If you’re standing at a crossroads, unable to decide whether to use a Gottman-trained marriage counselor or The Marriage Foundation online “individual” course, meaning you take the course according to whether you are the wife or husband from The Marriage Foundation (TMF), I can help you make the decision. Bottom line: If both of you decided to work on your marriage together, and I mean really together, with no compulsion or hesitation, then go to The Gottman Institute. But, if you are the one seeking help and you know, through trial or just know that getting your spouse to participate in resurrecting the love and harmony in your marriage is not in the cards, then you definitely want, and need the individual-based Course for women, or Course for men. When I was a divorce mediator, which I was until 2001, I got plenty of business from literally every kind of marriage counselor in San Diego County, except; I didn’t get any business from couples who went to Gottman counselors. When I looked into his methodology, I must say that I was quite impressed. Gutman himself is a rabbi, and his perspective was that couples simply don’t know how to be married, and all they need is to be reminded of why they got married in the first place and how to cultivate and nurture that love and harmonious bond. Then, in 2001, I began my journey as a marriage counselor because I was asked to save a couple who came to me but were really not interested in having their marriage dissolved. When I did a deep dive into marriage, I realized what Gottman realized: that marriage is a sacred space, (by the way, a term that I coined). Although it is true that my first marriage counseling was with that couple whom I worked with as a couple, it didn’t take long before I recognized how chaotic marriage counseling with couples is because of the dynamics unless both are truly on board. When one of you is doubting or hesitant, it makes divorce mediation look easy. So, for that and other reasons, which I will get into later, I shifted to working with individuals, and it was the best move that I made because I realized that this was an area that really needed attention. Over the course of eight years, I developed teachings, techniques, systems, and processes. All tested and perfected, based on universal laws and principles, and recognition that only God could create such an amazing construct we call marriage, so it has to be all about happiness. And, like Gottman, I realized people just need to learn the ‘rules of the road’ for marriage. Having written a couple of books and then creating the courses, we finally launched our website in 2009 when a fellow mediator and I launched the marriage foundation as a nonprofit. So, the bottom line is simple. If both of you decided to work on your marriage together, and I mean really together, with no compulsion or hesitation, then go to The Gottman Institute but if you are the one seeking help and you know, through trial or just know that getting your spouse to participate in resurrecting the love and harmony in your marriage is not in the cards, then you definitely want, and need the individual-based Course for women, or Course for men.
A Tale of Two Perspectives: Gottman’s Teamwork vs. My Individual Path
John Gottman’s work is remarkable—I’ll give credit where it’s due. He’s spent years studying couples, observing them like a scientist in a lab, and he’s uncovered patterns that can predict whether a marriage will thrive or falter. His “Four Horsemen”—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are real troublemakers, and his research shows how they erode love if left unchecked. Gottman’s approach involves sitting down with a counselor, both of you together, to learn skills like better communication and conflict resolution. It’s a couples’ game, designed to help you face each other and tackle problems as a team. For many, that’s a comforting and practical starting point, but only if you’re both willing to dive in. You can explore more about his methods at The Gottman Institute.
My teachings are parallel. I discovered the three killers of marriage because I think I had much more experience with terminal marriages. I identify the “Three killers” as 1. Overfamiliarity – because it’s easy to take someone for granted over time. 2 Poor Marital Communication Skills, and 3 Business Approaches to the Marriage. Naturally, because our clients are individuals, we take a different road—one that, out of necessity, focuses on self-growth within the context of marriage and a whole lot more and deeper education, again, only out of necessity. At TMF, we don’t see marriage as a negotiation between two people trying to fix what’s broken. I view it as an individual spiritual path that two soulmates walk together, guided by universal laws of love and happiness. We can’t focus on the “we” sitting across from a counselor—it’s on the “you” looking in the mirror. I’ve found, and you know this already, that the only person you can truly change is yourself, and when you do, your marriage transforms naturally, almost effortlessly. That’s the essence of my system, and it’s why our courses for individuals—one for men, one for women—are designed to empower you, not just “us.” If you are in the individual category, don’t think “poor me” think, “This is what God wants for me and my family, so it is awesome.”
The Power of the Individual: You Are the Key
Here’s where the G man and I part ways—not in judgment, but in vision. Gottman’s methods shine when both spouses are committed to working together, hashing out issues with a counselor’s guidance. He teaches you how to listen better, argue less, and rebuild trust, often by focusing on the interactions between you. It’s like learning to dance with your partner, step by step, until you’re in sync. And for some, that’s just what they need—a structured way to navigate the rough patches as a duo.
But when only one of you is ready to heal your marriage, That’s where my approach offers something unique and something powerful. I teach you to master your own mind and open your heart, using specialized tools, including my SEW Technique™, to turn knee-jerk reactions—anger, worry, frustration—into wisdom and love. You don’t need your spouse in the room to start this journey. You don’t even need their permission. By shifting your own behavior and learning to love unconditionally, you become the spark and living flame that reignites your marriage. I’ve seen it happen time and again—thousands of times over 22 years—where one spouse’s transformation pulls the whole relationship into the light. Curious about the SEW Technique™? Learn more here.
Love as the Foundation: My Core Belief
Gottman talks about building a “sound relationship house,” with layers like trust and shared goals. It’s a solid framework, and I respect how he grounds it in research. He’s right that love needs a structure to flourish. But I add that love itself is the foundation—not something you build toward, but something you start with because it is you and your soulmate, in essence, and you let it slip away. In my system, we don’t spend time dissecting past fights or tallying who’s right or wrong. We focus on restoring that love—unconditional, selfless, ever-growing—and letting it guide everything else. Happiness and harmony flow from there, not the other way around.
Take communication, for instance. Gottman’s got great tools for improving how you talk to each other—soft startups, repair attempts, all that good stuff. It’s useful, no doubt. But I teach that communication improves naturally when you stop eclipsing love with negativity. Of course, I have a huge section on communication because marital communication is very different from communication in every other venue, but our focus is not so much on what you say but more on being the soul mate of your spouse, the king or queen, the lover the ultimate person they want to be with. When you control your reactions and approach your spouse with patience and curiosity—understanding that men and women see the world differently—you don’t need a script. You just need a heart tuned to love. That’s the science I’ve uncovered: master yourself, and the rest falls into place.
“I was skeptical at first—how could I fix my marriage alone? But Paul’s course taught me to change my attitude and love unconditionally. My husband noticed the difference in weeks, and now we’re happier than ever. TMF saved us!” – Sarah T., California
Practicality and Promise: What You Get with TMF
Now, let’s get practical, meaning dollars or Deutschmarks, or shekels, or yen. A Gottman counselor might cost you hundreds per session, and you’ll need both of you there, week after week, to see results. It’s an investment, and if it works for you, fantastic. My TMF courses, though, are a one-time cost (or you can get a payment plan for as little as less than $10 a week)—less than a handful of therapy sessions—and you do the course on your own time, in your own space. You get unlimited email support from our trained counselors, plus a clear, step-by-step system that’s worked for people in over 45 countries. I also wrote *Lessons for a Happy Marriage* and Breaking the Cycle to give you the keys, not to keep you guessing. And here’s my promise: if you follow this path, your marriage isn’t just salvageable—it will become a source of joy forever.
Gottman’s approach might suit you if you’re both eager to sit down together and tackle specific issues head-on. It’s a team effort, and it’s got its strengths. But if you’re looking for a way to start today, on your own, with a method that rewires you for love and happiness, then TMF is your answer. I don’t believe in waiting for your spouse to catch up—why should you, when you can lead the way?
“After 19 years, I finally learned how to be a wife with Paul’s teachings. The SEW Technique™ changed everything—no more fights, just love. Thank you, TMF!” – Linda M., Texas
Two Paths, One Goal: Your Happiness
I’ll never say Gottman’s work isn’t valuable—it’s helped plenty of couples, and that’s a win for love. His research has lit up corners of marriage most didn’t see before, and I tip my hat to that. But my mission is different. I’m here to show you that marriage isn’t a mystery or a gamble—it’s a science with laws you can learn and live by. You don’t need to fix your spouse or your fights. You need to learn and apply, and watch the magic unfold.
Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts for Your Marriage: A Sneak Peek
Before you download the full guide, here’s a preview of my Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts to get you started on your journey to a happier marriage:
Do’s:
- Do Love Unconditionally – Love your spouse without expecting anything in return.
- Do Transform negative reactions into wisdom and love.
- Do Focus on changing your own behavior, not your spouse’s.
- Do Communicate with love – Approach your spouse with patience and understanding.
- Do Prioritize Happiness – Make joy the foundation of your marriage.
Don’ts:
- Don’t Criticize – Criticism eclipses love; focus on appreciation instead.
- Don’t Hold Grudges – Let go of past hurts to make room for love.
- Don’t React Impulsively – Pause and choose wisdom over anger.
- Don’t Blame Your Spouse – Take responsibility for your own role in the marriage.
- Don’t Give Up – Your marriage can thrive with the right knowledge.
Want the full guide? Sign up on our website to get your free copy of the Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts for Your Marriage!
Ready to transform your marriage? Sign up now to get my Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts for a Happy Marriage and start your journey with TMF today!