Even people who are seen as fairly evolved with incredible character traits sometimes suffer from the disease of jealousy. Then they, and all those around them, suffer. But this won’t kill your marriage. There are practical ways to learn how to deal with jealousy in your marriage.
As with any problem, it is always best to break things down into simpler terms. Then, when you can see the problem as a compilation of all its parts, it becomes a matter of removing the defective, or misaligned, parts.
Let’s create a scenario. Imagine that someone in a relationship feels jealous. Where does the jealousy come from? Is it a response to some actions on the part of the other spouse, or is it within the one feeling jealous?
First, relay what you know empirically. By thinking empirically, like gravity causes things to fall to the ground, we can eliminate certain misconceptions. In this case, we can remove the idea that jealousy is created by an outside force. In other words, it is never the actions of one spouse that causes jealousy in the other. That doesn’t mean the actions of the other spouse does not stimulate the triggers to initiate jealousy. But, we need to be clear, jealousy is the innate problem of the one who suffers from this emotion.
A person who is jealous may claim they never experienced jealousy in the past, and may be telling the truth, but it still is not the other spouse’s fault jealousy now haunts them. It’s possible a strong fear did not exist in the past to evoke jealousy, but now it rears its ugliness because the conditions are right. So, let’s identify two things:
- The non-jealous spouse, although not necessarily innocent, is still never responsible for the jealousy, no matter the circumstances.
- Fighting jealousy is up to the jealous person alone.
There are some experts who might want to “get to the bottom of things” by analyzing the situation(s), but that will be unhelpful. Jealousy is an anger-based disease of the mind, responding to the individual’s overactive fear and driven by the biologically innate survival need.
The first victim of jealousy is the one feeling jealous. They must deal with this themselves by learning to control their mind. (Or they could get help from a competent professional to teach them how to subdue and remove the jealousy.)
It should be noted that we, The Marriage Foundation, include in our marriage courses well-described information about the workings of the mind. For most people, this knowledge manages to destroy this disease.
If you are the secondary victim of your spouse’s jealousy, there are actions you can take. Bear in mind jealousy is a disease, so going along with its symptoms, like shouting and accusing, will not help anyone.
- Don’t call your spouse jealous because they will not hear it nor justify it.
- Don’t force them to deal with it. They will, when they get it is their problem.
- Avoid triggering it.
- Assure them of your love.
- Never get defensive. If accused, just smile and calmly say they are mistaken.
- Move out of the way. Nobody needs to stand in front of a spinning propeller.
If their jealousy is chronic or violent, you might point out they have a problem with jealousy and ask if they are aware of it, but that’s it. Don’t go on about it, or play victim, or doctor. Also, get out of the way. Don’t try to face it. Do what you need to protect yourself, and remember the first lesson in martial arts: avoid conflict, get out. I do not mean divorce, just get away from the storm.
If you are the second victim, you can practice compassion. Remember, compassion always, confrontation never.
Nobody is perfect, and jealousy is one of many destructive traits some need to deal with occasionally. It will not test your love if you have the right attitude, but will allow you to deal with your own shortcomings by gaining perspective.