Fixing your broken marriage is not the same as fixing a car or your washing machine. When one of those break, and they eventually will, all you need to do is change out the broken parts, and go on your merry way. Boy, it sure would be nice if it were the same for marriages.,,sorry. It does not work like that. But don’t give up hope.
Contrary to what many people think, marriage is not merely a simple relationship, either. Your marriage is a complex entity of at least 6 different relationships, all with their own rules. Your broken marriage will continue to break until you, sometimes just one of you, takes your marriage seriously enough to put the time into reinventing your approach to your spouse, the marriage, and your self. There is an underlying problem to your current snafu, but the major underlying, and fixable problem, is very few people are “naturals” for marriage, so it has to be learned.
Couples counseling, or marriage counseling if you prefer, will likely not work for your marriage. Usually couples get into those because they think along the lines of “I’m not perfect, but they did this, or are always doing that”. Your sessions will not be productive because “human nature” is such that taking blame is very tough, and in those sessions couples are, at best, trying to find “fair”, which does not exist. In fact you will end up going deeper into your broken marriage, as the marriage counselors rarely are well trained.
Marriages need a very different approach than what is popularly thought. It does not matter how long you have been married, either. There is a process to heal your marriage that will work, and it works because it is so obvious it is working as soon as you begin, that you start to get excited by the prospects; it is hard to beat success and logic. Here is what one of our new students said only a few days after starting our program… “the fighting stopped and now I am thinking before I speak. I never thought of doing that before…”. Honestly, there is so much nonsense out there that people who begin our program are amazed at how quickly things change. But the best part is that the changes are permanent.
Some couples begin with only the wife, or husband taking the program, But I should not say “the” program because there are really two; on for husbands and the other for wives. In these cases we hope the other will see big changes and eventually join in. That is usually how it works when marriages turn around. But even if not, the one who takes the program is not pulling the whole marriage, but rather setting the example.
Even when couples do work on their marriage “together”, it is the individual effort one makes on themselves that really heals the marriage. You have to reinvent yourself to have a great marriage.
How To Reinvent Yourself To Fix Your Broken Marriage
The first thing to do is learn about marriage. How can you fashion yourself into the perfect married person if you do not understand marriage? For this you need a marriage help book that does not just make fun of marriage (like “Men Are From Mars,” etc). Books like that are entertainment. But have you ever heard anyone tell you “that book has changed my life”? No, of course not. Its a fun book, but not useful for your broken marriage. When I first began helping couples I invented a process that worked incredibly well. Some said I was honest with people, but it was much more than that. I took people through a process that I later wrote out in my book (2008) called Lessons For A Happy Marriage. So many have been helped. Because I laid out my process, which in that book is easy to follow.
A few years later I wrote a second book for teaching therapists about our system; Breaking The Cycle. This book contains the same information, but it goes much deeper into the reasons for why we behave we do, and what
we can do about it. One client (I see clients only rarely now) clutched the book to her chest and said “this book has saved my life”… her marriage was a shambles. Her husband was on that crazy Ashley Madison site, and was dating young women. His wife was panicked! They had two little children and she had no idea what to do. But she trusted the book, and me, and never blew off her husband, no matter how far out he got. They are back together, and doing superbly. Though he never went on our program, which is better than meeting with me, he did read the book.
Reinventing yourself according to what your marriage needs takes more than a resolution, or changing one or two things. It requires definite and scientific effort.
Some people think a divorce will put an end to the suffering, and the next marriage will be better; or better to live alone. They do not realize how much harder it is to live with their imperfections than it is to fix them, thus saving their marriage.
I have seen marriages heal that nobody thought had any hope. But there is always hope until you quit. If you have a broken marriage don’t give up. Get busy learning about marriage and make up your mind to get it right. You can do it.