How To Save Your Marriage, Alone

If you are reading this, your marriage is likely in deep trouble. But I have some unexpected good news you need to hear: the solo route is actually the best way to not only save your marriage but to turn it around completely, no matter how bad things are now.

The solo approach is more thorough; you won’t be distracted, and you will move toward connection more assuredly and quickly than you ever could using any other way.

Even if you are choosing to go solo because your spouse isn’t on board, as is the case with most people who are looking into a solo approach, that is actually a blessing in disguise.

Going solo works faster, provides the most direct route to stability, and completely avoids the turmoil of traditional couples counseling.

Uniquely, our solo approach isn’t a primitive remedy of “trying harder,” gimmicky “try this” ideas, or folksy advice from someone who stumbled across something that happened to work for them, so they started a website filled with piecrust (easily made, easily broken) promises.

Ours is a proven systematic process based on what I spent eight years developing, testing in live sessions, and continuously refining with hundreds of men and women who came to me with cases that were written off as either “terminal” or worst cases.

Most people still assume saving a marriage requires a joint effort—namely, traditional marriage counseling- it isn’t true.

I realize that going solo sounds counterintuitive, even illogical, falling back on the “teamwork” and “two to tango” notions. But that is only so because of the marriage help industry.

After 25+ years of involvement, first as a divorce mediator and then, starting in 2001, as a marriage saver, helping thousands of couples move from “uh oh” to “oh wow,” I can tell you with complete conviction that the solo approach is the most reliable way to save a marriage.

(There are exceptions, such as the Gottman methods, but they require a truly joint commitment. I must add that we have gotten sales from those who tried that approach and were not successful).

You won’t need an engine overhaul if an oil change will work:

Let’s distinguish between marriage saving and marriage help. It is important to recognize these two are dramatically different.

If you are thinking, “I can’t take this anymore,” it is rarely a sign that your marriage is on the brink. It is a sign that you need to get marriage educated, which is an amazing panacea.

My background (to follow), working first as a divorce mediator, then eight years (before starting TMF) helping hundreds revive their marriages through live structured processes, plus countless hours of study and prayer behind the scenes, all before 2009 when we started The Marriage Foundation, gives me absolute clarity to know the difference between a marriage that needs a little nudge, one that is just off track but requires only the knowledge provided by our books, or one that is on the edge.

I don’t want you to spend more time, effort, and money if you don’t need it.

Be mindful – there are only two true categories to consider

• If your marriage isn’t on the verge of divorce: Reading either one of my books, “Breaking the Cycle” or “Lessons for a Happy Marriage”, will give you the comprehensive knowledge you need so you can navigate the most gnarly situations on your own, without needing someone to tell you when to turn left or right. There are plenty of reviews on Amazon from confirmed purchasers – almost 5 stars for both.
• If your marriage is in deep trouble: You will need our powerful online course, which walks you step-by-step through the full restorative process. This course is 100% tailored to men and women who need it. My philosophy on helping you is based on my actual experiences. You get as much as you can digest, absorb, and apply in as considerate a way as possible. I’ll show you the way without preaching, blaming, condemning, or manipulating. You will love it. I wish the books were enough when you are in deep trouble, but time and again I have seen you need the big one- the course.

Circumstances chose you to take the lead—which is perfectly okay (rarely are people always on the same page, not even in marriage)—I promise: when you learn how, you and your spouse will get back on the highway to lasting happiness. Either way, a book or the course, the solo approach is the way to go – not as a burden, thinking it is unfair; it’s not unfair at all (we’ll skip the explanation for now), but do this as a loving partner who has the power and loving will to uplift your marriage.

My Transition from Divorce Mediation to Marriage Saver

In 2001, a client couple asked me to help save their marriage instead of ending it.

Deeply analyzing marriage strictly from a practical perspective — not being a Western psychologist, I focused purely on bottom lines with no fluff, distracting backstories, or “how does that make you feel” queries—we were able to turn things around, and their marriage became great.

That was only the beginning for me; their case was relatively easy, but seeing their success made me realize just how many couples were stuck in that same place of despondency.

From then until 2009, I worked with clients live and in-person, developing and perfecting a system specifically for worst-case scenarios.

For women, it was mostly husbands’ affairs, past or ongoing; it doesn’t matter. For men, it was mostly their wife declaring their marriage over (usually while remaining together).

Many of my clients were referred by the same therapists, some of the top marriage counselors in San Diego, who sent me divorce cases in the past. Others I met through speaking at 2nd Saturday.

I also did charity work for local agencies, and as my reputation spread—after helping a famous couple in Hollywood—I began helping actors, screenwriters, and other prominent figures – they are people, too.

My client list eventually spanned from California to Connecticut, and to English-speaking couples overseas.

During that time, I wrote two books: Lessons for a Happy Marriage for the general public, and later a deeper version used to train therapists, Breaking the Cycle.

There is no demographic that doesn’t understand my discoveries – everything is based on universal principles, the same as we find underlying all true religions, but there is no need to even believe in God ( I do, but you don’t have to) for this to work.

Just as there is no need to be a physicist for you to rely on gravity – it works.

In 2009, we founded TheMarriageFoundation.org (a fellow mediator insisted and put up the money for the legal process) as a non-profit dedicated to saving marriages on the brink of divorce—or, often in the couples’ eyes, already past saving.

How Your Marriage Went Sideways, and Why It Matters

The most common misconception is that one, maybe two, glaring issues, or maybe a current big circumstance (like an affair, or she told you to leave), is the reason your marriage is on the edge. – that is never true. Those single things that shake you into resolve are manifestations of a long series of unintentional thinking and behaviors. It’s both of you that messed up, not just you – both. But just you, taking it on, can heal everything.  The reason is simpler than you may think, and it is important to keep in mind. 

Nobody imagines their marriage will suffer when they are saying their “I do’s”. But we should have known better. Other than marriage, for everything important we take on, whether getting our driver’s license or starting a career, we study a lot. Ironically, when it comes to marriage, or even selecting a mate, we just dive right in. Although the fact that we fell in love and married our soulmate gives us a great foundation for a life of marital happiness, you must admit that you and your soulmate made a bunch of mistakes. Maybe you can think of a few, but you won’t know about the mistakes that you don’t recognize as errors. They are there. All you can be sure of now is that there must be a ton of them. That’s why we push (our version) of marital education. Now, you don’t have to go back and correct the mistakes. They are in the past. But learning how marriage works, and what undermines it, and what furthers your marriage, is essential. It is not about going back and correcting; it’s about going forward correctly.

Your marriage reached a critical point because of compounding errors that preceded it.

Is it your fault? No.

Is it your spouse’s fault? No—

Even if your partner is having an affair, an act they must answer for regardless (let God take care of His child), that awful response to their unhappiness didn’t come out of the blue. It is the result of a ton of mistakes on both your parts. 

I know a lot about saving marriages that suffered from or are still suffering from infidelity; these cases make up the greatest portion of our sales of the online course for women. In fact, those made up the greatest portion of the clients I helped save their marriage before we started The Marriage Foundation, during eight years when I was working with people live in my office. Our culture simply lacks proper marriage training, resulting in a long chain of unguided choices. Now is the time for action, not despondency. You won’t fail. 

Crisis vs. Improvement: Which Path Do You Need?

Marriage saving demands a completely different effort than marriage improvement.

If you wish to improve a “decent marriage”—reduce arguments, learn communication skills, and rebuild intimacy—learning about marriage as a whole through proper education is the wise path. So, for general improvements, reading one of our books (Lessons for a Happy Marriage or Breaking the Cycle) is perfect, and you will be so glad (you can see our reviews on Amazon).

However, when things have piled up into a toxic environment, or when infidelity or the threat of divorce threatens your whole family and future, addressing problems one at a time won’t work. Our online courses are strictly designed for severe crises.

You Need the Online Course If:

For Women:

• Your husband is having an affair: Casual, emotional, limerence, online, or full-blown—or he is more interested in pornography than connecting with you.
• You feel you have fallen out of love: You feel angry all the time, want to leave, or feel you can’t stand being around him.

For Men:

• Your wife wants you to leave (or is leaving): She states she has had enough, or calls you manipulative, a narcissist, or worse.
• An affair or habit has surfaced: You were caught in an affair, online messages were revealed, or pornography was discovered, and she will no longer engage with you.

The Solo Course / Traditional Counseling

A damaging misconception is that your marriage is doomed unless you get traditional counseling. Based on everything we have seen at The Marriage Foundation since 2009, traditional marriage counseling is often an accelerator toward divorce court. 

The Sealed Container Analogy

Imagine your marriage as a sealed container—or think of the two of you alone on an island. In this space, the only things that enter are what you and your spouse allow in. Words, thoughts, and deeds enter your marriage through only two sources: you and your partner.

When you, alone, unilaterally stop bringing negative thoughts, deeds, and words into that space, half of the nonsense impacting your marriage ceases to exist immediately (experiment). If you then begin filling that space with loving words, deeds, and thoughts, the laws of displacement kick in, and the environment changes completely. That’s the underlying science that supports the solo approach. When you do what is necessary, the displacement laws kick in and the nature of your marriage-container shifts.

But stopping your negative behaviors isn’t easy! That is why this process requires real effort. The container concept sounds perfectly reasonable in theory—until you actually try to execute it in real life. Back in 2001, when my client couple asked me to save their marriage, I explained this model. They loved it, until the husband returned to my office and said: “Mr. Friedman, I cannot control my mind. I want to say the right things, but…”

Doing what is right is nearly impossible when fighting against ingrained mental habits.

The SEW Technique: Stop. Evaluate. Act with Wisdom.

When I realized willpower alone wasn’t enough, I turned directly to God for help. What He downloaded to me (I can recall it like it was an hour ago- it was a spiritual experience) was a complete schematic of the soul, mind, and body, and all the ancillary components. That was amazing, but what was truly incredible was the tool He provided to leverage our free will. It is specifically designed to give you direct control over your mind. We later got the name of it: The SEW Technique.

• Stop: The moment a negative impulse, surge of anger, or defensive urge arises, create an immediate pause between stimulus and response.
• Evaluate: In that pause, evaluate the thought objectively rather than being swept away by emotional momentum, recognizing that reacting out of anger will only damage the container.
• Act with Wisdom: Consciously choose a response aligned with your ultimate goal—building harmony, peace, and connection.

I needed this understanding and tool, too. Until I received this tool, I personally suffered from explosive anger my entire life. I tried everything to overcome it without success. But as soon as I applied this tool, I was freed. It eliminated over 80% of my anger immediately, proving that with the right driver, mastering the mind is entirely possible. The other 19% over time, and the last 1%? Well, anger for me is rare, but even with the SEW and the course, you probably won’t be perfect, but you will discover an inner joy you never had, even back when your marriage was “fine”.

Stan and “The True Chimney”

When I was in my twenties, I built houses, and my master mason taught me a powerful lesson. One day I joked with him: “Stan, your chimney isn’t true.” Without looking back, he replied: “Yes, it is. The house isn’t true.”

He knew, and he knew he knew. That is how it is with this course- true within spaceship tolerances. Everything is accurate, practical, clear, and purposefully designed to get you out of the swamp and moving in the right direction. As you test what you learn, your commitment will grow. Soon enough, your spouse will slowly come to believe you are sincere, and they will gradually begin to feel hopeful. They don’t need to take the course with you—because it only takes one person to save a marriage. It takes you. (Some spouses sign up and they get a big discount, but never push it on them).

Frequently Asked Questions About Going Solo

What if it doesn’t work for me?

It will, and you will see it working—if not within the 3-day free trial, then within the 30-day money-back guarantee period. In the rare cases beyond the course’s reach, you will know well before 30 days.

What if my spouse doesn’t respond?

The changes you make are not subtle or unnoticeable. As you consistently respond with poise and goodwill, your spouse can no longer react to the “old you.” Their behavior naturally shifts in response to who you have become.

Will I slip back into old habits?

Some people do temporarily, but not for long. Because you have lifetime access to the material, any setback simply serves as a prompt to revisit the core principles until your new habits take permanent root.

Do both husband and wife need to take the course?

No. While a spouse may eventually become inspired by your progress, it only takes one person to change the environment of a marriage. You hold full power to alter the dynamic single-handedly.

Step Out of the Confusion

Course Details

You will sign up for a free 3-day trial, choosing either full payment (3-days later) or a payment plan (the budget plan is less than $10 a week, the first payment starting in 3 days.). You will fill out an easy, non-intrusive intake form (not mandatory) and have instant access. The full course is 12 weeks of mostly video classes that are released in batches during the 12 weeks. Each class is a step forward- all proven, time-tested, and valuable. At any time, you may privately and securely reach out to one of our TMF-certified marriage counselors.

There is no fluff, but there will be ideas, techniques, and guidance that take some time to absorb. Even though the course is 12 weeks, most people rewatch, take notes, and practice for more than a year. The initial results will all be your own changes. But pretty soon, a matter of weeks, you will see the tensions subside, and attitudes shift. The progress will be unmistakable.

I know you may feel scared by what is happening in your relationship—I have seen that fear a million times. But with the course, the lights will soon be turning on. You will start to see the obstacles for what they were, along with the incredible opportunities waiting for you. If you are facing a true crisis, our gender-specific solo online courses provide the structured, step-by-step intervention required to rebuild your relationship from the ground up. Take the first step today and begin transforming your marriage from the inside out. We at The Marriage Foundation pray for you and are with you.