What To Do When Your Husband Is Not Affectionate

Loss of Affection in Marriage: Wife Role as an Example to Husband
How can you regain the affection and intimacy you crave?

If your husband no longer shows affection towards you in your marriage, be reassured that, though his love may be hidden, it hasn’t left.

You may feel that the two of you have become distant, feel as if your marriage is unraveling, or you may even ask yourself if your husband is having an affair, or wonder if it’s too late to turn your marriage around. When I worked one-on-one with wives who shared your concerns, I began by setting an expectation of achieving very positive results.

The only acceptable outcome when you seek help is a happier and more fulfilling marriage. Yet, I continue to see countless couples visit traditional therapists for months or years, digging into what happened, rather than focusing on what you can do today to rebuild your intimacy and connection.

There is one general ‘requirement’ for success. You must be very committed. You must be willing to put in the energy necessary to learn and practice the marital arts we teach. Trying a few tips from some random article you found online, even this one, will not do the trick; that I promise you!

The good news is that saving your marriage is not dependent on both you and your husband making an effort. Many of our clients are individuals who began the process of saving their marriage on their own and who were tremendously successful.

Your marriage can and usually will shift faster than you think, but not instantly. You must first stop the current, downward trend, then you can begin applying marriage building efforts at the foundational level. From there, your situation will improve steadily, and forever. Achieving a full recovery is not as hard as you might think.

What Is Intimacy?

my husband does not show affection
Use intimacy as a gauge for your marriage.

When you got married you were hoping to live happily ever after, meaning that you thought the intimacy and love you shared would continue to grow and expand forever.

What most likely happened then is that a couple of years after the wedding, or maybe only months later, the affection, love, and intimacy diminished.

Probably you both subconsciously thought that now that you were married, your love and connection would grow automatically, without putting in any effort.

Intimacy is not a goal you achieve by getting married. Nor is it something that once you’ve attained it, it will automatically remain a permanent ingredient of your relationship.

It is the result of a conscious and constant loving effort on your part.

Intimacy is the connection between two loving hearts.

The time you spend together, your communication, and even sex, are all tools you can use to increase that connection.

And you can use intimacy as a gauge to determine the health of your marriage.

Whether you are religious or not, don’t think of yourself as just a bundle of cells getting high on a chemical cocktail we call love.

You are a conscious entity, a soul, and you own a body and a mind. All three are distinct aspects of your being. Eating is a function of the body. Thinking is a function of the mind. Expressing true love is a function of the soul. When you consciously choose to open your heart and connect with your spouse, you are making a connection between your souls. This is the true meaning behind the term ‘soulmate’.

If you don’t consciously open your heart, you won’t connect with your spouse, you won’t share any intimacy and neither of you will be affectionate with the other.

Marriage is an exact science. If you push this button, you get this result. If you don’t push it, you don’t get the result. No connection, no affection. Does that make sense?

When you got married, you were both supposed to open the doors of your hearts to each other and continually put in an effort to express your love and devotion.

Again, you can use the level of intimacy you experience with your husband as a gauge to determine how well your marriage is doing. If you aren’t experiencing the intimacy you crave, that should be a wakeup call that you need to do something different.

Think of how feeling hungry motivates you to eat. Just complaining about the hunger won’t make you feel satisfied and content. Likewise complaining to your husband about what he is or isn’t doing won’t fix the lack of intimacy. You need to change your behavior. The solution isn’t to just have more sex. The solution is to consciously open up your heart and learn how to truly love.

Be The Example For Your Husband

Loss of Affection in Marriage: Keep Your Expectations in Check
Show him how to connect at the heart.

These days there are many people who want to believe that men and women are not only equal under the law, but that they are the same in every way.

However, in the real world of your day-to-day married life, you and your husband are completely different. You were attracted to him because of that difference. He has natural masculine power and other qualities you lack and find attractive. Independent of language, race, religion, or culture, nature dictated these differences at a biological level.

One biologically driven distinction is that few men have a connection to their hearts. Therefore most men think intimacy is just sex. Unfortunately, the world has reinforced that lowered definition through misunderstanding and spreading that ignorance through popular media.

As a woman, you know that intimacy can exist without sex, and sex can exist without intimacy. You are more connected to your heart, so you have a natural capacity for true love. Your husband was the Tin Man who didn’t even know he had a heart until just recently, whereas you’ve been conscious of yours since childhood.

Your open heart is why he married you. His heart was closed off until he married you and you helped him open it.

For that reason, you also have a better understanding of what intimacy is. You are the heart of your marriage. You are the expert in the realm of intimacy and love, and therefore you have a leadership role to play.

This duty isn’t imposed on you by others, culture, or religion, it’s imposed on you by biology, just as hunger is. However, fulfilling that role is still your choice.

Being equipped physically, mentally, and spiritually to become a mother, has made you more in touch with your heart and much better equipped to teach your husband about true intimacy. This shouldn’t be viewed as a burden.

As an equal partner in marriage, both of you contribute your strengths. Perhaps his are driving, lifting heavy items, physical protection, earning money, being a calm and centered pillar for you, and so on.

Your primary contribution to your marriage is showing him how to open his heart and connect it to yours.

Negativity Closes The Heart

Loss of Affection in Marriage: Be Sensitive to What Makes Your Husband Tick
Don’t expect him to understand you.

It’s not enough to be loving some of the time. The moon is 1/400th the size of the sun yet can completely block it during a total solar eclipse.

So even if you are loving 99% of the time, even a small amount of bad behavior can shutdown your husband’s interest in being affectionate or intimate with you. And from his perspective the same counts for you. Negativity, criticism, complaints, condemnation, emotional reactions, and fighting have no place in your marriage. These are the first things we teach you how to eliminate in our Complete Marriage System because they undermine all of your positive efforts.

Here is an example cheat sheet of behaviors that you have to stop doing:

  • Stop fighting, arguing, bickering, or being mean.
  • Stop reacting negatively to what he says or does. (We teach you how to do that in our system if you need help.)
  • Stop taking him for granted.
  • Stop complaining, condemning, or criticizing.
  • Stop trying to change or fix him.
  • Be sensitive to your husband’s triggers (and your own).
  • Stop having unreasonable expectations of him. (e.g. Forcing him to share his feelings before he’s ready)

You didn’t do any of these when you were dating, right? You get the point. Be a nice person that someone would want to be around, ALL of the time, regardless of whether he “deserves” it or not, or is a jerk or not.

“What about me?” you ask. Of course, he should not do any of these things either, but you are reading this article and we are talking to you. You are a loving mother to your children, even when they are selfish and rude, right? You can similarly rise above your husband’s immaturity and be loving instead of negative and reactive.

There is no room for both selfishness and love in marriage. Selfishness, no matter how subtle, blocks intimacy.

If you try to make your husband understand you, you’re never going to feel heard, or even listened to. Very few men have the capacity to understand women. Honestly, most women don’t understand other women either, but they “feel” each other; and that is NOT what a man does! Since you’re reading this article, there’s a pretty good chance you’re not married to the kind of “sensitive man” who could “feel” you, and you probably wouldn’t be happy with him anyway.

Instead of hanging onto expectations of him becoming something he’s not, it is wiser to appreciate your husband for who and what he is.

He wants to love you. But he needs to feel appreciated first. Good men are natural protectors and fixers. They are natural pleasers.

The trouble is that most women shut their husbands down so often that their man gives up trying to please them.

It’s true!

What I have seen over many years is that wives hit their husbands harder and harder with criticism, condemnation, and complaints. Then they wonder what happened.

Women marry men because they fell in love with a man. Then they read some dumb magazine article telling them how their husband should behave more like they do, and they become disenchanted. They complain to their husband, get frustrated with him for being a man, and end up pushing him away.

Your husband is not going to act like a girlfriend! Stop imagining that he will, and it will be a lot easier to experience intimacy in your marriage.

Are the problems in your marriage all your fault? Of course not. Are they all your husband’s fault? Absolutely not.

Both of you stopped doing all of the cutesy things you did when you were dating: smiling all the time, complimenting each other, and enjoying each moment. Instead of expressing your love fifteen times a day, and texting little hearts and emojis, you both started thinking more about yourselves, and less about what would make the other happy.

Then you guys started ruining the atmosphere with complaints, or jabs instead of compliments. Those little things added up and it didn’t take long for it to feel as if the love between you had dried up. It’s still there, of course, but it is definitely buried under layers of negativity.

Regardless of how you got here, the fact is that you’re in this situation. You both dug a hole and then fell into it. Now he’s sitting there wondering why you changed into such a mean person, and you’re wondering why he’s no longer interested in being affectionate with you anymore. Maybe you don’t think you are mean, but we’re talking from his perspective. Maybe you think you do all of these wonderful things for him, but they aren’t the things he truly desires.

The mistake traditional therapists make is that they focus on how you got here or who’s at fault. Unfortunately, that is completely, and totally irrelevant.

What is relevant is that you possess a ladder to help you both climb out of the hole and get your marriage back on track: a connection to your heart and an understanding of love and intimacy. Meanwhile, your husband doesn’t even know that such a ‘ladder’ exists.

So what are you going to do?

How To Set The Stage For Real Intimacy

Loss of Affection in Marriage: Do you have to have sex every time he snaps his fingers?

Improving a marriage can only be done by first learning to understand and control emotional and instinctive reactions, then by removing the negative blocks, and finally by building bridges to connect your hearts.

Intimacy is basically the spiritual connection between two souls who chose each other and then choosing to build a connection, without letting little things undermine it. Sex is one such bridge, but far from the only one.

Now that you have a foundational understanding of what intimacy is, and have shifted your behavior towards being completely loving, let’s look at how to create an environment where you and your husband can nurture real intimacy and affection.

If you want to reach your husband’s heart, it will happen much faster and far more easily by utilizing sex as the platform for the intimacy you desire.

Sex is not intimacy, that is true.

But using sex as a vehicle for intimacy, at least in the beginning, creates a good start. If you follow this suggestion, he will slowly improve his attunement with your affection.

Hopefully, you now understand that men are not biologically constructed to tap into their hearts the way women are. Because of that, men, and unfortunately many women also, use sex almost exclusively for physical pleasure, which is like driving an airplane on the road, and never realizing it can fly!

To nurture your intimacy, you need to refocus your lovemaking.

First of all, realize that his desire for you sexually is not an insult, as some women imagine. His desire for sex is a desire for you!

Never reject your husband’s advances. Realize that when you refuse sex, your husband will not understand that he is being rejected because of bad timing; so always be receptive.

Does that mean you have to have sex every time he snaps his fingers?


Don’t put words in my mouth! It means you have to lovingly accept his advances as he makes them, and redirect them ONLY when you cannot possibly have sex at that moment. But be super loving, complimentary, and smile. Explore other alternatives to intercourse, or when you must postpone, then make it a promise you will keep.

The point is that you don’t have to strip off your clothes every time he has an urge, but if you respond in a positive and loving way, you will not emasculate him.

Remember this: Do not say “no” in a way that shuts him down. If you do, he may feel discouraged and those little rejections start to add up until he stops trying.

Smile when he wants sex; be flattered, not burdened. Tell him how much he turns you on; tell him you get excited by his advances. Grab his hand and kiss him. If the timing is off, tell him you will rattle his bones later, then do it. Keep the spark alive! It really is that simple.

Next, when you do have sex, patiently and lovingly guide your husband into sharing a heart-oriented connection. Help him to lift your connection from the genitals to the heart. Encourage going slower, saying sweet things, making eye contact, caressing each other, but most importantly keeping your attention in the center of your chest. Focus on opening and connecting your hearts together. Use your free hands to caress up to his sternum or the same area on his upper spine to help him keep his attention and energy there. We talk more about intimacy in our program, but this should give you plenty to work with. The point is, you must show him the way.

Cultivate Intimacy Outside Of The Bedroom

Loss of Affection in Marriage: Setting the Stage for Intimacy in Your Marriage
Cultivate intimacy all of the time.

In this article, I emphasize sex as the primary tool with which to cultivate intimacy, but you can and should be nurturing the connection between your hearts all day long, outside of the bedroom. Here are some questions to ask yourself to ensure you are on the right track:

Do your actions and words express love to him, from his point of view?

Most women think they express love towards their husband by cooking, cleaning, and so forth.

But men are sensitive creatures who need constant reminding of their “usefulness.” They thrive on acknowledgment and compliments, especially about things they have done or provided for your family. Far too often wives take their husbands for granted and undermine their marriage with criticism and complaints.

If you want your husband to show you affection, you need to prepare the groundwork with loving expressions. If you are mean or cutting to your husband, you will lose him.

Do you treat your man like the finest man in the world?

Nothing hurts a man more than being compared poorly to other men, especially by his own wife. And nothing makes a man feel like a great husband more than a positive comparison to other men coming from his wife.

Your husband needs reminding of how much you appreciate him. Your husband is the finest man in your world and you need to satisfy his competitive nature.

Do you praise him to others?

If you do, tell him, so that he knows you take pride in him. Or speak highly of him to others when he’s present. Start praising him to others, while never revealing private information, and make sure he knows about it. REMEMBER: He needs the ego boost.

Do you make sex special?

Sex is important and a great way to show affection, but it will be “just sex” if he doesn’t see that you do it because you love him. Make sex into a special time of lovemaking. Reduce the pornographic aspect of it and aim for the heart connection rather than just the orgasm.

Do you smile at him just because you love him?

One reason he married you is because of your sweet and gentle nature. A loving smile will show your husband that you think positively of him.

The Bottom Line

Your marriage is like a container. The more sweetness you put into it, the sweeter it becomes for you both to enjoy.

You are the one who holds all the cards in the intimacy department. If your husband does not show affection, the solution is for you to start making the changes I’ve outlined above. And why wouldn’t you? What’s stopping you from creating your dream marriage, anyway?

Intimacy is the goal, but it is also your measuring stick to determine the health of your marriage.

So always keep these points in mind:

  • Avoid anything that derails happiness, like arguing and criticizing.
  • Consciously and proactively insert loving behaviors into your marriage: smiling, complimenting, etc.
  • Seek intimacy—the connection between your hearts—through all of your interactions, and not just in the bedroom.

When marriages are operating as they should, because at least one of you knows what to do and not do, intimacy expands naturally. You can do this!

And if you want our help, we’re here for you.

I have introduced a ton of new ideas and steps for you to take: from controlling your own negative emotional reactions, to changing your habits, to opening your heart and expressing love through all of your actions, words, and thoughts. It’s a lot to remember and take in all at once.

Many women feel like they need more of a helping hand to guide them step by step through the process. So I created an online video course that walks you through the entire methodology that I taught my clients when I worked one on one with them. You will learn from me personally as I guide you through each aspect of marriage in my Complete Marriage System.

To support your efforts at rebuilding your marriage, I’ve also trained and certified counselors who can answer your questions as you are working through the program. Feel free to reach out to them now if you have a question about your marriage.

Unconditional love, security, happiness, and prosperity can manifest in your marriage once you learn how to manage it properly. Marriage is the ultimate vehicle for achieving happiness when used correctly.

Please check out the free trial of my marriage system and start experimenting with your own marriage. We even offer a 90-day guarantee, so you have nothing to lose. You can change everything and regain the lost intimacy and affection both you and your husband crave. So start taking positive steps today!

Paul Friedman
Paul Friedman
Founder, The Marriage Foundation
Paul devised an entirely new approach to marriage that empowers individuals to finally understand and cultivate expanding happiness and love in their marriages.

He has written two books, produced several video educational programs, regularly speaks on marriage, and founded The Marriage Foundation as a non-profit organization.

Our mission is to end divorce by spreading Paul's revolutionary marriage system around the world. We have helped thousands of individuals and couples for nearly 20 years and in over 45 countries.

129 thoughts on “What To Do When Your Husband Is Not Affectionate

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Don’t give up, but learn how to turn your marriage into a loving hive of happiness

      • Teri Reply

        This opened up so much and spoke to my heart cause everything that was said I’m doing to my husband I need to be better so I can get back to where we were.

    • Ewa Reply

      I do all the things that you suggest and he just doesn’t want anything to do with me after 30 years of marriage

      • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

        Perhaps you can get a better idea of what is meant by watching our videos on youtube or reading one of our books.

    • Robert Carr Reply

      Holy crap…. this is how i feel and have felt for some time… although, i am the husband reading this.
      i am hopelessly and passionately in love with my beautiful, amazing wife. i am saddened that things have not been going well for us and i am heartbroken…. This is my love. My life! i have NEVER had any desire for anyone else and i do not want anyone but my love..

  1. Anna Ryan Reply

    My precious daughter has been married for over twelve years now to a very good man, they have only one child and have spent the last 9 years in a low to no intimacy mode. Everything she tries to talk to him or make any advances he says no, thus making her feel rejected and discusting. What can I do to help her, I’m afraid for their marriage and my precious Grandaughter

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Anna
      It is difficult to answer your question because there is no telling how receptive your daughter is to your suggestions, especially if they are second hand.
      All you can do is pray for her, as she will have to decide she wants to face her reality, and then decide she wants help. We pray with you.

    • Posh Reply

      I have been married for 7 years now. I was taught that I should meet my husband’s sexual needs, which I try as much as I can. It becomes difficult to have sex with someone who does not seem to care about how the other person feels. He minimizes my feelings sometimes, chooses other things or people over me ( he would cancel on whatever plans we have, if something else comes up). Sometimes , I give in to sex while feeling broken inside. I feel like I am betraying myself over and over again. I tell him at times that he really hurts, but he acts like I am being petty or even negates my feelings. When I express that our marriage is not in a good place, he feels like there is nothing wrong with our marriage. He really takes me for granted.
      When I feel hurt by someone and try and be comforted by him, he will always try and justify the other person.
      I really do not know what to do, but I feel like giving into sex, teaches him that he can get his needs met and that mine do not really matter. I really feel used on so many levels.

      • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

        Dear Posh
        The feelings you have are so painful and difficult to live with. But you do not have to! One of the killers of marriage is over-familiarity, which manifests as taking for granted, so your conditions are pretty normal.

        The good news, and trust me, it is VERY good news, is that though it feels all wrong to you your marriage is not near a disaster as so many who come to us for help have waited much longer. But you do need to get “educated” so you can do the things that re-inspire the love. Please, read either of my books. You will find all the answers in there. And, the good news is you don’t need the course. I am sure you will be be able to turn everything around. With your sincerity and openness all its going to take is some direction.
        Let us know how it goes.

        • Posh Reply

          Do you mean even when there is gas lighting, name calling , being shouted at and minimizing feelings, that can still work? My husband is a preacher, he cancelled our anniversary because ha was put on the calendar to preach. He had 2 weeks to find an alternative but he chose to sacrifice us. Unfortunately he does that all the time. When he gets home from work, he either sits in the bedroom or lounge sofa and have a bonding time with his phone. The only interaction, if there is at all is to shout or correct something that is been done wrong. Had a slap not so long ago. I really do not know…

          • Paul Friedman Post author

            I had to ask myself if he is this way to everyone, and the answer is an obvious no. He is a preacher, so he doesn’t fit in the category of unsavable.
            I then asked myself why he would avoid and reject you. That is an answer I cannot come up with. But you can.
            Then you can eliminate the behaviors that are offensive, because you have free will. Then, we can see if makes a difference.

          • Charlie

            What if it’s the other way , she is not affectionate with me at all , when I try to get close she gets up or leaves …goes to watch TV at 6am .

  2. Debi Reply

    You stated that if we, the women, aren’t affectionate and want sex with our man then it’s our fault that the men aren’t affectionate.
    That’s just plain bull. My husband of 43 years has been affectionate sometimes . He grew up in a household that showed no affection. Yes his parents never showed affection to their granddaughters. My parents were full of affection and always showed it . Now when I would like some kisses or mention that I look nice and yes sex there’s nothing. He says he will try harder but doesn’t.
    A couple of years ago he had an affair with a co worker but says nothing sexual took place . I’m not stupid. During this time he was affectionate , but also towards her . His fling went on for 2 years before I found out.
    I love my husband but I’m afraid he is not in love with me anymore. I’m not perfect I bring it up and ask him why. Nothing ! I get nothing. After all this I’m sick of being his housemaid .

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Debi
      I couldn’t find where I stated what you saw, so, please tell me where it is so I can re-word it, because I do not agree with the premise.
      However, I as I read your message I saw that you are not contentious, but really struggling. It is a shame, because you seem like a loving balanced woman with great intentions.
      If you do our program (and I hate sounding like a salesman!) your marriage is sure to come back in ways that are better than it ever has been. I am serious.

      • Thembeka Zuma Reply

        I’ve been married for just 5months, my Husband seems highly disconnected, we only dated a year before we decided to get married. During that period he was totally different, we’d chat more cuddle laugh etc but now just 5months into marriage he gets in bed in instantly falls asleep. He works really hard for us and I have no doubt that he loves me. I will try all the tips you’ve shared on this article.fingers crossed.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Thembeka and her husband did not prepare for their marriage. The good news is it is not too late for them. They can visit our sister foundation and take the course for engaged or newlywed couples. It is unreasonable to get married without significant preparation, https://premaritaledu.org/

      • Nita Reply

        I really don’t have affection for my husband anymore due to constant bullying from him. Am kind of wounded emotionally.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          Nita is just worn down. How many of us have those moments which can drag on for a long time especially when what we see as the cause just keeps coming. But, remember, never give up. There are usually solutions and if we keep looking we will find them.

  3. jonie belle Reply

    we have 4 years in relation and we had a baby … my problem is why he didnt propose … i am still waiting for that time to come … what might be wrong to us ??? and what should i do pls.. help .. i love him so much and his the only man i love … i always do my best and always show appreciation to him .. but why is that i cant read his mind

  4. Olivia A Reply

    Thank you for your article. After realizing I am attempting to become indifferent entirely with my husband after only 2 months of being married I Googled “My husband is not affectionate” hoping to get some answers. I appreciate your advice and insight to this situation. I thought my husband was “weird” because of his seemingly extreme lack of physical affection. I blamed it on his level of self discipline due to the fact he was a 40 year old virgin when we got married. After our marriage I realized he truly does not know HOW to show physical affection. My “natural” displays of affection seemed to not have the impact I was expecting from him, which popped in my thoughts after reading your sentence “Keeping your expectations in check..”. I did feel a sense of conviction after reading your article. His vs Hers expressions of love is eye opening since I tend to only see my perspective on the relationship. He expresses his love in actions rather then affections so I am grateful for that #1 question you posed. Fact is unknowingly I did have expectations that were very high. I was aware I would have to be patient but hadn’t considered the reality of being the teacher in both sex and affection. I pray for wisdom, understanding and patience. Another article I read suggested creating a list of both of our needs, in other words…literally penciling it all out. Ie…#1 Hug and Kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning etc. The combination of suggestions hopefully will be do the trick! Thank you again for the article.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Olivia,
      I am glad you are open to the situation you are in together. I would not, however,suggest such a list. I think as you open up to your husband, and slowly nudge his envelope, you will have deeper results. Moving from mind to heart is a process for the heart.
      Wishing you great joy.

  5. areareatzs Reply

    This article suggests that it is the woman, who is not doing something she should do in her marriage. This article is about how women should change just because their men are unable to do so. This article also suggests to have sex and even more sex with a husband who is not affectionate in order to become so. Although I agree that it is sometimes more difficult for men to show their affection but I believe the above article is not only degrading the existence of women but also degrading to men, depicting them as dumb sexmachines, who can only be manipulated with the help of sex. Maybe the writer of this article would be happy being the subject of such manipulation but as for me, I neither wish it for my husband, nor would be more satisfied with the kind of affection more sex, manipulation generates. But of course, maybe “affection” means just sex for some people, but in my vocabulary, it is a very complex thing including love, and care and kindness, as well as deep understanding of the other person. Forcing out any affection from anyone with sex might sound a good idea at first but will it last? Besides, why does any men think, that it is a woman’s duty to willingly have sex, even with her husband, who cannot show deep enough emotions to initiate a most intimate and loving interaction a man and a woman can ever have? Based on the article I might as well go and change any men around into an affectionate loyal pet by only having sex with, regardless of the fact whether he has any affection for me or not. I think it is high time that men stop being lazy and careless about their relationship and finally GROW UP and CULTIVATE their marriage and relationship instead of just expecting to have enough food, beer, fun and sex.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Areareatzs
      Naturally you read into the article what you are having difficulties with. Your inability to close the gap between what works and your philosophies of what “should” be is not unusual. The truth of the matter is what is in the article are accurate from a psychophysiological point of view. I would suggest you get one of my books, which explains the nature very scientifically. You can be more in tune with what is realistic without condemning it, and be far better off.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Taralynn
      Our method of inspiring and teaching people is through our online programs. You will find real solutions there.

  6. Amy Reply

    Our marriage has basically been horrible, we’ve been together for almost 50 Years! I won’t use the word married, because I’ve never really felt like its been a marriage. Since day one we’ve only had sex maybe a half dozen times. He told me that sex with me was disgusting, vile, smelly, messy to the point of throwing up. He wanted nothing more to do with sex intimacy or me. He then moved to our basement and started working the midnight shift, since then till this day he lives down stairs, we never talk to each other or interact. The only thing we share is our home. He doesn’t do porn or have a sweety on the side. So now that I’m older I just don’t care any more.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Amy
      I know what most people do not; that the lives of many are filled with so many various disappointments. But, I also know it is never too late to supplement our individual lives with meaningful activities; and move forward into the future with a sense of awe and adventure.

  7. crystal Reply

    I think that this article should be applied to men and women in its entirety. I think love is a two way street. The same questions you ask about praising your man and him being the finest man in the world, are also true to women. Women have just as much if not more insecurity in these areas as men do, and men tend to do these things less often than women. I believe men are very capable of taking this article and applying it to themselves as well. If both men and women make these kinds of efforts together, the relationship can in fact be rekindled. No one gets a free pass on neglecting their duties to their relationship, you both will get out what you put in. Its called “reciprocation”. Love the article, just think it really does go both ways. Thanks for the read.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You are right Crystal…men need to treat their wife with all the love of their heart mind and sol..but this article was written only for women. Though I have never gotten an email from a man telling me their wife was on porn sites…men and women are not the same.
      In fact our programs are written to each gender separately.

  8. wyne Reply

    I have been married 35 yrs. For the first 17 yrs. I was the one who would be the first one to be affectionate and the one to start sex the most. As a woman I needed the touch but honestly I didn’t feel like a woman,, I felt like I was having a marriage with myself. So I stopped, now nothing. I think he is so selfish cause he know I need this. I think he is content cause he now doesn’t have to be bothered.

    I don’t agree with this article. After many councelors and self help books, I have learned that women are responders,,, it is the husbands duty to romance, touch and start sex most of the time, if they don’t a womens just feels dead inside…. i’m done……

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Clearly all the self help books and counselors you have sought help from have failed you. Yet, you declare that my advice is wrong?
      Your marriage is not working, otherwise your sex life would be working, as the sexual relationship is one of the flowers to be harvested in a healthy marriage. I suggest you read one of my books, or use our program, so you have all your issues resolved.

  9. MrsCP Reply

    Men need to feel needed/useful in a relationship, and from the sounds of it, most women (I know and here) seem to get that. So why is it most men can’t understand the simple fact that women need to feel desired/appreciated to be happy?! It’s soooooo simple! It takes two to tango and women can’t always be doing all the work and caving in. I mean, you can repeat the same things day/night on what you need to hear/feel, what they need to hear/feel, and use “I” and not “you”, but it’s pointless most of the time ’cause after a week or so, you’re back to square one. Then, because you’re only human, you get to a point where you’re fed up, give up trying and start ignoring them…suddenly, the light turns on upstairs. Why does it have to be so hard?! Why is it so “complicated” for most men to make their lady feel special, beautiful, sexy, desired, appreciated, etc on a daily? If we could manage, so can they – doesn’t take a degree.

    As far as expectations go, if you set low expectations from your spouse, then who should you expect high ones from?! I’m sorry, but, I expect my husband to be wonderful in every way and he expects the same from me. I wouldn’t want my husband to only put in 80% into the relationship. I expect 100% as I give my 100% too. Which is why wishy washy affection annoys me.

    On the sex front, I’m pretty certain I speak for most women when I say that it’s very hard to get turned on (like flicking on a light switch) and have sex when we feel under-appreciated, undesired and unattractive. It ain’t gonna happen, and if it happens, it definitely feels unnatural and was the furthest thing from our minds (’cause the underlying issue is still present, and deep down, we’re not happy and we know sex doesn’t resolve anything).

    The recipe is so simple…*sigh*

  10. Sara Paine Reply

    My husband and I have been together for 5 yrs. The whole I did not get what I gave. I treat him like he’s the finest, the only, and the best. I give what him what he wants, serve him, and make most of the money. I’ve had to earn his trust. In the past year I have had to take in my sister with cp, lost my mother and my grandmother, and I still dont get any affection or consideration. He gives my sister more. I know he Loves me. He was a bachelor for 36 yrs till me. So what else can i do to get him to stop hurting me, and want to make me smile?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You supplied a lot of back story, but back stories only create more confusion than anything else. Your marriage is not working, and it needs to be looked at against the pattern of a good marriage. Please get one of my books, so you can see where your efforts are falling short, and you can have some idea of what you should be shooting for.

  11. Marie Reply

    Been married 43 years. I love my husband, and take very good care of him. The problem I have is I’m tired of being told during sex that he needs something that turns him on to make him affectionate. He enjoys sex but it is all about him. Tells me other than sex he can’t touch me it doesn’t please him. I’m over weight, wear a size 16 clothes which at 60 isn’t too bad I don’t think.I try to talk to him and his answer is fine, I will leave you alone. That’s not what I want. I would just like for him to caress me, kiss me, hold my hand and tell me he loves me. It is horrible when your trying to make love to hear you need to lose your weight, or I can’t stand to touch you it turns me off. I can’t make love to you because I can’t stand to look at you. I’m tired and feeling very unworthy. I give this man everything I can. This has been going on for about 7 years and I’m not getting any younger. I’m afraid I will give up soon.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      It is true your husband is insensitive to you, and the reasons he gives you for holding you at arms length are not truthful. But the truth is hidden to him, as well as you.
      No matter how long some couples are married, unless you worked on developing a true connection your relationship is shallow, as yours is.
      It does not have to remain so, and because you know each other so well you have quite a head start. But to develop what you wish, which would give you the foundation for what you express you want, you need to consciously do what it takes to build love in your marriage.

  12. Paul Friedman Post authorReply

    I allowed your email to post because it is a great example of what happens when the mind is triggered and drags you, or any of us, down the reactive rat hole… your comment is immediately defensive, not inquisitive. Had you not been triggered your reaction would have been to seek an understanding; not make sure you were not “insulted”.
    Why would I want to insult you?? I’m here to help people, not put anyone down!
    Your summation of sexuality and affection is incorrect, John. But instead of suggesting Lessons For a Happy Marriage to you I think you would find Breaking The Cycle more useful, because of your education.

    This public forum is great for me to help many people because I can select certain questions whose answer fits the needs of many. But your needs are personal, and you will do better asking one of our counselors through our contact-us link

  13. Babs Smith Reply

    I am in love with, what I would have called a year ago, my best friend. We met online almost 5 years ago and have been in each others lives ever since. We fell in love when we first met, but due to the distance from each other (I lived in Canada, he in the States),and due to him not wanting to induce me to move away from my children (both are adults now) he broke off our initial romance. Two years ago, when my paperwork came through so I would be able to move down here, he rekindled our romance. I moved in 6 months later when I arrived in the States. We are engaged. We love each other. We work at shared goals. He has gotten custody of his daughter and we work together at raising her. I praise him. He praises me, although not quite as much as I need. The HUGE issue is his lack of affection AND his unwillingness to have sex more than a handful of times per year. He will admit he needs to physically show me more often what he verbally says (I love you). I have NEVER refused any sexual advance he has made. I don’t dare. It will be weeks or months before I get another chance. I sought out this article because I truly need to understand why showing affection to me is so hard for a man who truly loves me. He seems much happier for me to act as his buddy who he occasionally has sex with. Unfortunately, this is causing true resentment for me. If we could compromise, and incorporate more affection and DEFINATELY more sex into our relationship, then it would be pretty much perfect. When we go out as a couple he is attentive and affectionate but not at home. I am going to continue to try to get answers from him hopefully without making him feel like I am attacking him as I really need us to sort this out, but some professional thoughts would be very helpful. Thank you, Babs

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      These kinds of questions are usually answered in private, when people reach out to us. But we have seen enough similar questions to get me to answer yours publicly. So a lot of women are going to be grateful to you!

      The answer is pretty simple, actually; I think. Because you may have already tried this… The word that sums up what I suggest is “seduction”; you know? Dressing and moving provocatively, setting the stage.. even “attacking him” while wearing nice scents and cloths..

      If you have not tried it, which means taking a direct approach, another thing you might try is massaging him into the mood (in the right spot) while you are slipping into sleep mode, or waking up in the morning…

      Let me know if that has been tried, or how it works if you haven’t tried it

  14. Jen Reply

    After scrolling through the intro and getting to the intention of this article, I was so pleasantly surprised and eagerly challenged by the raw philosophy presented on this subject!

    But then I was disappointed… over and over again.

    The author acknowledges the demographic of this article’s average reader as being women who are dissatisfied with the state of their marriage….

    Paul Friedman: I removed 5 pages of “argument” because my heart was breaking for Jenny. She was searching for advice because affection is missing from her marriage, yet she took the time to write a 1500 word essay challenging the points she came across; instead of just moving on.

    Of course I recognize the principles I share are controversial! But after 100 years of psychology based approaches to helping marriage all we have to show for it is a high divorce rate and a low approval rate for most marriages… You are NOT alone! Most marriages are what I call subsistence marriages.

    All it takes is a shift to achieve the most incredible marriage possible. My job is to show you how to make that happen, as quickly and efficiently as possible.

    I pray for you, Jenny.

    …But in the end, a worthwhile read!

  15. Okafor mary Reply

    I appreciate your wisdom and understand toward addressing marriage issues. I have been married for two years now. My husband don’t express his emotion in any way. For example he bluntly told me that he doesn’t Like kissing.i have tried talking to him about it but he refuse. He fines it hard to appreciate me. Please i need your help.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      This is not the kind of thing I can speak about in a public forum. Please send your questions to our counselors. It is free, and they will help you in any way they can.

  16. Mrs. Very Tired Reply

    He read the article and I appreciate the advise but I get tired of always feeling guilty about everything. I also have to come up with stuff and its life draining because as a woman I have kids, career, home, and other things going on. I do every thing in my marriage and the only thing that excites my husband is the tv. Yes he works and pay bills, but He rather seat up all night watching tv instead of turning the tv off some days and spend time with me. I will not continue draining myself trying to please a man that doesn’t even try. I see if he would try but he dont care so I’m just here…

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I’m certain you didn’t try everything, or your marriage would be a hive of happiness.
      I know you think you have, but my guidance will change things for you. Read one of my books. But it may be past that. Try the course. There is a five day free trial.

  17. Mrs Lonely Reply

    Thank you for the article, it’s interesting. However, if “Let’s start with sex” is the only way to start, I’d get lost. My husband is not interested in making lovewith me. I’m not happy that he no longer desire me sexually. I want lovemaking with him but I get rejected most of the time and it hurts me a lot. He uses every excuse to avoid it. I finally stopped asking to protect myself. It’s humiliating for a woman to ask/initiate lovemaking and get rejected. Now we are in a sexless marriage and it seems to be fine with him. So I can’t use this method.

    I don’t think he is involved in a relationship with another woman, but simply he’s not interested in me anymore. He wanted to sleep alone so we separated bedrooms. He spend most of the time at home to computer games and don’t want to be bothered by me. He gets irritated when I talk to him so I’ve been trying to talk to him as less as possible. I feel lonely but things had never changed whatever I tried.

    We are both 47, married 22 years. We used to have sex every other day for the first 7 years until I got pregnant, so I don’t think he is “asexual”.
    What should I do if sex isn’t an option? Can I still have a hope?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear One
      There may be some issues around your sexual interactions, but its doubtful that is the underlying problem. What you describe is a stagnant marriage, and often times, no matter how long its been that way, you can learn enough foundationally from one of my books. But if things have gotten past that point I suggest you watch this video I just put up on youtube that explains the system I use in our courses. My hope is that Breaking The Cycle would be enough for you.

  18. Paul Reply

    Dear Paul, thank you for this article. Although it might sound strange, in our case my wife is the one who has been showing very little and close to no affection in the last 5 years or so. We have been married for 15 years. She will not use affectionate words, touching and has no interest in sex. She will only respond to us making love if I initiate it and only out of duty, same for all romantic gestures. I have told her that I cannot take it anymore, and if we both don’t do all that is necesarry I will divorce her. Now she is telling me that this is her way of loving me, in a cold type of way, that she doesn’t need more from me and neither should I expect more from her. She is very happy with me this way. I take care of all the needs of the house, spend time with her and the kids, treat her nice, and so she is quite happy. What can I do? I am a christian and I know that divorce is a bad thing, but on the other hand I feel like there is no point in our marriage as love has gone out of the window and will not come back. We have discussed and I told her that if we divorce I will provide for all her future material needs, even continue to spend time with her ‘as friends only’ and move in walking distance from our house so that I am always there for our kids (8 and 3 years old). I have read this article several times already, even asked her to read it, but she wouldn’t bother even with this. Waiting for your kind answer. Thank you, Paul

  19. Paul Friedman Post authorReply

    Dear Paul
    A lot of people, both men and women, will relate to your well articulated response. Unfortunately, both you and your wife are “stuck” in a paradigm that is all too normal, because of the generally accepted misinformation about what marriage is. But you can still learn how to receive the benefits that are yours for the taking… when you understand.

    Although I must compliment you on a creative approach that appears to satisfy both your paternal and familial obligations, I am sure it will not work in “real” life for a number of reasons (too extensive for this response)… so, what to do?

    Although you are a Christian, which means I could point out some dogmatic “directives”, it is not my way to tell people what to do.
    I experience God as our father and mother. My experience is they prefer to show us how to be happy though right behavior. In other words, I see all His commandments as ‘rules for happiness, rather than discipline; for which we are rewarded.
    So, accordingly, there is a very big element missing in your strategy; happiness.
    Sure, in your mind your strategy appears to remove conditions of suffering, but not the true cause of your suffering. The real cause of your suffering is the absence of unconditional love; on YOUR part!

    As a child you received unconditional love from your parent(s). But nobody told you it was so you could learn to give it to your wife, when the time comes. So, I’mt telling you that now.

    Until you learn how to override the drives, the mind, the habits, and instincts, and give love, to your wife, with all your heart, mind, and soul, you cannot experience the love that brings ever increasing joy. That love is what is missing, and it is not your wife’s fault.

    Now my pitch; you may be able to gain what you need in terms of education from one of my books, which many do when they are not as far gone as you seem to be. But my gut tells me you need the hand holding progressive steps that are in the courses. I suggest you get it for yourself, and don’t worry about your wife. Lets just work on you. Let’s see if it does the trick. Because you are clearly noble and deep thinking, I am pretty sure your life, and your marriage, will become amazing.

    And, feel free to write to our counselors. They can help you just as well as I…. God bless.

  20. Nicole Jeffery Reply

    l just want to say that as a woman and a wife reading this has been the best thing l have read everything is so true what you’ve written and being in a struggling marriage you have opened my eyes thank you so much l hope that my marriage will get better as l try to take your great advice I’m not sure why any woman would get mad at you for your great words probably because like myself at first l didn’t want to admit that iv turned him away but please pray for me and my husband in this struggling time❤️

  21. Van J Reply

    I disagree, and believe, that it is Societal construct that says women are more intimate than men, and that they naturally understand the thing if the heart better. In the secular world when men are having affairs at supposed serial levels. I recall it take two to tango.
    As an anecdotal but of evidence to my claim, isn’t it interesting the vast amount of the great romantic stories, beautiful love songs, poetry are the creation of men. Biblical even, the story stand true.
    Women’s addictions to pornography is also on a rapid rise, contemplate that fact.
    By the way, I believe men will take an interested loving and intimate woman over “just any woman “10 to 1.
    The Church taking cues from the world is a primary distortion of the true nature of men.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Van
      I’m as far from being a dogmatist as is humanely possible. I use hard science for everything I do, from deciphering human schematics to structuring the courses and books I’ve produced to help marriages. The biological influences I reference are not unknown. All I have done is given them context in marriage, without embellishment.

      Men seek unconditional love, just like women. It’s not the intimacy they need, but intimacy is just one of the flowers.

      If you need some help with your marriage I offer to you that arguing with people like myself, who have developed legitimate programs that will guide you, is a distraction from your real mission. Feel free to write in to our counselors. It may be all you need is one of my books. But if you are already googling you are past the point of a little tip helping you.

  22. Fran Reply

    Some good advice, but I never heard a biological difference in genders makes females have more heart. What are you trying to say? What study are you referring to?
    I believe men are less able to be vulnerable and tender is because so many have been raised to think it’s not okay to show this side – then we marry them and wonder why they can’t be gentle and soft and show affection. I think it starts with raising boys that know it’s okay to be ‘emotional’ and shift our culture away from toxic masculinity.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Fran
      I hope you use the advice to your husband’s and your increased love and devotion. If that is what you got, then I have done a good job for you, and I’m pleased.
      As far as science and studies go what I present is basic to biology and psychophysiology, not really controversial. I tried to explain as simply yet coherently as possible. However, the genesis of the gender differences is irrelevant compared with recognizing that your husband does not think and feel like you do, and it is not an individual problem, but a “species” difference, if you will. I bring this up to curtail resentment or taking his behavior personally.

  23. Posh Reply

    His father is a preacher, and has a history of physical abuse towards his mother. He is also very angry, and seems to shout a lot when things do not go his way. So I don’t really know. My husband does not want to go for counselling. He says, our marriage is ok , so as I am the one who is not satisfied, it is my responsibility to come up with suggestions, on how to make it work.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I wouldn’t use the word “responsibility”, but I WOULD read either one of my books. It basically sounds like you are both good people, but don’t know how to benefit from your marriage… start there, with a book. I show marriage as a framework for happiness and discuss how to make it so. You will be fine.

  24. Lindsey Reply

    Wow! This hit the nail on the head! My husband isn’t my girlfriend he is my husband! I know what I need to do now to get the intimacy back that was lost getting wrapped up in routine with work and the kids! Thank you!

  25. Heather Reply

    I’m glad I’m not alone in these feelings of loneliness and loss of intimacy my husband has towards me. He doesn’t like to wear his wedding ring and when I ask him to put it on he seems irritated and we have had arguments over it because he doesn’t know why he doesn’t like wearing it and he barely kisses me, I get a little peck on the lips every once in a while but anything more than that is like pulling teeth. To me he is perfect and I wouldn’t change anything about him but he seems to have a list of stuff he’d change about me and one major thing is my butt which I don’t have and he loves big butts, I am willing to have implants just to make him happy but he can’t do something as simple as wearing a ring without me reminding him of it. He also just lays there while I please him during sex, he hardly has any interaction with me at all, he does return the favor but only after he gets off. I feel I have tried to please him so much that I am now just his doll. We have three children together and 90% of his time is spent with on his cell phone, I think he is just tired of his reality and will want something different, I don’t know what to do, I keep trying to please him but I am getting wore out

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Heather,
      You are not the only one who does not know how to please your husband, as you are clearly failing at this sweet endeavor, he doesn’t know either what you need to do.

      The fact is we don’t know ourselves or each other. There is no training in schools, or anywhere else for that matter. I, we, are trying to change all that, but for now, I suggest instead of being mad at your husband and feeling discouraged you get one of my books so you can start to see how much you don’t know. Your situation is so easy to fix that you will be pleasantly surprised.

  26. Kari M Reply

    Dear Paul,

    I have been married for 4 months together going on 2 years now. I admitted I had “lied” about some things regarding myself to impress him when we we’re first getting to know each other. It wasn’t to hurt him. However, it did hurt him deeply and he has become so distant. In the last week, he hardly speaks to me, looks at me. He has shown absolutely zero affection yet, he tells me he still loves me but doesn’t know how he can move on. I am hurt and disappointed in myself. My husband is my world and his actions towards me are shattering me inside. The kids can see and feel the change too. Is my marriage over? Please help!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Kari
      You seem like a good-hearted soul and wanted to please your husband by “coming clean”. Others come clean out of guilt, erroneously thinking they will feel better and it will improve their marriage because they will be appreciated for their honesty.

      Everything you do in your marriage should be done with the marriage and your spouse in mind. One should ask themselves whether their idea will create a beneficial or detrimental effect before the action. The only exceptions are also for the sake of the other and the marriage. Like, is coming clean going to help them not be infected by a disease you picked up or is coming clean going to make them feel better about choosing you as their lifemate?

      The first thing is always to stop digging when you find yourself in a hole. You need to learn the “rules” for happiness in marriage. You need to learn how to make every moment a joy for your husband, and for you.

      When you begin to learn and learn also how to change your habits you will see the past bad feelings slip away because the new habits you devleop will change you into a marriage lover; in the higher sense.

      Get searching for the right path to get on with your efforts and stick with it. Your marriage will be fine if you change those things that need it. You have a good heart.

  27. Lynn H Reply

    My husband has emotionally checked out and has built resentment from past choices i made what do i do? Um still loving towards him even though he shots me down is this the right thing to do?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The term “emotionally checked out” I understand but is not really relevant, Lynn. I think what you mean to say is that he is not showing you anything that indicates he loves or desires you.

      You know a bee will head towards a fake flower but ignore it when he realizes it has no nectar. Similarly, a man who seeks love but finds his wife is not there for him usually moves on. It is good your husband is not seeking other flowers.

      You can read my other articles, but it would be better for you to read one of my books. I don’t think you need our course, but you may have understated the disconnect.

      Start there. I think you will be pleasantly surprised to discover how simple it is to rekindle the love in your marriage.

  28. Carolyn S Reply

    This is exactly what my husband told me last night as I was complaining about not getting affection from him. We’ve been together 5 years and only married 2 he told me he’s just not really feeling affectionate and if I want it I have to take it he said once you start taking it maybe it will come out of me and I’ll start doing it. But how do I take it? What are different ways? Other than laying next to him and start the “cuddling” or start kissing him, or start sex what are other ways I can “take it” I need help because honestly as a woman sadly it’s not my strongest suit I’m used to him coming to me

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      It’s not what he said that matters as much as that he needed to say it, and you don’t understand him.
      Obviously, without meaning to be offensive, you do not understand him, men. I suggest you get either one of my books so you can rebuild your connection with confidence and depth. You won’t need our program because, hopefully, he has not lost interest to that point, but the book will change your life and connection just fine.

  29. Hannah Selene Reply

    I tried to read this whole article with an open mind, but for the first time after reading a marriage article, I was left in disbelief. I am fine with accepting that everything is my fault in my marriage or that it’s up to me to fix my marriage (I’m not saying you said that), so the issue isn’t that I can’t accept things. I’ll accept difficult things because I just want my marriage to thrive. However, If I feel completely unloved and as a result, depressed, how can I force myself to partake in sexual activities? I’ve tried and as a result I end up crying afterwards because I forced myself to do something extremely sacred that I did not want to do! It feels degrading and so awful to lay there and try not to cry the whole time. You end up just feeling used, as if your husband never shows you attention or love unless it’s for sex. Women need to feel loved and wanted in order to want to have sex. Sex should only be with your spouse out of love! We shouldn’t have to force ourselves to partake in sexual activity with the hope that our husbands fulfill our love language. Our husbands should try to fulfill our love language (obviously after we tell them how to since they can’t read minds, sadly) and as a result we feel loved and want to have sex! This isn’t a mindset you should be teaching women. I appreciate you trying to help, and parts of this article are true. Such as building your husband up instead of focusing on what he does wrong.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You missed the point!!!
      The ideals of marriage are deep, not surface, not about sex at all.
      Read the article again. Or get one of my books so you can go deeper into this wonderful and uplifting philosophy about marriage. There is nothing of the sort that would imply what you took away from the article.

  30. Donna Reply

    I have the best sex ever but no other physical intimacy, been kissed 5 times in 4 years. I cheated once and a year later he started his emotional affair where it was somewhat physical that lasted about 7months but they continued to talk for years and he wrote her a love letter a year later days after moving out. During this time my mom committed suicide. I’ve waited for him and worked on self improvements to better me for us yet there is no affection just wonderful passionate sex. I still go on an on about topics that stress me out though I show appreciation. His number one complaint is she the other woman he fell in love with Listened to him and I didn’t. In my defense I was sick and bipolar and not treated well with medication and have gotten lots of help since but he still says I struggle with listening. So ladies listen to them. We still don’t live together but haven’t moved on, loves is tricky but he’s not wrong here. These are the things my partner wants and expresses to me. He’s a good man and has treated me well. I pushed him to the edge with abuse and cheating. I was extremely bipolar and suffering from psychosis and PTSD, he was not getting any support from others or and emotional support from me even though he reached out for 7 long years. We have build some with some of this though is still can not get loving affection except with sex and in that there is lots of Love. Taking that away would do a lot of damage though.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Donna
      Sex is shallow and your husband made that point to you. Unfortunately, your psychological struggles have allowed you to excuse yourself from being a committed soulmate, a real partner. The rest of the “stuff” is incidental. I’m not sure if your husband is going to wait for you to wake up, so I would suggest the course for you. If you are sincere it will 100% work. But it requires work on your end,

  31. Falling apart Reply

    I recently told my husband that I had been propositioned at a work conference a couple of years ago, but that I rejected the advance. Even though, I didn’t encourage the advance, I was afraid he might question it, and more afraid he may want to retaliate against the other person. He is very hurt that I didn’t tell him and has been very distant ever since. I’m trying to stay positive, and actually our sex life is thriving, but I still feel so distant. There is never any affection our words of love outside of the bedroom like their used to be. The bedroom, however, still feels intimate with passion and all, and does not feel one-sided, but outside of the bedroom is still so lonely. Is this just going to take time?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      As you must now realize unless your husband needs to know as would be the case if there were sexual harassment or you were stalked etc, it only causes his mind to question your real interactions. It is how minds work when your marriage is not properly functioning.

      Having a good sex life when everything else is terrible means your marriage is terrible. So, what should you do?
      Because only you can judge the severity of the disconnect it is hard for me to suggest the course, which might be in order. You could try reading one of my books and using what you learn. But, and this is a strong caution; if you are not able to dramatically shift your marriage based on what you learn in as little time as a couple of weeks you will need the course.

  32. Faith Reply

    I have been married for three years now, got married in 2015 November,after marriage my hubby had to go back to work in another country,he left me pregnant and I had our baby in july 2016 without him near, he came back for the first time when my baby was around 1yr 5months,stayed for a while then he went back to work, the problem is the distance, its really been hard for me n sometimes I feel like quitting this marriage,I realized things have not been the same as when we were still courting,when he comes back its not always smooth, coz I see some behaviors that he never had before like staying out most of the time drinking,coming home late, I feel so lonely even when he z around for vacation coz his affection towards me has completely gone and its like he only notices me when he wants sex, in the house he is always on youtube,its like he doesn’t even notice me, I feel totally drained, my baby was diagnosed with autism and ADH so its not been easy for me, he resently came back for vacation in October 8th,the last time he was here was in November 2017, so I have been alone with my girl ever since, please what should I do inorder to make him show affection and notice me, how do I stop him from being on youtube throughout? He seems totally addicted

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Your circumstances are very difficult for a number of reasons and I am hopeful the conditions don’t worsen. In order to have “hope”, it’s important for you to gain some more knowledge about what marriage should look like and function like. I think you can get more help from reading one of our books than just reading articles or getting advice because you will have more context from the book. Either one will do, Breaking The Cycle or Lessons For a Happy Marriage.

  33. Kelly Reply

    My husband and I have been married for 8 months. We have been happy mostly however i get very frustrated because i am always the one initiating affection. I have said to him when we see eachother after work to greet eachother with a hello and kiss and most of the time we do but sometimes it feels forced. He mostly works away for a week at a time and comes home for a few days in between each. When it comes to him leaving to go away i want to give him a big hug and enjoy the moment and he gives me a “half hug” with distance, when he does this i ask him whats wrong and he gets angry with me because i act like what he gives is not good enough but i just dont understand why he doesnt feel the need to connect with me when im not going to see him for a week. It makes me not feel loved. There is barely any nice touch or random hug or kiss from him ever unless i go to him. We are still only early in our marriage and i know he isnt the most affectionate person but i dont understand if u love someone thats the best way to show it and easiest way in my opinion. Ive told him thats what i need to feel loved and sometimes he will xome around but it doeant last that long and mostly he just gets frustrated when i say anything but its the only way i feel properly loved.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Kelly
      It is still early enough in your marriage for you to benefit from our sister organization’s premarital training. It would be very unwise to ignore its existence. But basically, your question has no basis in the realities of marriage! You truly need a deep understanding of marriage in order to have success.
      The URL is https://premaritaledu.org/
      Please have a look.

  34. Cinderella Reply

    So I have been married for 4 years, together for 6. Have 2 Beautiful babies, 3&5, but going on 2 years now, my husband has stopped helping me clean the house and helping with the kids. Such as brushing their teeth, giving them baths, helping them with homework, putting them to bed early and he blames it on me by saying I no longer show him the affection he wants to see. To me that is not a valid reason to neglect things that need to be done. Those things are part of life. In the end they and I will suffer. They will suffer by not having clean hygiene, and a well balanced diet, while I am at work and I will suffer by having to fix everything by myself. He complains when I come home from work at only ask him to take the trash out when he could have done it while I was at work but instead he was on his phone.
    He too just left me and is now staying at his aunt’s. I believe we are getting a divorce. I feel so bad for our children having to go through all of this. But all I can do is let them know they will always have me to love them. I too tell him this but because I am not as intimate with him as I use to be due to him not wanting to show any constitant effort unless he is rewarded with sex he shows that he doesnt care and acts rude. I recommended therapy but our appt is in 3 weeks and it does not seem like he is going to wait that long. He has family who is on his side and I do not. What should I do?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I am so glad you asked what you should do!
      I’ll begin by informing you that your ideas about what your children need are being used by you to justify an insensitivity about what your husband needs, and then when you realize, as you are writing, that you did that and you got defensive and justified it and THEN you went into holier-than-thou mode and then martyr mode.
      I could tell you that you are sacrificing your children, and they will suffer, as your marriage ends, and you all will suffer, just because you won’t show affection and have sex… but you almost know that, and it makes you look trite and makes it look like I did not fully understand the depth of your hurt feelings. So I am not going to tell you that. Because if all you did was resign yourself to have sex with your husband your marriage would be shallow and pathetic, like most marriages in the world these days and would end anyway. So, I am going to tell you what is really missing and tell you exactly what you should do, then pray you do it for all your sakes.
      What is missing is the love. There is zero effort on your part to express uncondtional love, or much of any love, towards your husband. You drained him.
      What you can and should do is get our course for women and take it seriously, like your lives depend on it.
      What will happen if you take my advice is your marriage will come back together, be fulfilling, and your children will be better off than most of their peers. As a side benefit you will be happy like you never have been in your life.
      If you want a deeper explantaion for the above you aren’t listening. You do not have so much time to waste at this point.

  35. Don Reply

    I’m the husband and my wife is the one not being intimate. We’ve been married for over 24 years and together for 27. The last few years have been sexless and lackluster. I’ve started working out and have gained my stamina back. But she’s still not interested. She would rather go out with her friends for a night on the town than be intimate with me. I prefer a quiet night at home over the clubs. She was “sexting” other men with her fantasies and I found out. She claims to have stopped but I don’t know. We have started counseling and it helps but still intimacy is rare. I did read a text that she was talking to another man about the kissing they did when they met at a bar. She swears that is all they did and has never cheated on me, although I think emotional cheating is still cheating. She claims it’s just words and fantasy and doesn’t mean anything. I don’t understand it. She is also depressed and on medication for it. One of the side effects is low libido. But I don’t know how long I can wait for her to be with me as my wife. I am patient and willing to work with her, but I also need sex. What do I do? She controls the sex as I’m not forcing it. I would rather leave her than do that. And I certainly do not want to be played for a fool. If she is cheating she can go now. I want to make it work but I don’t know how.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I am not going to take you off the hook, and I think you must realize that had you been the ‘man she married’ she would not have strayed, and she did stray. But it may not be too late, but buffing out is not the answer, as you found out already.
      The answer is to reach her heart. You have not done so (neither has she reached yours) and it is is never too late for that. But what I write is pretty meaningless to you because our society lacks any context. So, the best thing for you to do, which is the best I can offer, is for you to read one of my books, or if you want to do some self-work, take the course for men.
      And, by the way, you are wasting your time and money with counseling. If it was working it would have worked, not just improved a little.
      If I were you I would take the course because you have all these years invested. It is worth trying.

  36. VANESSA Reply

    I appreciate your perspective on this ; however my scenario on how to tackle intimacy is different. My husband doesn’t seem intact with wanting to have sex ,he says he loves me and is attracted to me but he struggles with even wanting to have sex so my issue is how do I increase intimacy in my relationship if my husband doesn’t really look to me for sex. What would my approach look like?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The same advice applies, perhaps even more so. Your husband’s needs revolve around his need for unconditional love, as do yours. The temptation to substitute sex for intimacy is constant, especially in our societal times, but you will never be fulfilled by sex. Develop yourself into a living heart that spouts love in every moment, in every situation. Do the inner work that will bring you there. Then all will be good… I promise!

  37. Mary Reply

    I really appreciate the focus on no longer looking back and digging in the past to figure out WHO was wrong or what went wrong .. but to instead focus on building the future . This is the best online written advice I have seen . It is written to women who are willing to stop feeling sorry for themselves and to not “play the victim “ anymore . It is NOT written to tell us that our husbands do everything right and are perfect. If you need inner healing for yourself from the past .. go get it . But realize you don’t need to fix the past or your husband anymore. I’m learning and I m greatful for honest advice . I didn’t have a happy marriage modeled to me growing up but I will not let that repeat itself and be me .

  38. Senem Reply

    Thank you for this article. Reading it helped however I still feel lost. My husband and I are high school sweethearts but were separated in our twenties and fell in love again and got married in early 30s. We had the “perfect” marriage until I got pregnant with our daughter. I was aware that it could be a more difficult transition for him so I made efforts to show my affection even when I was the sole carer of a newborn. We are still good friends, no fights, no complaining etc. but we haven’t been intimate for the last 6 years of our 10 years of marriage despite my various attempts. I am the only giver of affection and he accepts unless my attempt is of sexual nature. He does not talk or seem bothered by it, he is immersed in his professional life but also spares some free time for our daughter. He is kind to me but I don’t feel special anymore and it kills me. I still do what I can, give him kisses and compliments daily although I receive the same rarely. This has been going on for three years. Is this our marriage now?
    P.S. I second the “best online advice” comment written above this by Mary.

  39. Paul Friedman Post authorReply

    Dear Senem
    First, thank you for acknowledging the value of the principles I rely upon when giving advice. We have an uphill battle because of the sacred cows of traditional therapy which is sorely lacking in beneficial processes while I see learning the underlying spiritual qualities of life as the missing ingredients for a happy life and marriage.

    In your case, you are doing your best yet the effort is falling short. It is hard to tell ‘why’ because there are so many possibilities, but it is likely, not 100%, but likely there is something in your communication that is pushing your husband away, making him feel unloved.

    I humbly suggest you read either of my books to gain some insights because they reveal so many things so you will probably have an ah-ha moment and be able to execute some changes that work to bridge the gap.
    It doesn’t matter that it has been 6 years. Each moment is the beginning of our lives, so there is no ‘cleaning up’ involved, just changes to better thinking and behaviors.
    This probably will work but if not write to our counselors and tell them what you learned and tried. But, I think all you need are more ideas.

  40. Merry jane Lubbers Reply

    My husband never ask for sex or show any affection if he wanted to have sex or not he just never did!! , unless i make the move he will never or never ask or show affection to me!! Not even a snuggle before sleeping or hug me during nighttime , he always hugs the pillow instead.. , i always wait for me to make the 1st move too but it nver happen!! We been married for 6yrs and have awsome to girls!! , the girls always sleep with us in our bed. But you know thr is always to do it .. if the kids is sleeping we can go in the other room. Something like that! But like i said unless i show affection he will not do it !! And i been rejected many times too ,, that hurts me so bad!! Really really hurt my ego my pride!! , im trying to save our marriage for me doin the 1st move!! The longest we did not have sex is almost 2yrs or more than 2yrs .. it can be 6months, 3months , 2 months or 3week before we do it again!! Its like its not normal i dont like it!! Now it makes sad all the time!! I don’t want to talk to him!! I just cry every night because hes not sleeping with me .. , we have a 5yr old daughter she alwYs wanna sleep besides her daddy and don’t me to sleep in the middle . Now we decided to start putting her to own bed.. he said , he will put her to sleep then he will sneak out and to our bed!! But he never did!! He just sleep thr all night for 2weeks already!! I ignore him to realized what his doin wrong!! I cried every nigh for that!!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Merry Jane blames her husband for not showing love and it is becoming a cycle of resentment in their home. She is so hurt and angry that she is crying and not speaking with him. This can change very quickly.
      Individuals who feel mistreated need to gain education about why their spouse mistreats them. Did they marry a bad person? Not likely. Almost every time they do not realize that they are hitting a sensitive nerve and their spouse is reacting to that, the cycle begins!
      The rule of thumb is to start paying attention and see if you can spot the offensive behaviors then change them. Using one of my books as a guide is a great idea because you will learn about what kills marriages and what makes them wonderful. The other thing to keep in mind is that if the marriage is slipping towards divorce the time for research is past and you will need a course like we offer to turn everything around immediately.

  41. Nadi Reply

    Thank you so much for this. I feel really encouraged and will do my best to follow your tips!

  42. Diane Reply

    When I read this article, it’s like a coin dropped…I get it now. The past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to change my behavior so I can make my husband feel appreciated and stop criticizing him, I’m just worried I’m too late. We were on the brink of a divorce, but decided to give it one last try. He says he wants to work on the marriage, but doesn’t want to have sex because he doesn’t feel affection for me and feels that would be wrong to do…that he would just be using me for sex. So what do I do? Do I give him space, and not initiate anything physical, and wait for him?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Diane was inspired to recognize how her behavior has upended her marriage up until this point which is good. Her current efforts, however, are paltry and probably faulty, as is indicated by her “been trying” and “one last try” comments.
      Basically, she misses the point as so many would in her self-revelation. The cause is universal. Everyone faces the fact that the mind is a treacherous friend. It fools us into thinking we “get it” in order to give us “hope” (or show us how smart we are) but never lets down its guard enough for us to see the big picture of our “got to go” flaws. The drive-to-survive is just too powerful.
      Unless Diane is willing to utilize a program that holds her feet to the fire (which is what we produced for http://www.TheMarriageFoundation.org she will fail. She will, by her own neglect of her husband, lose him.

      Not all wives are in this pickle because most will just complain while they live with a terrible or mediocre marriage. But, Diane has set a threshold that will work against her. If she is fortunate enough to remarry (most women are not so fortunate) she will bring the same patterns over to her new marriage and create the same problems. The solution for Diane is within the course for women. I hope she sees that, too.

  43. Precious Reply

    I really do appreciate this article. I literally do 90% of all the things you’ve listed in this article, I sometimes even pretend I’m fine, hiding any hurt I’ve felt just to throw myself at my husband. I’m a loving person and very much romantic, so showing/expressing most of these qualities is an easy pick for me. My struggle is with my husband who sees it as been demanding. We only have sex when he wants to and his advances are straight to the point. He sees kissing,foreplay, caressing or any form of sexual appeal as a waste of time. He’s only targeted at orgasm, no matter what effort I put into stalling the process to help me get aroused at least. I’ve held it in for so long and tried to communicate it with him that I end up with tears/cut after sex because I usually don’t get wet before he penetrate but it made us distant instead. later stopped telling him about it and just endure the pain during sex (only when he wants it though) and when I make advances, he says he’s not in the mood.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      It seems like precious’s husband is very angry with her and only using her for personal release. I must assume it is the sam precious who wrote that her husband cheated on her and still she has not dealt with the marriage and herself in ways that work towards happiness. The course for women is still the best option.

  44. Precious Reply

    We sometime stay up to 3 months without sex or any form of intimacy, when I try to wrap myself around my him (when he’s seeing a movie) he becomes uncomfortable and leaves. He doesn’t allow me sleep on the same bed with him, he says he doesn’t want to be confined and would love as much space as he can get. I have never cheated on him but he has. I thought forgiving him as quick as I could would fix us and help him want to make it up to me but I was WRONG. He hasn’t cheated since then yet I’m emotionally struggling. I sometimes have to watch porn to help my urges but it leaves me feeling horrible with guilt afterwards. I’ve concluded that he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore and the love and bond we once shared doesn’t mean anything to him. We have a 2yrs old baby and òur marriage is just 3yrs but it feels like 2 decades already. That’s how cold we’ve become

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The “key” in Precious’s circumstance is that her husband cheated on her and she never changed herself, only hopes he has not cheated again. That kind of denial is dangerous. It is like living on a bomb that will someday explode into a divorce. The best solution for Precious, because of his past infidelity is the course for women. Nothing less will work.

  45. ELEANOR Reply

    Thank you for your advice. I have been married for 10 years in those years my husband has cheated on me for more than 5 times. I have tried to be a good wife as I also come from a family Christian foundation. What hurts most is my husband does not show affection and I thought it had to do with his shy personality but after finding out chats with other women I realized there is the other lovey dovey side of him he has never shown me. I feel like I put so much effort in this marriage to work and he knows I love him too much and as many times I have forgiven him for his infidelity he told me just now that he has fallen out of love and moved out and then he came back and said lets try to work it out but help me to love you again, but sometimes I just feel all my marriage life, its been all about trying to impress him, I have never felt his love and affection towards me, I also want to feel loved.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Eleanor is frustrated because she has put forth all of her loving effort to satisfy her husband and he still cheats on her and has offered her more of a yo-yo relationship than the “close” relationship she craves. I put “close” in quotes because it is not necessarily the same “close” like you, or I or someone else would consider close to be. The ubiquitous confusion about closeness exists because there is so much disinformation in our society about who/what we are and what both marriage and connection are. Most of us, even when we are deeply religious like Eleanor is, have been offered incomplete explanations of these, at best, and untrue indicators that mislead our understandings, and thus behaviors, at worst. A good example of mis- (dis) information is that closeness requires us communicating all of our deepest darknesses and that we should expect our husband to empathize. The many who tell us that is the right thing to do don’t consider that those communications cause distress on the listener which pushes away the one we want closer and that ends up as a silent wedge. You see, expectations of understanding and other similar responses may seem ‘natural’ at first glance, but expectations are demands, not loving behavior, so they create tensions rather than love. It is Love, meaning the sincere actions that create love, that we should infuse into our marriages, at every opportunity. My guess is that Eleanor has made many mistakes, innocently, of course, and her husband has responded with predictable ways of withdrawing and then found an outlet outside of his marriage (morally wrong but understandable with all the confusion generated by the media) in his attempts to find the exact same thing she craves; unconditional love.

      The answer, or answers, for her would typically be to gain the education she needs through either of my books. However, because she demonstrates in her words a tendency to self-victimize I would strongly recommend the course for women The Marriage Foundation offers, so she can be guided, step by step, into a world of personal happiness even before she applies the knowledge I have discovered that is accurate, so produces only positive experiences.
      Remember always that you got married to be happy, happier every day of your lives, and to live in the joy that is part and parcel of unconditional love.

  46. DeCaf Reply

    Married 53 years and over 40 years without sex, intimacy, love or togetherness. Our lives can never be fixed it is what it is. We own about 10 acres and he moved out years ago to a place on the back of our property. I have the house and he has his place and I’m not allowed any where around it. I’d say I was the one who caused all this, and after years he gave up with me and moved out. He still takes care of all the outside work around the house, but won’t come in. He makes sure all my bills are payed and I have money for my wants. It’s been at least 20 years since we said hello to each other. My life is so sad and I don’t want pity! I go to church alot and work there when help is needed.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Decaf gave up on life so long ago and lives her life in stagnation even though it is, always was, and always will be, within her power to do things to improve herself psychologically and spiritually. At some point, she will have had enough and she will get out of her slump and “do” something. We are endowed with free will and volition, such greatness awaits us all.

  47. M.Halder Reply

    Hi, my husband and I are a newly married couple. We dated for almost 4years before getting married. We love each other there’s no doubt about it. He supports me whenever I need him. It’s just he is too immature and spends too much hangout time with his friends in night time which irritates me up. He doesn’t even come close to me and cuddle me up. We used to have sex pretty often but now the sex has also stopped. I know he does not have any extramarital affairs or something like that.. He is super loyal to me. It’s just, I don’t know what happened to him that made him so unresponsive towards me. I think it can be his family pressure or work pressure which are pretty intensive right now. But I don’t think those pressure should have any impact on our personal space.

    I will definitely try and follow your suggestions to give our marriage a bloom again. I hope it will work.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The message here reveals that her lack of knowledge of marriage is her GREATEST problem. So many other issues would be solved by reading one of my books. More than that, however, her marriage can produce the happiness and love that will give them an incredible life together.

  48. Busisiwe Reply

    We have been married for 6yrs and met 2003.I noticed that he came into our marriage with a luggage of our past before we got married
    ,that what destroy us in our future. Since that time the only thing happened and still happening is fighting blaming each other. But he is the one who always complaining about me not loving the way he supposed to be loved. I tried many times to be affectionate with him everything I do always put him first, but all of that is not enough. Secondly he is the kind of person who doesn’t share whatever bothers him (advice) if it’s white it white nothing will change. Everytime I must take the blame if I don’t do that I am not respecting him. He doesn’t want a professional help then if I open up to family about some of our problems he’s fighting tells me I am undermining him and painting him as a bad person so I don’t know what to do. If I make a move with him may be a move we never try before it will endup come back to me him saying what I was doing may be I miss my ex-boyfriend, again if I don’t anything just wait for he’s telling me my sex moves are boring. I don’t remember when last we kissed he told me my mouth is wet too much saliva.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      B says she puts her husband 1st but I do not think that is accurate, did you? No, of course not. You can tell by how she puts him down. Do you think she is silent to him? A spouse, both spouses, should be praising the other but that is not what is going on so neither of them are happy with how they are treated by the other. Nor do either need psychological help (very few people do, what they need is to be educated about marriage, and the right way.
      Marriage, when done correctly, and there is a “correctly”, brings incredible love bourne happiness.

  49. Tuls Reply

    My husband doesn’t feel like having sex sometimes for more than a month. It only happens if he wants doesn’t matter if I want it sometimes.
    He doesn’t feel like celebrating my birthdays or our anniversary for him there is nothing like special days exists. I can’t get over it and stop thinking. I would write things in diary but I don’t know how to help myself and ourselves and get over it.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Until we take definite and effective action to change ourselves we remain the same person. Wishing to be different or trying little things doesn’t work. Choose an educational program of your choice, be it one of the books or the course for women, then stick to its guidance.

  50. De Caf Reply

    Married over 53 years and we hadn’t had sex in over 40 years! He won’t do sex, intimacy, love or affection, he never has cared. I of course wasn’t the perfect wife, he told me I had to many rules and regulations, that I didn’t have any adventure in my body and T was a prude. He put up with me for me for about 12 years, then he just told me I wasn’t worth the effort. I was to leave him alone and not bother him. He moved into his own private space, he has no friends, male or female turned himself into a lonely old man. He’s retired on pills and works on cars and make furniture. We haven’t talked in at least 40 years.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      See, this is what happens when we put off doing something. Procrastination is a curse.

  51. Willingham Reply

    Hmm. While I think this is reasonable advice, it doesn’t give women any resources for how to fill their own cup when they are neglected. And emotional neglect to me is processed as abuse and abandonment in the brain, which is a trauma. I was never hostile towards him, I did everything listed here and avoided all the things you talk about. I’ve poured everything I have into my husband for 10 years, I was the happy and loving and attentive and sacrificial wife who crucified herself every day to show love and take care of her husband. I have received nothing but cuts deeper and deeper and a damage self-worth, self-confidence, and self-esteem, I’m now in therapy for depression and anxiety and on strong antidepressants which luckily kill my sex drive so I no longer have to suffer the rejection of wanting to be intimate with my husband and I cannot even imagine a reality or relationship where I am shown affection, I wouldn’t even know what to do with someone wanting me at this point. Separating was the best thing I could have done and I wish I did it 5 years ago. I finally feel like I can breathe with no one letting me down.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      There are some people who are pathologically cruel, too many, and those poor devils will not be changed by acts of kindness or even unconditional love. It sounds like Willingham attracted one into her life and has now added to her trauma by following the prescription of western psychological models that reduce the brain’s functions with drugs while dwelling on past traumas in counseling.
      Free will trumps all past effects.
      We are not taught or mindful that the mind is a possession that can be mastered with the right training. With the right training, we are free to choose how we feel today by choice, not circumstance, and free to plan our destiny.

  52. Jean Reply

    My husband and I just celebrated “25” years of marriage. I feel he stopped showing me affection and I did share with him how I have been feeling. His answer is, “I have nothing to give you”. I’m a bit confused. We have always been affectionate towards each other.. Any suggestions?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The length of a marriage that is sliding only goes to show that some people are more tolerant than others. The solution is always the same which is to learn how to behave in ways that are loving so your husband is uplifted and inspired to be with you and only you.

  53. Lakyn Reply

    My husband and I have only been married 10 months and I know I have the issue of telling him that I want to be shown intimacy and affection . When it comes to sex , I am always giving it to him when he wants it or even giving him surprises to pleasure him . But it’s never given back to me . I’m the kind of girl that a hand hold or a kiss on the cheek is something that makes me feel special . I am a very touchy cuddly person I feel one minute he tells me he would miss it if it was gone but feels annoyed or will tell me to leave him alone . So I guess I don’t know what to do when it comes to showing love ? I show it . It’s good enough when he’s okay with it being good enough but the next he’s bothered by me and there would have not been an argument that even happened before hand . I listen to his problem , I encourage him, lift him up , have his back , support his daughters he had before me . Like I said before I know my problem is complaining him to love me …. but i don’t know what I should do next because it seems I’m okay to make him happy one minute and the next I’m not .

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I rarely suggest a “product” in these responses, but the course for women would be a really good idea, and I hope you consider it. Also. watch my youtube videos. You are a good wife.

  54. CJ Reply

    I have been married 2 years of our second marriage. We have never consummated our marriage. He never touchs me, avoids all contact, we hardly ever talk, it is as if he has no interest in me at all, I think I am his house keeper and nursemaid if he gets ill. He was fun before we married, he totally changed. What do I do, I am so lonely in this marriage.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Maybe, if I knew why you remain in the marriage I could suggest something

  55. Carol Cox Reply

    Good morning Mr. Friedman I like the sound of the course and the videos I am open for many things that I can do better my union with my husband in spite of the fact that we have been married for 50 years I am not sure how I missed what I have need of in affection. Perhaps it was because we married so young I have been trying to figure it out doing things special things and creating opportunities that my husband can get in touch with that side of himself. We are happy in spite of infidelities which brought 4 children( I called my bonus children) by two women. I have three children with him all during our 50-year marriage😯 I still insist our marriage weathered those storms and came out okay my husband is retired now and I could see his non-affectionate behavior more apparently so I wonder if it has anything to do with the consequences of our emotional marriage scars. I try not to think like that. Because I am a very caring person and he genuinely is too but caring and having affections are two different things as you know so I’m looking forward to see what your information can offer me regarding things I have not tried. I am faithful to God and to my husband regarding anything that can better the Union that God has brought about

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Carol
      You are wise and seeking. I pray for you and that your efforts find fulfillment. All Blessings to you and your family.

  56. Laura Reply

    My husband doesn’t want to sleep with me anymore anyway, so that door has closed.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Don’t give up. Get the course for women and learn to open your heart.

  57. Amanda Reply

    I read this article and it was hard, but such an eye opener for me. You called me out, made me realize what I was doing wrong (complaining, jabbing, and being mean). After reading this, I promised myself to stop doing these things. There are days when I have to re-read this just to remind myself how to act. Ever since I practiced what I have read, my husband has been more intimate with me than ever before! Reading this really changed my relationship, and I have recognized it was me causing him to no longer be intimate towards me. I was pushing him away.

  58. P S. Bair Reply

    I’m just wondering why this topic is pointed towards women taking the initiative to fix themselves so their man will feel better. Do you have an article that is more balanced towards couples? Women already feel a greater responsibility to “please your man.” So, if you have an article that counsels both men and women, that would be helpful. Thank you.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Oh, we have articles for men that guide them in ways they can relate to. But in this article which is written only to women, it is written for women.

  59. Michelle B. Reply

    I have been married for 30 years. My husband texts and calls single women, and seems to have no problem that these women call or text at all hours of the night. My husband doesn’t talk to me — because he talks to these women (who he says are very close friends), there is nothing left for me except for “What are you cooking for dinner or do you wnt to watch tv? ” We have not been intimate in over a year. My husband comes to bed, and rolls over and goes right to sleep. He talks to anyone else who is in the room — he acknowledges my presence, but that is it. He is constantly criticizing me, talking down to me, and has no interest in what I do. He doesn’t like to talk about anything except if the conversation is about hoim and how great he is, etc. I realize that communication is the biggest problem in our marriage. My self esteem is taking a beating because I am ALWAYS wrong. I’m lonely and need help!

Leave a Reply

You have to agree to the comment policy.