There is a big difference between talking at someone, and communicating with them. Most individuals don’t actually hear themselves, or how they sound, so don’t make any effort to regulate or improve their communication. Most people wouldn’t know how they should regulate their speech for the best results, yet communicating well is huge if you want to be happily married.
Good communication begins and ends with making sure its love that flows through your speech and actions, and nothing else. Make sense? It should, because a happy marriage has to be based in love.
Most of us didn’t get a good start. We learned communication in our families. But parents demanding, siblings yelling, and no-holds-barred yacking is not what marriage is all about.
We get married to give and receive love. That’s why we need to regulate our communication, to meet that end.
Normal household communication should be considerate, mutually beneficial, and sweet. When you compare that to other alternatives which would you rather have?
What would you rather be, a mean person or someone others look forward to being with? A grump, or someone uplifting?
There are excuses aplenty for going the low road. But excuses don’t get you where you want to go, do they?
Good marriage communication practices are essential for happiness
People place a lot of value in courses that teach communication. For people in sales good negotiation is a must. Well, what about your marriage? Isn’t it as important as your career? I say its way MORE important. Your marriage is supposed to be the happiest part of your life. Knowledge of how to communicate ‘marriage style’ is undeniably valuable.
Good communication reduces misunderstanding, keeps things simple, and makes living in close proximity joy filled instead of difficult.
I do my best to help people who are interested in learning how to improve their marital communication. One whole section of our online program is devoted entirely to communication because its vital to learn how to upgrade your skills and understanding if you want to improve your overall marriage.
Many couples don’t begin learning these important skills until they face a crisis in their marriage; but it is never too late to learn. Starting now is just fine.
Marriage communication keys for your marriage
First key – Be clear about your overall intentions
your intention should always be to infuse happiness into your marriage. If you remember this you will be able to consciously create happiness while at the same time avoid any hurtfulness.
You always can say the right thing, and in the right way, if you think first. If you just blurt out how you are feeling it won’t be good. So think before you speak or act.
Happiness doesn’t just happen in marriage, or anywhere else. It has to be developed and nurtured
Second key – Avoid hurtful communications
Some people think it’s humorous to tease their spouse. But people who tease generally don’t take the feelings of the one they are teasing into account, or they would be very careful about what kind of teasing they do. In most cases the teased person is humiliated. They don’t feel loved.
Communication should be deliberate to achieve a loving result.
Third key – Avoid communicating your frustrations
Most people typically start complaining about whatever is bothering them because its considered good to “get it all out”, as if that’s a form of intimacy; it isn’t. Intimacy is connecting your hearts, not dumping out your personal issues.
Especially if your feeling a frustration with your spouse. Frustration is a personal reaction you can and should control. Negativity is too easy to spill into your marriage, but you should consider its affects.
Thinking your spouse should “be there for you” in this way, acting like a receptacle for any negativity, anytime, is not marriage thinking; it is more of child type thinking. You need to be aware of your spouse’s needs for your love. One is responsible for their own issues.
I realize sharing frustration is a big thing in the psych world, but it absolutely erodes marriages. I saw it all the time when I was a divorce mediator, especially for couples who went to marriage counseling first.
Fourth key – Communicate ideas that turn your spouse on
I don’t mean just sexually. Get your mind off things that are troubling you. Get yourself and your spouse into a happy place. Choose this over dragging them and yourself into whatever it is that’s tweaking you.
Your mind is a tool you possess. Use your free will to change your thoughts. Though not promoted as a marriage technique, controlling one’s mind should be. It’s what is called for; not venting.
Marriage is meant to be a constant stream of happiness; honestly. So, the right kind of communication, the kind that fills your marriage with love, changes everything. Vigilant self-awareness allows you to fulfill the positive purpose of marital communication.
The purpose for “Marital Communication” is to express love
If only poor communication, not other issues, is afflicting your marriage you can easily turn things around with one of our books.
Either will help your marriage unless your marriage is distressed.
If your marriage deteriorated to where a book won’t help you, and only you can judge, don’t give up. You will do fine using our course(s). Very few marriages are past the point of no return.
The courses are divided by gender. If just one of you wants to turn things around at the moment, which is normal, you can do it on your own. People who claim it takes two don’t know what they are talking about. It takes only one of you to transform your marriage.
Our success rate is unmatched. We earned our golden reputation helping thousands of couples and families over the course of many years. Significantly better than virtually any other system (click on the link to reviews) it will help you faster and more effectively. The proof is in the pudding.
“We don’t have good communication” is a catch phrase. In some cases it’s true. If that’s your marriage one of my books will be awesome. But many couples use poor communication as a blanket explanation for lots of problems and a marriage that is falling apart.
It is better to address your marriage issues as honestly as you can.
If you are angry all the time, that is not just communication.
If one of you is cheating, that is not about communication.
I say you should use any unhappiness in your marriage as a reason to address the underlying foundational structure of your marriage. After all, marriage is supposed to be very joy filled.
Fifth key – Never confront your spouse
Misguided therapists erroneously say women lose their dignity unless they stand up for themselves or put ultimatums on the table when their husbands are caught cheating. Its not true. Confrontation only triggers reactions that compound underlying issues.
Confrontation triggers core instinctive reactions to fight or fly.
Anyone confronted will either attack you or escape from you. Lies and false promises are common reactions. Genuine change is never a reaction.
Sixth key – Communicate respectfully and lovingly
The contract of marriage is a spiritual path, not a business contract.
If one of you strays or something else that hurts like crazy it is a “symptom” that should shock you into doing better.
If you take anything as a “deal breaker” you miss the whole point of marriage.
Even when a husband has been discovered using a porn site, or having an affair don’t think it is the end of your marriage.
It is rare that a marriage is so off track that we cannot help you.
If you want to share your situation to get an expert opinion don’t hesitate to contact us. Our coaches get marriage help questions all the time we can help you with.
This article is about communication. I refer those who are experiencing unfaithfulness to a different article.
Seventh Key – Train yourself to speak positively
You have free will. So you can make your mind do whatever you want, no matter what. That means you can choose your communication style, words,
Don’t be reactive. Be calmly positive.
Be inwardly content in a way the whole world would admire if they saw how loving and selfless you are.
If I shouldn’t confront my husband, how can I get him to listen to me?
Seriously, are we back to confrontation? Getting your spouse to listen to you, if you go back to the rightful purpose of marital communication, means creating a reason for them to want to.
- Do we treat each other as soulmates? Or have we become cellmates, or just roommates?
- When I communicate, do I have an agenda of love and giving, or am I only expressing my needs?
- Am I as good a communicator as I want my spouse to be?
A better way
“Honey, there is something upsetting me, and it’s not your fault, I just need to talk to you about it. I know you are good at fixing things, but for this I only need to talk about it. In fact, a ‘practical’ solution would only be a greater burden for me. I just need to get it out.” Expressing yourself in this way covers all bases. This is an example, but you need to learn much more about communication to be good at it.
Make your communication POSITIVE! Marital communication is both an art and science
Remember you live together in your own special space, occupied by only two of you.
Be good to him or her, make them feel like a million dollars every time you speak to them, and you will see them responding in kind. Sometimes you can hint to your needs, but don’t forget to take care of theirs.
Amazing marriages are entirely possible. They are the only kind to have. I don’t settle in mine and you should not settle in yours.
Love is immeasurable It has no limitations; it takes up no space. So, when you consider it you will see that most couples take each other for granted, which erodes marriage quicker than waves erode a sandy beach. That’s what you need to make sure you are not doing.
If you stick to the core principles of love as the guide for all your communications you will experience the joy that marriage has to offer. Yes, its true that you must train yourself somewhat. It is well worth it. It’s the best way to be married.