Hardly any “marriage expert” will tell you this secret of marital success, primarily because they don’t think in those terms. But it is true! You CAN fix your broken marriage by reinventing yourself.
Reinventing yourself is not the same as fixing someone who is broken. Although there may seem to be an implication that there is something “wrong” with you, that is not at all the message.
What is meant is that the you that is now in your marriage is probably not the you who was adored when you got engaged. Am I right? I don’t mean the inner you, but the outer you, that your fiance was so enthralled with.
Contrary to what many people think, marriage is not merely a simple relationship that you enter from engagement, after dating. Marriage is a whole new world! It is as different as can be, and it needs special thinking and actions in order to get out of it what you wish. People bring into their marriages the same skills they use in the rest of the world, and discover their marriages are not anything like what they wanted. Not filled with joy, not very harmonious, and certainly not blissful. They don’t understand why. They “give it all they got”, but still, it does not work.
Reminds me of when I was a kid and decided I could fly. So, with all the determination I could muster at 6 years old, and all the various methods I could imagine, I was not getting off the ground. I flapped my arms with all my might and speed, and jumped of our porch (nearly broke my ankles), and still no flight! But when I was 18 I went to flight school and learned all I needed to fly. Once I learned, it was easy!
Well, marriage is easy, too; when you know how! This is the reinvent part; learning how.
Consider this for starters. Your marriage is a complex entity of at least 6 different relationships, all with their own rules. Your broken marriage will continue to break until you, sometimes just one of you, takes your marriage seriously enough to put the time into reinventing your approach to your spouse, the marriage, and your self. There is an underlying problem to your current snafu. But the major underlying, and fixable, problem is very few people are “naturals” for marriage, so all of this has to be learned. Otherwise you will be flapping your arms in very creative ways, but never get off the ground.
Couples counseling, or marriage counseling if you prefer, will likely not work for your marriage. Usually couples get into those because they think along the lines of “I’m not perfect, but they did this, or are always doing that”. Your sessions will not be productive because “human nature” is such that taking blame is very tough, and in those sessions couples are, at best, trying to find “fair”, which does not exist. In fact you will end up going deeper into your broken marriage, as the marriage counselors rarely are well trained.
It does not matter how long you have been married, either. Marriages need a very different approach than what is popularly thought. There is a process I came up with to heal your marriage that will work, and it works because it is so obvious it is working as soon as you begin, and then you start to get excited by the prospects; it is hard to beat success and logic.
Here is what one of our new students said only a few days after starting our program… “the fighting stopped and now I am thinking before I speak. I never thought of doing that before…”. Honestly, there is so much nonsense out there that people who begin our program are amazed at how quickly things change. But the best part is that the changes are permanent. I came up with all our programs because I was a divorce mediator who shifted gears when I saw how many families were collapsing simply because good people had no idea how to be married. When I searched for scientific methods for healing marriages I found NONE! So I created it myself. Now, the experts who review my work call it, above all, “practical”. That means it does what it is suppose to do. Imagine that!
Some couples who use our guidance begin with only the wife, or, less often, the husband, taking the program, But I should not say “the” program because there are really two; one for husbands and the other for wives. In these cases we hope the other will see big changes and eventually join in. That is usually how it works when marriages turn around. But even if not, the one who takes the program is not pulling the whole marriage, but rather setting the example.
Even when couples work on their marriage “together”, it is the individual effort one makes on themselves that really heals the marriage. You inevitably reinvent yourself. Then, when you know how to be married, you have a great marriage.
How To Reinvent Yourself To Fix Your Broken Marriage
The first step is to learn about marriage. How can you fashion yourself into the perfect married person if you do not understand marriage? For this you can use a marriage help book that does not just make fun of marriage (like “Men Are From Mars,” etc). Books like that are entertainment. But have you ever heard anyone tell you “that book has changed my life, and my marriage is now great”? No, of course not. It’s a fun book, but not useful for a broken marriage.
Right from when I first began helping couples my process worked incredibly well;it is scientific. Some said it was because I was honest with people, but it is much more than that. I took people through a succinct process. Later, I wrote out the process in my first book (2008) called Lessons For A Happy Marriage. So many have been helped. Because I laid out my process, which in that book is very easy to follow.
A few years later I wrote a second book for teaching therapists about our system; Breaking The Cycle. It contains the same information, but it goes much deeper into the reasons for why we behave we do, and what we can do about it.
One client I worked with, whose husband was an Ashley Madison addict, clutched the book to her chest and said “this book has saved my life”… Her marriage had been in shambles. Her husband had been on that crazy Ashley Madison site, and was dating young women. She was panicked! They had two little children and she had had no idea what to do. But she trusted the book, and me, and never gave up on her husband, no matter how far out he got (he was “sick”, so the sickness and health rule was meaningful to her). They are still together, and doing superbly. Though he never went on our program too, he did read the book.
Reinventing yourself according to what your marriage needs takes more than a resolution, or changing one or two things. It requires definite and scientific effort.
One thought to keep in mind is although some people think a divorce will put an end to the suffering, and the next marriage will be better; or better to live alone, it is rarely true. But they do not realize how much harder it is to live with their imperfections than it is to fix them, thus saving their marriage.
There is always hope until you quit. If you have a broken marriage don’t give up. Get busy learning about marriage and make up your mind to get it right. You can do it.