Some people may think it is crazy to consider anyone except their own future if they have to end their wedding plans. After all, most people say you are the one who has to stay married; so why should you sign up for your whole life with someone you discovered is not right for you? Why would you not end just your engagement if you have to? Easy to say!

Because you really don’t want to hurt anyone. And, maybe, you might be thinking; maybe you are overreacting to something. Or, maybe this is just the way it is when you get married; that nobody is perfect, and your being childish and just have cold feet.

What about the future if you go ahead and get married?  Some think maybe you can have an affair to ease the pressure, or wait and see; you can always get a divorce later if you are making a mistake now; everyone seems to get a divorce anyway.

But maybe you rushed into this engagement, and you really do not want to marry your fiance. But what is everyone going to think? What will they say? How will they judge you? What will they call you, and think of you if you cancel your wedding; especially at the last minute. And, do you completely end your relationship if you cancel? They will feel so humiliated! They will hate you. Or what if they commit suicide or something? Or stalk you?

Just to be perfectly clear, I know you know the right thing for you is to end your engagement; you can’t just marry someone because you agreed to. You do not have to be a math genius or philosopher to realize you have no choice but to end your engagement, and cancel your wedding plans. That is not the real question. The real question is how do you end your engagement gracefully; with as little impact as possible. So here are the steps.

1. Be clear that you have no choice, at least for now, to end it. Unless you need to end your engagement because you discovered something vile about your fiance you have the right to wait until you are ready, and it is a good idea to write down the reason; even if the reason is “vague”. If you are a woman you have to trust your inner voice, your intuition. Marriage is forever!
2. Tell your fiance first. If they love and respect you they will honor your decision, and you can work on how you tell everyone else; together. If they try to talk you into changing your mind, or pressure you, then you know you did the right thing and you can end the conversation right there and then.
3. Pick your method based on how you think your fiance will react. You are saving both of you from a lot worse fate, so they will eventually be grateful its over. But some people can be counted on to be unreasonable and selfish. So, although it would be nice to have the conversation in person, it might be better to use the phone; but not text, or email. Unless you are escaping a person you just discovered is a child molester or something, you have to be adult.
4. Tell those involved in the wedding planning next. Have a list of those who need to be informed and let them know asap. Naturally you tell your parents right away, then your closest friends; they should be told live. Then you can send a blast email to the rest, including your gusts. Save facebook for last
5. Make plans to be with someone you are close with for the next day. You will need a supportive friend.
6. Time to take time off from your old life. Before you rush into another phase you need to chill for awhile. Do NOT use drugs or drink for at least a month! Your will is going to be tested. Clear thinking; not escape is in order.
7. Introspection time! Look back over the course of events that led to this. What you did wrong is your lesson; heed it.

When you end your engagement you are stopping a train of lifetime misery dead in its tracks. But the initial trauma is not going to be easy. If you can afford counseling you may want to go that route for a month or so. But know this. The painful experience of ending your engagement is nothing compared to what would have been had you said “I do”.