics together along with the womans family and my husband is carrying the baby all times. I confronted him and he keeps denying that the baby is his despite that the baby’s face looks like him. He even denies a communication with the other woman despite in the picture shes hugging and holding him…i see from my husband face how happy he is and how comfortable he is with her and her family. Now im in so much depression and i dont know what to do. Even my kids are affected. I wanted to run away everytime and lea ve him so that they can both be happy. I dont know what to do now he says he will never leave us whatever happened and he loves me….i cant decide right now and whatever i do i couldnt forget how he betrayed me with the same woman eventhough i gave him another chance to prove himself to me. I hope u can help me. Im so tired and everything is a mess right now.

  11. Scott SutherlandReply

    After nearly 8 years of marriage my Wife has asked me to leave, we have become unloving, she feels controlled, we don’t communicate and I’m an angry and aggressive person with her and our children. She feels she has given me every chance to change and I fail everytime, I actually didn’t think I loved her anymore but over the past week or so I’ve realised that my Wife means everything to me, I have forgotten how to make her feel loved and appreciated, I want to make this work but ultimately I just want her to be happy regardless of how that makes me feel. Right now she’s cold being strong despite my desire to fix things, she needs time and I need to change. Please help me

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Scott
      I pray its not too late. But your only chance, and it may be too late, is for you to take the men’s course. But do NOT ask your wife to take the woman’s side, nor tell her what you are doing, as it that would only make her less trusting of you.
      Go to this video I put together, so you know what you are getting into.

  12. Trinette CaponeReply

    I just found this link. Everything you wrote is so true. Our first reactions are leave, get out, so what, etc. He always says no to spending time together, but when he wants to do something he expects yes. It is very hurtful that we should be doing more. I am harsh with words just like him. I want my marriage and this failure did not happen overnight. I want to see where I need correction, and truly understand what marriage is about. My children have grown up witnessing dysfunction.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      It isn’t anyone’s fault, because the ideas of marriage and how to make them work are so off in society. But it IS within your power to heal everything. If your marriage is far gone you will need the help provided by the course we put together for you, which I explain in this video.

      Otherwise, use one of my books to get educated. But be careful. If you are in serious trouble and try to patch things you will make it worse.

  13. Jenny GolderReply

    Unfortunately after almost 22 years of marriage and raising our children, me surviving a massive stroke, going through many financial ups and downs I am afraid my husband and I have just grown too far apart. He has become so bitter towards life that every conversation somehow turns to an argument no matter what, I get defensive, he never seems happy I push more it’s a continuous circle. There is no resolution since communication is so dysfunctional. I have shut down to avoid the fights.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Jenny
      I know it may seem like that now, but it all has to do with perspective and insights. Trust me, I have seen much “worse” completely turn around.
      You both have so much invested, and are so young. You can have an amazing life starting now. Don’t even think about giving up! Put all your energy into making your marriage the happiest part of your life. I have seen it and know what we share will work for you, too.

  14. T. M.Reply

    Paul,I just want to say thank you for posting these comments. They have given me confidence, insight, reassurance and HOPE. I have been married for just over 22 years and we are in the process of divorce. I don’t want it! We argue whenever we’re supposed to be”talking”, I end up crying because of something hurtful he’s said and that makes him more upset so it keeps going on. Eventually, I tell him I don’t want to do this anymore(argue), then shutdown. He has now told me I’ve said I don’t want anything to do with him anymore or this relationship. He’s moving in with another woman and we’re not even divorced yet. We haven’t even discussed the divorce fully. He’s blamed me for everything wrong in our relationship and states I’ve less him to this. I feel with him, I never do anything right it’s always wrong or he would have done things another way. I am a very affectionate person and have hardly ever been able to receive the same affection from him. Do you think there is any saving this or if it’s even worth saving or trying? I don’t know what to do!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear TM
      Absolutely there is hope, even at this stage where your husband is moving in with his girlfriend. But you cannot expect him to respond to the you he is leaving. So many make the same mistake of applying all kinds of excuses, resentment, and their own sense of righteous indignation, when they should start working on themselves with the true idea that they were quite imperfect as a wife.

      Don’t give up. But don’t put off your work either. Get busy! I have laid out the path and process in minute detail in the the course. All you have to do is follow it sincerely.

      Stay in touch with our counselors!

  15. JamesReply

    Hi Paul,
    We have been married for over 30 years and now the marriage is on the rocks to say the least. My wife keeps saying it is over and finished and insisting that she does not want to try to fix it anymore. Every time I talk to her about doing something different to make it work she says “it is done and over and I will not change my mind”. Is there anything that can be done to save the marriage when she is insisting that it is over!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Hi James
      “A woman convinced against her will is of the same opinion still” This is not true for when men say its over; interesting. Of course the reasons are scientific, but that does not matter to you at the moment.
      You may look at your behaviors, to see what is driving the wedge. I would suggest getting one of my books so you have a comparison. Maybe its not too late…

  16. EllyReply

    Paul, My husband and I have been married for 2 years now. We’re expecting a baby in July, im currently 5 &1/2 months pregnant. My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately & we’ve been here before. We’ve said we would change but end up back in this place every time. Now my husband is saying he doesn’t ever see it changing & wants a divorce. I’ve read your article and watched your videos & I feel like I know where we’ve been going wrong. We don’t keep things consistent to make things better in the long run. I’ve told him to give me a chance to work on myself & he just says we’ve tried that & he doesn’t see it changing so he doesn’t even want to give it a try. He tells me he doesn’t have any feelings there for me anymore. What can I do to help my relationship? I’ve been trying to work on myself but I don’t think he sees it cause he’s so stuck on his point of view. Please help.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      This is a lesson I learned very early on, that the desire to change, no matter how sincere, is overridden by habits and instincts. It is what ends marriages, because it is so logical to change that we cannot imagine its not possiblle without addressing it specifically. That’s what I did. I realized it has to be first order of process in healing a marriage, so thats what you will do when you, not your husband, takes the course. There is no other sure way.

  17. DCReply

    Paul, my wife and I have been married for 4 years now 8 in total. She walk out on me this past week. Says she doesn’t know if she’s still “in love” with me. However, she says she loves me. Also, she said that there are other issues with our marriage but, she’s not sure what they are. when we met I told her I didn’t want kids I had a 7 year old from a previous relationship. we bought our house in July of 2012 and got married 9/20/14. she is a wonderful women and loves my daughter as her own. Now she wants a child of her own which I understand and respect! Im lost right now and don’t know what do. Id give anything to save my marriage and make her happy. is it too late? should I let her go?
    I feel helpless right now! I just want her to come back home so, we can continue building our lives together.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The desire a woman has to have children is built in biologically. You say you would do anything, but it seems that is not the case. So, you need to be both honest and fair.
      I also pick up clear indications of a lack of understanding of her needs, and the “requirements” of marriage, that makes a marriage heaven on Earth. You need to, at the very least, read one of my books. If you want to try to heal your marriage you will have to do nothiing less than take our course.

      I hope this helps you.

  18. Brittany S.Reply

    Dear Paul,
    My husband and I have been together for going on 7 years. We have been married for going on 5 years now. We have a 5 year old, and a 2 year old. We have been having issues, because i have been taking him for granted. I have not been communicating with him on my feelings, and not being honest. I love him still, even when he treats me like a child, and not getting me the respect and responsibility that I need to share with him. I have been doing this since before we got married, and he is starting to not care about our marriage. He has been fighting for our marriage, and I havent been trying as hard. We decided last year that we were going to invite another couple into our bedroom, and on our anniversary we invited another woman to our bedroom. I later found out that he had sex with her by himself while I was asleep. We have been going downhill since than and I dont want our marriage to fail. I dont know what I should do, I need to work on a bunch of stuff with myself and I dont know how to do that. I need help, and I am about to lose him. I dont want that to happen.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Inviting more sex partners into your relationship was disconnected from your desire to reconnect because it undermines trust, respect, and basic morality.

      You are both now so confused about what marriage is and what you are to each other that you need to go back to step one, and learn about marriage AS you learn to be together. The ONLY way to acheive this is with the course I put together. I WISH others had systems like mine, but I have not seen any, so please use it so you don’t continue downhill.

  19. MattReply

    I as a husband I have done so many wrongs I cant start to imagine them or how my wife felt. I recently did a self-inventory and so far came up with 108 things I’ve done wrong. I want my marriage to work but it seems I may be too late. My wife says she wants nothing more than that for our kids, and I’m ok but not ok because I want us back. What do I do, or can do, to show her?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Matt,
      What good does it do to count the offenses? I can’t see the benefit. Though I can see the benefit of finding the underlying reasons for your misbehaviors and watching the mind so you don’t repeat the inner, and thus outer, reactions.

      As to what you can do. We always behave according to what we are, and almost nothing will curtail that. It is why we have to change ourselves into what we want to be, instead of the bundle of habits that own us now. Sounds simple, and it’s logical. But you will need some help in this endeavor.

  20. BiancaReply

    I’ve been having an affair with my husband(of 15 years)bestfriend for the last 4 years. It started as sexting and lead to sneaking around. I started to develop feelings of love for him with every conversation we had. He’s also married and I’m friends with his wife and treat his daughter as my own. My husband caught our messages. He says hes more hurt that i started having feelings more than anything. He then confessed to have a fling 8 years ago that resulted in a pregnancy and adoption. That he didn’t know my love because I was going to school and he worked nights. It was a tough time in our relationship. He said it was a mistake and he never loved her. Mine is worse because I developed feelings. The even worse part, the guy is denying everything and making me out to be crazy. He played me and i feel for it. I truly do love my husband. And want to fix our marriage. He says he loves me but not the same and doesn’t trust me. Im mortified that he’s got an 8 year old(only a year younger the our youngest child) that he kept a secret. What to I do? We still love each other.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      There is always hope. If you have children you should do all you can to remain together. The course might help, but I would not be so bold to assure you that will work in your particular case.

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