Do you think the couples are working together to make their marriage work? One of the greatest urban myths about marriage is that it “takes two” to make your marriage work.
Don’t believe it for a second! That myth has destroyed far too many marriages. The logic applies to dancing, business deals, and other activities, but simply doesn’t apply to marriage. Don’t let it kill yours!
So, are you still dreaming of having that happy marriage?
I’ve been there, and have realized that marriage is different. Marriage is not a give-and-take relationship, and was never designed to work like other relationships.
Look, when you understand marriage scientifically, you’ll realize that it only takes one determined spouse to make your marriage happy and healthy. It means you understand the principles of marriage and can use them effectively.
All other relationships require constant cooperation and an equal or fair level of effort from everyone involved. That’s what makes them work. They are based on what you have to give and what you get in return. But not marriage. Marriage is not a “give and take” relationship. It looks like it should be, but don’t be deceived.
Even though it may appear like other relationships in some respects, marriage is different.
Can this really be true?
Marriage does not require both of you to be working at it equally. You just need do your own part, regardless of your partner’s efforts. Sometimes your part needs to be much greater than your partner’s. If that is the case, then do it. It’s just your turn. No time limits or expectations.
Still not convinced? Let me explain:
Your relationship is a lot like two people building a bridge from opposite sides of a river. If only one person builds the bridge, it still gets built. Only one of you needs to adhere to the principles of marriage to improve your relationship.
In other words, you need to have compassion for your spouse. Nobody is at their best all the time, nor at their worst all the time. Every person experiences ups and downs, and we cannot predict when someone is going to be spiritually, psychologically, or physically ill. We all get caught with our pants down sometimes. As a spouse, you have to accept this. You have to do your part to express unconditional love with wholehearted effort! At least to the best of your ability.
When one is doing all they can to save their marriage, even if the other is just hanging in there, waiting to see what happens, the effort made by one will make all the difference.
Besides, even in relationships where one partner is “over it,” we have seen remarkable recoveries that turn into incredible marriages. Don’t just give up! If you do your part to the best of your ability, without expectations of your spouse, your marriage and your life will improve.
You should not expect less than happiness
A happy marriage is a normal marriage, no matter what some experts tell you; you should expect happiness in marriage.
I just read an article on a well-respected website that actually stated, “Happiness is not the most important thing.” I could not believe this was in an article entitled, “Ten Secrets to a Successful Marriage.”
Seriously? How could happiness not be the most important thing? Is marriage a punishment? Is marriage a burden to prove ourselves? Why would anyone ever get married if happiness is not the most important thing?
This kind of thinking illustrates what a crummy job the psychology community (the self-proclaimed marital experts of the world) has done. I don’t buy into this, and I hope you don’t either.
When you approach marriage as a scientific construct — with its individual parts, goals, and obstacles — and view it objectively, you cannot help but succeed. If you step back and ask, “What am I going to do to create happiness in my marriage?” And you understand the dynamics and principles of marriage, you can’t help but succeed.
The point is you are not a helpless victim of your marriage! If your marriage is filled with conflict and tension, there are many things you can do to reduce the tension and eliminate the conflicts. For example:
- Stop reacting. Reactions are automatic habits. You can change them.
- Focus on the cute, funny, wise, and cool aspects of your spouse. She/he has flaws like everyone else, but also some incredible aspects that you tend to forget when focusing on those flaws.
- Smile with sincerity. How about giving your spouse a loving smile instead of a critical glare?
The truth is happiness is your birthright, but so is freewill. When you choose to be happy, you will be, no matter your circumstances. When you choose to make your marriage the happiest place on Earth, it will be. It’s that simple. This is what free will is supposed to be used for; not just picking the best flavor of ice cream.
The misery you have felt in marriage didn’t come from your spouse, nor from incompatibility, nor irreconcilable differences. Your unhappiness came from how you perceived you were being treated and expecting too much of your spouse.
Those who say you should not expect happiness in marriage turn my stomach. We have shown thousands of couples how to find happiness in marriage. Who are you going to believe?
The first thing to do is to test our logic and science. If your marriage is unhappy or failing, you do not have to give up and lose it all. Of the many couples who divorce, the vast majority could have been saved. So what does all this mean? You can save your marriage and turn it into the relationship you’ve always dreamed about.
Now, make it happen.