This book will help you have a much better marriage. In some cases, not all (when a marriage is sliding toward separation we suggest our courses), ‘Lessons’ will be more than enough to turn your marriage around. That is because it is “usable”. The knowledge imparted is, simply put, direct, and because it is all so common sensical you will be able to apply it without worrying if it is right for you and your marriage.
Author, Paul Friedman was a divorce mediator in San Diego over 20 years ago. But when one of his clients asked him to help them save their marriage, he did his research with a simple agenda “how do we make this marriage work like it should”. Not surprisingly, because ALL his clients arrived from couples counseling, he discovered that, in comparison, current western psychological thinking and practices, no matter how “interesting,” is inappropriate for marriage. Paul’s “simple” approach in this, his first book on marriage, is focused on what to do, and what not to do, and why.
Paul thoroughly explains the steps he advises so you can put them into practice based on the foundational knowledge he recognized as vital. Importantly, he prioritizes that which needs to be done to turn your marriage around quickly. You won’t waste time. Utilizing this book as a manual, as one would use for anything that requires one (marriage certainly needs a manual), Paul covers everything you need to know. He says, “An epiphany is the collapse of bad habits under the weight of accumulated wisdom.” This book shares his true and accurate marital wisdom.
The Marriage Foundation has grown so much since this book was published, helping tens of thousands of desperate and near desperate individuals and couples achieve the happiness and love they rightfully seek from their marriages. Yet, nothing in this book needed revising. It is simple truth.
If you pick up a pebble in your shoe and do not remove it right away, the pain will gradually build until it is unbearable. Over time, if you ignore it, a little pebble will even cause blisters and scabs. That one little pebble will cause so much pain that eventually you will walk with a limp. However, once you remove the pebble, you feel immediate relief. Soon you can forget all about the pebble as your gait becomes normal and walking is a pleasure again. Of course you also become a lot more careful about where to step, consciously avoiding pebbles. Marriage is like that. The pebbles are mistaken and unintended misbehaviors that cause tremendous pain and ongoing suffering. Once you begin to identify these destabilizing behaviors, you will have the power to avoid them. Once you know what to look for you will gain higher and safer ground, and the pebbles will just be pebbles.
Marriage has no tally sheet where you get to balance your good and bad behaviors. There is no scorecard. Bad actions immediately block views and memories of the good; no matter how vast the good is; just as your hand can completely block the entire sun from your view. Even though both of you are really good people, with your good traits far outweighing your bad habits, it is hard to feel it because of the eclipse effect. It is the same when a minor part on your car goes out and the whole car shakes like a jalopy.
What you learn about marriage has to be universally applicable and work when applied, all the time. It cannot be something that only works if you are a Christian, Jew or Mormon, American or Spanish. What works has to be scientific. It has to work because it works with human and spiritual natures regardless of individual culture or beliefs.
Relaxing in the presence of your spouse is a good thing; but not at their expense. Think how happy you feel when your spouse is genuinely concerned and considerate. Naturally, nobody exhibits all the characteristics expressed here, but it only takes one example, even if it is not listed, to fit the bill of over familiar destructive mistreatment.Go back to sweet behaviors, even if your spouse does not. It is your job to try to win your spouse’s affection and appreciation—regardless of how you are treated.
Never allude to any possible flaw your spouse may have. Both listening to, and sharing gossip are horrible and we all know it. Can you see how gossiping about your own spouse is traitorous; just because you are mad over some trifle of the moment? Is this cool? It is so accepted as normal these days!Other people I have met with said they only put down their spouse to a close confidant; they said they needed to speak to someone or they might explode. I say explode, if that is the choice!
