No matter how things are at home you can always have a better marriage, to feel more loved and appreciated
Marriages tend to “settle-in”
Day-to-day life with jobs, kids, and late night TV seems to take over. It’s true. But it’s not fate, or inevitable. You can have a much better marriage than you think. The trick to having a great, not just good, marriage is in the know-how.
Marriage, by its very design, produces ever-increasing fulfillment and happiness All you have to do is know how to do it
Keep doing what is right, while correcting what is wrong
Even though ’cause and effect’ is so simple and obvious when you hear about it people don’t think about how it applies to their marriage. That forgetfulness causes problems; sometimes fatal.
Without recognizing marriage is 100% defined by ’cause and effect’ people think you can “just do it” without any training. They consider marriage natural, like it is just a next step after getting to know someone and falling in love. They do not recognize the tremendous paradigm shift, or properly respond to it once they do.
Taking their marriage for granted by “just doing it” also causes them to miss out on the incredible benefits of a conscientious marriage. They forget they are the ones, the ONLY ones setting all the causes in place. When you apply know-how for success and happiness the sky is the limit.
What you do proactively will make a difference
Cause and effect rules. There is no getting around this universal law that applies to every aspect of life. You can begin doing the simple stuff right way.
- Be kind in all situations
- Communicate in a loving way, even when you don’t “feel like it”
- Be thoughtful, considerate, polite, and understanding
Someone with marriage know-how behaves in ways that creates happiness. Marriage is not a “ride”, you know. We who know never take our spouse for granted. We stop and think before we speak or do something that involves them.
Lack of know-how is the reason most marriages hit their happiness peak fairly early on, and they usually slide downhill from there. Because unless you have know-how you unknowingly make plenty of mistakes that undermine your good actions and sweet words.
- Yelling, or speaking with irritation is poisonous
- Crude or rude comments always hurt
- Inconsiderate requests or expectations burdens your spouse, and you
Unless you are mindful it’s easy to forget you married the love of your life so you treat them like a servant or sibling.
People with marriage know-how fully appreciate what works to enhance, and why. They also know what creates unhappiness, and why. The great marriages of the world are created by the couple. They don’t just happen by themselves.
You don’t have to be “perfect” to have a perfect marriage
A happy marriage isn’t dependent on you being good people, well matched, financially secure, or whatever else. A great, good, or terrible marriage really boils down to ‘know-how’. Remember ’cause and effect’? It’s reliable. You can use it, or victimize yourself. Because of it you are the master of your marriage.
When you have know-how you can consciously gear your actions towards producing more happiness. Importantly, when you have know-how very few of your actions will undermine your happiness. Because you will know.
Doesn’t it make sense? This logic of know-how for better results applies to virtually everything in life. Why wouldn’t it apply to your marriage, too?
The list of what requires ‘know-how’ for better results is endless
Driving Cell phones Putting on makeup Gardening Communication Raising children Crafting Photography Cooking Dressing Singing and everything else!
People mistakenly think they know enough about marriage
I guarantee you have a lot to learn. But this common misbelief is understandable. After all, we have “seen” marriages our whole lives so we imagine we already know about them.
Well, we see driving our whole life before we get behind the wheel, too. But you never let your teens get behind the wheel without sufficient training. My contention is commonsensical. But we somehow miss it in our own marriages.
To add to this common assumption that you will be fine without marriage know-how, most of what we are exposed to, including TV shows, movies, friends, and articles, tells us that logic can solve any problem and “love is all you need”.
We are “taught” that only marriage experts really know, so we should turn to them when we have problems. But neither is true.
We need to learn how to control our own end, how to express marital love, and how to avoid the pitfalls unique to marriages. Those are squarely our responsibility.
You, and everyone else, needs marriage education. Not the same kind an expert gets. But you need to understand your part, so you can gear your day-to-day actions towards the happiness marriage is meant to bring.
Marriage requires a different kind of thinking
Marriage is esoteric in nature, meaning you can’t see souls or love, which are fundamental to marriage. That makes marriage maintenance a bit trickier than say maintaining a car; but it’s only trickier at first. Once you learn the whats, hows, and whys, marriage is quite natural. But you have to learn.
Marriage is a ‘protected space’ where only two of you reside. You are in a “safe zone”. The vows aren’t deal points, like in business. They are vows of lovers.
World thinking and behaviors are essentially ‘selfish’
Marriage thinking and behaviors are essentially ‘selfless’
In marriage you can safely open your heart, mind, and soul – all the time!
Opening up in marriage is probably not what you think it is. Opening up in marriage is not about releasing emotions. Its about opening your heart!…try that in a business meeting!
You open your heart to feel your soul love and connection. That in turn brings the happiness, which is why you got married in the first place!
You have in your marriage the most powerful vehicle for happiness there is. If you sit there, waiting for something to happen… it won’t.
Marriage is not a “ride”
You have to do your part!
When I was a divorce mediator I thought marriages “wore out” and it was nearly impossible to be happy for long. I truly thought I was doing people a favor by helping them get a divorce efficiently and inexpensively (compared to a legal battle). But I was wrong!
By “chance” one day I blurted out to a young couple that I would try to help them stay together, if they wanted. I didn’t know where to begin. I had to reinvent the wheel! I had to learn marriage, from the bottom up. One thing that made my approach different was that I didn’t think of an “okay” marriage as good enough.
I began with “why do people get married?” and I uncovered the universally correct answer; to enjoy the happiness that comes from soul love.
Then I systematized marriage training for them, and others, to make an efficient, fairly easy, and complete process.
Everyone should gain the know-how for an exceptional marriage
The benefits are quantifiable
- Ongoing, ever increasing happiness
- Unbelievably deep love connection
- Enjoyment of each other’s company, that grows
- Sweet communication
- Wonderful family dynamics
For the past 16 years I have been showing people how to get the happiness they want through my two books and the online courses-with-counseling program I offer through The Marriage Foundation (the nonprofit nonsectarian foundation I created to spread my discoveries).
It’s almost never too late
Some people imagine they cannot reclaim the love that inspired their marriage in the first place. I understand that.
Some think they waited too long to get help or it’s too hard now because “really bad” things happened. But very few happenings, like infidelity or affairs, have to be marriage-enders. Those are best regarded as wake-up calls. Bad things are only symptoms. Some symptoms are gnarly, but they pass when you do what you should do.
Symptoms occur because neither have the know-how to create a wonderful marriage. Those terrible things will fade if you change things up.
Whether your marriage is under-performing or in serious trouble the fix is always the same
A marriage is living. You have free will. Once you change the course of your marriage the past will no longer matter, for long.
I want to encourage you to get the know-how for your marriage. If you are suffering it will end your suffering. If you are bored it will end the boredom. If you are unsure, it will end the uncertainty…go for it.
I invite you to leave a question or comment, share this article if you think it will inspire others, and write to us if you would like some advice from our counselors.