As a newlywed having second thoughts soon after the wedding, you could either
ignore your doubts, hoping things will adjust themselves (which is like waiting for someone to knock on your door announcing you won a million dollars), or you can deeply consider what is happening and do something that is appropriate.
Either way, it is clear by the fact that you are having doubts that you did not do your marriage homework before you got married. Either way, you need to do that homework now, by getting some marriage education.
Is it too late for your marriage? Is it crazy to stay married? We can arrive at this answer pretty simply.
Like you perhaps, far too many people get married without really getting to know the person they are marrying. So, most become a newlywed having second thoughts. Some are surprised by some of the traits they are discovering, and others are unprepared for the reality of sharing tight quarters 24/7.
You may have just married someone who you have not known long enough or well enough, and wonder about the whole idea of being married to them at all.
I will first address the worst case first, because, statistically, it is highly unlikely you knew your new spouse well enough before agreeing to marry them, The worst case is you didn’t just marry the “wrong” person, but you may have married a truly bad person. It happens more often than people like to admit.
The world is filled to the brim with bad people. Just about all of us have some bad in us, but there are some who have so much in them that they create pain and suffering for all they come in contact with. Did you run a deep enough investigation of your new spouse. Maybe now is a good time to do it. It is really dumb to sign up for a lifetime of misery because you do not think you should check into their past. Check for the following universally bad possibilities. In almost all cases, if any of these are present it should be a message to you to end the marriage:
- Violent – True, most people have “anger issues,” but when frustrations are allowed to turn into violence the habit is hard to break, or control. Get out.
- Other lover (or too close friend with potential for an affair) – An open marriage is not a marriage.
- Pedophile – Inexcusable, un-fixable. Get out now.
- You are not No. 1 in their life. Fix it, or end the marriage. This is fixable, but very high risk in an early marriage.
- Compulsive gambling.
- Drug or alcohol use.
There are non deal breakers, too. You may or may not be on shaky ground. Do not overreact or give up hope. But hold off on getting pregnant, or your options won’t be as clean. When you have children, divorce is unbelievably traumatic. The first rule for raising children is to have a very happy marriage.
Many flaws you see may be irritating because you are immature, and not ready for marriage. But if you see more serious flaws, it is very important to determine how deep they are and what kind of impact they’ll have on you and your family. Obviously it would have been better to search, and even test, for flaws while you were courting. But now is a better time to do it than after you get pregnant.
Don’t expect perfection from your partner. But don’t accept flaws that will create nothing but heartache in the years to come; there is a difference. When you search for and discover the big issues, get information about their seriousness, without revealing them to anyone. If you must, ask a therapist, but not in context of your personal lives. Don’t get a therapist involved in your marriage unless you are clinging to a dangerous spouse and you need help getting out.
Whatever you do, don’t imagine your spouse will change. Even if they can, it would take tremendous effort on their part, much more than most are willing to make. People rarely change after they get married, no matter how strong their intention. If your new spouse is suffering with an uncontrolled flaw, it is best not to stick around.
On the other hand “Irritating” traits are not your spouse’s problem, but are yours. Look at your sensitivity to what you view as their imperfections, and do not burden your spouse with your intolerances. Learn how to work on them (part of premarriage education). You want your spouse to ignore and see past your flaws and praise you for all your wonderful qualities. Give your spouse the same treatment you expect from them. Even a great masterpiece has flaws in it.
A spouse is obligated through loyalty to only praise and never criticize their eternal lover. Never ever point out your spouse’s flaws to them or anyone else. Your spouse deserves your unmitigated respect and consideration.
If you confirm flaws that are incompatible with a deepening and secure marital life, it is better to end your marriage as soon as possible. Everyone will be better off. It is also best to be completely honest and up front during this process, if possible. Use a mediator, like a business lawyer, rather than a therapist; at this point the marriage is business.
If you have children and are reading this anyway, I must tell you, unless your spouse physically endangers your children, it is better to work around your grievances so your kids will have a complete home life. Divorce devastates children in many ways. There is almost always a way to work around any flaw in order to create more harmony and open the door to more love.
The bottom line recommendation is to go back, study pre marriage education. It is not too late because everything is covered, so you will know what you need to do.