Can you really fix a broken marriage?
A broken marriage is right up there among the top pain producers. So if your marriage is heading in that direction it is time to act, right away.
Most couples put off marriage help thinking there is nothing they can do, or that things will somehow fix themselves over time but that never happens. Many if not most couples also try marriage counseling and get nowhere except for more discouragement or lose hope, entirely.
I have hands-on experience because I was a divorce mediator over 20 years ago and saw it first hand as I got virtually all of my clients from marriage counselors. Finally, I switched my practice to helping couples find happiness and love using pertinent ideas that focused on their marriage, not their problems. Let me share my insights with you.
There is a law of momentum to consider.
Imagine what it would be like if a car starts rolling, and you quickly stick a rock or log under the tire (I have seen people stick their foot under it) the car will stop. But if you are too late the car gets away from you.
That is the law of momentum, in action. Your marriage has probably gotten away from you at this point so there are tensions, often arguments (arguing is a sure sign that you do not understand how to be married, not that you are incompatible), not much if any intimacy, and of course not much if any sex. These are symptoms. I do not go after symptoms because like a plant the symptoms only tell you that you are overwatering or something. You need to first learn what the plant needs. Same with marriage, you need to learn what a marriage needs. You two are probably great people. That’s my experience. But great people still need to learn how to be married. Marriage is a “thing” and every “thing” has to be understood so you can get the most out of it.
When I was a divorce mediator I had finally seen enough. I wanted to help my clients be happy, not get a divorce. So, I started with one couple, and with their cooperation and patience (and lots of research on my own) I was able to exquisitely define marriage and so just why couples have troubles, and what they can do about it. From them, I went on to gain quite a reputation for really fast, and really solid marriage mediation, instead of divorce mediation. The first couple is still together, and happy as are all of the couples we help with our courses and books.
My strong conviction is that marriage should be happy, nay, joy-filled! not just something you “do”. I created real and scientifically based help; which you and anyone can use because it makes sense, is doable, proves itself every time, and delivers as promised. Now we have a thorough understanding of marriage, so your family can benefit, and stay together. More importantly, we know how to completely turn your marriage around because our methods are scientific and include the most important components of your marriage; you and your spouse!
Just staying together is not enough
Your marriage will become much better than it ever was because you learn what you need to know about yourselves and exactly what you must do to have happiness and love. Happiness and love are what you and your spouse should seek and have because those are why you got married in the first place.
After a few years of helping couples, I wrote my first book Lessons for a Happy Marriage to help many more couples. That was way back in 2008. Thousands have benefited from it.
But you have to be realistic about your marriage.
There is no “one” problem that you need to fix. There are all kinds of things going on that should not be going on. And the good things, like connection and true friendship, which are not going on, should be. This is not rocket science.
The mainstream of marriage ideas which you can find in articles and books generally have one thing in common, they are written from a psychotherapy point of view, which as we know has not produced a world filled with happy marriages. I think it is because they are looking in the wrong places for solutions and actually do not understand marriage for what it is intended to be… yes, INTENDED! The idea of arriage didn’t just happen, it’s not a “next step” in evolution any more than human beings are merely advanced animals. We are human beings! We experience and need love. We understand morality. We understand joy, not just happiness caused by temporary outer conditions. We are souls and that’s why we call our spouse our soulmate. It’s not just a clever phrase. So, that is where we start when we want marital success, with the goals, the promises of marriage; soulmates experiencing love and happiness till the end of our lives.
When it is working according to plan, as we lay out in our marriage help program, and in our books, marriage is spectacular! Marriage, when functioning according to what we have laid out as the natural laws of marriage, produces so much happiness you can barely take it at times. But when you have a broken marriage you are only going to have those great feelings accidentally, and occasionally.
Do you know what you did that made you happy? Not exactly, right?
And so you will not understand what you did that made you happy without the program. Like a kid jumping in behind the wheel of a supercharged car, it will feel great; until it doesn’t; until he hits a tight turn too fast.
The question most ask: “Can I really fix My broken Marriage?”
Yes, you can fix YOUR broken marriage. But there’s a slight problem.
First, you have to change your perspective. You have to admit you do not truly know how to be married; which is not easy to do because of our egos. But when marriage is working according to design, it will not be chaotic or insecure. What is needed is a new look at your marriage. You need to start seeing what works, and what doesn’t. Going after this problem, and that one …won’t work.
When you know how to build and sustain your marriage it will be fixed and ALL the troubles will end. The hard part is that when you run into trouble your first reaction is to get out of the trouble you are in. It is an emergency. So people try to get out of the immediate danger. Then, they usually relapse, repeat the cycle a few times and end up divorced.
This is another place where couples counseling fails so many.
Most marriage family therapists don’t get at the root causes within the marriage. They ask, “what is going on”. But what is going on now doesn’t really tell anyone anything. In fact, I have been helping many therapists become true marriage experts and I wrote a special book for them, which anyone can read, of course, called Breaking the Cycle. It is more extensive than Lessons for a Happy Marriage, but some people prefer it.
My way is to deal with emergencies by using special techniques to stop everything, and while there are no more conflict behaviors distracting you, you learn how to build your marriage the right way. Almost anyone (those who can go on to have a great marriage and those who don’t end up divorced) can do this.
Truly, the couples who are successful do not know any special secrets.
They just know marriage is something that has to be approached intelligently and systematically, and methodically. That is where we come in. The study of marriage is not difficult, but it does take some effort. But I will also tell you this;
[bctt tweet=”The effort you make to fix a broken marriage is a lot less than the pain endured if you don’t.”]
Most people wait too long before seeking help. But this is a big mistake. Once a marriage begins to slide downhill, it picks up momentum, sliding faster and faster. Honestly, some couples don’t contact us until their marriage is in free fall.
Some people think they can “wait out” the problem, or that it will go away on its own. They don’t realize that so many hidden factors have brought them to this point that this never works out.
You need help ASAP!
We literally get panic emails along the lines of “my wife left me two weeks ago and I just need to know what to say so she will come back.” It isn’t anyone’s fault when they wait too long, but please don’t put off your efforts to save your marriage any longer.
Nearly all the problems you face, even big ones like cheating, are resolvable.
These issues are painful, but didn’t happen due to the reasons you think. As soon as you study the core principles of what makes a marriage work, and practice our proprietary techniques, your marriage will start improving.
You are at a crossroads. It is up to you what you do next.
First of all, before you begin fixing your broken marriage, we encourage you to write in (FREE of charge), and ask if your problem is easily solved. If it’s a simple one, we’ll provide you some suggestions. Or you can always get one of our books.
However, if your marriage is deteriorating rapidly, or if you just want to be done with the “wrong way to be married,” it might be well worth taking our online marriage help program. Our program is the most effective and valuable marriage help program there is, and is suitable for every issue.
Whatever you decide, stay in touch with us. We are here to help you. And bear in mind, that your marriage will more than likely be fine as long as you take action now.
The keys at this point are twofold:
- You need to learn what works in marriage and what doesn’t, and…
- Don’t give up.
Both are equally important. Neither one will work alone.
Can I Get Marriage Insurance?
Unfortunately, there probably isn’t a “marriage insurance policy” you can buy from a “marriage insurance broker” like homeowners insurance. But if you really want to know if your marriage will last, just bear with me, because I’m going to show you how and help you with that!
Marriage insurance is real!
Think about it: Who wants to get married and face a 50/50 risk that their marriage will fail?
Is there any compensation that would satisfy you if your marriage failed, your family collapsed, or your children suffered?
Can money really ease the pain of marriage failure?
Don’t believe those who tell you divorce is normal, because it isn’t normal to fail when it comes to something this important.
We don’t give out advice or tips.
Instead, we teach you all about marriage, as though it is a “thing” that can be understood and operated. We know it is not typical thinking to dissect marriage into parts and make it mechanical, but it works to do so.
Marriage is not a mystery to us, and it won’t be for you.
The point is people can study anything they want; multiple topics exist that people can learn about. Some get into the minutia of things most people already consider minutia, like the follicles of arm hair. Luckily, you don’t need to worry about that level of study when it comes to marriage, although you can dig deep if you want.
You do need to have enough general knowledge to understand everything your spouse says, and why. You need to understand the purposes and goals of marriage so you are not just living it day to day without reaping the incredible benefits.
We can teach you all you need to know about marriage; it is easy to learn. We make it simple, because it actually is simple.
Marriage Education Is Your Marriage Insurance
You have to start your marriage education with knowledge of the possible dangers, the pitfalls.
It is like going on a hike and knowing which rocks may be hiding a rattlesnake, or knowing which berries are poisonous, so you can avoid them. A marriage analogy would be learning that when your spouse speaks harshly to you, the first step is not to react. Since minds “react,” you cannot tell whose mind is reacting. It is not how either of you truly feels; it is just a momentary, dangerous situation, a pitfall.
One-step-at-a-time Kind Of Education
You need to get educated in a very practical manner by learning the most important things first. Then, you can slowly expand your knowledge to the point where you understand your marriage so well that your lives are natural and fulfilling. That happens much faster than you think!
What if I’m still not convinced about marriage education?
Can I fix my marriage as a Do-It-Yourself project?
Actually, that it is a great question!
The idea of fixing your marriage as a do-it-yourself project is spot on!
The reasons it’s a good idea are pure logic, even though marriage and family therapists may disagree. But remember, they (the therapists) make their livelihood by “helping you” heal your marriage, so they have a personal reason for not supporting you healing your marriage as a DIY project.
So let’s look at the whole thing point by point:
- Marriages either function well, or not. Unlike a car, or even a human body, which may have “parts” that fail, or need help, a marriage is more like an organization of its parts. All of them should be working harmoniously. Working on one issue, or extrapolating one or two complaints, only creates more friction. It has the opposite of the effect you desire.
- You two are the only ones who can change anything. Even though an outside professional can describe a flaw in your thinking or behavior, they cannot begin to know the true impact it has on you, or what you do has on your spouse. Marriage is closed enterprise. Just you two.
- Knowledge gives you insight. Instruction gives you attitude. One thing is for sure; nobody wants to be told they are screw ups, or be told what to do. If you cannot see why, what you are doing is a problem, you will not change; PERIOD!
YOU can fix your marriage. One of the reasons you have a failing marriage (don’t pretend it is less than failing) is because you have not studied marriage, so you don’t understand it as a “thing”. When couples, or individuals, begin studying our marriage program you would be amazed at the positive feedback we get …right away!
The students of our program say things like “I wish I didn’t wait so long…” because they start to see how much they didn’t know. It is like skiing. When I was a kid I was lucky to live where our ski runs were pathetic. Otherwise, I would have killed myself. Later in life, I took a couple of lessons and I was no longer putting my life on the line. And that’s just skiing!
Marriage fixing should indeed be as a do-it-yourself project. But use a manual or course so you know what does what. Then, you will see. Your lives will be so much better!
Fix your broken marriage by reinventing yourself
Hardly any “marriage expert” will tell you this secret of marital success, primarily because they don’t think in those terms.
But it is true!
You CAN fix your broken marriage by reinventing yourself.
Reinventing yourself is not the same as fixing someone who is broken. Although there may seem to be an implication that there is something “wrong” with you, that is not at all the message.
Let me explain
What it meant is that you who are now in your marriage are probably not you who were adored when you got engaged.
Am I right?
I don’t mean the inner you, but the outer you, that your fiance was so enthralled with.
Contrary to what many people think, marriage is not merely a simple relationship that you enter from engagement, after dating. Marriage is a whole new world! It is as different as can be, and it needs special thinking and actions in order to get out of it what you wish. People bring into their marriages the same skills they use in the rest of the world, and discover their marriages are not anything like what they wanted. Not filled with joy, not very harmonious, and certainly not blissful. They don’t understand why. They “give it all they’ve got”, but still, it doesn’t work.
Reminds me of when I was a kid and decided I could fly.
So with all the determination I could muster at 5 or 6 years old, and all the various methods I could imagine, I wasn’t getting off the ground. I flapped my arms with all my might and speed, and jumped of our porch (nearly broke my ankles), and still no flight! But when I was 18, I went to flight school and learned all I needed to fly. Once I learned, it was easy!
Well, marriage is easy, too; when you know how!
This is the reinvent part; learning the how.
Consider this for starters.
Your marriage is a complex entity of at least six different relationships, all with their own rules. Your broken marriage will continue to break until you, sometimes just one of you, takes your marriage seriously enough to put the time into reinventing your approach to your spouse, the marriage, and yourself.
There is an underlying problem to your current snafu.
But the major underlying, and fixable, problem is very few people are “naturals” for marriage. So, all of this has to be learned. Otherwise, you will be flapping your arms in very creative ways, but will never get off the ground.
Marriage counseling will likely not work for your marriage.
Usually couples get into those because they think along the lines of “I’m not perfect, but they did this, or are always doing that”. Your sessions will not be productive because “human nature” is such that taking blame is very tough, and in those sessions couples are, at best, trying to find “fair”, which does not exist. In fact you will end up going deeper into your broken marriage, as the marriage counselors rarely are well trained.
By now you’ll realized that it doesn’t matter how long you have been married.
Marriages need a very different approach than what is popularly thought. There is a process I came up with to heal your marriage that will work, and it works because it is so obvious it is working as soon as you begin, and then you start to get excited by the prospects; it is hard to beat success and logic.
Here is what one of our new students said only a few days after starting our program.
“The fighting stopped and now I am thinking before I speak. I never thought of doing that before.”
Honestly, there is so much nonsense out there that people who begin our program are amazed at how quickly things change. But the best part is that the changes are permanent. I came up with all our programs because I was a divorce mediator who shifted gears when I saw how many families were collapsing simply because good people had no idea how to be married. When I searched for scientific methods for healing marriages I found NONE! So I created it myself. Now, the experts who review my work call it, above all, “practical”. That means it does what it is suppose to do. Imagine that!
Some couples who use our guidance begin with only the wife, or less often, the husband, taking the program. But I should not say “the” program because there are really two; one for husbands and the other for wives. In these cases we hope the other will see big changes and eventually join in. That is usually how it works when marriages turn around. But even if not, the one who takes the program is not pulling the whole marriage, but rather setting the example.
Even when couples work on their marriage “together” it is the individual effort one makes on themselves that really heals the marriage. You inevitably reinvent yourself. Then, when you know how to be married, you have a great marriage.
How to Reinvent Yourself to Fix Your Broken Marriage
The first step is to learn about marriage.
How can you fashion yourself into the perfect married person if you don’t understand marriage?
For this you can use a marriage help book that doesn’t just make fun of marriage (like “Men are from Mars”). Books like that are fine for entertainment.
But have you ever heard anyone tell you “that book has changed my life, and my marriage is now great?” No, of course not. It’s a fun book, but not useful for a broken marriage.
Right from when I first began helping couples my process worked incredibly well; it is scientific. Some said it was because I was honest with people, but it is much more than that. I took people through a succinct process. Later, I wrote out the process in my first book (2008). So many have been helped because I laid out my process, which in that book is very easy to follow.
A few years later, I wrote a second book for teaching therapists about our system. It contains the same information, but it goes much deeper into the reasons for why we behave we do and what we can do about it.
Here’s a client story I worked with:
One client, whose husband was an Ashley Madison addict, clutched the book to her chest and said, “This book has saved my life.” Her marriage had been in shambles. Her husband had been on that crazy Ashley Madison site, and was dating young women. She was panicked! They had two little children and she had no idea what to do. But she trusted the book, and me, and never gave up on her husband no matter how far out he got (he was “sick”, so the “in sickness and in health” vow was meaningful to her). They are still together, and doing superbly. Though he never went on our program too, he did read the book.
To sum up, reinventing yourself according to what your marriage needs takes more than a resolution, or changing one or two things. It requires definite and scientific effort.
One thought to keep in mind is although some people think a divorce will put an end to the suffering, and the next marriage will be better; or better to live alone, it is rarely true. But they do not realize how much harder it is to live with their imperfections than it is to fix them, thus saving their marriage.
There is always hope until you quit. If you have a broken marriage, don’t give up. Best to take the next step. Get busy learning about marriage and make up your mind to get it right. You can do it.
What have you got to lose?