In most cases, getting your husband to change can actually be a fairly simple and straightforward mission. Some think it is easy, but only after they learned what they had to do, and then did what they learned.
Not every wife finds it easy; mostly because not every wife is willing to change themselves; and I can assure you, 100%, that if you expect your husband to change just because you point out that he is behaving in “horrible” ways, it won’t happen.
People who are called out, or “busted”, never change.
Human nature is such that those whose flaws are exposed tend to hide them even more. But don’t be discouraged!
You just need to know what to do.
The last thing I want is for you to bang your head against the wall for the next few months with unreasonable expectations, or have you doing things that don’t work, and never will.
On the other hand, I don’t want you to give up. Your marriage is your life. It is important in ways you probably have never thought about. You shouldn’t be quick to abandon hope for success.
Men who cheat, use porn, sext, and even leave, will usually come around and often become ideal husbands when a wife patiently focuses her attention on improving the future, instead of trying to fix the past.
A side note
Possibly the biggest problem you may encounter in transforming your marriage may be the false thinking that comes from reading a few articles. The “I got this” idea is readily accepted by the mind, but without a complete study you will only know enough to get you into even more trouble.
We see it all the time where women don’t realize that it’s not just one thing, or one or more errors that got their marriage into this state of dysfunction, but a lot of errors. That’s why the first best step is taking a holistic marriage education; not just researching for shortcuts or a little advice.
We should explore what you truly want your husband to change.
In most cases, women are generally satisfied with their husbands, and love them. But, they discover something that is far afield of what they know is right for their marriage, such as using dating sites. Other wives want more attention, or more conversation. The range of change is dependent on both the needs of the wife, and the circumstances.
We all agree that change is mandatory if the marriage is at risk.
How will I know if I cannot change my husband?
Let me point out that there are no absolutes when it comes to predictions, but that is not a cop-out. I have personally seen husbands who were called lost causes by some experts because of drug or alcohol addiction come back to life.
We don’t easily concede a loss.
Giving up is the last thing to do; even when it seems “logical” to give up.
The reason for our saying that is that we know how easily you both can have what you want out of your marriage; but are just caught by the usual traps most couples fall into.
Bear in mind that when a husband is hooked on drugs or alcohol, it is nearly impossible for them to manage anything positively. They initially used the substances they are now hooked on for escape, but then they become owned by them. It is no longer a way to just get high.
These men are in trouble.
If you are wondering what you should do in this case, the answer is actually embedded within most vows when you said “in sickness and in health”. The correct thing to do, unless doing so is self destructive or harmful to the kids, is to see those husbands as temporarily “sick”. Following our program will help you get to the other side of this illness.
The other type (that is more difficult to change), but is not a lost cause, is the man who was always the way he is now but you married him anyway. It is not unusual for women to marry men who are too immature and selfish to be get married in the first place. They imagine they can change them later, or that new circumstances, like having children, will get them to grow up.
The above doesn’t mean you have to live with what you have.
Our teachings show marriage in the best light, something both of you can get everything out of; still. If there is substance abuse, you may add the help of organizations, such as Al-Anon. That may be useful for you. Remember, when you have children, it is not right to abandon ship; your kids will “drown”.
If your husband is disloyal
Disloyalty comes in many forms and is generally seen very differently by men and women. I personally don’t think it is particularly useful to weigh in on the degree of immorality of a husband going to a strip club, versus hooking up with an ex-girlfriend. I don’t condone either, but I think it is always better to look at what is going on with the perspective that it happened, and was a wake-up call.
The morality aspect is important, of course.
But it is your husband’s lapse when he is disloyal, and you need to focus on your own morality; only yours. If you judge him, you too are being immoral.
Okay, not the same thing as cheating. But if you think about it, you will see that judging him means you are not loving him (you can’t go in two directions at the same time) and so you’re going to push him away from you.
The bottom line is that if you see your husband’s behaviors as a wake-up call, you can change the future of your marriage, which will change him. If you want to be angry-10, or angry-100, what good will either do you, or your marriage? You have to choose between being a victim who was harmed, or being a loving and forgiving wife who wants her marriage back.
Unfortunately there isn’t really an in-between.
If you want to save your marriage, you have to leave the judgment stuff out, to the best of your ability. Now we can help you with this, with our SEW Technique. But if you allow the judgment of his crime to take over your mind, your marriage will die. You won’t be able to move on, and he will never feel loved again.
Does that mean you ignore his bad behaviors?
Yes and no. You make his behavior push you into “I am going to turn my marriage around” mode.
We suggest saving a marriage is to make it into the marriage of your dreams, and the marriage of your husband’s dreams.
There are three main things that controls our behaviors:
- Our habits
- Our intentions, and
- Our environment
Isn’t it so?
You can’t control your husband’s habits. Those are his, and unless he chooses to use our program, too, he will always be subjected to his habits. However, you can change his environment by your behaviors. And this is the key to changing your husband.
When someone is in a particular environment, they adapt to it. If you go to a church meeting, you might be uplifted. Your thoughts and words will reflect that positive environment. Well, your marriage is supposed to be even more uplifting than a church meeting. It’s just that most people don’t know this magic key to happiness, or how to make it happen.
And that’s exactly what we teach.
So, if you are following this idea, you can see that changing your input into the marriage and towards your husband, he will automatically shift due to your efforts.
We hear it all the time!
One lady, who just signed up for the program wrote to us emergency style. I’m going to paste it, and the respond.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We have no children. Without going into too much detail, I found dating/chat apps on my husband’s phone this morning while he was in the shower. He has a history of porn addiction and flirting with women. I have a history of spying on him. These issues have caused major trust issues for both of us. I haven’t “busted” him yet, nor have I let him know that I know about the apps. Instead, I downloaded the TMF course for women and have gone through the first week’s training.
My question is this: While I understand that I need to employ the S.E.W technique and not bring up the issue, I am sure that he is going to see that something is bothering me. He always does. What do I say? I’m afraid the moment he asks me if everything’s okay, I’ll burst into tears. Then we’ll have to address it.
Thank you for any advice you have.
The counselor wrote back to her
I’m so glad you wrote, and hope we stop before you burst into tears and let loose.
Just hold off with any response. I know it is difficult! But understand that no matter what you say, or do at this point will make things way worse… and we want to save you guys!
If he asks you what’s wrong, and that is an IF, all you need to do is say you are thinking too much… but don’t let on!!!
Now, go back to the course and take notes about which are your triggers
Best always, TMF Counselor
Here is what we got back
Thank you so much for responding so quickly yesterday! I was able to successfully stop and evaluate. I thought about my triggers and about past experiences that cause my reactions. I discovered by reviewing these memories of our past fights somewhat objectively, that my husband usually was trying to communicate to me that he was looking for affirmation of his manliness when he seeks attention from other women. So my beneficial act(s) of wisdom last night was to stroke his ego when I saw an opportunity to do so. We ended up having a lovely evening, instead of me breaking down sobbing and dragging us both into a several-day ordeal.
I am sufficiently sold on SEW for this week and am committed to not “busting” my husband about the dating/chat apps, but I would like to have this addressed at some point. When and how does that happen?
I removed a small part that was very personal and didn’t show the last response we sent her, but at least you get the idea. Our efforts are to improve her marriage, not fix what was broken in the past; even if the past was only a day ago. Her husband, and this is the point, responded to a new environment, and so did she. We helped them break the cycle.
How to change your husband
There is a saying going around, “happy wife, happy life”, which is true for men. Unfortunately, the other half is missing, “happy husband, happy life”.
What isn’t universally known is that a wife has far more “marriage power” than her husband.
And I know this needs some explanation.
Although this topic is covered in our marriage help program, I will give you the short version here.
But please don’t think this is sexist.
These principles are actually quite scientific. I just hope the short answer conveys enough for you. If not, remember, you can always write to us with ANY question you have.
People get married for love; although some have other ideas of why. But at the end of the day, love is the real reason. And if you, as a woman, have paid attention to men you realize that unlike yourself and other women, men aren’t naturally loving people.
But that doesn’t mean men don’t need love; of course they do.
And don’t confuse sex with love, either.
Men need sex, sure. But they really need real love, which is much bigger than sex, or the love they usually feel during sex (if they feel love at all).
So men marry women primarily because women are walking vaults of love; it comes naturally to you!
Isn’t this pretty obvious? I always thought so.
Women are compassionate, tender, caring …all the good stuff. And you are this way without even thinking about it.
But not men!
Your husband married you so he could plug into your love.
Now, what sometimes happens is women get “betrayed” by their husbands in ways that they can’t really see consciously, and they begin to resent them. Or, what happens in most cases is wives simply just start taking their husbands for granted. At best, they treat them the same way they treat a friend, which is not good.
Your husband is not just a friend!
He is your husband, and he needs to be treated as such; but you didn’t know what that meant, and still don’t. So your husband started pulling away, or going to porn sites, or cheating? Or?
So the way to change your husband, in these cases, is simple.
You start treating your husband like a husband. I know that is vague, but how can I elaborate on such a huge topic in an article?
It really takes a focused educated effort, in the beginning anyway, to stop the slide, and then you can build your marriage. But build it on some solid foundation.
Now, if you are the kind of woman who wants vindication or want us to condemn your husband for what he has done, that is not me, or us.
You might find someone who teaches you how to manipulate and control your husband for a while, but usually all that will do is speed your marriage to divorce court.
It’s not just, how to change your husband that matters. It is how to have a good marriage that matters.
Don’t you think?
The best way to change your husband is the same way to change your marriage. Change yourself into the very reason he married you in the first place. Become the treasure he seeks. He will respond!