How To Fix A Broken Marriage

Can you really fix a broken marriage?

A broken marriage is right up there among the top pain producers. So if your marriage is heading in that direction it is time to act, right away.

How To Fix A Broken Marriage

 

Most couples put off marriage help thinking there is nothing they can do, or that things will somehow fix themselves over time.

But it is not like that.

There is a law of momentum to consider.

Imagine what it would be like if a car starts rolling, and you quickly stick a rock or log under the tire (I have seen people stick their foot under it) the car will stop. But if you are too late the car gets away from you.

That is the law of momentum, in action.

When I was a divorce mediator I had finally seen enough. I wanted to help others. I started with one couple, and with their cooperation and patience I was able to finally define just why couples have troubles, and what they can do about it. From them, I went on to gain quite a reputation for really fast, and really solid marriage mediation, instead of divorce mediation. The first couple are still together, and happy.

With a strong conviction that marriage should be happy, not just something you do, I discovered real and scientifically based help; which you can use. Now we have a thorough understanding of marriage, so your family can benefit, and stay together.

But not only just stay together.

Your marriage can become much better than it ever was. Happiness is what you and your spouse should seek and have.

After a few years of helping couples, I wrote my first book Lessons for a Happy Marriage to help many more couples. That was way back in 2008. Thousands have benefited from it.

You have to be realistic about your marriage.

There is not “one” problem that you need to fix. There are all kinds of things going on that should not be going on. And the good things, like connection and true friendship, which are not going on, should be.

Marriage is not supposed to be just another “thing”.

When it is working according to plan, as we lay out in our marriage help program, and in our books, marriage is spectacular! Marriage, when functioning according to what we have laid out as the natural laws of marriage, produces so much happiness you can barely take it at times. But when you have a broken marriage you are only going to have those great feelings accidentally, and occasionally.

Do you know what you did that made you happy? Not exactly, right?

And so you will not understand what you did that made you happy without the program. Like a kid jumping in behind the wheel of a supercharged car, it will feel great; until it doesn’t; until he hits a tight turn too fast.

And boom!

 

The question is: “Can you really fix a broken marriage?”

Yes, you can fix a broken marriage. But there’s a slight problem.

First, you have to change your perspective. You have to admit you do not truly know how to be married; and that is not easy to do. But when marriage is working according to design, it will not be chaotic or insecure. What is needed is a new look at your marriage. You need to start seeing what works, and doesn’t. Going after this problem, and that one …won’t work.

When you know how to build and sustain your marriage it will be fixed and ALL the troubles will evaporate. The hard part is that when you run into trouble your first reaction is to get out of the trouble you are in. It is an emergency. So people try to get out of the immediate danger. Then, they usually relapse, repeat the cycle a few times and end up divorced.

This is where couples counseling fails so many.

Most marriage family therapists don’t get at the root causes within the marriage. They ask, “what is going on”. But what is going on now doesn’t really tell anyone anything. In fact, I have been helping many therapists become true marriage experts, and wrote a special book for them, which anyone can read of course, called Breaking the Cycle. It is more extensive than Lessons for a Happy Marriage, but some people prefer it.

My way is to deal with the emergencies by using special techniques to stop everything, and while there are no more conflict behaviors distracting you, you learn how to build your marriage the right way. Almost anyone (those who can go on to have a great marriage and those who don’t end up divorced) can do this.

Truly, the couples who are successful do not know any special secrets.

They just know marriage is something that has to be approached intelligently and systematically. That is where we come in. The study of marriage is not difficult, but it does take some effort. But I will also tell you this;

The effort you make to fix a broken marriage is a lot less than the pain endured if you don't. Click To Tweet

Most people wait too long before seeking help. But this is a big mistake. Once a marriage begins to slide downhill, it picks up momentum, sliding faster and faster. Honestly, some couples don’t contact us until their marriage is in free fall.

Some people think they can “wait out” the problem, or that it will go away on its own. They don’t realize that so many hidden factors have brought them to this point that this never works out.

You need help ASAP!

We literally get panic emails along the lines of “my wife left me two weeks ago and I just need to know what to say so she will come back.” It isn’t anyone’s fault when they wait too long, but please don’t put off your efforts to save your marriage any longer.

Nearly all the problems you face, even big ones like cheating, are resolvable.

These issues are painful, but didn’t happen due to the reasons you think. As soon as you study the core principles of what makes a marriage work, and practice our proprietary techniques, your marriage will start improving.

You are at a crossroads. It is up to you what you do next.

First of all, before you begin fixing your broken marriage, we encourage you to write in (FREE of charge), and ask if your problem is easily solved. If it’s a simple one, we’ll provide you some suggestions. Or you can always get one of our books.

However, if your marriage is deteriorating rapidly, or if you just want to be done with the “wrong way to be married,” it might be well worth taking our online marriage help program. Our program is the most effective and valuable marriage help program there is, and is suitable for every issue.

Whatever you decide, stay in touch with us. We are here to help you. And bear in mind, that your marriage will more than likely be fine as long as you take action now.

The keys at this point are twofold:

  1. You need to learn what works in marriage and what doesn’t, and…
  2. Don’t give up.

Both are equally important. Neither one will work alone.

 

Can I Get Marriage Insurance?

Unfortunately, there probably isn’t a “marriage insurance policy” you can buy from a “marriage insurance broker” like homeowners insurance. But if you really want to know if your marriage will last, just bear with me, because I’m going to show you how and help you with that!

Marriage insurance is real!

Think about it: Who wants to get married and face a 50/50 risk that their marriage will fail?

Is there any compensation that would satisfy you if your marriage failed, your family collapsed, or your children suffered?

Can money really ease the pain of marriage failure?

NO!

Don’t believe those who tell you divorce is normal, because it isn’t normal to fail when it comes to something this important.

We don’t give out advice or tips.

Instead, we teach you all about marriage, as though it is a “thing” that can be understood and operated. We know it is not typical thinking to dissect marriage into parts and make it mechanical, but it works to do so.

Marriage is not a mystery to us, and it won’t be for you.

The point is people can study anything they want; multiple topics exist that people can learn about. Some get into the minutia of things most people already consider minutia, like the follicles of arm hair. Luckily, you don’t need to worry about that level of study when it comes to marriage, although you can dig deep if you want.

You do need to have enough general knowledge to understand everything your spouse says, and why. You need to understand the purposes and goals of marriage so you are not just living it day to day without reaping the incredible benefits.

We can teach you all you need to know about marriage; it is easy to learn. We make it simple, because it actually is simple.

 

Marriage Education Is Your Marriage Insurance

You have to start your marriage education with knowledge of the possible dangers, the pitfalls.

It is like going on a hike and knowing which rocks may be hiding a rattlesnake, or knowing which berries are poisonous, so you can avoid them. A marriage analogy would be learning that when your spouse speaks harshly to you, the first step is not to react. Since minds “react,” you cannot tell whose mind is reacting. It is not how either of you truly feels; it is just a momentary, dangerous situation, a pitfall.

One-step-at-a-time Kind Of Education

You need to get educated in a very practical manner by learning the most important things first. Then, you can slowly expand your knowledge to the point where you understand your marriage so well that your lives are natural and fulfilling. That happens much faster than you think!

 

What if I’m still not convinced about marriage education?

Can I fix my marriage as a Do-It-Yourself project?

Actually, that it is a great question!

The idea of fixing your marriage as a do-it-yourself project is spot on!

The reasons it’s a good idea are pure logic, even though marriage and family therapists may disagree. But remember, they (the therapists) make their livelihood by “helping you” heal your marriage, so they have a personal reason for not supporting you healing your marriage as a DIY project.

So let’s look at the whole thing point by point:

  1. Marriages either function well, or not. Unlike a car, or even a human body, which may have “parts” that fail, or need help, a marriage is more like an organization of its parts. All of them should be working harmoniously. Working on one issue, or extrapolating one or two complaints, only creates more friction. It has the opposite of the effect you desire.
  2. You two are the only ones who can change anything. Even though an outside professional can describe a flaw in your thinking or behavior, they cannot begin to know the true impact it has on you, or what you do has on your spouse. Marriage is closed enterprise. Just you two.
  3. Knowledge gives you insight. Instruction gives you attitude. One thing is for sure; nobody wants to be told they are screw ups, or be told what to do. If you cannot see why, what you are doing is a problem, you will not change; PERIOD!

YOU can fix your marriage. One of the reasons you have a failing marriage (don’t pretend it is less than failing) is because you have not studied marriage, so you don’t understand it as a “thing”. When couples, or individuals, begin studying our marriage program you would be amazed at the positive feedback we get …right away!

The students of our program say things like “I wish I didn’t wait so long…” because they start to see how much they didn’t know. It is like skiing. When I was a kid I was lucky to live where our ski runs were pathetic. Otherwise, I would have killed myself. Later in life, I took a couple of lessons and I was no longer putting my life on the line. And that’s just skiing!

Marriage fixing should indeed be as a do-it-yourself project. But use a manual or course so you know what does what. Then, you will see. Your lives will be so much better!

 

Fix your broken marriage by reinventing yourself

Hardly any “marriage expert” will tell you this secret of marital success, primarily because they don’t think in those terms.

But it is true!

You CAN fix your broken marriage by reinventing yourself.

Reinventing yourself is not the same as fixing someone who is broken. Although there may seem to be an implication that there is something “wrong” with you, that is not at all the message.

 

Let me explain

What it meant is that you who are now in your marriage are probably not you who were adored when you got engaged.

Am I right?

I don’t mean the inner you, but the outer you, that your fiance was so enthralled with.

Contrary to what many people think, marriage is not merely a simple relationship that you enter from engagement, after dating. Marriage is a whole new world! It is as different as can be, and it needs special thinking and actions in order to get out of it what you wish. People bring into their marriages the same skills they use in the rest of the world, and discover their marriages are not anything like what they wanted. Not filled with joy, not very harmonious, and certainly not blissful. They don’t understand why. They “give it all they’ve got”, but still, it doesn’t work.

Reminds me of when I was a kid and decided I could fly.

So with all the determination I could muster at 5 or 6 years old, and all the various methods I could imagine, I wasn’t getting off the ground. I flapped my arms with all my might and speed, and jumped of our porch (nearly broke my ankles), and still no flight! But when I was 18, I went to flight school and learned all I needed to fly. Once I learned, it was easy!

Well, marriage is easy, too; when you know how!

This is the reinvent part; learning the how.

Consider this for starters.

Your marriage is a complex entity of at least six different relationships, all with their own rules. Your broken marriage will continue to break until you, sometimes just one of you, takes your marriage seriously enough to put the time into reinventing your approach to your spouse, the marriage, and yourself.

There is an underlying problem to your current snafu.

But the major underlying, and fixable, problem is very few people are “naturals” for marriage. So, all of this has to be learned. Otherwise, you will be flapping your arms in very creative ways, but will never get off the ground.

Marriage counseling will likely not work for your marriage.

Usually couples get into those because they think along the lines of “I’m not perfect, but they did this, or are always doing that”. Your sessions will not be productive because “human nature” is such that taking blame is very tough, and in those sessions couples are, at best, trying to find “fair”, which does not exist. In fact you will end up going deeper into your broken marriage, as the marriage counselors rarely are well trained.

By now you’ll realized that it doesn’t matter how long you have been married.

Marriages need a very different approach than what is popularly thought. There is a process I came up with to heal your marriage that will work, and it works because it is so obvious it is working as soon as you begin, and then you start to get excited by the prospects; it is hard to beat success and logic.

Here is what one of our new students said only a few days after starting our program.

“The fighting stopped and now I am thinking before I speak. I never thought of doing that before.”

Honestly, there is so much nonsense out there that people who begin our program are amazed at how quickly things change. But the best part is that the changes are permanent. I came up with all our programs because I was a divorce mediator who shifted gears when I saw how many families were collapsing simply because good people had no idea how to be married. When I searched for scientific methods for healing marriages I found NONE! So I created it myself. Now, the experts who review my work call it, above all, “practical”. That means it does what it is suppose to do. Imagine that!

Some couples who use our guidance begin with only the wife, or less often, the husband, taking the program. But I should not say “the” program because there are really two; one for husbands and the other for wives. In these cases we hope the other will see big changes and eventually join in. That is usually how it works when marriages turn around. But even if not, the one who takes the program is not pulling the whole marriage, but rather setting the example.

Even when couples work on their marriage “together” it is the individual effort one makes on themselves that really heals the marriage. You inevitably reinvent yourself.  Then, when you know how to be married, you have a great marriage.

 

How to Reinvent Yourself to Fix Your Broken Marriage

The first step is to learn about marriage.

How can you fashion yourself into the perfect married person if you don’t understand marriage?

For this you can use a marriage help book that doesn’t just make fun of marriage (like “Men are from Mars”). Books like that are fine for entertainment.

But have you ever heard anyone tell you “that book has changed my life, and my marriage is now great?” No, of course not. It’s a fun book, but not useful for a broken marriage.

Right from when I first began helping couples my process worked incredibly well; it is scientific. Some said it was because I was honest with people, but it is much more than that. I took people through a succinct process. Later, I wrote out the process in my first book (2008). So many have been helped because I laid out my process, which in that book is very easy to follow.

A few years later, I wrote a second book for teaching therapists about our system. It contains the same information, but it goes much deeper into the reasons for why we behave we do and what we can do about it.

Here’s a client story I worked with:

One client, whose husband was an Ashley Madison addict, clutched the book to her chest and said, “This book has saved my life.” Her marriage had been in shambles. Her husband had been on that crazy Ashley Madison site, and was dating young women. She was panicked! They had two little children and she had no idea what to do. But she trusted the book, and me, and never gave up on her husband no matter how far out he got (he was “sick”, so the “in sickness and in health” vow was meaningful to her). They are still together, and doing superbly. Though he never went on our program too, he did read the book.

To sum up, reinventing yourself according to what your marriage needs takes more than a resolution, or changing one or two things. It requires definite and scientific effort.

One thought to keep in mind is although some people think a divorce will put an end to the suffering, and the next marriage will be better; or better to live alone, it is rarely true. But they do not realize how much harder it is to live with their imperfections than it is to fix them, thus saving their marriage.

There is always hope until you quit. If you have a broken marriage, don’t give up. Best to take the next step. Get busy learning about marriage and make up your mind to get it right. You can do it.

What have you got to lose?

Paul Friedman
Paul Friedman
Founder, The Marriage Foundation
Paul devised an entirely new approach to marriage that empowers individuals to finally understand and cultivate expanding happiness and love in their marriages.

He has written two books, produced several video educational programs, regularly speaks on marriage, and founded The Marriage Foundation as a non-profit organization.

Our mission is to end divorce by spreading Paul's revolutionary marriage system around the world. We have helped thousands of individuals and couples for nearly 20 years and in over 45 countries.

87 thoughts on “How To Fix A Broken Marriage

  1. Russell Byrd Reply

    I’ve been married 19 years I’m a fairly easy going person and don’t think I’ve changed much other than getting older and less tolerant of nit-pick stupidity we lost a child alittle over a year ago and I think that this is part not all but part of the problem my wife thinks I’ve changed and think of no one but myself we are also raising two small grandkids one with special needs I need and want to fix our marriage terribly because our grandkids need us and I don’t want to get a divorce

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Russell
      Losing a child is a huge deal, especially for mom. I’m not sure if you reading one of my books will be enough for you, but it will at least give you some insights you don’t have now. If you can change some things with that as a guide, great. Otherwise you may want to get the course for men. But by all means be a lot more patient with your wife. She needs your love and support, not your instruction. And so do your grandchildren… you can contact our counselors, too.

      • Kc Reply

        My husband has gone through one addiction after another. The day we met 12 yrs ago he stopped using drugs then he began to drink then it became card games and now it is playstation video games. He ignores the kids and myself and has had an affair. Now he is having an emotional affair with another woman a few hours away and doesnt think he did anything wrong. When I discovered this affair I got rid of the games and now he wants out but has no where to go. He tells me he wants to make it work if i change and is very condisending and rude to the kids and me. I want to fix it but everything I try he says is fake. He places all the blame on everyone but himself and demands trust but I dont know how.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          You have been really going through it with the man you chose to marry, even though you obviously knew he was immature. This is not altogether unusual. Some women think they can fix their husbands or they will change not realizing that individuals must change themselves. Your husband chose one escape after another and now you are here, again.

          I do not know what will help you through this. Hopefully, you and the kids do not react or demonstrate anger or emote outwardly. Hopefully, you all see your husband compassionately and not angrily. ..It would not hurt for you to develop a parallel life with the kids that is more fulfilling than the dynamics you have all lived with so far… you have my prayers.

    • Alicia Reply

      Thank you yes I agree. It took time but you have great points only person my husband will listen to

  2. Bay Reply

    When my husband gets mad and says ugly words to me and he never admits his wrong doings only mine.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Bay
      That’s normal. Very few people admit it when they are “wrong”. It is best to consider this so you do not create even more anger. If you are an angel you will be understanding, even though he is wrong.

  3. T. Mason Reply

    My husband refuses to communicate with me . Everything is always his way or no way .We have been married for over 18yrs. Kids are grown and out of the house . Lately he has been cranky and distant . He’s drinking more now and has been on his phone a lot . But to him everything is fine as long as I leave him alone .When I do try to talk to him about things that I am feeling he shuts down gets highly irritated and defensive . He sits in his chair for hours at a time . Watching television while I pour my heart out to him. He will get up and go to bed without a word spoken . He is a rock. The question is. Do I continue to beat my head on this rock ? Please help

  4. Cedric Reply

    I been married 11yrs and we been together for 14 years altogether. Recent I was calling and texting another lady never tried to sleep with her nor did I say something out the norm just being a friend. My wife found out she asked me who it was I lied about the name, and I also deleted the text message. But I recovered the messages and showed them to her. She wants a divorce. But I don’t I’m nothing without wife and kids. I don’t want her to leave it’s the end of me if she does

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Cedric
      What did you expect?? It is reasonable for her to want to call it quits because not only did you betray her, you don’t show any contrition…

      BUT

      If you have children it is a higher morality for her to stay with you in spite of your “leaving her”, which is what you did.

      We have not found a way to convince women to stay no matter what. Women, once they make up their mind to leave always do.

  5. j.b. Reply

    ive been married to my wife for a little over 20 years now. as the years goes by it feels like im pushing her away. we use to go out alot now we dont have time due to opening a buisness. we have 4 kids which are all grown now and a couple of them moved out. ive noticed a problem in our marriage a few years ago. we dont talk to each other the way we should be. im an affectionate i love to hug and kiss on my wife but she pushes me away or act like shes just not into me anymore. i tried to talk to her but she says its not me its her shes not happy with herself. is there anything i can do to fix this before i lose her forever

  6. Vanessa Reply

    I’ve been married for 8 years but we’ve been together for 15 years. We have 4 children and my husband is giving up on our marriage. My husband was deported in 2009 and we’ve been apart pretty much our whole marriage. We are now living together and it’s too tough for him because he wants to split. I have a lot of trust issues because he has been unfaithful, I want to work on our marriage but he feels like he’s given 100% and doesn’t think we will work out anymore. I don’t want a divorce. He thinks that is the only way to fix this.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Vanessa
      Your situation is very tough because you have been apart so long. Naturally, there are so many things you do not know about him and I’m sure there are lots of things you do, but tried to give the short version.
      If he is in the home you do have an opportunity to reconnect. But its like starting from scratch. I would recommend you see this as an opportunity. Perhaps you can win his love.

  7. SS Reply

    My husband has cheated many times and is an addict. We have children and I cant give up. He is sick and want my marriage to work. I filed for divorce but stopped it in hopes for change and a couple months later I moved out but we are still trying. We used to fight all the time. We talk more now. However, he says this is all alot because he is moving back in but wont explain what alot is. I am trying to stay positive and be there when he is ready to talk and not be pushy. He wants to hang out with friends by himself alot and i dont feel like that is a good idea. I think we should be spending time together to figure this out and fix our marriage. Is it to late?

  8. Paul Friedman Post authorReply

    Hi SS
    I’m not sure if you mean that your husband is a sex addict (or something) or if he is addicted to a substance.

    If he is addicted to substance, whether its drugs (legit or not) or alcohol, his heart is closed off AND the substances cause a cycle of degeneration that cannot be stopped until the addicted one has hit their bottom, and stops… it happens all the time.

    If you are saying he is addicted to his habits, that is not the same. He can be helped by you being more loving and connected yourself. The next step for you is to begin learning about the heart, mind, and soul… don’t worry about the symptoms at this point. Your heart is in the right place, so you will do well if you progress with intentions of being the best wife… which is about being tied to your heart, more than how you “treat” your husband.

    Here, this explanation may help you understand better https://youtu.be/WdJ6a_6_FSU

  9. Breanna Reply

    Hello. My name is Breanna. My husband and I have been married 4 years now. I just caught him paying prostitues for sex in crack motels. I have caught him cheating endless times and have even left him an gotten my own home. Only to have him crying for me back doing all the right things making me believe he has changed and BAM! I catch him again. We are together all the time and have what I thought an amazing relationship. Each time it’s a shock to me because of how great everything seems. My therapist believes from the things I have told and showed her that he has a sex addiction problem. He always apologizes, says he’ll change an blah blah yet I find myself going through it constantly. My biggest frustration is When i catch him I don’t just make assumptions. This time I found videos, emails, hotel receipts, text messages, everything. Yet he still denies black and white proof to my face as If i am stupid. So why apologize if he is saying he did not do it? I am tired of feeling as if I am the problem when I clearly am not. I feel I can never compete with someone with a sex addiction problem. We have sex literally almost everyday, yet he still cheats. What can I do? Is this fixable? Should I run and never look back? I am at my whits end.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You are going through Hell!
      The problem is not in the details, or you having sex with him, or him being addicted to sex. You cannot be addicted to sex, just be habituated, which is NOT the same thing.

      The REAL problem, as there is only one, is that the two of you have no idea how to be married. You don’t know what to do because we don’t have the general knowledge in society to gain any perspective or direction.

      What you must do now is study marriage, how your mind works, and all the other aspects of marriage so you can make it happen. And, you don’t need to point the finger, unless you want a divorce.

      Have you at least gotten one of my books? But what you really need is the course… write to our counselors for more direction, but no, you should not give up.

  10. Sheryl Reply

    I left my husband almost 3 years ago because of his affair with his assistant. He tried to everything to win me back and promised that he already stopped. We had 2 children one is 11 yrs now and the other one is 4 years. I accepted him. And now after almost 3 years being happy together i saw a picture of him and the other woman along with a 7mos.old baby who exactly looks like my husband. Its her baptismal and my husband was there seems very happy in the pictures.they had many pics together along with the womans family and my husband is carrying the baby all times. I confronted him and he keeps denying that the baby is his despite that the baby’s face looks like him. He even denies a communication with the other woman despite in the picture shes hugging and holding him…i see from my husband face how happy he is and how comfortable he is with her and her family. Now im in so much depression and i dont know what to do. Even my kids are affected. I wanted to run away everytime and lea ve him so that they can both be happy. I dont know what to do now he says he will never leave us whatever happened and he loves me….i cant decide right now and whatever i do i couldnt forget how he betrayed me with the same woman eventhough i gave him another chance to prove himself to me. I hope u can help me. Im so tired and everything is a mess right now.

  11. Scott Sutherland Reply

    After nearly 8 years of marriage my Wife has asked me to leave, we have become unloving, she feels controlled, we don’t communicate and I’m an angry and aggressive person with her and our children. She feels she has given me every chance to change and I fail everytime, I actually didn’t think I loved her anymore but over the past week or so I’ve realised that my Wife means everything to me, I have forgotten how to make her feel loved and appreciated, I want to make this work but ultimately I just want her to be happy regardless of how that makes me feel. Right now she’s cold being strong despite my desire to fix things, she needs time and I need to change. Please help me

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Scott
      I pray its not too late. But your only chance, and it may be too late, is for you to take the men’s course. But do NOT ask your wife to take the woman’s side, nor tell her what you are doing, as it that would only make her less trusting of you.
      Go to this video I put together, so you know what you are getting into. https://youtu.be/WdJ6a_6_FSU

      • Randy Reply

        We’ve been married for 2 years and have 2 kids with another on the way. Things got rocky about a year ago when I lost me job for watching pornography. She views it as cheating and I never did so I didn’t respect how she felt about it. Since then we did alright for a while but it began to get worse. I continued viewing pornography and she began talking to her ex husband in sexual ways. We have had the police at our house on a couple occasions.she was arrested the last time. We have been separated for about a month now and she took the kids and moved. Due to her bail conditions I can’t speak to her and the third party ignores everything I say to her. I miss my wife and children and I’m afraid the ex is back in the picture again. I don’t know what to do because I want it to work out but I don’t think she does

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Randy,
          The details do not seem to matter, as we have our own informal micro-study of what is possible, and what seems out of reach. When a wife moves on to another man it has been our experience that she does not come back.
          I don’t want to discourage you, but we have not seen otherwise. I am sorry.

  12. Trinette Capone Reply

    I just found this link. Everything you wrote is so true. Our first reactions are leave, get out, so what, etc. He always says no to spending time together, but when he wants to do something he expects yes. It is very hurtful that we should be doing more. I am harsh with words just like him. I want my marriage and this failure did not happen overnight. I want to see where I need correction, and truly understand what marriage is about. My children have grown up witnessing dysfunction.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      It isn’t anyone’s fault, because the ideas of marriage and how to make them work are so off in society. But it IS within your power to heal everything. If your marriage is far gone you will need the help provided by the course we put together for you, which I explain in this video.

      Otherwise, use one of my books to get educated. But be careful. If you are in serious trouble and try to patch things you will make it worse.

  13. Jenny Golder Reply

    Unfortunately after almost 22 years of marriage and raising our children, me surviving a massive stroke, going through many financial ups and downs I am afraid my husband and I have just grown too far apart. He has become so bitter towards life that every conversation somehow turns to an argument no matter what, I get defensive, he never seems happy I push more it’s a continuous circle. There is no resolution since communication is so dysfunctional. I have shut down to avoid the fights.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Jenny
      I know it may seem like that now, but it all has to do with perspective and insights. Trust me, I have seen much “worse” completely turn around.
      You both have so much invested, and are so young. You can have an amazing life starting now. Don’t even think about giving up! Put all your energy into making your marriage the happiest part of your life. I have seen it and know what we share will work for you, too.

    • Krystal lynn nalley Reply

      I’m not sure what to do anymore me and my husband have been fighting a lot and when I go to talk to him calmly and say that what we are doing is not working so we need to change something before it ends in a divorce I start off by saying can we talk and I can see in his face he doesn’t want to I start by saying I know things have been getting bad but let’s start really getting down to the bottom of it and talk this out and be nice and stay positive things but every time I go to try to talk to him he says nothing but negative things like he will say we have tried this and nothing changes and if I go to work today stressed out I’m going to lose my job or when he says he is a piece of crap and its always him just nothing comes out of his mouth but negative I want this to work but I’m at my breaking point cause he won’t put the faith an effort into saying positive an fixing this marriage please I need advice

      • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

        Talk will do nothing to fix your marriage You can only fix it by changing yourself to a great spouse and you do that by taking our course for women. Go here https://themarriagefoundation.org/ and learn what you need to do. Why keep talking??

  14. T. M. Reply

    Paul,I just want to say thank you for posting these comments. They have given me confidence, insight, reassurance and HOPE. I have been married for just over 22 years and we are in the process of divorce. I don’t want it! We argue whenever we’re supposed to be”talking”, I end up crying because of something hurtful he’s said and that makes him more upset so it keeps going on. Eventually, I tell him I don’t want to do this anymore(argue), then shutdown. He has now told me I’ve said I don’t want anything to do with him anymore or this relationship. He’s moving in with another woman and we’re not even divorced yet. We haven’t even discussed the divorce fully. He’s blamed me for everything wrong in our relationship and states I’ve less him to this. I feel with him, I never do anything right it’s always wrong or he would have done things another way. I am a very affectionate person and have hardly ever been able to receive the same affection from him. Do you think there is any saving this or if it’s even worth saving or trying? I don’t know what to do!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear TM
      Absolutely there is hope, even at this stage where your husband is moving in with his girlfriend. But you cannot expect him to respond to the you he is leaving. So many make the same mistake of applying all kinds of excuses, resentment, and their own sense of righteous indignation, when they should start working on themselves with the true idea that they were quite imperfect as a wife.

      Don’t give up. But don’t put off your work either. Get busy! I have laid out the path and process in minute detail in the the course. All you have to do is follow it sincerely.

      Stay in touch with our counselors!

  15. James Reply

    Hi Paul,
    We have been married for over 30 years and now the marriage is on the rocks to say the least. My wife keeps saying it is over and finished and insisting that she does not want to try to fix it anymore. Every time I talk to her about doing something different to make it work she says “it is done and over and I will not change my mind”. Is there anything that can be done to save the marriage when she is insisting that it is over!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Hi James
      “A woman convinced against her will is of the same opinion still” This is not true for when men say its over; interesting. Of course the reasons are scientific, but that does not matter to you at the moment.
      You may look at your behaviors, to see what is driving the wedge. I would suggest getting one of my books so you have a comparison. Maybe its not too late…

  16. Elly Reply

    Paul, My husband and I have been married for 2 years now. We’re expecting a baby in July, im currently 5 &1/2 months pregnant. My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately & we’ve been here before. We’ve said we would change but end up back in this place every time. Now my husband is saying he doesn’t ever see it changing & wants a divorce. I’ve read your article and watched your videos & I feel like I know where we’ve been going wrong. We don’t keep things consistent to make things better in the long run. I’ve told him to give me a chance to work on myself & he just says we’ve tried that & he doesn’t see it changing so he doesn’t even want to give it a try. He tells me he doesn’t have any feelings there for me anymore. What can I do to help my relationship? I’ve been trying to work on myself but I don’t think he sees it cause he’s so stuck on his point of view. Please help.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      This is a lesson I learned very early on, that the desire to change, no matter how sincere, is overridden by habits and instincts. It is what ends marriages, because it is so logical to change that we cannot imagine its not possiblle without addressing it specifically. That’s what I did. I realized it has to be first order of process in healing a marriage, so thats what you will do when you, not your husband, takes the course. There is no other sure way.

  17. DC Reply

    Paul, my wife and I have been married for 4 years now 8 in total. She walk out on me this past week. Says she doesn’t know if she’s still “in love” with me. However, she says she loves me. Also, she said that there are other issues with our marriage but, she’s not sure what they are. when we met I told her I didn’t want kids I had a 7 year old from a previous relationship. we bought our house in July of 2012 and got married 9/20/14. she is a wonderful women and loves my daughter as her own. Now she wants a child of her own which I understand and respect! Im lost right now and don’t know what do. Id give anything to save my marriage and make her happy. is it too late? should I let her go?
    I feel helpless right now! I just want her to come back home so, we can continue building our lives together.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      DC
      The desire a woman has to have children is built in biologically. You say you would do anything, but it seems that is not the case. So, you need to be both honest and fair.
      I also pick up clear indications of a lack of understanding of her needs, and the “requirements” of marriage, that makes a marriage heaven on Earth. You need to, at the very least, read one of my books. If you want to try to heal your marriage you will have to do nothiing less than take our course.

      I hope this helps you.

  18. Brittany S. Reply

    Dear Paul,
    My husband and I have been together for going on 7 years. We have been married for going on 5 years now. We have a 5 year old, and a 2 year old. We have been having issues, because i have been taking him for granted. I have not been communicating with him on my feelings, and not being honest. I love him still, even when he treats me like a child, and not getting me the respect and responsibility that I need to share with him. I have been doing this since before we got married, and he is starting to not care about our marriage. He has been fighting for our marriage, and I havent been trying as hard. We decided last year that we were going to invite another couple into our bedroom, and on our anniversary we invited another woman to our bedroom. I later found out that he had sex with her by himself while I was asleep. We have been going downhill since than and I dont want our marriage to fail. I dont know what I should do, I need to work on a bunch of stuff with myself and I dont know how to do that. I need help, and I am about to lose him. I dont want that to happen.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Inviting more sex partners into your relationship was disconnected from your desire to reconnect because it undermines trust, respect, and basic morality.

      You are both now so confused about what marriage is and what you are to each other that you need to go back to step one, and learn about marriage AS you learn to be together. The ONLY way to acheive this is with the course I put together. I WISH others had systems like mine, but I have not seen any, so please use it so you don’t continue downhill.

  19. Matt Reply

    I as a husband I have done so many wrongs I cant start to imagine them or how my wife felt. I recently did a self-inventory and so far came up with 108 things I’ve done wrong. I want my marriage to work but it seems I may be too late. My wife says she wants nothing more than that for our kids, and I’m ok but not ok because I want us back. What do I do, or can do, to show her?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Matt,
      What good does it do to count the offenses? I can’t see the benefit. Though I can see the benefit of finding the underlying reasons for your misbehaviors and watching the mind so you don’t repeat the inner, and thus outer, reactions.

      As to what you can do. We always behave according to what we are, and almost nothing will curtail that. It is why we have to change ourselves into what we want to be, instead of the bundle of habits that own us now. Sounds simple, and it’s logical. But you will need some help in this endeavor.

  20. Bianca Reply

    I’ve been having an affair with my husband(of 15 years)bestfriend for the last 4 years. It started as sexting and lead to sneaking around. I started to develop feelings of love for him with every conversation we had. He’s also married and I’m friends with his wife and treat his daughter as my own. My husband caught our messages. He says hes more hurt that i started having feelings more than anything. He then confessed to have a fling 8 years ago that resulted in a pregnancy and adoption. That he didn’t know my love because I was going to school and he worked nights. It was a tough time in our relationship. He said it was a mistake and he never loved her. Mine is worse because I developed feelings. The even worse part, the guy is denying everything and making me out to be crazy. He played me and i feel for it. I truly do love my husband. And want to fix our marriage. He says he loves me but not the same and doesn’t trust me. Im mortified that he’s got an 8 year old(only a year younger the our youngest child) that he kept a secret. What to I do? We still love each other.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      There is always hope. If you have children you should do all you can to remain together. The course might help, but I would not be so bold to assure you that will work in your particular case.

  21. Sarah Reply

    My husband and I have been together over 5 years, we have been married for a little over a year and a half with one child. I woke up the other morning and discovered him right next to me masturbating quietly under the covers to pornography. I feel lied to, betrayed, disrespected and cheated on. I thought we had a loving and open marriage before this with open communication, trust and honesty. He said he has been doing this once a week for about a year. I’m not sure if I believe him when he says that or if more was going on that he isn’t telling me. He is willing to try anything to get our marriage back but I’m not sure it can be recovered after the lies and betrayal that went on for so long. Do you have any advice on steps we can take to recover from this?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Sarah
      Your marriage is not in trouble because of your husband being caught masturbating, but it is GOING TO BE in trouble because of your unloving, hostile, reaction to it. Your reaction indicates that you are so rigid in your expectations that he has to watch every step he takes and be so mindful of his behavior that he is either consciously working towards sainthood, and so welcomes your ‘overseeing’ his behaviors (I am not being sarcastic) or he is stoically enduring your attitudes because of some other reasons. It is likely the latter.

      99 out of 100 psychologists would tell you your husband was probably aching to get caught with the hopes of you recognizing that you are not having enough sexual intimacy with him, either in amount or in depth, or both. I would agree with them. I would say your husband is not desperate, but that this indicator suggests your and his interactions of this kind is hiding a dam that is filling up and WILL eventually break. That you would suggest your marriage is “over” for all intents and purposes over this is a strong call for you, not him.

      I will be blunt, in order to save your marriage, and your baby’s future in an intact family, YOU need to take a good hard look at the lack of human compassion you exhibit by making your whole comment about you being a victim and he is a monster.

      Here is my heartfelt recommendation.

      You, take the woman’s course. It is the only way I know you will have a chance to open your heart to your husband, so you can save yourself, your child, and your marriage.

      Your husband, take the men’s course. It is the only way I know he will be able to adjust his thinking to your behaviors over the long haul.

      To both of you, don’t talk about this, yet. Take your courses for at least a month before you do, and you, Mrs. Sarah, do your best during that time to initiate intimacy with your husband that is heart-centered and more often.

      My prayers are for your family.

  22. Mesha Reply

    Hello. My husband and I have been married for 25 years and have 8 children. There have been multiple affairs and lots of anger, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse all committed by him. I’m tired. The last affair was a few months ago. I don’t have the energy or desire to try anymore. He says he recognizes all that has transpired and wouldn’t blame me for leaving him, but he wants our marriage and will do anything to make it work. We have so much at stake that I’d feel selfish for giving up. I feel like we’ve had to put out so many “big fires” that we haven’t been able to just deal with the normal issues that marriages face. We’ve been in and out of counselors’ offices over the years with no resolution. I don’t want the pain and humiliation that divorce brings but neither do I want another 25 years of the same. He says he’s different so the next 25 years will be different as well. I’m not convinced.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      It breaks my heart that you didn’t find us sooner, but you found us now.
      My approach will be “the” approach of the future as therapists have no business trying to help marriage at all, and you just end up with discouragement. Try my approach! Try the programs. But even if your husband is not interested, you do it yourself. if nothing else you will have a new perspective and be happy. You need to start there, with your own self-contained joyful perspective of life. Don’t give up!

  23. Sulema R Reply

    My husband and I have been married for 2 years together for 4 known each other since we were kids.. he is verbally and physically abusive .. he tells me all the time he’s cheating and doesn’t want want or love me when he is upset and then will deny it all and say it was lies and he’s sorry.he recently admitted to meeting a woman and it was just talking .. swore he was gonna stop contacting her but I found out 3 was later he was still calling/texting her every chance he got .. We have a 2yr old who’s constantly seeing us fight and I’m at the point we’re I just want to leave and never look back .. is there any hope for us

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      It depends. If what you describe as physical abuse is not enough for you to call the authorities you may be exaggerating in your own mind. If he is striking you and its not in self-defense, then you should take your son and go.

  24. Rebecca H Reply

    My husband & I have been together 19yrs, married for 11yrs. We have 3 children – 2 still at home. I have felt very hurt over almost the entirety of our marriage due to him putting himself first in MANY a variety of situations & not considering me PRIOR to making his choice/mistake/desicion. I have openly communicated my feelings in gentle ways while having coffee together & in very emotional ways whilst in tears & practically begging for him to place me a a priority & consideration – he ALWAYS dismisses my reality, sweeps our issues under the carpet & continues on with our life. We love each other dearly, we always remained intimate & affection has always remained in place…however as time went on & his continuous choice making hurt me, I became less initiating in intimacy & affection. 3wks ago I asked him to leave our marital home as a MASSIVE cry for help…..we have sought marriage counselling but after reading here today am worried where it may or may not take us…..😔

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I received virtually all my business as a divorce mediator (SO long ago) form therapists. They destroy marriages! I am glad you heed my warnings.

      What you describe, though very real, is not something you would complain about if you understood marriage better, and proper communications and interactions in particular.

      You, not your husband, is responsible for filtering his communications with you. But you need to understand why that is true if you are to benefit. So, please read one of my books so you can understand the principles.

      BTW, normally I would insist on the course for someone who just ended the marriage, as you wrongfully did, but I think you will only need the book.

  25. Daynee Reply

    Hi Paul,
    My husband & I have been married just over 2yrs, together for 5yrs. Shortly after getting married we stopped being intimate. My fault 100% & I accept that. I’ve had a few surgeries that have affected hormone levels & my moods. So I know that’s caused most of the problem. We’ve had sex just nothing like we did before getting married. Not as often or as passionate. I’m still very attracted to my husband & love him deeply but for some reason there’s a disconnect. My husband said he feels like we’re “roommates” & that we’re “just going through the motions”. Tonight my husband told me he dosen’t think our marriage is working & wants to split up. I’m not 100% healed from my last surgery but at this point I’m desperate to fix things between us. But I’m not sure how to fix the disconnect or identify what the disconnect is. Any advice is greatly appreciated! I don’t want a divorce & I’m willing to do the work to identify the issue & fix it.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Daynee
      You two sound like your communication is fairly open, which is good, but it seems like neither of you knew how to handle the extraordinary events that should not have done anything other than brought you together. If you were not at this “juncture” where he wants to leave I would have said just read either of my books, hopefully together, and even to each other. But the divide has gotten you past where that will work. Now, you need to take the course. It is not “easy”, and you will need to practice patience with him and yourself, but it will work… I am trusting he is not halfway out the door. If he is moving quickly it will still work but you will need a double portion of patience. But the good news is you will soon have your marriage back and it will be better than you ever imagined.
      Stay in touch, Daynee.

  26. Kay Reply

    Husband and I have been together 9 years we have two kids. Both young one 6 one 1 year. Just found out he had a kid outside our marriage. He admitted he had a fling that happened a handful of times and assured me it was over but she randomly popped back up letting him know she had a baby by him that is almost 2. I can work through the kid part but the other girl has been a nightmare in our relationship. She is very bitter and despises me and has admitted she wants my husband. It has taken a huge toll on how I feel anymore. I feel like I have made myself distant from him even though he assured.me he only wants me and he wants our marriage and our family to work through this and come out strong. I just don’t think he sees my view and how hard it is on me right now. How can we work through this when this other female is so hateful. Please help.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Kay,
      I can only offer an “opinion” and hope I’m going to be helpful because the work I have done has been focused on cause and effect found in most situations. Yours is not “most” situations.
      Your attitude towards the other child is loving and mature. That one is easy. The not-so-easy part is the other child because you are caught between helping him or her, and being there for your own children. On one hand the other chid is yours too, but that is a deeply spiritual point of view and yet you have to be loyal to your own biological children first, without harming your husband’s child. That to me is the dilemma, maybe. I think I know how to approach this.

      My opinion is that you need to put all your children first, including the one with the other woman and that means
      1. Become your husband’s wife, which you have not done very well and has to be your first order of business so he stays with you and you with him (take the course!!!). This will protect your children from divorce and create a loving environment for all 5 of you.
      2. Step in front of your husband with the other woman. End your husband communicating with her, at all. You become the other mother, who has a normal relationship with her husband and her husband’s child which is your child, too. The child is entitled to your husband’s family. Forget the woman.

      You will have to get legal. First, get a test done to make sure if that is not already done. Then get a lawyer to create a child sharing plan with the other woman where your husband goes for primary custody (really you going for custody) and this will end her ability to strongarm your family. You be the mother and forget the timing of things. You be the contact and the picker-upper etc. There should be zero communication between your husband and the woman, who will haunt your family if you do not cut her off. I would make that part of the agreement.

      As I read what I wrote it is very clear to me that what I see this is indeed your natural role. I hope you agree. Your children will not judge, they will have a new sibling and you get a new child. But don’t expect your husband to help much. Whether he does or not this is what you need to do. If he is not agreeable, I think he is creating too much destruction for your children.

      If you want to discuss this more you may use this comment section. I’ll pray for you. But, no matter what, your marriage needs at least you to take the course for women. It will help you get through this and be happy.

  27. Josh Reply

    I have been married two years, yes my marriage is on the verge of over. I’ve tried everything counseling, online by yourself programs, nothing helped. She is closed off. We are in the midst of a divorce mediation in a month. We haven’t had the perfect marriage but she found out about an online affair I had this year from Jan to June. We have been trying to work it out but our communication is very bad. We have no trust. She has been gone for 6 months. The break up ended bad but since the filing we have talked, hung out a lot, went to concerts, Christmas lights, then this weekend we planned to go to a concert and she strung me along because she was hanging with her friends. I asked her if we could all hang out and she said no none of my friends like you. I took that person and didn’t want to go the concert because she was changing the time. I felt like I was getting used. She says that is the final straw and wants nothing to do with me. I’ve been trying to give her space, hanging out and being available when she wants to. I am 32 and she is 24. She says she isn’t in love with me anymore but would hang out. I feel like she thinks I keep acting like this around her friends but it makes me think they are trying to wedge between us. I love this woman with all my heart and I just want some guidance if or can I get through to her

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Josh
      It really seems like you have missed one opportunity after another and have imagined that everything was okay after you cheated on your wife. How can it be a perfect marriage if you cheated??
      Take the men’s course. There is still hope for your marriage if you are sincere and really apply yourself to change.

  28. Kris Reply

    I have been married for almost 9 years and have a 7 year old – My husband is a Military vetran and suffres from PTSD and depression. I have asked him numerous times to get help and it never happens – He goes to the VA and gets meds make him feel funny and sleepy so he gives up and stops. i get so aggravated and feel that he is just lazy.
    It has recently come to blows and now per court order we can’t live together right now – I recently started talking to someone and not sure i want to fix it or start over. He is so distraught ….he went and got different meds and is commited to taking them…he wants his family more than anything – but am I wrong that it has been so long I’m not sure I feel the same – Can I fall in love with him again or is it too late?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Kris,
      My heart goes out to your family along with my gratitude for your service to our country. PTSD is so much to bear for the whole family. As his wife, it is even more difficult in some ways because of the inner conflicts. I am sure you want to be there for him through thick and thin, as was your intention when you agreed to your marriage but living in physical danger is just not part of loyalty.
      The love you have for him is eternal. It will always be there but the drive-to-survive is hiding it from you because the fear of bodily harm is too much to ignore. So, the drive hides the love from you and now you must be conscious of how to intelligently progress and deal with the danger.
      Your marriage can and should be saved. If you use the course for women you will know exactly what you need to do, much of your work will be on yourself.

      Don’t give up. The future will be great if you take the course. If your husband wants to take the course for men it will also help him with his PTSD. It may even be able to help him not have to rely on meds.. and there is a large discount for military.

      I’ll pray for your family.

  29. AP Reply

    My husband and I’ve been with each other since we were 13 so 16 years altogether.We argued a lot as teenagers but always managed to fix things.My husband can say some hateful and hurtful words when we are arguing and in return I say stuff back because he hurts me.I immediately say I’m sorry that I said those words out of anger but he never says sorry. He mentioned that that he wasn’t happy because of the arguing and that no couple argues this much.But for the two year and a half we didn’t argue and this last year we started with small arguments and then this big one happened.He mentioned getting a divorce.One moment he can act like he doesn’t care for me and the next moment he does.It can be confusing.A lot of the stuff from the past has been brought up in arguments.At first it was hard for me to let go of the lies he has told me.It wasn’t until recently when I went to a therapist to talk that I started letting go of that pain.He tells me I have trouble letting go of the past and I admit I did but I’m working on that and have been forgiving him little by little.He brings up the past as well but doesn’t think he does.It’s like when he’s angry he blocks out certain things he says.I don’t know if this is normal.I know he is unhappy with his job and I think this could be a cause of why we have been arguing so much.Like he is taking it out on me.He has a good job but he says he isn’t where he wants to be in life.I need advice on how to fix this marriage.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear AP,
      It would be crazy to not point out that if you had faith in your therapist you would not be looking for answers from others. In fact, it has been my experience even from the days when I was a divorce mediator that therapists generally do not understand marriage. Therapists have a higher than average rate of divorce. I think that says it all. So, I am glad you commented and I have the opportunity to help you with your marriage.

      First and foremost I’m glad you agree with your husband that there is something wrong with arguing all the time. Truthfully, the people who take my course never argue at all even when they have disagreements because they learn that their reactions are controllable and that they undermine their happiness when they argue, so why do so.

      In your and your husband’s case, I would love to tell you to just read either of my books but I do not think that would be adequate long term even though it would help you quite a bit. I would prefer you look into taking the course for women. That way I would be sure what you learn will stick forever. The course begins with ‘you’ so it would not only help you with your marriage but it will help you become more balanced, secure and internally joyful.

      I hope you heed this advice. And always know you have my deepest prayers for you and your family.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Only you would know if that is a possibility or just wishful thinking. If it is you need to get ‘marriage’ educated. Use one of my books for that or really push through your “stuff” by getting the course for men.

  30. Jess Reply

    My husband of almost 14 years started to act very distant and was always working late. I found out he cheated on me and even planned on leaving our family. We have 4 sons 12,9,6,5. My husband has changed so much he says hurtful things and really cruel things to me. He has had unprotected sex with the woman he barely knew only maybe 2 months. She told him she had her tubes tied and when I found out about her 1 month later she says she’s pregnant. I told him I could not forgive that part because it was too much for me. Less than a week after she says she had a miscarriage which I knew she was going to do. I knew her tricks before anyone. Anyway so apparently she rejected him after all that and he came back to our home. He sleeps on our couch and said he does because he doesn’t want me to think he’s coming around and changing his mind about never loving me and wanting to be with me. He still says he wants to move out when he can but I don’t know why. There’s so much more to this I just tried to sum it up as much as possible. Is there hope?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Jess,
      Yes, there is plenty of reason to believe your marriage can be turned around. It will take a lot of work on your part as your husband has lost all faith in you and probably for good reasons which you may be not revealing or do not know. Our experience is such that we know with great certainty that you can do this, but it is “hard to believe” because the culture we live in does not know any better. We, on the other hand, have a success rate of over 95%! Get the course for women and allow u the honor of helping you make life wonderful for all in your family. And, don’t worry about what others tell you.

      The fact that your marriage got to this point cannot be ignored and we cannot accept that it “just happened”. Life is cause and effect and so is marriage.

  31. Thomas Drake Reply

    I neglected and destroyed my wife and I’m 100% responsible. I left her and my kids alone while I hide in a chair playing iPad games and chasing what I wanted to do. I neglected her and used pain pills and porn to satisfy my lust because I thought she wasn’t taking care of me. I blamed her for everything. After really looking at this closely, I truly realize how misguided and lost in a world of sin I was. I chose what I wanted over what she needed. When I should’ve been pouring everything I am into loving her. Listening to her, caring for her, holding her, loving her. I’m sure it’s to late for me because I have been a lying deceiver. However, if your a man and reading this. I’d recommend doing everything in your power to pour your being into your wife because this is the water and life a woman needs. She will grow into the amazing woman God designed her to be. Handle her with love and kindness. Listen with everything you have. Read every book you can on becoming a man that loves and pursues his wife. Life really is to short for all the other stuff and your wife and family are really all that matters. Love her with everything you have and your marriage with be a strong flower. Thank you for the blog post!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dearest Thomas
      You have moved me and I am sure others, too. Thank you!
      But now, don’t give up!
      The life of you the soul is eternal and the job of every man is to reunite with God through disciplined self-evolution. That is why we must use marriage as a vehicle for learning to love unconditionally. Use our course, or some other, that teaches you how to be in full control over your mind and all its crazy ways of distracting us from love.
      Be strong, pray, do.
      It is NOT over, whether your marriage is or not. You are still a human being and today is just the beginning. Take the next step, then the next, then the next. Go for happiness. Go for the joy within your soul.

  32. Mike Reply

    I was unfaithful in my marriage went to jail for a year she forgave me now i texted messsage a girl who wanted money for sex my wife found out: i did nothing but talk and text this girl now she wants a divorce is it too late for us.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The trouble is, Mike, that you lied repeatedly and imagine there is a point where the lies go from “important” to “not important” even though you would not tolerate them yourself if the situation were reversed. Until you make great strides to change yourself your wife will likely not be open to discussions about staying together.

  33. Sara Reply

    My husband and me have been married 25 years. We have been neglectful and mean to one another for a lot of that time. Criticism has been a killer for us. My husband wants to find another place to live now. I would have to continue to care for our two sons who are both disabled, and my grand baby. I don’t want to lose my husband, but he says we have nothing in common, my dreams are not his dreams, we are as far opposite as east to west. I want to find hope, but it seems like neither of us want to change and can’t find a way to live together peacefully. I’m so angry, and hurt, and jealous, and just wish we could just finish this journey together. But my husband says, it’s going to be miserable. So will living apart. How will we find hope, or happiness again, will we?! I decided to just focus on me, not him and what he isn’t doing. But I know I’m weak, I yell… but this is all I know how to do. So true what you said, you don’t know how to be married anymore than raising a child.

  34. Paul Friedman Post authorReply

    Sara is not unlike many of us who can clearly see her errors but throws up her hands in defeat saying “what can I do? I don’t want to change.” This obvious self-defeating attitude is all too common and many who say they are willing to change don’t really mean it. They only say so because they know it is unreasonable to not be willing to change. They blame others for their painful circumstances, especially their spouse.

    Sara recognizes her errors and most of us upon not very much self-reflection can see many of our flaws and mistakes, but we are locked in because we don’t want to admit them to ourselves. If only we did so we could change so much sorrow into happiness. But to admit an error triggers our drive-to-survive instincts so we remain stuck in these dark places. Isn’t it true? We don’t want to be called out even by ourselves.

    The road to happiness is one of beneficial actions of thoughts, feelings, and deeds. When we understand that we are essentially souls who have abandoned our responsibility to control our mind’s inner reactions we can regain our control and regain happiness.
    Sara is not weak, as she claims. She is very strong. Just look at what she carries in her life. But, she has allowed her stubborn mind to choose her path for her and so suffers as a result. She knows what she has to do. She has to override her mind and act with love toward her husband instead of as a competitor.

  35. Goli Koloma Reply

    Yes.. I have once been cheating on my wife and want to gain her trust again. Help needed.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Goli asks how to regain his wife’s trust, which is fine. More important, though, is how to become trustworthy.

      Most people wait for a building to collapse before they look for the defects that will make it collapse. My philosophy is to constantly work on the foundation of your marriage so that defects appear which can be eliminated. So it goes that most of our rescued couples have had a brush with the death of their marriage before they wake up to this approach that more than protects their marriage but also brings the bounties they should be reaping.

  36. Susan Box Reply

    I have been married to my husband for nearly 4 years and together for 12. I have 3 older children form previous marriage. When we first got together and i was pregnant with his child, i found out he was with someone else at the same time, who too was pregnant, she did not keep the baby and we tried to continue with our lives together. Our son was diagnosed with a rare brain tumor when he was 5 so i understand for both of us it became a worrying time. But for the past 11 years, usually every 6 months i find out he has been cheating on me with men and women, this is done via dating sites etc He will be constantly attached to his phone and deletes his messages and we will argue/fight. We have split recently and he says he does it because he cant talk to me or be honest, i am always honest and talk to him about how i feel and what we can do to try. I have forgiven him for all these years but will never be able to forget.
    Is my marriage worth saving?? He does not want it to work so now i am heartbroken as to what to do next.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Susan gives a back-story that would be fodder for therapists to use her as a source of cash flow for years which is highly unfair, though very usual. The simple issue is that their marriage is broken and neither of them has any idea of what they should do because they do not know what the goals and vision for marriage are, so they flounder.
      If Susan learned about marriage before her husband had had enough and left she could have easily turned her marriage into a golden life of happiness. But, now, she must go the more difficult route of gaining inner self-balance and self-control which requires the full measure of our course for women as a first step.
      Thankfully, the course will work for them even though they are separated at this point. But this should be a lesson for all who are in a shaky marriage; learn about what you are doing so you can do it right. Then you will not need the course.

  37. Jackie Branch Reply

    I need help! My husband left me and this is second time. I know we both made mistakes but he is saying we need to work on our selves to be happy but my husband doesn’t want to focus on our marriage. It’s very confusing.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Yes, it is confusing because “common knowledge” says that the way to happiness in marriage is by dealing with particular issues, and our approach is to say that the issues would not arise if the marriage as a whole was working well. We are right!
      The logic (and results for 20 years) is simple. There are only two of you feeding the relationship in marriage so if even just one of you is proactively improving the marriage then it will improve and change the momentum of positives. That is why the first step is to work on yourself, become in charge of your emotions and instinctive reactions.
      This is the most effective and efficient way to turn nearly any marriage into the love-filled world of happiness you got married to have in the first place.

  38. Jeannie Maynard Reply

    My children’s father and I have been divorced for 26 years. We most recently began talking to discover that we both still love each other very much. I have been going through a divorce from another man now for 20 months. He is still married but is miserable and for 3 months since he has been back home he is still confused. I believe he is afraid we cant make it. Us talking and spending time together reminded me of how good a relationship can be. What brok us up is he had a few affairs and I had one, neither of us could get past that at the time, but because we discussed this in length (over 6 months probably over 800 hours of talking on phone and some in person) we feel it can be put behind us. Should we try again?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Jeannie is not asking for me to pipe in with a moral evaluation and unless certain behaviors will clearly impact the marriage or children I refuse to tell anyone about their errors based on what is right or wrong. Every individual path of evolution requires experiential education so I stay out of that. Also, she does not notice anything that would indicate a receptivity so I will refrain. My answer will be practical based on what I know about principles and have seen over the years.

      Her ex-husband’s unhappiness in his current marriage is based on the same lack of knowledge that caused his unhappiness 26 years ago. Nothing has changed. Like most people, he is good at presenting himself in a way that sells himself but marriage is not an ongoing sales pitch so his lack of happiness is all we need to know. It is only due to ignorance of what a marriage takes in terms of understanding and knowledge that Jeannie imagines it is only a matter of “right fit”, or some other unimportant consideration.

      Based on what she wrote Jannie would not do well with the man she describes, who is not loyal to his current wife. Why does she think he would he would be loyal to her when his pattern is clear? It is only a “coincidence” that it was she who was wife number one. Her romantic notion of a re-marriage is an illusion that hides the important fact that he is a married man who is romancing another woman. And, she is a woman who is getting romantic with a married man. If they get together it would be a re-do.

  39. Arren Reply

    Hye Paul..I have been married for 7 years and have one beautiful daughter.Then one day he cheated on me through the chat in some games he play.He ask for divorce then quickly regret it after the women found out that he is married.I have been in physical fight with him that one day.I just don’t know what to do anymore.Should I just quit and ask for divorce or should I give him another chance?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Neither of the two options Arren gave to me is very good. I would not go into the past but I would let her know that her marriage was not very good or her husband would never have considered doing those things, and she would be wise to look at how her expressions, or lack of them, of love, may have been less than perfect. Then, although his reactions to his situation were awful, humiliating, and immature, she should keep in mind that he is not trained in marriage, either.
      The best advice would be to not be overly harsh to him, herself, or do what would certainly destroy her young family. Instead, use the course for women so she can be mentally equipped to handle her current challenges with an eye toward capturing the love and happiness that she will gain by taking the course. It is amazing what will happen if she goes that route and she should look at the reviews and some of the sample videos.

  40. Robert Reply

    I was sexting a woman 2 years ago. (Never slept with )My wife found out so we hit turbulence in our marriage she has forgiven me. But since then I have felt nothing but guilt and tried to make up for it. I have up work to take on the house husband role while she worked. Since then I’ve become jealous, over protective, mothered her and suffocated her as such trying to show how sorry I am and try and make it up to her and reassure her. I now suffer from depression and it seems like she doesn’t even want to know who I am and goes out at every opportunity to not stay home. She says I’m not the man she married and she wants him back. How can repair my marriage

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