I’m appalled by the methods used in what I call traditional marriage counseling, including the countless books and programs that promote them. And although what is offered by the renowned marriage counseling experts may sometimes seem to work (renowned because they save the easy cases), what they offer falls short for MOST people. Why? Because a psychological approach is wrong for marriage.
Psychology has little to do with marital happiness, so its use does nothing but make matters worse. Sure, if the couple goes into a program that offers tips in communication and other foundational ideas, which are not psychologically based anyway, a couple’s marriage may get a bit better. But to SAVE a marriage, or take it to new heights of happiness, those programs have little or nothing of value. When your marriage is on the rocks you need lots more than a few tips.
I have personal experience with marriage counselors as a ‘user’. My first wife and I (yes, I too had a failed marriage) went to no fewer than a dozen of the “best”. And as much as we wanted our marriage to work their misguided efforts never helped us. Instead the useless sessions made us feel like we would never have a happy marriage.
Like nearly everyone else, we didn’t know the “experts” don’t really understand marriage at all, and statistically their personal rate of success in their own marriages is worse than average.
Therapists cannot even accurately define marriage or explain the primary benefits, which are wonderful and not out of reach even if you are having trouble.
I could list all their dysfunctions but their results say it all. Their success rate, though usually hidden, is ridiculously low; well below 10%. But like most businesses they try to obfuscate the truth with fake surveys. But if you dig deep you can get to the truth.
Fact; MOST couples who go to marriage counseling end up getting divorced faster than they would have if they did nothing.
You see, my personal experience was not my last or my only experience with the “experts”. Later, I became a divorce mediator, and guess what. I and everyone else in the divorce business live off the referrals from marriage counselors; their failures. And we mediators, who are usually communication experts, could see the damage they did.
At the tail end of my time as a divorce mediator I got smarter and completely changed my mind about divorce. Before then I too was a victim of marital “common knowledge”; which I discovered is mostly incorrect.
Like most people in the huge divorce industry I too supported the idea of divorce. I sincerely used to think it was good for couples who couldn’t get along to go their separate ways, even believing, oh so wrongly, that kids of divorce would do just fine. But the unequivocal truth, backed up by decades of statistics, is that divorce is very hard on couples and extremely hard on kids, even though kids don’t know, or say so at the time.
Let’s face it, kids don’t know what is going on. They trust their parents to do what is best for them. I find it disgraceful that some use surveys of what kids think to back up their claims. Heck, most kids think they don’t need to do their homework, or brush their teeth; they’re kids! They get most of their views on life from snapchat and instagram.
Now I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that:
- Divorce is horrendous! It negatively effects everyone without exception.
- Kids NEVER do better, even when a divorce is necessary (which is rare).
- Psychologists are NOT marriage experts and almost always make things worse.
- Clergy can sometimes help, but almost never enough (dogma does not apply).
- Its the dynamics of a marriage that determines individual marital happiness.
MOST Marriages Can Be Completely Healed With The Right Marriage Help
The first couple whose marriage I helped save with my methods came to me for a divorce. It was back when I was a divorce mediator. They agreed to be my “guinea pigs” for a marriage saving system I would develop for them. They really had nothing to lose. If we failed I promised I would do their divorce for free. But we did great. They are still together, and happy. That was years ago, back in 2003! What I discovered about marriage inspired me to transition to saving marriages. Over time I’ve helped hundreds and then thousands.
Since then I expanded and refined my system into the most useful, fastest, easiest to implement, affordable marriage help you’ll find anywhere, that causes a permanent positive change to your marriage. I wrote two best selling marriage books, did public speaking, and trained chosen MFT’s (marriage family therapists) to act as counselors for our foundation and use in their own practices.
Fixing a few problems isn’t enough. Marriage is supposed to deliver ongoing ever-expanding happiness, not suffering. And its not supposed to be a struggle. Doesn’t that make sense?
The system I created works for everyone and anyone because the principles of marriage, like the ultimate goals of love, are universal. I rely on universal principles of marriage that are as dependable as gravity. It’s why my system is fool proof.
How To Rate Your Own Marriage
Not all “bad” marriages have the same degree of challenges. So we created a way for you to pinpoint your marriage’s state. Let’s figure out where your marriage stands.
Joyous Marriage – Marriage is supposed to be joyous. Like an airplane is supposed to fly and a boat is supposed to float a marriage is designed to bring joy, period. If yours is not producing joy its not the fault of the marriage, but the fault of the co-captains not knowing how, which means you can learn how, and get it back up to this status…right? Yes, that is right.
A joyous marriage gets better every day, you’re excited to see each other, and you are both always loving, happy and harmonious. (Its not too late even if your marriage is currently falling apart.). You float in a bubble, like when you were engaged but better. Life is much sweeter because your marriage is the happiest place in your life. You both do better, your kids are happy and you are living the promise of marriage.
Click to increase this chart’s size
Stagnant Marriage – If your marriage is flat, lacks intimacy, you have frequent misunderstandings, and are emotionally distant, which is the biggest tell, you have a stagnant marriage. This is often marked by a boredom and frustration. Usually, if this is all that is happening, these are relatively easy to fix. Write in to one of our counselors for free, or pick up my book, Breaking The Cycle to learn foundational knowledge which should get you out of a stagnant marriage rut.
Rocky Marriage – This level down is not good, and it will continue to get worse. Very little if any loving communication, emotionally disconnected, and maybe wishing for a different life. Sex is usually rare or its turned into mutual masturbation. Don’t think a rocky marriage will fix itself! They always descend to the next level, some more quickly than others. This is not emergency room serious, but heading there.
There are no good reasons to wait to ‘do something’ about your marriage. Any of the symptoms listed should be seen as warnings, alerting you to the fact that if you don’t take action now you’re going to have much more to deal with later.
At the very least, you could pick up one of my books, but it would be better to attend one of our weekly webinars (when they are happening) or seriously look into my course; that is the absolute best answer for helping any marriage no matter how bad things have gotten.
Failing Marriage – Here you are in serious trouble, emergency room style. Without taking immediate action your failing marriage will fail, and end in divorce. Constant fighting is usual but sometimes you don’t fight, but one of you has given up. Separation, living separate lives, infidelity, considering divorce; all of these symptoms are sirens going off in your head telling you that you must do something to fix your marriage before it’s too late. Heed them.
It’s not too late for a failing marriage. Don’t give up. We specialize in recovering marriages that every other so-called marriage expert will tell you its too late for. But if you don’t take the right steps even we can’t help you. Marriages don’t fix themselves.
How Does It Work?
Will It Work If Only I Do It?
First of all, my system works just as well for ‘individuals’ whose spouse is not interested in participating in healing the marriage as when a couple both want to work on their marriage. I focus on the individual in both cases. Its the only thing that can work. You and your spouse are and will always be individuals, so that is where the healing has to begin, with you as an individual.
Don’t try solving “problems”. A focus on issues results in more issues. Divorce is the inevitable result of that approach. As soon as you start to discuss an issue, it opens a can of worms which create more issues and more wormy cans. You need to learn what I call “marital communication” techniques to keep things happy when you discuss anything, big or small.
Issues are just symptoms anyway, never the real problem. So I go to the heart, the all important dynamics, which we do by resetting your thinking and behaviors; your habits, reactions, emotions, anger and so forth. We gently get you back onto solid ground so you can do what needs to be done.
Change the core of your marriage, which is you, so you can stop the downward cycles, then change the approaches you have to your spouse and marriage to create ever expanding happiness. Why keep cleaning the carpet when your dog is still not housebroken?
Our Complete Marriage System is a three step process that converts your marriage into a joyous marriage. It begins with self-work.
First – Stabilize Yourself And Marriage
The first step halts the negative momentum. You get a firm handle on your emotions, triggers, and reactive behaviors which erode your marriage and happiness. This step calms things down, stops the slide, and stabilizes “you” (YOU are important) so you can breathe.
“I would like to thank you for creating this program. Your explanation of these triggers and reactions resonates with me – I reflected my past behaviors and do realize how instinctively I reacted when my husband and I have issues. I also appreciate the support and guidance your counselors provided whenever I seem to go off track a bit when I get affected by things currently going on.”
Second – Lay A Foundation
As you stabilize you begin laying a proper foundation for your future marriage by learning how to communicate without pushing each other away etc. Learning how to listen and create a connection is not as hard as you think. You learn about the dos and don’ts, which behaviors and manners of thinking will build your marriage, or harm it, and why.
Finally – Reach New Heights
As you create a solid foundation in your marriage you are simultaneously laying the groundwork to build your marriage to heights of happiness like you dreamed of when you got engaged. You will float higher than ever before. By infusing love and harmony into your marriage, you’ll be well on your way to creating expanding joyousness every single day. Don’t think this is a “sales pitch” or fairy tale. This is what marriage is supposed to deliver, and it will.
TMF Certified Counselors
Though I recommend against visiting traditional marriage counselors for the reasons I outlined, I trained and certified counselors in my methods and principles. Access to them is included with my course. You will get all the support you need no matter how much you need.
Using our counselors helps a speedy recovery and gain lost happiness.
It’s very easy to spend thousands of dollars on traditional marriage counseling. I know, I did that route. It makes no sense to visit the greatest marriage counselors for months and not make any visible progress in your marriage. Besides, you should be able to see results in days, or weeks at the most.
With my system you will. So not only is this system a fraction of the cost, it also takes a fraction of the time to implement it in your marriage.
Read more about my Complete Marriage System. It will help you start Stabilizing right away. If you’re in a rocky or failing marriage don’t wait. We want you to succeed and have a happy marriage. We are here for you.