Should I Divorce My Cheating Husband?

Should I Divorce My Cheating Husband?

I never advise divorce for women who have a cheating husband. It isn’t because I condone or justify infidelity. Infidelity is immoral and causes everyone pain. But instead of thinking about divorce, I strongly suggest a path of marital rejuvenation. Rebuild your marriage into the love nest you always wanted. That is the superior path. My experience over two-plus decades, bolstered by statistics that 80% of women who divorced for infidelity regretted it, should tell you that shifting your thinking from “this is the end” to “this is my wake-up call” is the better way. Why divorce your cheating husband when you can still have it all? Don’t throw away all the good.

Those of us in the “marriage business” know that separation, breaking up your family unit, and divorce are awful options. As common as divorce may be these days, making it appear “normal”, divorce is always disastrous. I know, for a fact, that you do not have to go that route. You can save your marriage and actually have a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible. It isn’t too late. I must add that you do not have to ask, or convince, your husband to “confess his sins” and join in your efforts to save your marriage. That route, or pushing for promises, doesn’t work. You alone, can make your marriage into a healthy, loving marriage. Saving literally thousands of marriages throughout the years, I know that with practical (proven) guidance you can make your future bright. I Know. I have given my life to saving marriages through The Marriage Foundation and the processes I created will work for you just as they have for any and all who use my discoveries.

Very few people agree that your marriage can be saved, much less turned around. Up until now the world view of what marriage is and how to save them has not been well known. So, how do I, an ex-divorce mediator, know? Why am I so confident? Why are our reviews and testimonials so consistently ‘grateful messages of success’? What can I possibly offer that nearly all marriage counselors and other “experts” have missed?

Understandably, you are now in a temporary place where you can easily justify ending your marriage. I am sure many of your friends, family, and even “professionals” will take your “side”. They will support and encourage you getting angry, feeling humiliated, and betrayed. They will blame, label, and condemn your husband for cheating on you. They will usually hold you up as the victim of a “monster”. Some, who are not so quick to judge, may suggest marriage counseling. (I wish marriage counseling was effective. but we who are familiar with traditional marriage counseling know too well that it is usually a path to divorce). So, what should you do? How can you save your marriage?

Marriage Requires Knowledge

two wedding rings

I start here because I want you to approach this challenge in your life without getting drowned in guilt, shame, or blame. The marital education that currently fills the mainstream comes from two primary sources: religious and Western psychological. Sadly, although religious marriage guidelines are mostly superior to the “find and fix” approach of psychological theory, neither of these sources address the deeper basics of marriage. The universally accepted basics are that ‘couples get married because they found their soulmate, fell in love, and get married’; all true. But learning these elements, as one would learn any important topic, is critical for success. Because marriage is a vehicle for happiness, love, and harmony, something not known or discussed, most of us got off to a good start but soon faltered. The following three questions need to be well answered and understood. It’s not too late.

  • What are the underlying reasons to marry?
    This simple question is more profound than you think. When you know why you get married, those ‘reasons to marry’ become your objectives, and your behaviors are then going to be considered, and your actions and thinking will be fashioned to achieve the ends you chose. Ultimately, there are three reasons/objectives Happiness, Love, and Harmony. You and your husband, like most couples, got married without knowing, much less thinking about, or doing what is needed to achieve these wonderful daily goals.
  • What are soulmates?Couple in a Romantic Sand Desert The positive ramifications of an accurate understanding of ‘soulmates’ are life changing. You don’t need to be religious for this. I worked with atheists who were more comfortable with the word “consciousness” but semantics aside the fact is that love is a spiritual reality, and it is we, as souls, who crave and experience love. “Emotional love” is different. Soul love is the real deal, and we need to learn and understand the differences so we can be fulfilled. You and your husband had no idea, so your marriage is, for the most part, unfulfilling. Not just for him, but for you, too.

  • What are we?
    Getting too deep? Not at all. As human beings we are endowed with innate God-given qualities unique in all creation. With just a little understanding we can have it all. Suffering is not our objective so we must learn and apply how to use our free will, volition, and discrimination. Recognizing the hierarchy of body, mind, and soul, is essential to mastering the mind, and is essential for marriage. We are not supposed to suffer. Your marriage is what I call the “sacred space of marriage”. Everyone can have an ideal marriage and it is not too late for you and your husband.

The Law of Cause and Effect
What woman whose husbands have cheated on them don’t consider, because of all the hurt and confusion, is the truth that your husband was so thoroughly unhappy in your marriage that he sought love and comfort in the arms of another woman. Was it right? Of course not. I never justify nor excuse cheating, no matter what. Cheating is immoral. But I don’t condemn him, either. I know he will pay the price because the law of karma doesn’t bend or hear excuses. But I know your husband isn’t evil. Yes, it’s the trend these days to call men narcissistic, and other nasty things, but that will not help your case whether you demand a divorce or choose the path of healing and rejuvenation. He did it and now you are in a place of decision, to love and forgive, or suffer the extreme tortures of divorce. If you want to heal your marriage you need to acknowledge that your husband cheated…why? The very bottom line is because your marriage was not giving him the fulfillment that he expected. It’s not your “fault”. You have not been getting the fulfillment that you expected, either. But his cheating was not an act against you. He does not hate you. He cheated for relief, not revenge. Nor does his cheating mean your marriage is over. Him cheating on you means that you have gotten a wake-up call. That is the best way to see it. And what is the solution? Now it is time to learn about marriage, the right way. Now, stop living in the old way of being hurt and humiliated. Now, become his queen and fulfil the promises so long neglected. Recognize by self-scrutiny that you were far from the loving wife you promised him at the altar. Neither blame him or yourself but be honest about your own behaviors and start to shift. That is all you need to do…but… At this point it would be easy for you to think you understand and all you need to do is follow what you learn in this article. I must warn you against that. You need to learn much and the cost of your education and the guidance we offer is ridiculously cheap for the assurance of getting what you need from our course for women. This isn’t a sales pitch. It is the truth. “Getting it” isn’t enough. Going forward is going to require knowledge you simply don’t have. That’s where we come in.

Human nature means we react to things the way we “want” not as we should. We are not like saints who operate from their hearts. We make many mistakes throughout our day, even more throughout our lives. You were far from perfect, and your husband certainly didn’t do what he should have, and he knows it. So, without getting into all the psychological reasons why; you, as the “offended” spouse, hold the fate of your marriage and your future in your hands. Put aside, forever, all the mistakes made by both of you and learn how to be married the right way and start fresh. Here is an abridged outline to follow starting right now.

  • Stop the things that only hurt your connection
    Marriage is meant to be a special place for us where we get away from the “crap” we endure everywhere else in our lives. So don’t contribute to his pressures with complaining, criticism, or condemning. Catch yourself before you speak harshly, then don’t.

  • Re-become the woman he fell in love with
    We live in a world of attraction and repulsion. Kindness, sincere compliments, admiration, and other acknowledgments are a necessity for men.Sweet Couple Having Tasty Breakfast

  • Make your marriage a nest of love
    Sex and other ways of expressing love, loyalty, and attraction are a must for men.

Positive love-based philosophies are the basis of The Marriage Foundation’s teachings. These are marital principles I discovered that work like mathematics. From our experience, they work for everyone. We have saved and turned around many thousands of marriages since 2001. Learning and applying these simple and extensive principles is, to me, the highest logic because the rest of your life will improve and your happiness, instead of being derailed, will flourish. Marriage is not lightweight. It was created by God to bring happiness, love, and harmony to your life, individually and together.

You and I know your marriage was not doing that well before your husband cheated on you. But with proper education, all will change. Do you notice how I do not use the word “can” change? It is because what I discovered is so powerful that it works when applied. Those who take our marriage course for women, and thousands have, all succeed. The only exceptions are when you are no longer living under the same roof. But even then, unless your husband has moved in with his affair partner, there is still hope.

Traditional Marriage Counseling is Flat earth “Science”
In 2001 I recognized the impracticality of traditional marriage counseling methods while I was discovering and learning the correct understanding of marriage. I was a divorce mediator in San Diego. I was asked to save a couple’s marriage… instead of dissolving it. That’s what began my journey of marriage saving. From what I learned about marriage I was able to create a process, systems, and techniques that always work. The following knowledge points will help you.

  • The actual purpose of marriage
    God doesn’t create randomly, and marriage has a definite purpose. We get married so we can learn to love, unconditionally. This deep and beautiful truth became more and more clear to me, and it underlies everything we teach.

  • The reasons we got married
    The ‘universal’ reasons are simple and profound – Happiness, Love, and Harmony. Our teachings undistractedly focus on achieving these three noble goals of every woman’s and man’s life.

  • Who we married
    Marriages are made in heaven. We marry our soulmate, pure, and simple.Bride and Groom Beside Sea.png

  • What marriage is
    Marriage is an individual spiritual path trod by two soulmates, together. We are to love, support, and contribute to our partner’s happiness.

  • There is a mechanical structure to marriage
    To achieve the lofty benefits of marriage one must stick to the laws that govern it. Then, like adding sugar to coffee we are rewarded with the sweetness that comes naturally to a well-understood and well-run marriage.

  • Only one of you needs to learn
    Couples counseling is a gimmick that fails every time. A wife armed with true knowledge can save her marriage every time.

Can I Still Save My Marriage?
After 23+ years of guiding individuals, I proved that a wife’s efforts will save her marriage.

Instead of asking “Should I divorce my cheating husband?” you should ask “How should I approach this humiliating and overwhelming “problem” in ways that really make sense, that truly works?” Not just for a few months, but for the future. What is best for myself, for my children, and my husband? Is there a way to get past his infidelity without compromising myself? Can I do this? Can we move forward without beating down myself or the man I still love? Is there hope for a positive outcome? And, what if he is still cheating?

What About the Signs of a Husband’s Infidelity
The one sign of your husband cheating, that has you searching for ideas that will guide your next steps, was discovering your husband’s infidelity. Looking back at this point for reasons is what too many traditional marriage counselors will do, especially couples’ counselors. With an emphasis on the husband, they believe that by identifying the attitudes and behaviors that led to your husband cheating they can get agreements to change. That idea looks good “on paper” but it simply does not work. Dull or stagnant marriages are susceptible to Infidelity. It is that simple. There are cause and effect reasons why husbands cheat but it’s not this or that, it is the feel of the marriage as a whole. Simply, your husband was not fulfilled. Some women write to us and sincerely express shock. They tell us (you, too, can write to our marriage counselors for free) they are great wives who did it all. They cooked, cleaned, had sex, took care of the kids, and so forth. Usually they ‘forget’ that their husband was often distracting himself, spending a lot of time with his friends or on social media and they only spent real time in bed or stopped having sex. They missed the signs. But why wait for signs? The only thing that works, that should be your goal, your objective, is making your marriage into the dream marriage both of you imagined when you first realized he is your soulmate. Why even consider some form of patching. You deserve a great marriage, and it is not too late.

How do I Forgive My Husband for Cheating On Me?
There are those who suggest “acceptance” but we know that is just plain wrong. On the other hand, we can have an understanding (every one of us is imperfect). We can understand how your husband caved in and why. Without justifying his actions, we understand his weaknesses and think of his betrayal as a self-betrayal. There will be consequences for him that we may never see. In that light, we recall your vows to love him unconditionally and so you will want to bring him a better future where he doesn’t succumb to temptation. Then make the best effort to heal your marriage. It does not require him “doing his part”. Our way is to heal the marriage starting with you healing yourself. Make all that matters is that your marriage becomes the happiest and most love-filled part of your and his life. It may seem out of reach at the moment, but our system works like mathematics so when you use it you will succeed. When you decide to stay and heal it only makes sense to now choose to fully change the dynamics of your marriage, making it happy and fulfilling.

First Steps to Save a Broken Marriage
The truth is you never knew how to be happily married. There was no plan, no list of do’s and don’ts, no spoken about expectations, just love and hope. So, you couldn’t possibly have a marriage where all you need to do is fix this or that. The first step, then, is to learn everything about marriage that is essential. You must learn how to control yourself; your negative emotions, anger, and so forth. You will get much faster and better results by learning and applying. You will, with the right guidance, create the right foundation for your marriage. Then start building your marriage based on marital science. Nobody can fix the past, and forgiveness and promises are useless. What you need to do is remove the real reasons your husband strayed and now infuse the basics that make him desire you above all else. Let’s be honest. I know, and you know that your marriage was anything but great long before you discovered your husband’s infidelity. But now, we change all of that.

5 Steps to Fixing a Broken Marriage, For Women | Paul Friedman

Your Own Moment of Truth
I became known in San Diego and Hollywood as a real marriage saver. My approach was steadily gaining acclaim among local marriage counselors and movie industry elites. Perhaps I would still be there if my son hadn’t died, but that event shook me to my core and if were not for a family friend who is an IT genius it would likely have been the end. He suggested that I transform what I knew into online courses, and he would help with the production and internet aspects. That work kept me engaged and it was then that I realized just how elegant my discoveries are, and it became abundantly clear to me that what we now teach is more than just marriage saving, as if that were not enough. The courses we offer are life changing.

I do pray that you are at least intrigued enough to look deeper and then get the course that will save your marriage. I also want you to know that the course will guide you toward happiness and love, and those are the gifts of God. Those are the promises of our Heavenly Father. No, we are not a religious organization and you don’t have to be a believer to use our course. But just as fresh air and sunshine are gifts for all, so is happiness and love.