Do you have any idea how important marriage communication is to your spouse? Are you sick and tired of fighting because you can’t understand what they are trying to say to you?
Everyone knows the importance of good marital communication. Many books discuss general communication, but marital communication is highly specialized.
When I spoke with a local public school principal, I asked why they don’t teach communication skills. She gave me the party line: There are things that have to be taught at home by the family. I asked her where the family might have learned to communicate properly. She told me that was a good question, the all of a sudden remembered something very important she had to do.
What you learn in school will not help save your marriage
Imagine what it would be like if you have learned how to communicate with your spouse in school. “How to live” education is irrefutably the most important education you can ever hope to receive, schools should offer it, but they don’t. So, we are on our own. You need to learn as much as you can about communication, gender differences, integrity, loyalty, life goals, and other topics that give purpose to our existence. Almost all of us wish to get married and raise families, yet nothing in our public school systems support these universally accepted endeavors.
The failure of marriages is easily traced back to the massive ignorance surrounding the above topics. We are not able to draw on our educational experiences from school when we need to save a marriage.
Good marriage communication is essential, but not enough to save marriage
If your chosen profession was home building, without a doubt you know it’s true that you would have to become an expert in the numerous fields needed to construct a house. You must be knowledgeable in zoning laws, drainage and erosion, foundations, architecture, building materials, heating and air conditioning, etc.
Similarly, spouses need to be experts in the essential aspect of marriage communication. Without all of the corresponding knowledge, they will remain ill-equipped for marriage.
FACT: You cannot learn from psychologists
Using the example of a home builder, let’s imagine you began building a home and ran into your first massive problem. What would you do?
If you are going to dig a little deeper, the most intelligent thing that you can do would be to find a solution to proceed without completely screwing up your house. For starters, filling in the missing pieces of your home-building knowledge is possible since there are many books and authorities available.
Unfortunately, that is not the case for marriage. The current batch of so-called experts are all grown out of the Western psychological community. They are schooled to see the human mind in such a perverted way that they only confuse those seeking to right their marriage.
Marital communication is unique to marriages. Why is this so?
No universal method of communication is effective in all aspects of life. Marital communication is highly specialized, but it isn’t complicated.
Those who have read about marital communication in my Lessons for a Happy Marriage “get it” immediately and don’t need a training course dedicated to communication. General communication courses are designed to help individuals who need the help primarily for business interactions. In other words, your marriage is not a business.
Here’s a number of advice that will improve your marriage communication
NOTE: According to most surveys I have seen, poor communication is the first or second reason listed by couples when their marriage is suffering.
This should come as no surprise. It’s not like schools teach children communication skills. At home, all the skills of communication are pretty much driven towards getting what they want. That means children (and eventually ourselves as adults) never learn the rules for mutually beneficial communication from real experts.
When we do get some lessons from experts, it’s usually only in the field of negotiations; it’s all about getting what we want, and not expressing love. Ah ha! Marital communication should be all about expressing your heart’s love!
The primary purpose of communication in marriage is to express your heart’s love. Why? Because expressing love will raise the level of joy and happiness in your marriage. Isn’t that what you want? Isn’t that a huge part of why you got married?
Sometimes we allow the mundane, day-to-day, so-called necessities of life to distract us from the real meaning of life. When we don’t feed our love into our marriage, we starve it and each other.
It’s time for you to stop and try these helpful suggestions in your marriage. We guarantee that it will improve your marital communications:
- Before speaking to your spouse, stop and think if you are about to use one of the three C’s. You never want to Criticize, Complain to, or Condemn your spouse. They are your best friend and it you must treat them as such.
- Find legitimate reasons to compliment your spouse’s appearance, efforts, and intelligence. You need to sincerely do this at least twice a day (or more often), your spouse will be a happier person.
- Tell your spouse “I love you” for no reason whatsoever; they are your lover and it serves as a good reminder for each of you.
- Any time you need to bring something up be incredibly polite; treat them better than you would anyone else. They are more important to you than anyone else.
- Always ask if it is a good time to chat before you start into something that needs thought; being respectful is a way to express love.
- Be a good listener so you can learn what is important to your spouse. Asking what they like in all areas gives you love ammunition.
- Express gratitude for your spouse, to your spouse, and to anyone else who will listen.
Everyone is open to positive communication and you need to make it happen. Your spouse will love it once you have made up your mind to be the best spouse ever. They will change how they behave towards you, too. If you want more help with your marriage, I invite you to read Breaking the Cycle or taking our more thorough Marriage Help Program.