Fear is one of the greatest killers of happiness. Don’t you just hate it whenever fear is with you?
When we allow an idea or negative feeling to take hold in our mind, it can grow far beyond the actual threat. Fear, aided by an unruly imagination, can even turn an ordinary man across the street into a killer waiting to ambush you.
Watching TV also stimulates the imagination into negative streams of thought. The six o’clock news makes the world look like a very dangerous place. We forget news organizations gather the most titillating news from the four corners of the world in order to grab our attention. We rarely see or hear of extreme acts of kindness or heroism on the news. And we don’t consider, out of six billion people in the world, they are only able to fill a few minutes of the day with news of atrocities and violence. The world is much safer than we are led to believe.
Our marriages are the same.
Your marriage is much safer than it may appear to be. Despite external programming to expect the worst, people’s lives are more natural than we imagine. Most men in the world do not want to cheat on their wives. Most women in the world really do want to have a wonderful family. But our subconscious memories are filled with what we see and hear from the media. So we’re tainted, suspicious, and fearful.
I met with many couples who had completely false notions about their spouse’s intentions and behavior. Nearly everyone I met with was convinced their spouse was untrustworthy and untruthful. When I questioned them, they realized they had exaggerated little incidents into huge dramas that scared them into very defensive positions.
Most of the people I’ve met with felt very relieved when they discovered their spouses were actually really good people — the same ones they married. So remember, when you feel like your marriage is imploding, you are probably blowing your marriage problems out of proportion.
Trust and love your spouse.
FACT: You have so much to gain by giving them your trust and love. You are in it together. Make your marriage a sacred space and never forget to tell them, “I love you”.Instead of thinking I'll make the best of what I have, think I'll make what I have, the best. Click To Tweet
The Truth About Marriage Problems
Marriage problems we experience are the actually only symptoms, so going after them individually is like adding oil to your car every day or so, when you really should do is just fix the leak.
Or it would be like ignoring the fact that you have constant heartburn, and you keep eating spicy foods.
Does this make sense?
Going after the symptoms is kind of a waste of time. It doesn’t work at all; neither in the short or long term.
Because of a general lack of marital understanding, people tend to think it is their current marriage problems, and complaints, as the things they have to address in order to have a happy marriage.
But that is not going to work no matter how diligently you try. Marriage is not like that.
Let me explain “how” you can fix your marriage problems
Your very first plan of attack (no matter how big the emergency is), should be to learn how to create a good marriage. Included in this tact is learning what things you should not do; things that hurt marriage.
Then, but only if your marriage problems persist, you might have to ask an expert what they think you are missing. But usually a fix-it-yourself approach is exactly what you need. Usually, when you actually know exactly how to be married (I know it sounds crazy, especially if you have been married for years and years) your marriage will be fine, or even greater. I have seen it so often!
It is always unfair to blame your marriage problems on one or the other of you; even if there is cheating, or some other awful thing going on; because you got there together!
People would come into my office armed to the teeth with blame, and expectations that the other would change. Both of them had it in their heads, “Oh if only they would change, everything would be fine.” They imagined that although they themselves are not perfect at least they did not cheat, or use porn, or whatever.
I understand their thinking.
But to make matters worse, they watch talk shows like Dr. Phil and watch him “miraculously” solve a couple’s problems by helping a person see their “one” flaw; as if they didn’t know!? Ridiculous!
No, I didn’t allow my couples to vent, because that only adds more toxins into the marriage.
I began by asking them if they were both sincere in wanting to heal their marriage. If both are dedicated to the success of their marriage there is no chance of failure.
The next step is to put the brakes on, by teaching them how to control their mouths and minds. On my white board, the same one I use in the course we offer, I showed them exactly how fights happens.
Because it is more of a how, than a why.
When you know “how”, your marriage problems will go
In other words, my approach is to educate individuals on marriage. They didn’t learn the same or know the same. But between them both, they had it down. They get the marriage they want.
Later, I wrote books, and created this non-profit foundation, so everyone could deal with their marriage problems the right way.
So, do yourself a favor.
Be smart about fixing your marriage. Don’t give up, and don’t think things will just somehow change. You have to learn, Then you will be fine.
But here’s something really interesting:Men usually ruin their marriage, and wives usually end them. Click To Tweet
This is not to say that women are innocent victims, they do dumb things too.
But men ruin their marriage more often. And the way they do it is sort of interesting, because in some ways making their marriage wonderful is the exact opposite of what men are “taught” about how to behave.
Many men happily model the John Wayne image, and his approach to marriage. But good old JW was married 3 times, and cheated on all of his wives.
I feel sorry when men ruin their marriage; seriously.
That’s why I’m going to reveal something that nobody else even mentions; although it is in our marriage saving course.
Men and women are both driven by both the drive-to-survive and it’s subordinate drive-to-procreate. But that is pretty much the end of male/female similarities.
It is absolute that we are all souls in our essence; but once we have a body, the gender of that body forces our mind to approach life in accordance to the bio gender. Even LGBTQ people for the most part, mostly have subconscious attributes tied to their biological gender.
The gender difference is very good news when we understand each other. But when we try to create an abstract persona not in keeping with self control, and keep looking for new ways to love our spouse first, we run into trouble.
Here is where men ruin their marriage, and the answer might surprise you
On the subconscious level, beyond our recognition, men are the “protector”, and women are the “nurturer”.
The female, who bears children, has her DNA written to “be there” for her children for the rest of her life. So subconsciously, she seeks a man who will provide the family’s protection. She seeks a strong man. So the family is protected.
Men have a different need and different role. He still needs love, though. However, men are not naturals when it comes to love.
They are driven to seek sex, not connection.
If not for their soul’s craving for love, men could do without it entirely.
But thank God, he needs love and intuitively knows his chosen woman will provide that (though they are “taught” to be like men, by idiot role models like Madonna and other women libers).
Put the two subconscious core elements together, and you have a great pact.
It’s easy isn’t it? But there’s more.
There is a subconscious pact that neither consciously recognize; men are there to protect, and women are there to honor. So, men ruin their marriage when they use their power of protection upon their wife.
Subconsciously, the man breaks the pact! And that’s it.
Men who shout at, intimidate, tease, or otherwise dominate, are misusing their force. They are like bodyguards waving a gun in the face of their employer …and then they will have to “get fired”.
What to do about it?
Not being cute, but if you want to save your marriage after you have done this you will need to do a lot more than just read an article. You can try to figure things out on your own, but you can learn to fly a jet on your own, too. Best thing is to read one of our books, or use our marriage program; that’s the easier way.