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Pretend you are Aunt Julie or Uncle Jake, and your favorite niece just told you her boyfriend popped the big question.
As she bubbles over her fiance’s wonderful qualities, all of a sudden she pauses, gets a serious look in her eyes, and says, “I’m scared. I don’t know very much about marriage. Can you help me?”
If you’re like most people, you will do what comes naturally and create something right on the spot, drawing from your own experiences.
There is nothing wrong with that. But of course you really want to be helpful based on universally true science, not just your own experiences.
The first time I was in that position my mind raced all over the place, trying to sort and distill all I had known, as quickly as I could. I wanted to give a truly useful answer. Let’s face it, just because I am an expert, it doesn’t mean they will believe no substitute exists for full-on premarital education when I say so.
For those who find themselves in this situation, I thought this through and came up with three tips for the newly engaged. Remember, though, only one tip will stick, if you are lucky.
This may sound negative, but if they need to hear this, and then act on it, it will save more heartache than can be imagined.
Now that you’re engaged, both of you will adjust to the new security that comes with expressed commitments. The pressure to impress each other will wear off, and showing only your good side will slip. This is almost 100% the case gradually over time.
So, take note of your future spouse’s “other” traits. See if they become even more caring, or if their attitude shifts into expectations and they take you for granted. It isn’t too late to put off your engagement to see what develops, or end the relationship if you decide you don’t want to be with them for the rest of your life.
I cannot tell you how many individuals were helped by this advice! Many end the relationship when they have “permission” from someone they trust.
Don’t slip into relaxed (meaning non-user friendly) behaviors. Don’t think, “Now that we’re committed, its OK to be ‘yourself.'” The person who fell in love with you also fell in love with the sweetness and the consideration you expressed. Continue behaving the way you have, not just until you are married, but for the rest of your life. That effort is what creates a happy marriage.
Don’t let expectations of receiving love ever derail your own best efforts for giving love. The only marriages that work well are the ones based on unconditional friendship and support.
The above tips are good, but not enough.
At the end of the day there is no substitute for knowledge. Maybe you can be the one who gifts them a meaningful premarital education course. It’s the best gift of all.
