How To Save Your Marriage, Alone

 

Most of our sales are to “individuals” not couples

You definitely can make your marriage wonderful, again or for the first time, even when circumstances forces you to do it on your own.

The common knowledge that “it takes two” to heal a marriage is wrong. And the idea that it’s chauvinistic for a woman to lead her marriage to healing by herself is not only wrong, but the opposite is much more realistic.

It Only Takes YOU To Heal Your Marriage

Just because it’s you who gets the ball rolling in the right direction doesn’t mean you are the only one working on your marriage, anyway. That’s the wrong way to look at it. What is really happening is you are taking the lead, which is a very cool thing to do.

It’s no different than when you and your spouse are moving furniture and one of you has a sprained wrist. The other is more than happy to carry more than their “share”.

With the right guidance (marriage healing is not a do-it-yourself kind of thing) you can, just assuredly as when you do it together, heal your marriage and family.

You won’t be taken advantage of if you take the lead. Some women, or men, think “he (or she) won’t change” so why should I put in the effort. But when you approach marriage from a perspective of creating a fresh start and building your marriage into a hive of happiness all it requires is a specific plan and execution.

This is not false encouragement. My system works for individuals because I was realistic about people not being in the same place a at the same time.

My first clients were all couples. But I soon saw that one or the other was kind of dragged into my office. So I shifted my methods to serving individuals. In fact it is rare to encounter couples who both realize the need to address their marriage’s need for a fix at the same time. Usually only one will think “I better do something”. It’s the reason our marriage help courses are defined by either men’s or women’s.

Why Individual Help Works So Well

We think in terms of soulmates and togetherness, and that’s the right way to think about our spouse. But we are always individuals first. There is just no getting around that. Even the closest couples are individuals. They don’t share a body, or a mind. The two souls are mated, but don’t ever become “one”. It’s not like merging clay or something. You will always retain your individuality. That’s why I focus on you and your needs as a first order of business.

Step One – I help you gain stability individually. That’s the first step. You learn how to see yourself, your mind, your spouse, and your marriage from your personal point of view. You learn how to control your negative emotions, like anger and sensitivity. You learn how to manage your instinctive reactions and manage your habits. In short, I explain how to take charge of yourself, so you are not a victim of disruptive mental anxiety anymore. This first step is huge, and necessary.

Step Two – The next major step is foundational. What does that mean? This is only useful after you are able to be calm, and not reactive. The first step gives you that power. So when we get here you are able recognize the fundamentals of communication, harmony and intimacy. We get into everything that happens in marriage in a way that is absolutely real.

You learn bout the killers of marriage and the potential traps that nearly every couple slides into unless they are shown. Truthfully, this is the kind of knowledge that should be taught in grammar school, but its not. These marital basics, when you see them, will seem so obvious. You will have no trouble relating to and acquiring these marital skills. But why stop there? An okay marriage is not enough. Even if you are going through a living hell. Even if there is infidelity, fighting, or whatever, you can still have it all. No need to stop here and settle.

Step Three – This is the fun step. Here you learn to take your marriage into the stratosphere of happiness, like it is supposed to be.

I think my greatest discovery was the realization that marriage is perfectly designed to be joy filled, and you are supposed to experience marital bliss, every day of your lives. So I include in my program everything you need to accomplish just that.

By your individual efforts alone, you can re-create your marriage

All you will need do is put one foot in front of the other. You just need to know where to step!

There are only two of you, so when one of you changes the other reacts differently. This is common sense. It’s cause and effect.

I was a divorce mediator who became a marriage saver. I had to create our program from scratch because the normal methods and random systems for marriage help don’t seem to be any good. I decided right from the start that if my system worked I should back it up with a guarantee. I did just that, right from the start, and I do it still. So yo have nothing to lose. In fact, nobody has to pay for anything just to try because we include a few days for you to get your feet wet. You sign up and don’t pay anything until you had a chance to experience it.

Please, write to our counselors if you need any help or more information. It is free for you to write to our specially trained TMF counselors.

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Paul Friedman
Paul Friedman
Founder / Director
Paul has written two books, produced several video programs, regularly speaks on marriage, and continues to guide the growth of The Marriage Foundation to help enrich the marriages of couples around the world.

11 thoughts on “How To Save Your Marriage, Alone

  1. CassieReply

    I read this entire post, but still feel entirely helpless. I don’t think our marriage can be saved. I don’t know how to move on from years of emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and intense controlling behaviors. He alternates between cruelty and gentle kindness; treating me like a treasure one day and then telling me all of the things that are wrong with me and acting like I will never measure up to his expectations the next. I don’t want to destroy my child’s life by getting a divorce, but I feel like I’m going to lose my sanity and/or will to live if this continues. I read this entire article, but don’t feel like it really applies or can help this situation….

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      There should never be a time you are willing to put your children, or yourself in real danger. If your children are victims of sexual abuse it is your duty, as their mother, or anyone else for that matter, to call the authorities.

      To all others, who may be subjected to overt cruel insanity, do not allow your imagination to either overplay, or downplay what is going on. Protecting your children and yourself is the highest priority in those rare (thank God) cases

  2. Lucy ComptonReply

    I met my partner 12 years ago, we got married September 2017, 12 years to the day we first met. We have had a few problems in the past and took a break from each other for a few months in 2010 6 months after our son was born. My Husband has 2 other children one is in the proccess of being adopted by his step father, he is from my husband’s previous marriage that did not end well, his eldest son is now 20, my husband has a good relationship with him and his ex. From the first time I met his eldest son we hit it off and the 3 of us used to have so much fun. Of course my son came along just as my step son turned into a teen and things went down hill. My step son doesn’t live with us and has never had a stable up bringing, he then turned to drugs and alcohol. I don’t think children should be in that kind of environment and I don’t want that for my son (who loves his big bro) so we didn’t see him much for a while. He now works for my husband and just recently I have noticed a change in my husband. Last night my step son stayed at our house and we trusted him to watch our 7 yr old son while we went food shopping, we came back to find my step son in our kitchen with 3 of his friends the house smelt so bad of cannabis I was almost sick, they were using bad language and had left my son in the front room on his own, all my husband did was to get angry at me because I was fuming about the situation. To me this is unforgivable and I don’t know how to get past it. We are meant to be going on a cruise in August as a late honeymoon but at the moment I can’t even look at my husband, what can i do?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      First, you must recognize the futility of expectations.A person, your husband, your step son, your biological son; all will do what they do based on more influences than you can decipher in a thousand years. People who ascribe a behavior, or attitude, to one or two things are imagining themselves to have a much greater power of reasoning than is humanly possible; though sometimes they may get it almost right.

      Therefore, fuming at your husband is a waste of time at best, and an undermining behavior at worst.

      Do you want an improved relationship with your husband? If so, you ought to read one of my books, or take the course, to get clarity about what works to bring love and harmony into your marriage; then focus on those things where you can see it will do the most good.

  3. ElizabethReply

    But what if you just can’t get over the intimate relationship your husband had with another woman? My husband moved out and replaced me with someone else. They held hands on the sofa, they shared meals that she cooked for him, they watched tv together. Tiny little details that have destroyed my world. I can’t bare him to touch me when he touched her in the same way. I can’t bare to cook for him or care for him, when he allowed her to do that. He would have said the same things to her as he said to me. They shared a bed together, lying next to each other talking before going to sleep. Those are the things that destroyed our marriage. They will always be there. So he says sorry. That does NOTHING. I can never forgive or forget what he has done. How odes any of your course help with that? It has been 2 years since I found out and I still feel exactly the same. I’m just staying because you say I will ruin my children’s lives if I leave. So I just feel like my life is over. Your course can’t take away what he has done, nor can it make me feel any differently about it.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Elizabeth
      It is true, as you say, that your children will not do well if you split the family. There is NO arguing this, although many rationalize it away.

      But your other claims are not true!

      When I created the course for women it was with people like you in mind, who ere suffering from the past and don’t know how to get beyond it.

      The course will absolutely give you the exact tools to not only get past all the humiliation and suffering, but guide you to happiness in your marriage. My system and techniques work!

      Before you give up (and you don’t want to give up) try the course! Its guaranteed to work, and our counselors will help you every step of the way…It may not be easy for you, but I promise it will work.

  4. EmmaReply

    My husband left me 6 weeks ago. He told me he loved me but was not in love with, was unhappy and didn’t want to come home to me and asked for divorce. He could no longer see a future for us. He has since said he was lonely in our marriage and is resolved with his decision to leave. He thinks he will be happier and more satisfied without me. I was suffering from depression and I had slowly emotionally withdrawn over the last year or so, I finally broke down in tears realising how I was feeling about a week prior to him deciding he couldn’t stay in the marriage. I realise I was neglecting him and our connection and communication is broken. But throughout that year or so we still engaged, were close and I thought loved one another. Up until 6 weeks ago we were still talking about our future.
    I desperately want to save our marriage but he is adamant we are done. I still love him deeply and can see a future for us. How can I improve the situation and encourage him back to our relationship?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Emma
      I would NOT give up hope.
      I understand your husband has, but his leaving is a reaction to what he considered a wife who does not demonstrate love and so doesn’t love him. This is not unusual because the “common” knowledge about how to show love is so shallow and so doesn’t work.
      Think of his leaving as a wake up call. Focus on learning how to be an authentic source of love for your husband.
      And don’t fall for the temptation to blame him. Naturally he is not perfect. But we are here to correct ourselves, and inspire others, not teach them.
      As you change yourself he will notice. Your new image will come from your real changes and that will be all the advertisement you need. He will respond.

      • EmmaReply

        Thank you Paul, I truly don’t want to give up on our marriage.
        I am trying to stay open, vulnerable and resist blaming him for what has happened, he generally blames me.
        Which of your books do I suggest I read first? Are there any other resources or things you would suggest to assist me in learning how to be and show authentic love? I am willing to give my all to rebuilding our relationship.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Dear Emma,
          The way that I set things up allows individuals and couples in stagnant or rocky marriages to transform their marriage just by reading either of my books. But those who are in the middle of trauma, as occurs when one spouse leaves, or there is infidelity etc. there is a need for the very tightly organized process as are only within the courses. So, although the books will be an eye opener the need you have necessitates the course.
          I will pray for your success.
          Other than that, the best examples of love are the great saints of all religions who demonstrate the kind of unconditional love we can and should learn to practice in marriage. They were my guiding inspiration for everything I composed for marriage.

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