If you are asking how do I change my husband, we need to broaden this question a bit. To see if what you are asking is a reasonable question, based on your husband, and your marriage.
Then, if you think it is possible to change your husband, based on what you learn here, we need to discuss the different ways to approach how you can do it.
Getting your husband to change can actually be fairly easy in some cases. But, unfortunately, it can also be impossible. We will discuss the variables that matter.
The last thing I want is for you to bang your head against the wall for the next few months with unreasonable expectations, or have you doing things that do not work, and never will. On the other hand, I don’t want you to give up. Your marriage is your life. You should not be quick to abandon hope for success.
How will I know if I cannot change my husband
Let me point out that there are no absolutes. I have seen men who were called lost causes because of drug addiction come back to life. But it is rare. Alcoholics are in the same boat. When a husband is hooked on drugs or alcohol it is nearly impossible for them to manage anything positively. They used the substances for escape, and they are owned by them. It is no longer a way to get high. These men are in big trouble. If you are wondering what you should do in this case the answer is within most vows “in sickness and in health”. The correct thing to do, unless doing so is self destructive or harmful to the kids, is to see those husbands as sick.
The other “type” that is nearly impossible to change is the man who was always like he is now. Too many women marry men who were too immature and selfish to be married. They imagine they can change them later, or new circumstances, like having children, will get them to grow up.
The above pretty much means you have to live with what you have, to the best of your ability. There are organizations, such as Alanon that may be useful for you.
If your husband is disloyal
Just to be clear about this, disloyalty comes in many forms and is generally seen very differently by men and women. I personally do not think it is particularly useful to weigh in on the degree of immorality of a husband going to a strip club, versus hooking up with an ex-girlfriend. The morality is only important if you want to be angry-10, or angry-100. What good will that do you? You have to choose between being a victim who was harmed, or being a loving and forgiving wife who wants her marriage back. Unfortunately there is no in-between.
If you want to save your marriage you have to leave the judgment stuff out, to the best of your ability. Now we can help you with this, with our SEW technique. But if you allow the judgment of his crime to own your mind, your marriage will die. You won’t be able to move on, and he will never feel loved again.
Part of saving a marriage is to make it into the marriage of your dreams, and the marriage of your husband’s dreams. One of the biggest problems is that most people’s dreams of marriage are vague when they get married, at best. Most people just get married, without a plan or proper expectations. In fact most people have no idea why they want to get married in the first place. So, I want to be clear that part of the “change my husband” program is to change you, too….which brings us back to the point of this article.
How do I change my husband?
There is a saying going around “happy wife, happy life”, which is true for men. Unfortunately the other half is missing, “happy husband, happy life”. What is also not universally known is that a wife has far more “marriage power” than her husband. And I know this needs some explanation. Although this topic is covered in our marriage help program I will give you the short version here. Please do not think this is sexist based. It is not. These principles are actually quite scientific. I just hope this short answer conveys enough for you to grasp it.
People get married for love; although some have other ideas of why. But at the end of the day love is the real reason. And if you have paid attention to men you realize that unlike yourself, and other women, men are not naturally loving people. But that doesn’t mean men don’t need it; of course they do. And don’t confuse sex with love, either. Men need sex, sure. But they really need real love, which is much bigger than sex, or the love they can get during sex.
So men primarily marry women because women are walking vaults of love; it comes naturally to you! Isn’t this pretty obvious? I always thought so. Women are compassionate, tender, caring…all the good stuff. And you are this way without even thinking about it. But not men! Your husband married you so he could plug into your love.
Now, what sometimes happens is women get “betrayed” by their husbands in ways that they cannot really see consciously, and they begin to resent them. Or, what happens in most cases is wives simply just start taking their husbands for granted. At best they treat them the same way they treat a friend, which is not enough.
Your husband is not just a friend! He is your husband and he needs to be treated as such; but you did not know what that meant, and still don’t. So your husband started pulling away, or going to porn sites, or…cheating? Or?
So the way to change your husband, in these cases, is simple. You start treating your husband like a husband. I know that is vague, but how can I elaborate on such a huge topic in an article? It really takes a lot of effort, in the beginning anyway, to stop the slide, and then build your marriage again. But this time build it on some solid foundation.
Now, if you are the kind of woman who wants vindication or have me condemn your husband for what he has done, you might find someone who teaches you how to manipulate and control your husband for a while. But usually all that does is speed your marriage to divorce court. Its not just how do I change my husband that matters. It is how do I have a good marriage that matters. Don’t you think?
The best way to change your husband is the same way to change your marriage. Change yourself into the reason he married you in the first place. Become the treasure he seeks. He will respond!