Whatever the current “reason” you are looking for marriage help; whatever is going on in your marriage that is causing concern, there are two questions you should ask before you decide what kind of help you want, and where you should turn.
Question One – Do you want your marriage to be vastly improved, by changing your marriage at its core?
Question Two – Are YOU willing to make personal changes, or do you see your spouse as the whole problem?
If your problem is “smallish” maybe we can help you right away. One of our counselors may have an idea you haven’t thought of. It’s free to ask, and you will get a quick response from someone who has many years of experience, with all kinds of issues.
Otherwise, if your marriage is in trouble, or heading that way, you may actually consider yourself fortunate. Because by using our marriage help program you can effectively deal with your current problem(s), AND, at the same time, you will learn what you need to do to completely change the dynamics of your marriage, forever.
You may already know we also offer two different marriage help books,Lessons For A Happy Marriage and Breaking The Cycle (our therapist training manual). These are great, and have saved many marriages, but there is nothing I know of that is as effective as our program.
Your marriage is likely suffering from underlying symptomatic errors. These errors in thinking and behavior create what appear to be nearly unsolvable problems, which you recognize by your marriage being generally stagnant, or declining. That’s why your marriage will likely take pointed action to turn around. Generally speaking, issues, such as lack of intimacy, affairs, constant anger, mistrust, and other larger types of problems are the result of these “core” errors, which create all manner of problems in marriage. Addressing these core issues is is our strength. We can help you.
Some core errors of thinking include expectations that are unreasonable. I once saw a cartoon where a teacher was complaining to Einstein’s parents, saying that he would never succeed; that he was too messy and absent minded. I have often had to explain to men that their wife was not designed by nature to be like them, and, on the other “side”, I have had to explain to wives that men cannot feel love the same way they do. Our individual experiences, alone, will not allow us to truly understand the other gender. But when you see the science behind the reasons for gender differences you will be able to modify your thinking and behaviors. It is kind of cool to learn to work with the differences instead of trying to change each other.
Marriage, to us, is scientific. If something is wrong there are specific reasons at the core level.
What is going to make your marriage work has much more to do with understanding all that goes into it, than individual intentions. Of course your intentions are good! You want your marriage to bring you happiness! This is very important. But you cannot imagine a great marriage into existence, nor can you change one or two things and make everything better. You have to know how to make the right kinds of efforts and avoid the wrong kinds. It takes a lot of education, well worth it by the way. You also have to decide you are willing to do the work. Then we can help you. Then everything will work out as best it can, usually much better than you ever had before.
Paul Friedman created these world class programs, and remains actively involved. Although we have heard from some that his approach can feel a bit harsh at times it is to be expected. Not everyone is sincere when they seek help. Some people do not want to discover their own actions and attitudes are part of the problem, so they resist useful guidance. We know we cannot help everyone.
All our advice is always, 100% of the time, backed up by core scientific principles; biological and spiritual. Nothing we present is based on theoretical ideas. Our marriage help program works because of its reliance on provable science.
For instance; “anger is the result of thwarted desires”. This is as factual as it is simple. Now, this reality about anger does not mean that one should simply dismiss all anger, or come to other crazy conclusions that will harm you individually. But remembering this scientific principle gives you many options you did not have before (once you understand it more deeply) about how you can deal with anger; whether it is yours or your spouses. There are many ways to deal with anger, and we make sure you can evaluate things to your, and your marriage’s advantage. This is just one example. Marriage is scientific.
When you hear advice from us you will clearly understand why what we share with you is important to your marriage from a scientific, cause and effect, point of view. Our method of teaching will give you confidence in your newly acquired marriage saving actions. But don’t worry about not “getting” something. If something is not pristinely clear you do not have to be left hanging. Our counselors will explain things you may not initially understand, so you never have the feeling of uncertainty. We offer this service to all, whether you have signed up for the program, are reading one of our books, or just need some quick advice.
The science we teach is not always intuitive. We are so conditioned by habits, culture and generally accepted practices which are just crazy (look how long it took for people to accept civil rights for all). So some people will test the principles; that’s good! But there are some few people who are so stubborn. They continue to do what both science AND their own trial and error will repeatedly show them does not work. Yet they insist on their old views and behaviors continuing to rule them and keep them miserable. Not everyone is mature enough to take true responsibility for their actions, or accept the “mechanical” results of their actions. We wish it were not so. Thank God those people are rare. But we are very patient, anyway. We want your marriage to be happy.
We are very sincere about helping you. Of course our role is not to pander to your emotions or wrong desires. You must do your part.
If what we teach is tried, in most cases you will have success. If you do not get the resulting better marriage we promise, we will not blame you, or us. Sometimes a marriage is too far gone (it is statistically rare), and some individuals are too weakened by drugs, alcohol, or other mental handicaps to the point where they cannot muster the strength. Either way, our guarantee gives you the right to get your money back (there is a time limit, of course). Naturally, our counseling sessions are not guaranteed. We train licensed veteran therapists who must be paid for their time.
The truth is you will not risk more than an hour or so (you will know quickly if our program will work for you) and you have three months to try the program. But you will see the value of our program very quickly.
What if only one of us is looking for marriage help?
What is so inspiring is that the example set by one of you can have a radical impact on your spouse. We just got this from someone whose wife finished the program five months ago. … “My wife did your training in October… I want to be the best person I can for her that’s why I’m doing your training… I am trying my best but I have slipped sometimes and said things I shouldn’t. I want to work through your program and be a good person.”
We have this happen so many times it is normal to us, now. But of course you never know. We have seen husbands come around even five years later! But they did come around. Usually, though, the wife changing her own approach to their marriage is more than enough for happiness.
Some people want to know what we mean by “scientific”. It is very interesting, mostly because prior to The Marriage Foundation addressing marriage as a whole as scientific, marriage help was roughly broken into three camps; religious, psychological, and anecdotal. It is we who introduce the fourth, and best way – scientific.
The first camp was the religious, or faith based approach. Honestly, I like this approach best of the first three because it is based on deep spiritual principles of friendship and marriage. It is moral, and though open to interpretation as to what scripture applies to what, it is still based on universal principles of behavior. Who can argue with basic spiritual principles like “treat others the way you want to be treated”? Where this approach falls short is that it is usually applied in the context of couples counseling; which is by and large a disastrous idea right from the start.
The second camp is the psychological approach. I cannot stand this approach because the principles run counter to common sense. They make the soul an idea of the mind, an abstraction. The modern psychologist is trained to believe you are the body and mind, and you have a soul (maybe).
Well, how can that be the case? Who, in this case, is in charge of the mind?? In fact one of the most important premises of happiness is that you are obligated to control your mind. So, “who” does that? It is common sense that you are the soul, and you have a mind. In fact, Paul devised a technique that gives individuals control over their mind like never before. It is called SEW, and is amazing. It is thoroughly explained in the program.
The third camp is almost useless. Depending on how convincing a speaker the anecdotal marriage “expert” is only as good as his own experiences. Someone had a rough time, and did “what it took” to bring their marriage back. It just lacks universal objectivity, because not every couple has the same experiences in life and marriage. We have had to help survivors of these programs, and it is not so easy because they were convinced emotionally, not by logic.
The scientific approach we have is the best. It follows every behavior and tendency all the way back to biological origins, which are the root cause of what we think of as “natural” behaviors and reactions. These drive-to-survive actions undermine all happiness. They define selfishness, which is the opposite of what is required to have a truly happy marriage.
There are so many marriage programs out there, and some are effective “enough”. We do not go along with “enough”. Marriage is a unique creation that promises incredible happiness when you follow the simple “rules” that are just for marriage. We want to share what we know to all. But who looks for what we have if they are not suffering? So consider your current situation a blessing. And lets get you on the marital highway to heaven.