This article isn’t intended to be a “teaser”, to get you to buy our programs. But since this article was first written, we have learned that any bare bones explanations (as you find in articles), without thoroughly explaining the parts of the mind and its interfaces with the world, etc. just does not work. People, and I mean pretty much ALL people, get the wrong ideas, and miss its benefits; so there is a dilemma.
I want everyone to know about the SEW, and we are even speaking with charter schools, to set up a pilot course to teach kids about marriage, and the SEW. Those kids will then NEVER have problems with their future marriage; never!
But for you, now, there is just no way around you having to learn the principles and methods we teach; the right way.
The SEW is not just about stopping anger
Anger in your marriage (and in every day life) is a big problem. The suffering comes from feeling it, not being able to get past it (for many), and it often lasts in the background for days; or longer. Some people are always angry!
But I see anger as just one of a basket full of mental conditions that take all the fun out of life. There are other conditions that are handled by the SEW technique.
- Bad habits
All of the above have a disastrous effect on your marriage, your spouse, your kids, and yourself; maybe not all of them at once, but any one of these will ruin your day; for sure.
Some people reach a point where they turn to anger management programs. But anyone who has tried that route knows they don’t work that well. You still feel the anger.
But, in defense of those programs, at least you know how to stop yourself from breaking the dishes; or someone’s head. But I don’t think that is enough! I think you can pretty much eradicate these demons. (I’m not suggesting they are actual ‘demons’, but they sure feel like it).
You can end anger’s curse
Things that prompt anger to rear its ugly head are numerous, to be sure, but those “things” are not, actually, the real cause.
The true source of anger is found in the biological drive-to-survive, which establishes triggers in your mind. The ‘triggers’ are set off by external “reasons”.
The SEW cannot “fix”, or alter the drive-to-survive. Those are biologically hard-wired. The SEW technique addresses your mind at the point of the triggers.
What Is Anger, Anyway?
Anger is never you. Le’s begin right there. You may say “I am angry”, but it is a false statement. The more accurate way to express the temporary state of anger would be “my mind is angry”.
“YOU”, are NOT your mind!
Because Western “teachings” leave out the most important fact, that we are souls, who have a body, and a mind , we learn that a mind is the center of your universe, the controller over your life. But it isn’t so.
Here is an excerpt from a well known psychologist, Gregg Henriques, which is, effectively, nonsense He wrote. “Freud discovered’ over a century ago and is now well-known by modern day psychologists (see, e.g., Tim Wilson’s Strangers to Ourselves)–consciousness is only a small portion of mental processes.”
The above is patently false, but he proudly presents it as reality! His conclusion is that your consciousness (another word for soul; but without the deeper explanation) is just a small part of you; and only an abstract idea.
Did you follow how he presents Freud’s “proof”, as proof? But did not share what that magical proof is?
Core Western psychological “teachings” are theorized by professors. They then back up their theories with other theories, that other theorists made up before them. There is no true science, anywhere. It is just a bunch of people who agree with each other; as long as it leaves out God, souls, angels, etc. it is all okay for them.
Look, I have no problem with people staying away from religious explanations; it is a personal choice. But if you want to happily married it helps, tremendously, to recognize marriage is between two souls; each having their own body, and mind.
To be fair, I have met a number of psychologists who pass their boards review, and still understand the truth; that we are souls. But they cannot openly admit the basic, common-sense truth that
- You are soul who has a mind, and therefore you
- Can control your mind, because it is yours.
Until one accepts that the mind is a possession I cannot see how they can use their free will.
Then, I ask, how can you deal with anger if you don’t know what it is?
Anger is the instinctive reaction of the mind not getting it’s way
Truly, when all is said and done, and you scrape away all of the ‘reasons’ that trigger anger, that is all there is to it. Another way to say this, which is incorrect, is anger comes from not getting your way. Again, this is why you need to treat your mind as a possession.
I hope this short explanation is adequate. Although it is impossible to share the whole SEW technique in an article, I still want you to understand the basis.
Believe me, if I shared the technique in short order you would not be able to derive its benefits. I have tried!
I want the anger in your marriage to be gone, so Take the course. Obviously, that is not all you will learn in our courses, but we start with it; that is how important the SEW is.
Your mind is a possession. It is a tool you have total control over. Psychologists tell us, in various ways, that we cannot control it. They are wrong.
Some say you can trick your mind into doing what “you” want, as expressed in this article. But they never say what “you” actually are. I can tell you.
I am a soul; that’s what I am, and that is what you are. And, I can control my mind, as a result of using the SEW (all the time), and I give full credit to this one technique.
I am no longer bullied by anger, emotions, bad habits, and regrettable reactions and temptations.
I have shown thousands what I discovered, and know, and use. By learning how to control your mind you will get rid of the anger habit, and all the other pests of marriage.
You are a soul. Of course you can control your mind!
Don’t be afraid of failure. Your mind is amazing and powerful. But it’s nothing without a soul, you, to manage it.
When you practice the SEW you will see how much power you have over your life. You will have enough power so that when your mind starts to become angry you will have the power to stop it, dead in its tracks.
The technique is a tool that leverages your will power. You would not even try to turn a screw into wood without a screwdriver because you need that leverage; the same with the SEW. It leverages your will power.
Ideas like “we are creatures of habits” or “you can’t change”, or “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” etc. are irrelevant when you have the SEW.
The SEW technique was not originally conceived of to fight anger in your marriage. But it does.
I didn’t always know about the SEW technique, or believe me, my own life would have been a lot better, a lot sooner. It wasn’t until the 90’s that I even thought I had a problem with anger. I thought anger was just part of being a man. So I allowed my anger to jump in, any time.
I actually thought of anger as a friend of sorts. I used it to intimidate people to get my way.
In my first marriage and in business I used it all the time. It wasn’t until I realized that I could not stop my anger at will that I saw I had a problem; that I saw anger was using me.
From that point of realization I tried everything, from psychological to spiritual techniques, to rid myself of it. I didn’t do so well. I could tell you the stories, from my curling up on the ground, to calling all my friends (pre facebook) to ask for prayers, to falling on my knees… on and on. Anger owned me!
By use of sheer determined will power I got it mostly under control, but it took ten years, and it never was far from the scene. It haunted me. If you have anger you know exactly what I’m talking about.
You may not be going through what I did, where I was so crippled by my anger that I would be on the floor. Granted. But, it actually is true that nobody is spared from anger, because of its source in the body. Worse, it clouds judgment, interferes with love and connection, and screws up a lot of your life.
In 2003, when I shifted my practice from divorce mediation to marriage help, I discovered a serious problem that won’t be a shock to anyone.
I discovered if anyone wanted to change anything about themselves it was a massive undertaking, and required baby steps.
This problem is serious, because when someone saw something about themselves that needed to be changed right away they couldn’t just do it. They were owned by their habits.
I decided the underlying problem (The Marriage Foundation is all about fixing underlying problems) is habits; subconscious, deeply entrenched habits.
I had to have a way people could deal with habits; right now, and always. Because it is all about habits!
Your good habits are great, but the bad habits are brutal. And from everything you read, almost everywhere, habits are going to doom you to remain who you are for the rest of your life.
I could not accept that. I trust God to be a loving God, who wants us to succeed, and here I was watching good people lose their families over, what came down to, trifling habits.
Think about it.
Men who use porn; just habits.
Men who stray; still, habits.
Men who abuse; habits.
Women who criticize; habits.
Women who get mad; habits.
Do you really think these problems are just “natural responses” to the other? No, they are not, and those who want to correct the other to save their marriage are unrealistic. But let’s not go there now.
The point is I needed a technique to give to my couples, so they could start a new life together.
Current or past problems? The past cannot be fixed, or reconciled.
The past is the past. But the future, and the present, can be dramatically changed.
When God shows me the way, I write it down. I am not embarrassed to tell you that I turn to God for the big things, and the little things.
The key is in the fact that the mind is your’s, and you the soul, are king.
The king needs to exert its power over a rebellious mind, comprised of out-of-hand disobedient servants; imagination, memory, judgment etc. So, after much prayer, meditation, thinking, and analysis, it came to me.
I developed, SEW, for ending any habit at will. It works seamlessly (kind of in the background), and works for pretty much anyone.
People who use a lot of drugs and alcohol hurt their will power, and so the technique is more difficult for them to establish. Otherwise, it works for almost everyone, right away.
Empty promises do more harm than good
Individuals have to be able to do more than just say “I will never do that again”. But because of habits, that is usually what happens. My SEW technique, however, gives you direct power over the mind, just when you need it the most.
When you start to use the SEW you will find it very difficult; everyone does. But within days, you start to see some serious results.
I told you about the problems I had with anger, and its as good a testimonial as there is. Once I had the SEW, I began using it myself. The lurking anger receded more and more.
Now, I can tell you that anger has not been a problem, at all, for many years. I cannot tell you that anger never shows itself, because the mind is always connected to a body so will always react instinctively. But I just brush it off like a fly that lands on my shoulder.
I am not the only one, of course. thousands use the SEW, as it is the first part of our marriage program. It has to be. Whatever you learn about your marriage is useless unless you can make changes. The SEW will be your lifesaver!
Anger is one thing. The habit of uncontrolled anger is another
Anger happens, and it always will, because it is the mind’s instinctive reaction to not getting its way. Really, that’s all it is!
But when we think it is “us” instead of just the mind, and you think “I” am angry, instead of “My mind” is angry, we get into hot water, and it impacts our marriage, our life, our health, our happiness, and all those around us. That is when you need to deal with it!
Bottom line is that anger, as big as it is, is only one, among the important habits we need to conquer in order to make our marriage amazing.
Please, don’t put off your happiness. Don’t let anger in your marriage cripple you. Let us show you the golden path of marital happiness.