Why Am I So Angry At My Husband?

Sharon's Testimonial
I Cant Stop Being Angry

Dear TMF,

I can’t stop myself from being mad at my husband, and it’s ruining our marriage. I know I’m not supposed to look at his flaws all the time, but I do. I just seem to be angry at him all the time, even though he is a great husband and father. Do I need therapy? Is our marriage over?

I have to admit, I’m afraid I’m ruining our marriage. Our baby shouldn’t have to suffer from a divorce just because I can’t shake this. I’m writing to you because I saw one of your videos on youtube and I hope you can help me.

Thank you,
Shan

[Shan was answered privately by a counselor. It’s free to ask your questions here. —Ed]

Can Anger At Your Spouse Be Overcome?

Anger is one of the most common problems in a marriage, so don’t be ashamed of it. People afflicted by anger know very well how it steals every ounce of happiness, making the goal of marital harmony feel completely out of reach. But once anger is conquered, you’ll be overjoyed by all the love that comes rushing back into your marriage.

Anger is a VERY solvable problem when you have a clear understanding of what causes it, and a specific process to fix it. Being constantly angry at your spouse can absolutely be resolved. But not by trying to fix the “problem”, or today’s “reason” why you are angry. You must address the underlying causes in your mind.

It’s a shame we don’t learn about how the mind works in school or when growing up, as we would avoid so many negative interactions with others; especially our spouses.

We’ve found that learning how the mind works and eliminating anger are so critically important for saving marriages that they are the first concepts we teach our clients. Because of this, our approach has proven to be far more effective than traditional marriage help.

No one has to live with anger. It can be conquered!

Once you learn why your mind gets angry, and start seeing for yourself how it works, you’ll be able to start making progress.

Although most people are able to ‘get by’ living with their anger, many more eventually reach a point where the anger episodes get so bad they finally recognize how it affects their lives, their marriages, and their basic peace and happiness. At that point, something has to be done.

Fortunately, anger is one of the problems that can easily be traced to its root cause and overcome.

My Own Past With Anger

Long before I became a marriage healer, I personally suffered from anger and eventually came to my own point of realization that something had to be done.

I had always been prone to anger, but I never saw it as a problem. I always had a reason to justify it. In the ’90s, I started recognizing the negative impact it had on my family, friends, and business associates and I finally decided to do something about it.

Unfortunately, the psychological tools available at the time were pretty meager and insufficient.

With a determined effort, and many “final” vows to stop being angry, I was able to make some progress, but not nearly enough considering the effort I put in. It took everything I could muster to just begin to control my outer reactions.

After working on it for over 10 years, I still hadn’t made any real progress. The only thing I learned to do was to become aware of my reactions. Sometimes I could stuff my anger, or redirect it. But I never actually conquered it then.

Once I began saving marriages, I started observing anger objectively, traced its origins, learned what fed it, and devised a way to eliminate it.

Everything changed when I learned about the relationship between the body, mind, and soul. This is the real key to understanding the cause of anger and how it impacts marriage.

Through helping my clients, I created a clear, foolproof process to conquer anger. I now teach this process as part of my larger step-by-step marriage-saving system. It has done wonders for me and my clients, allowing us to master anger, and become immune to the anger of others. As you can imagine, that was a very pleasant and unexpected surprise for me!

In this article, I’m going to share my discoveries with you, so you can see for yourself how anger works and what you can do about it.

What Triggers Anger

Divorce is the worst disease in america
When You Understand How To Create Joy In Marriage, You’ll NEVER Get A Divorce

Contrary to popular belief, anger is NOT caused by outer circumstances like life events or what people say or do. Not even if someone is intentionally offensive toward us.

One of the reasons I chose to write about this email is because I like how Shan noticed this important detail herself. She realized the anger she feels isn’t based at all on her husband’s behavior.

Society teaches us to blame our anger on others. We are taught to justify our anger based on outer conditions such as “he started it” or “she was rude.”

Some anger management experts suggest the solution is to avoid anything that will trigger your anger. But ultimately, that’s not practical. It’s like staying inside just in case the weather turns bad, instead of simply dressing appropriately.

Blaming anger on outer conditions not only doesn’t help, it makes the situation worse by distracting us from the real problem and its solution.

Outer conditions trigger switches in the mind, but they are not the cause of the anger. This distinction is very important. In order to resolve anger, we must understand it and how it is caused.

The Root Cause Of Anger

Anger has a basic formula that is as sure as gravity. This won’t explain everything, but it does establish a clear premise upon which to build your understanding.

The formula can be expressed as, “Anger is the primal reaction to thwarted desires.”

Said another way, anger is the mind’s reaction to not getting its way. I hate putting it that way because it makes an angry person seem like a spoiled brat, which is as far from the truth as can be. Yet, the formula is accurate, though it may not be clear at first.

It seems reasonable and logical to blame anger on the person who “caused it”, but with a little analysis, we can see the anger is actually caused by them behaving in a way different from how we wanted and expected them to behave; a thwarted desire.

Look how angry people get about stupid politics! This occurs because of politicians not doing what we want them to do. Thwarted desires.

Some people even use anger as a weapon, threatening to get upset, cry, or scream if they don’t get their way. Thwarted desires.

People even get mad at God or life when they or a family member falls ill.

Though all of these outer “causes” seem like reasonable justifications for getting angry, ultimately it is the person who gets angry who is the real victim. They are the only one who feels the anger and loses their happiness by suffering its negative effects. They are the only one who selected the conditions that would trigger their anger. They are the only one who even has the power to get angry or to stop it.

The construction of the human mind itself creates the conditions in which anger can exist; specifically, the following three functions of the subconscious mind:

  1. Instincts – which are imminently reactive.
  2. Habits – which are autopilots, to save time and effort.
  3. Memories – which store past “useful” information, whether correct or not.

Shan could clearly see that feeling angry all the time was illogical and ruining her marriage, but she didn’t have the anger formula or an understanding of how habits, memories, and instincts played a role in undermining her happiness. Without this knowledge, she couldn’t figure out what the heck was going on. She thought there might even be something wrong with her that might require therapy. Fortunately, this was not the case.

Shan showed great maturity by understanding it was not her husband’s fault that she felt angry. A deeper explanation of anger will help you also extricate yourself from the seemingly inescapable dilemma: ‘If he acts like a jerk, how is it not his fault if I’m angry?’ I will elaborate more on this later.

How Our Biology Creates Anger

Understanding how the body and mind interact to ultimately create anger is the key to resolving anger issues.

Many of our traits have their origins in the biology of our particular gender. These psycho-physiological traits are incredibly tenacious and difficult to overcome.

Some biologically based traits are wonderful. For instance, the nurturing trait we primarily see manifested in women. Most women have this trait, and most men don’t, as you know. This is in part because a woman’s body, designed for childbearing and mothering, releases hormones that affect her mind to behave in a certain way.

Men, who are not treated to these biologically produced chemical cocktails tend to be more indifferent to the needs of others. This isn’t a judgment. That’s just the way it is.

This is just one of many examples that illustrate how our biology controls our minds right under our noses without us realizing that it’s happening.

There is an underlying motivating force that controls much of our behavior which is universally built into our biology. And that doesn’t just mean men and women; it’s in ALL living things. You must be aware of this trait if you want to be happy in your marriage.

The number one biologically driven trait is the drive to survive. It is as present in a blade of grass as it is in a single-celled amoeba or a human being. Our bodies are a collective of trillions of individual cells, all striving to survive.

The body comes with all sorts of needs for food, shelter, and so on, which all exist for one reason only: to satisfy the drive to survive. If it was left to the mind alone to remember it needed food and other essentials, it would likely forget to feed the body. But the mind is reminded by a signal from the body when it is chemically short on some sustenance. That signal is an instinct.

The mind, in an effort to serve the needs of the body more efficiently, stores information that it knows the body is going to trigger, in the form of, have you guessed it? Memories and Habits!

The memories are filled with information from past experiences so the mind “knows” when to react to certain opportunities or threats.

There are two main expressions of the drive to survive. One is for opportunities, like food, and the other is for threats. Protecting the body is the most crucial job of the untrained mind. The body rules the mind, and thus you, by scaring it all the time, making it think that your life will end if something does or doesn’t happen.

If your boss doesn’t smile at you, your mind may put its own version of events together and think you’re going to lose your job, your security will be at stake, and your life is on the line.

If your husband doesn’t smile at you, your mind may create its own story and decide he is cheating on you, your marriage will fail, your friends and family will shun you, and you guessed it, your life is in danger.

The subconscious calculations are endless, the threats are endless, the fear is always right around the corner, and the mind reacts to fear with… ANGER!

Anger is the instinctive response to fear, real or imagined.

The Relationship Of Body, Mind, and Soul

I have been referring to “the mind” this whole time as if it is a separate entity because it is. You are not the mind. You are essentially a soul or a consciousness who possesses a mind and an animal body.

The body is driven to survive and filled with instincts. It makes constant demands of the mind for food, water, shelter, bathrooms, procreation, comfort, and safety.

The mind is simply a sub-conscious calculator that responds to and manages the body, stores memories, and performs habitual actions (and reactions).

If you, as a conscious being, do not control your mind, reactions, and behavior, then the body will. And if you regularly suffer from anger, then it has been running the show for a long time.

You will have a body until the day you die, and its traits and motivations will always be present. Learning about the mind allows us to objectively recognize what is happening and do something about it before we get caught up in anger or other negative emotions.

What About His Bad Behavior?

The distinction between the outward event and the cause of anger is important.

Your spouse might indeed have done something unacceptable that needs to be addressed. Fine, address it. However, your anger is an issue for you to address. Will you make better decisions for your family when communicating with your spouse in a blind rage? Or will you make better decisions when you are calm, loving and wise?

There are things your spouse might do that trigger your mind, such as leaving the towels on the floor, the seat up, or the toothpaste cap off. Or maybe not communicating enough, or too much, or lying, or being too honest. Do you see how the anger is triggered in your own mind? Your triggers might even change daily based on some subjective criteria or desires that you don’t even know you have and don’t want.

Your spouse might trigger you during arguments, yelling, or fighting. Or from signs that they might be cheating, or that your marriage is falling apart. Do you see how these convince your mind that your security and ultimately your life is in danger? Fear, and the desire to not be afraid lead to anger.

Your body controlled mind may not make a distinction between leaving the seat up for the 1000th time, an argument, and being in real physical danger. But you as a consciousness can. It is your job to control your anger. Even if he’s a jerk, behaving irresponsibly, or “deserves it.”

Spouses are the one person we chose to love and cherish. Yet they also tend to be the most common targets for our anger and lashing out. Ironic, isn’t it? In this context, uncontrolled, reactive behavior should be embarrassing. You didn’t know before, but now, hopefully, you’ll be able to start improving.

How To Eliminate Anger

Now that you understand where the anger comes from, and how our minds are controlled by the body’s drive to survive, you have the conceptual understanding needed to start taking back control of your mind.

We have consciously chosen to participate in a loving relationship with our spouse, but our bodies and instinctive-reactive-subconscious minds aren’t aware of this. When we get into arguments with our spouse,  the body perceives a threat as real as being mugged on the street. Our bodies are flooded with emotions and chemicals, and we start acting defensively; unless we consciously control our mind and stop the reactions.

The overall process to finally get a handle on anger is this:

  1. Learn to become aware of your reactions as they are happening. You cannot stop what you are not aware of.
  2. Use a reliable set of techniques and tools that you can use to stop negative reactions and feelings. Even keeping your mouth shut is a good start, but you can go further to actually stop the feelings.
  3. Establish this as a new pattern of behavior. Using the right tools over time will create a strong habit that automatically stops reactive anger before it starts.

What happens initially is that you stop saying things you shouldn’t, even if you’re raging inside. And right away your home becomes more peaceful.

Your body will always be producing the drive-to-survive messages and you may get triggered from time to time. However, you will have the tools and habits to fight and win every time. If you slip, you’ll catch yourself faster and faster.

Over time you learn to stop not only the outward reaction but also the inner emotional reaction. You develop a habit of nipping anger in the bud and it becomes so strong and kicks in so quickly that the feeling of anger never has a chance to arise in your mind.

One day you’ll realize you haven’t gotten angry in a long time.

I battled anger unsuccessfully for ten years. Yet once I began using this process, I was able to win the battle very quickly. I have conquered anger, my clients have conquered anger, and you can too.

Final Thoughts

We’ve gone over the whole process of how the mind works, what causes anger, and how to overcome it. In this three-step plan that I and my clients have used to conquer anger, I’ve given you a deeper and more useful understanding than you could get from any anger management class and made it relevant for marriage.

Obviously, there is so much more detail we teach our clients, including the specific tools and methods we use to stop the negative emotional reactions, eliminate bad habits, develop good ones, and so on. These all require so much more explanation then I can give in even a lengthy article like this. But I’ve given you a good start.

If you’d like more on this topic, and even the techniques we teach, then I suggest you look at the system I developed. The first part of my complete marriage system specifically addresses how to control anger and negative emotions. If you sign up for the free trial, you’ll be able to take a look at it at no cost.

I didn’t set it up this way just for this article. I set it up this way because all of our clients need to make sure they have a firm handle on their emotions and anger or we’ll never have a strong enough foundation upon which to build a tall skyscraper of marital happiness.

You’ll also get to see other parts of the system which walks you through my proprietary step-by-step process of rebuilding your marriage from the ground up, in only 12 weeks. We’ve been continually refining this process by working with countless couples over the last 15 years.

breaking the cycle
You can get past the anger and have a great marriage again.

Finally, if you’d like more insights on marriage beyond anger, look right below this post and get my “Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts For Marriage.” These are the key lessons we have learned through helping couples over the last 15 years.

If you just stop doing the don’ts and start doing the do’s, you’ll be well on your way to establishing a very happy marriage. It’s free and I highly recommend you download it, print it out, and post it where you’ll see it every day.

Love and blessings to you all.

Paul

Why Am I So Angry At My Husband?
Paul Friedman
Paul Friedman
Founder, The Marriage Foundation
Paul devised an entirely new approach to marriage that empowers individuals to finally understand and cultivate expanding happiness and love in their marriages.

He has written two books, produced several video educational programs, regularly speaks on marriage, and founded The Marriage Foundation as a non-profit organization.

Our mission is to end divorce by spreading Paul's revolutionary marriage system around the world. We have helped thousands of individuals and couples for nearly 20 years and in over 45 countries.

78 thoughts on “Why Am I So Angry At My Husband?

  1. RyanReply

    I just got married and we are already bickering about small stuff, and I’m not showing him much love as he needs. What do I do about this

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      What you are experiencing is common, but most people pretend everything is ok, so you get credit for recognizing it won’t just go away, and, if you do not change your thinking about marriage and your behaviors, it will get worse and worse.

      People put more time into planning weddings than marriages. Now you know why we push so hard for couples to learn enough about marriage.

      You just got married, so you can still take our premarital course, or you can take our new marriage course. It cost a less, but you get less.

      But you need to address this. We are talking about the survival of your marriage, and you can have a great marriage instead of bickering to the end.

  2. CReply

    I feel like I hate my husband. I can hardly stand being around him. We have been separated since April 2015, yet he still comes over almost every day. What can I do to help overcome the negative feelings I have toward him. I am perfectly fine until I get around him and then it is like he just drags me down. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me by his presence.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear C
      You are on the right track by recognizing it is you who has a problem. You recognize that your mind is reactive, and you need to find peace by learning how to control your mind, rather than by blaming your husbands presence or actions as the cause of your reactions, no matter what he has done.

      There are some habits, which is what your reaction is, a habit, that are more difficult to overcome than others, but every single habit, no matter how embedded, will eventually succumb to your correct efforts.

      Your first step is to understand that your mind is not your boss. It must be your servant. If you do not accept this truth than study our teachings which will show you in many ways how it is so.

      Your next step is to realize your thoughts and feelings can be either a suave or an irritant. AND, you are the one who chooses which thoughts and feelings you will entertain.

      Choose, ahead of time, what thoughts you will replace the negative feelings you have when you feel your mind triggered, and then replace them with the thoughts you chose. Intentional and persistent practice will one day find you successful and free of this terrible habit.

      • William CrowleyReply

        You’re good at pushing your books and your “system”. Tell me, do you expect it will work with my wife? She’s angry because I’m disabled and terminally ill. And I’ll throw in bonus points if you can teach me how to use my mind to stop having the disease that is going to kill me very soon.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          I wish we were better at spreading the word than you give us credit for because the world is suffering from the most basic problems caused by not knowing how much love there is in all of us and how to tap into that love.
          If everyone knew that they can control their mind and are souls, which is joy itself, we would be unneeded.
          I pray for you during your transition that you embrace God who is already embracing you.

  3. meReply

    this is why i use drugs, because my mind doesnt ease off right away, even if i try to think good thoughts the bad ones creep right back an then i cant stand being around my husband. i think he criticize me, he thinks its to help me improve.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Using drugs to ease your mind is only going to dig you deeper into trouble, because drugs reduce your will power, and in fact can even derange your mind.
      Your mind is yours to control. You are being controlled by mere thoughts.
      Much of what you would study in our program is about how to control your mind, and our books also focus on this vital skill.
      I hope you decide to shift this into a positive direction.

  4. VeryangrywifeReply

    Hi, I have been married for 23 years this July, my husband knows what buttons to push to get me angry, and loves to push them constantly! That way he can call me a miserable bitch, and it’s all me to blame. He can’t just hug me, he has to “maul” me constantly, I am a human being not a piece of meat…but you know what? Because we are married he is “entitled” to “maul, grope, play with” my body because it’s “his”…”the signed paperwork says so”. So….do I have a constant “reason” to be angry?? I think so…but again…it’s all me according to him!!!! “Can’t just go with it! Let it go! I’m not going go stop because your body is mine!” Got any advice for that one? Can’t talk to him, change him, that’s who he is, wasn’t that bad when I met him, got way worse as the years went on, and to top it off I’m his personal slave! He hollers and I jump, cause that’s my job! And to make it even worse….paranoid that I’ve got something going on because I’m done work at 4:30pm and I’m not walking in the door at 4:35pm!!! Did you know…”anyone’s wife or girlfriend that’s on Facebook or Twitter are cheating on their husbands!” Am I angry?? Damn right I am! There is NO reason to be treated like this but there’s no way out!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You and your husband are experiencing what so many experience. If he were to write in, he would trash you as much as you trash him; that is no way to be married. But it is not too late to change the direction of your lives.
      If it were possible to give you advice in a sentence or two, I would.
      You have to learn so much, to start climbing out of the hole you are in. But the good news is that the skills needed to get out of the mess, and all the back and forth abuse, are the same skills needed to have a great marriage. Try my system, or at least read one of my books, all of which are available in the menu.

    • AndrewReply

      If he treats you like that, you have the right to call the police and file a report. He’s using you to relieve his inferiority and insecurity issues, and it’s abusive.

      • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

        Dear Andrew,
        It is not a matter of rights. Nobody should subject themselves to danger.

  5. TonyReply

    I’m just wondering. What to do as a male who is experiencing some of the problems you outlined above. I have a child with a lady who I generally believe is a good mother. Unfortunately we don’t sleep together as she often kicks me out of bed because I snore. Added to this, I do most of the cooking and cleaning. Although she spends a lot of time with our son, my partner does very little for the family as a whole. She rarely, if ever, makes meals and if I come home from work there is usually never a meal made. On the other hand I constantly am making meals for the family. Added to that, my partner is often uncontactable during the day even though she doesn’t work. We have childcare which I pay for but she still seems too busy to make meals, clean or earn an income. Perhaps I sound angry and indeed I am however I’m seriously considering becoming a single Dad. I’ve told her we need counselling and also that I’m happier looking after my son without her. Perhaps you have some suggestions?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Tony
      It does not work to unravel particular situations. There are just endless outer causes, and endless judgments. The ONLY thing that will help you is to learn how to control you reactions, your internal automatic reactions. Then, you are able to dispassionately observe without angst.

      In fact our programs concentrate on teaching how to gain such control over your mind, so the right way to live and love can be practiced. Your situation is recoverable, But you must tame your anger if you are to find peace.

  6. AprilReply

    My name is April been married 30 years and have issues with my husband cheating I blame it on him but I’m not sure if that’s so please help me my marriage is in deep danger

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear April
      You are wise to reserve judgment, but it is not black and white. Of course your husband should not have cheated on you, but…and here is where it gets tricky… you need to ask yourself if he is disloyal by nature, or if he just could not find a better way to deal with a wife who was not there for him.
      Men and women are far different. You cannot get a dog consciousness to act like a cat. You married him for who he is, so to completely blame him would not help either of you.
      In fact, you need to get yourself back on track as a first order of business, then see if what you have, and what you want to do about your marriage. …We almost always promote resolving what needs resolving, and moving forward together, knowing what you are doing.But it is up to you.

  7. katReply

    We’ve been married for 14 years. Our marriage has been up and down. And to be honest mainly downs.
    His a good husband and father. He would do anything for me.
    I’m always angry with him for no apparent reason. I don’t know why I’m like this towards him. I always have something negative to say him. I don’t know if I will be happier without him. Even tho I love him. I know he deserves better than me.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Kat
      One of the first things I noticed when helping individuals was that no matter how logical, or good, or self-interested the advice I gave was there was no way a person could take it, for long. Everyone reverts back to what their habits dictate.So, I invented a technique as part of the program, which we insist is followed, or we ask people to stop, and ask for a refund….but the technique, when applied, is amazing in that any individual can re-create their habits, including their reactive habits. This will probably work for you, too. If not, and it takes effort, you may need additional temporary help.For that, we at The Marriage Foundation do not “go there” when it comes to clinical advice because, even though all our TMF certified counselors are licenced, we are strict about only counseling in regards to our teachings.
      I suggest you try the marriage help program for women….we have a different one for men.

  8. MissDepressedReply

    My partner and I are not married but we’re living together because we have two kids. Few days ago I found out he’s cheating. He sends random messages to girls on facebook asking them out or offering gifts, using an account he had for 4years that I am not aware of. I was devastated. I confronted him and he promised to never to it again. I told him to delete the account but until now he didn’t do it. I am so fed up because he annoys me with almost everything. He works as a car sales agent. Most often than not, he is not going home and sleeps in a hotel room where his boss and friends stays. I am becoming more paranoid because he can easily cheat with me. He seldom texts or call me. I don’t always know where he is, what he does or who’s with him. I hate to bug him because it is making him feel grounded. I feel so mad about my situation. I wanted to leave him but I cannot support my kids alone. All I am longing for is his time for me and the kids. He is a good provider though. But I wanted to teach him his lesson once and for all. But I don’t know exactly what to do. He knows I am hurt with all the things he’s making me feel. But he keeps on doing it. Please help me.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Miss D.
      You are married, for all intents and purposes, so I will ask you to think of yourselves that way.
      I do not want you to think I am putting all this on you, because he is not doing so well as a husband, but you have more control over the situation than you may imagine. IF you wish for your relationship to work out I suggest you “win” his love and attention. The fact is you will pull him in with sweetness, and any man will be pushed away from a woman who is offensive, no matter how he may show it; this is just the way it is….Try reading one of our books so you can get an idea of what works well, as there are too many things to recount in a brief answer, but I would not lose hope. I think if you apply yourself, this will be fine.

  9. MariaReply

    I am always angry at my husband. He used to spend all of his time with me. Now, he has so many friends who he spends time with at least once a week (on his days off). And he goes to the gym everyday after work. I resent him so much especially because he didn’t change his “lifestyle” after our 3rd child was born. He is a good provider and I know he is not cheating on me. I just don’t feel like we (me & the kids) are his priority. My husband and I have been married for 7 years.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Maria
      Please do not get mad at me, either. But your problem is one that is growing because when you get mad at him he,and anybody for that matter, would not want to be around that. Anger is as terrible for the recipient as it is for the giver. But the recipient can find all kinds of excuses to get away, while you are stuck with it.
      The good news is that your compounding problems can be resolved with simple solutions. But I will not tell you what they are in this message because you need to read one of the books…or, if you want to spend a lot of money for a faster “cure” you can get our program.
      I will also tell you that your solutions will improve things dramatically, very quickly!

  10. Happy DayReply

    I agree with this advice. The mind does need to be trained to be happy and not angry. I am going to put this advice to work and train my mind not to be angry. In fact, I’m going to train my mind to stop looking at the “right and wrong” in how anyone including my husband choses to respond to me. Maybe men ‘should know’ but maybe women can learn to let go of some of their “rights and wrongs” “do this do that” “do it my way or else” attitude. I found out that my husband could care less about a neat house, dinner on time, what the kids do or don’t do. So, I’ve learned from him how to relax a little and not be so uptight. After all I’m not living with my mother, she is not in my home dictating to me or yelling at me or demanding that I obey her. I think you get my point. We can get used to just relaxing and letting go of all the anger. I heard about the SEW technique you teach, and I am going to get your program.

  11. SarahReply

    I don’t agree with everything, but I’m pretty sure I can definitely work on changing my thinking. This gave me hope. Thank you.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      If you start using our methods and formulas you will see that they actually work…I am glad you now have hope…may I suggest you add determination, and then do what works, not what only seems right

  12. DevikaReply

    I can’t control my anger towards my husband . He is not sharing anything with me. And he comunicating with other girls and hated ones to me I felt anger in out of control

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I hear this a lot, and did when I would work with individuals. This is exactly why I came up with the SEW technique.It is easy to know that you should control your anger, everyone knows it iss best. But doing so needs a technique in most cases I have seen.

  13. AsilReply

    I have been married 35 years. I will admit to having an anger problem. I do not like my husband AND HAVE NOT FOR SOME TIME. In 08 our daughter was killed and in 2012 our family was diagnosed with the mutated Huntington’s gene. My husband, his father, two brothers, a sister and now the grandchildren are or have tested positive for this devastating condition. Our marriage was crappy before our daughters death, and I can’t believe I’m still here. My fear is that I dislike my husband because I blame him for all of this. The death of our children. The stress from this is overwhelming me and I want to run away and hide. I have no idea how he feels, he does not talk about “it”(Huntington’s), or us.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      My first response is one of deep sorrow for your loss of your daughter, your validation of Huntington’s lurking in background, and your having never learned how to deal with your anger. Life is quite a challenge for everyone, nearly every day. But when faced with extraordinary challenges, as you and your family have, it is almost too much… but you are here, and they are your challenges, so face them we will.

      Anger is a very tough problem, which I personally had to deal with. In the 90’s I was so owned by anger that at times i was on the floor, doing all I could to push it out of my head. Although I was successful (it took more than 10 years), when I began helping couples I saw that I was far from being alone. I, fortunately, have a stronger will than most. But what about those who were in the middle of tumultuous marriages,working jobs, raising children? I needed to create an effective technique that anyone could use that systematically produced the desired results. Not only for anger, which is the biggest destructive habit of all, but for all the myriad habits which keep us from enjoying the love we are all essentially endowed with. Happy to report to you that the SEW technique is part of the program we have, and is less conspicuously included in both of my books. I wish I could give it away, but I found that those who are handed the technique NEVER end up using it, even though they think they do. So its the only way to get it.

      As to your not liking your husband (which you emphasize by caps) I have to tell you that this is a choice. But your mind is not accepting of his flaws as mere appendages, and you are not consciously separating him from particular attributes. This is something most people suffer from, and we address it everywhere.

      Personally, I think that 35 years is a huge investment. You could, if you so choose, turn your marriage around by using the principles I have laid out. Truly, I pray you do that, and make it a point to find happiness by scientifically gaining control over your mind,as I teach. Happiness is a birthright. Everyone deserves it, no matter what. You do, too.

  14. SandraReply

    My husband puts everyone before me. If I suggest something, it is shot down. If someone else makes the same suggestion, they are praised. He never wants to do things with just me, always wants to invite others. I’ve become defensive and irritable.
    Feeling alone.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      In your note you express what you think are the reasons for your “irritability” and “defensiveness”, and it does make sense. What I try to get people to see is not the back and forth; because he would have complaints, too. But the way to not be affected by the offenses of the other. That way you are not caught in a cycle that just brings pain and frustration.

  15. MaryReply

    my name is Mary, i love my fiancee but i dont understand why when he makes me angry i want to device a means to delibrately make him as angry as he has made me at that moment too. i feel i cant be angry and he is happy, i want us to be angry together (and vise versa)that way he would know how it feels and not do it again. is something wrong with me?? please help me..i dont know what to make of it

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I am glad you wrote to us instead of going to a therapist. They would have you in sessions for a long time, and probably find ways to blame your fiance, too.

      The problem is that you do not realize that
      1) your mind has a “mind of its own”. They can come up with the most bizarre off the cuff ideas and feelings, that are not “us”. Getting into why you have a particular thought is unnecessary, and wastes time and energy.
      2) You need to learn how to master your mind, which is what the SEW is all about.

      Bottom line; discard those crazy thoughts, and make your mind be loving and considerate.

  16. DinaReply

    Hello, I’ve been married for three years so far. It’s been very difficult to have a good relationship with my husband. I feel alone and mad at him most of the time. I blame him all the time for not being able to make me happy.

    I have noticed that when we text the communications most the time is better than face to face. I feel frustrated because I’m waiting for him to want to do something as a couple, but it seems like we don’t know how to act when we are in the same space. We don’t have deep conversations and we don’t have any topics in common.

    If he does not touch me I don’t touch him either or talk to him. it is a very weird relationship.

    I’m a very outgoing person, but not with him. I’m just tired of being mad. I’m tired of complaining all the time, and I’m tired of not feeling happy.

    Instead of trying hard in this relationship I’m always looking for excuses to quit. Sometimes I feel that it is my problem not his, despite the fact that he is not easy and he needs to work hard too for this marriage.

    We just don’t have good communication and we almost never plan things together. I need good advice and find the solution for this problem because I dont want to feel the same always.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Its good you admit these things, and especially good you are asking about yourself.
      There is no question that your deeper expectations, the ones that count, can be met easily when you have a guide, like in either of my books. It is also probable you will have a deep connection with your husband once you start trying my suggestions. Because then you will understand anger, which in your case is appearing as frustration; great intentions, but you do not know “how”.
      I am glad you wrote, because a lot of women encounter the same challenges.

  17. DavrineReply

    Hi I’m always angry at my husband before he goes to work…there is a girl there that I don’t like him to be around and it makes me mad for him to be there… He tells me there is nothing going on and that he doesn’t conversate with her, but I feel different..

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The best way to protect your marriage, Davrine, is by having an amazing marriage. Have you considered reading one of my books? I think it will help you see things you may be missing…

  18. DominikaReply

    Ladies, (or gents) if your husband is essentially a decent man, by all means follow the advice of this site to try to get things on track. But, some people are monsters…..

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dominika makes a valid point
      However!
      It happens, and I have helped some it has happened to, that the couple draws out the most unimaginable reactions from each other, to the point that you cannot ever tell who is the “real” monster, if there is one at all. The cycle is terrible and has to be broken before you can decide to end a marriage.
      It is rare that someone married a monster in waiting, but it has happened. If your life, or the life of a child is in danger, you MUST walk away. Otherwise, you need to start by breaking the cycles that dig you both into deeper and deeper holes…

  19. AlannaReply

    But what if he does things that are so irritating…. and that’s why I’m mad. Like playing his video game and ignoring everything else…. including not even having a real conversation with me unless we are fighting.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Alanna
      Fighting is not part of a proper marriage. The first thing for you to do is set your sights higher. Get educated about what marriage is supposed to be like. Use my books, or courses, to start taking your marriage happiness more seriously. You are not a victim!

  20. MargaritaReply

    Dear Mr. Friedman,
    I have been just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety. My medicines wore out around 5 pm and thats when things got real.

    I was reading your article and it made me feel like there is a bit of hope. Because now I see I need to control things on my own. I was opposed to medicine but there was a promise that things were going to improve.

    I never had to deal with anything like what I am going to describe. It started when my husband and I got married. We had to deal with a lot during the 4 years we have been married, and on top of that I have a couple of things that happened to me that marked me like facing death.

    Overall, there is no doubt we love each other. However, I have always found excuses for my behavior. It started since we got married. I never understood that I have an irrational way to deal with my emotions; especially anger, stress, anxiety and sadness. All I do is yell and overreact.

    Even though, I know my marriage is in extreme danger, I do not know what to tell myself or my brain to achieve improvements. I do not know how to cope, and I cannot expose my husband to such an environment. I understand his reasons from giving up yet I know that even with him out I need help. I would like to try one of your courses if you could advise which one could be better to start. Thanks in advance

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You are not alone. Your marriage is not unique, and yes, we can help you.
      I’m glad you are taking the medications. And I am glad you see them as a necessary, perhaps permanent, or temporary crutch. The physical brain can sometimes use the modern medical approach, while combining self-strengthening methods.

      Our woman’s course is PERFECT for you, and in fact the fist section hits the nail right on the head. I have a lot of confidence you will find the help you need, and urge you to stay in contact with our counselors once you sign up (access is part of the course).

      Thank you for writing in

  21. TeriReply

    I’m married about a Year now and all I’ve Experienced is Drama, if it’s not coming from his mother it’s from Friends and Family
    Nd he always seems to Blame me!
    his moved to his parents thrice Already and came back Home a Few days ago!
    I found out his been massaging ex’s and People outside of our Relationship and Since I’ve been So Angry and Aggressive towards him knowing that my Daughter and I don’t need him.
    his extremely stubborn and shows no remorse for his actions and I constantly feel like I’m Being Disrespected and Disregarded in all aspects of our Relationship!! I’m actually so Hurt by Everything that’s been Going on and I feel like his to blame!! my Daughter is amazing, and I do sometimes wonder how much better my life would have been if she hadn’t attached me to him and We didn’t get Married!! but I feel like there’s so much Building up inside of me that I’m starting to take it out on him

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      There are steps to getting out of the hole you are in, and the first step is gaining control over your mind. It is impossible to make a decision, or progress in any way while your mind is so upset.
      The course is the best solution for you.
      The very first section is a how-to for gaining control over your mind, which will have the secondary affect of calming him down.
      Then, you can write to our counselors; which comes with the course.
      Stay in touch after you get started. I’m sure you will find the help you need.

  22. Penny HoganReply

    Although your writing was thorough and seemed In depth, I found it rather pratronising and it actually made me feel angry towards you because I felt you were judgemental and based your findings on generalisations.

    I have been looking at ways to control my spurts of anger which I have with my husband of 24 years, and I thought your points about famialarity in marriage raised some areas in my relationship which I can work on to help towards a healthy marriage.

    However the sections where you express your opinion of ‘I’m sorry but that’s just not right’ sounded rather egotistical as it if you alone had the answer and everyone else’s opinion was incorrect. As a therapist I would have thought you would be less eager to promote this type of communication as it seems to leave little room for anyone to express their own opinion without seemingly challenging yours.

    Perhaps as a suggestion for the future communication and writing, look at ways to use language which promotes forgiveness for others reactions to anger and avoid superior judgemental dialogue which takes away a individuals right to progress and learn about themselves and their issues at their own pace based on what they believe not you feel they ‘should’

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Maybe you are right with your criticism and I’ll go back into the article to see what you saw. The last thing I want to do is push people away who came for help. Thank you.

      Now, the ideas about over-familiarity are valuable, but not the most important for dealing with anger. The most important is the SEW technique (which ties to to my discoveries about how the mind works), which I discovered in 2003. I too had anger problems. In the early 90’s I had enough. I began to determinedly work on my anger, but was not successful until I began to use the SEW. Then, finally, I had a solid footing that helped me nearly wipe it out. Those who know me recognize me as one who rarely gets angry, almost never hurts another with the anger that does slip in from time to time (maybe once or twice a year). I only wish I knew what I teach when I was a kid growing up. But now that I know, I just want to share it, and help others… By the way, I’m not a therapist. I have trained them, and taught them, but I’m not a supporter of psychologists when it comes to marriage help.

  23. AmberReply

    Hello,
    What are your thoughts about only one person in a couple doing this work. In other words, I am not interested in trying to convince another to read a book, take a course, try a technique…etc. Is it necessary for both people to “get on the same page” and do these techniques together?

    I have seen couples try to “fix their marriage” and it seems to create a new layer of resentment…one is more committed than the other or one isn’t reading the book, for example. I hate how couples lock together in a silly battle, as if they are no longer separate individuals.

    I have been a very independent type all my life so whenever I have negative thoughts about my partner I just think “get out” and be alone again. My partner is actually very open to looking at his own behavior and he’s a loyal and good mate. Nobody is perfect but I just get so damned irritated by him and often have a short temper with him. In my moments of clarity I sometimes can’t even recall why I got so angry!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Amber
      It is incredible how clear you are about something that I didn’t get right away, that marriage is about 2 individuals who are married together. The whole idea of love and togetherness is mostly misunderstood. But, when you take responsibility only for your own behaviors, of thoughts, speech and actions, and they are deliberately loaded with love, your marriage will succeed beyond any expectations.
      Once I saw this interesting reality I was rarely unsuccessful with my clients, and then we oriented the entire courses program around this idea, and have had one success after another.
      You are right on the money! No need to bother your spouse with your personal path. Learn to love them unconditionally, and that is what we teach, and you will have the best marriage ever.

  24. kyla kariukiReply

    M y name is Kyla. I have been married for five years now……. my hubby once told me my butt looks old: that it has dimples as he quoted that as a joke….. i was torn apart completely. I give this man the best….. I perform my marital duties completely to a point he recommends me and i like it. Though i keep remembering what he told about my butt and i cant help it. My butt drives him crazy…… and i don’t know what crossed his mind to make him say such crap to me…… I no longer enjoy sex…with him anymore….. am always torn apart when having sex with him…. I can’t afford cheating on him….. Am looking forward to join the gym….. What should i do?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The basis of your marriage has become too focused on little things, like a few careless words. I think you need to shoot higher, not worry so much about sexual pleasures, and put your attention more on heart centered aspects of your lives together,like talking about how much you love him. His focus will change when your’s does.

  25. DavonaReply

    Hi. My husband and i have been married for almost 2 years and we had our 1st child 09-22-2018. He is a wonderful father and a wonderful husband. Of course we don’t get much time with each other (just the two of us) as we used to. I understand the sacrifices we make for having little ones , But I feel so resentful toward him. I get angry and lash out at the most littlest things. It’s almost everyday that we go through these episodes with me getting upset. I’m aware of it but it’s hard for me to control my words and feelings. This may be all on a deeper level than i am thinking but he hasn’t done anything to me but LOVE ME. What is wrong with me??

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Hi Davona
      The problem of uncontrollable anger is very common because when we are kids, and when they talk about it on talk shows (where it seems these bad ideas get rolling) we hear about venting, and expressing your feelings, as if it is the right thing to do. So people get in the habit of doing so.
      I too had an anger problem, and it was tough to control. It was not until I began helping married individuals that I really cracked the code. But the problem is the solution takes more than I wish it would. In fact, the anger problem is part of a bigger problem, that we were not trained to train our minds.
      The books I wrote go into the problem in the chapter on the mind, but the instructions there are not going to work for you because your’s is so deeply rooted. You will need the course… I’m sorry about that, because of the expense. But I just don’t know another way to solve this.
      The good news is it will work- 100% certain!

  26. ariReply

    Thank you for this article. I am currently going through CBT for past trauma, and now I feel I have confirmation that my anger against my husband is due to triggers and habits. I see that I just need to apply the rethinking/rewiring techniques in CBT to make new habits. The issue is I’m worried I will damage our marriage beyond repair. He is wonderful, but I still get so angry at him. So anyway, thank you for giving me hope that I can change this habit of anger. If it’s a trigger, I can work on that.

    I also wanted to say though, I worry about the advice that it’s always the angry person’s fault. I was in an abusive relationship 10 years ago and I was angry at him, (though more so terrified, and for good reason.) That was not my fault. If any man or woman is abusing their partner (verbally, physically, or sexually), I believe it is terrible advice to tell the partner it is their fault if they feel anger toward their abusive spouse and that they should work it out. No one deserves that, and it’s hard enough to be free of the manipulative abuser without someone on the outside putting blame on the abused. Just wanted to add that note in case someone in an abusive situation read this and used it to validate their abusers behavior; I know how easy it can be to do that.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      CBT is a horse and buggy method compared to my discoveries of methods I put in the “anatomy of a fight” section of our course, and the SEW technique. I promise you, if you get the course you will have near immediate relief, plus you will set yourself up for one success after another. You will find true happiness.

      • DeeReply

        Thanks so much for this post.
        I’ve been married now just 4 years. My husband and I are soo different and this article has challenged me to understand my frustrations and respect his perspective in matters. I CAN control my anger. Thank you.

  27. "L"Reply

    Hello
    I have been married almost 11 years now and I swear I have been mad at my husband for two the same 2 reasons all those years. He did not grow up with affection being demonstrated in the house hold, I did. I expected to have that but that is not what happened. I am furious with him that he won’t listen when I tell him how much affection is important to me. I have yelled it I have cried it, I have calmly said it. Done research, talked to church leaders with him, prayed about it and it all comes down to he doesn’t think I truly need intimacy regularly. I now get so anxie when I suggest it that when he ultimately says “nah” I either cry or yell or simply leave and hate him more. He is not cheating, he is a good man, works so hard, keeps his job, buys me things, and wants me happy but he won’t budge with sex. My bitterness and anger shoot out over litte things and I lose it. We have no kids, but we do have a step son from his previous marriage of less than a year long whom I love greatly but does not live with us. I struggle because my anger is solvable to me. I am very vocal nor am I shy but this is killing me and causing me to hate him for it. I feel there is nothing for me but divorce or just dealing. I don’t want to be angry, I love him and I need him but I am making us miserable by how I react.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear L
      This is not as tough as it may look to you, but you will need to do some shifting in your thinking and perspective.
      The first thing is to recognize you are working against your own interests by being angry. Sexual intimacy in marriage should be based in love; the act is a delivery system of the deepest kind when understood and properly utilized. Anger, which is a choice, closes the heart. So, how can a man want to have sex with his wife who is angry, when he wants and needs love?
      This is probably too complex to cover here in more depth, so I have to point you to one of my books. I think it will be enough for you. If not, if your anger is so chronic that the guidance in the book is not enough, you will get what you need from the course… but my sense is you will be fine from reading either of my books.
      So, trust me when I tell you. Everything will be fine. With the knowledge you will gain you will have a clear path.

  28. MalReply

    My husband and I have been married for three years, together for 5. He truly is amazing… amazing to me and our kids. However it bugs me so much and aggravates me to no end! I will be happy all day and then as soon as he’s home a switch turns! It’s so frustrating because I can’t even pin point why! He tries to be affectionate or want to be intimate but I cringe at the thought :( please help. I do love him but can’t shake this feeling when he’s around and don’t even want to kiss him… even when he tells me he loves me I shut down.. help! We can’t do this anymore I feel so bad :(

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear One,
      I don’t beleive in unravling “why” because the mind is ours, its a tool, and we are meant to control it…but it is not so easy.
      In the early 90’s I decided to give up anger. Sounds simple enough, but after 10 years I only made a lttle headway, and I tried everything I could get hold of. It was not until I created the SEW for my clients, and used it myself, that I could finally banish it.
      But the SEW alone is not enough. Without a working understanding of the mind the SEW is only a tenth effective.
      In my books I describe everything you need in chapter 13, the longest chapter, so its possible to devise your own strategy. But if you want to really be victorious than the course we offer is the best way to go because I use scientific methods to pound in what you need to win. Its much faster and seems to stick better.
      So, that’s it. I wish ot were easier; we would all be saints if it were.

  29. LeanneReply

    My husband and I have been together for 14 years. We have had our ups and downs. We try to talk about everything. One thing I learned from my last marriage was communication is key. But now my husband tells me he feels like I am taking my frustration out on him instead of directing at the people causing it. That I walk on eggshells around my family yet take things out on him. I feel I may be holding in too much. He is always telling me I’m grumpy even when I don’t think I am. I’m kinda at a loss. I’m trying to deal with my business, my daughter’s upcoming wedding, a family member who is very sick (and may be dying) and trying to keep a household. And I feel there is more.
    All of which are frustrating me immensely. My husband doesn’t deserve to be my “catch all”. I’m just not sure how to fix this. I love him very much. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. We are good together. I want us to get back to those times. I want us to be happy!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      How wise is your comment My husband doesn’t deserve to be my “catch-all”.
      So true!

      The actual problem you are having is that you are not able to control the mind or its “outputs”.
      Let’s get rid of that problem and all the others too. Let’s get you using the program that literally begins with what will specifically make you master of your mind, and then goes on to help you live a joy-filled marriage.

      Watch this video, then sign up for the course for women. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdJ6a_6_FSU

  30. MReply

    I have had trouble managing my emotions – mostly anger – since I was a small child. I’m now 30 and was married less than 2 months ago, and I’m already feeling this fear gnawing at me that this isn’t going to work. I keep getting angry at him – now I see for sure that the reasons are thwarted desires, for example this morning he did not act in the loving way that I wanted/needed while I am sick on vacation and he left for a day trip with his friends. 12 hours later and I’m still so angry about it. I feel frozen in this angry and mean state of mind, and I don’t know how to snap out of it. I don’t understand how to intentionally change my reactions. He says I go from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat. I know I need help, but I also feel helpless and wish I could run away. How do o communicate my feelings in a loving and productive way, not an angry and mean way?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear M
      I’m the founder and creator of all the teachings we have and I, too, had trouble with anger, but not anymore. In the 90’s I decided enough was enough but was not able to conquer it, no matter what I tried. Then in 2001, I devised a technique for an individual who had the same problem and it worked. I self-applied it and within a very short time, weeks, I was in control. That technique is called SEW. It took some time to make it what it is today but is in the first portion of the courses we offer in the foundation.

      Take the course! It will work for you, period…. and all blessings to you and your husband.

  31. No nameReply

    My husband of 14 years has always had a short fuse. He grew up with a critical controlling mother and a domineering father figure. He tries to be a good man. He’s made great strides over the years to improve himself. One area that vacillates off and on is his impatience and negativity leading to angry outbursts and criticisms. He can become very impatient if I do not answer a text fast enough or answer the phone, or dropping something off at the house from a store run he made and I or the kids didn’t come help fast enough, driving with him can be awful. He gets so angry and impatient he lays on the horn and curses and complains about the people that anger him. I’m stuck in the car with him listening to him. His anger feels like bile coming up in my mouth and I get anxious and angry. I try not to respond, but usually some kind of request for him to stop causes him to lash out at me with, “Don’t talk to my like a child.” Or “Don’t tell me how to talk.” It can derail me for a long time. I notice I’m pulling further and further away from him. Talking to him doesn’t seem to stop this behavior. How can I respond? How can a spouse deal with an angry spouse? Do your resources help people like me?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Anger is my personal pet project. I too had an impossible time overcoming my own back before I began helping marriages. My anger was no joke. I had less of a short fuse but the intensity was unbearable. I tried everything I could find, for ten years! and still could not conquer it.

      It was not until I had a client who needed help conquering their habits that I finally addressed anger, which is a habit, logically and dispassionately. I came up with the SEW technique and later I adopted a training that gave control back to us, the owners of the mind. Its all in the courses. It is amazingly simple and effective. What I had worked on for ten years and made almost no headway I was able to overcome anger completely, making huge progress right away.

  32. PelokaziReply

    My husband cheating on me more than once in the past few years and I have always forgiven him and he is lazy more than a tortoise does not wash nor clean his mouth sexually I used to be the only giving he only accept to make matters worse now he is addicted to pornography and always fishing for younger teens on social media… Do I have a reason to be angry? Because now whenever he touches me it feels like my body has been violeted

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I have tried to explain that anger is a personal issue, and although stimulated by outer events it is wholly controllable. So, your complaints about your husband raise the real issue that your marriage is far from the happiness producer you want. I think you would be better off learning about marriage, as a whole, rather than focus on anger.

  33. FeliceReply

    Paul,
    Thank you for your sharing. I have been in severe anger problem for the last 3 years since I got married. There are lots of problems in our marriage: financial, abusive relationship with my mother, my husband’s annoying behavior (like bullying, complaining), my husband’s hatred about my mother’s behaviors etc. I have found myself like totally broken down into pieces and I can only express myself through anger.

    After reading your message, I have found hope. I really want to deal with my anger problems and become a better person and have a better relationship with my husband.

    My situation may be even more complicated (due to my husband’s past, but he refuses to seek help from any professions). I feel I don’t know whether the marriage can last even when I solve my anger problem. I’d be grateful if you would provide some suggestions. Thank you.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Felice,
      It is truly amazing how anger can ruin our lives. I can totally relate to your struggle and I hope you can trust me that if you follow what I learned and now share you will see light again. Have no fear!
      Now, if you can use the info in the books that would be great because it is cheaper. But not many can, so you may need the course. But it is worth it!
      Let me know how it goes.

  34. TReply

    What do you suggest 9 year marriage to my wife who just left me because she has depression and ADHD and doesn’t know how to handle any level of conflict. I know I can be stubborn and angry when pushed. But I am beyond angry with her for letting my son and I go? I feel so such anger I have moments of peace but most of the time it’s anger towards her for leaving. She didn’t give us time to work out the issues. She wanted a quick fix. I just would not do what she did. I’m trying to move forward and remove her from my heart to co parent only,

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The length of the marriage is irrelevant. The fact that you did not address your marriages inner dynamics, and sought to fix some outer problems is still the culprit.
      In marriage, there is the relationship between you two, the responsibility to behave in thought speech and action in a marriage conducive way and there is the vision that should dictate your every thought.

      You have to start with yourself. At this point, because you are separated, you are in an emergency and need the course I created for The Marriage Foundation. Look into it! I know of no other possibility for rescuing your marriage. Share it with your wife, too https://youtu.be/WdJ6a_6_FSU

  35. LillyReply

    I do not agree that society teaches us to blame our anger on others. Having raised several children I know that “others” can anger us from birth. Even a small baby can be angry if you take their toy (or whatever) and they know just who to direct their anger toward.

    I am here because my adult daughter said she is angry during sex because she has seen a correlation between her husband’s stress and his desire for sex. So she feels used by him during sex. She can tell that he’s not expressing love, not interested in her pleasure or feelings, he’s just there to get his rocks off. When she discussed it with him he denied it. She took a different tack and discussed it again and he admitted it. He also said she was over sensitive and ridiculous to not realize that after the honeymoon all sex is just getting your rocks off while you envision a younger, better looking, wanton woman in your head. Frankly, as an older, experienced woman I’ve heard this story from women a LOT.

    So, if these women shouldn’t feel angry, what should they feel? That this is the way the male mind works and accept it?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Lilly,
      My premise is accurate, but I think you are in over your head trying to help your daughter. In fact, your daughter’s observation about your husband’s sexual desire and his stress levels are pretty darn good, but… irrelevant.

      Sex in a healthy marriage has to be seen very differently than sex in a “normal” marriage. And in order to do so, one must determine what a healthy marriage is. In our society and what is promoted by psychologists, sexual appetite and frequency are highly weighted components of a “healthy” marriage. I do NOT agree with that at all.

      My philosophy is that marriage is an individual spiritual path that two people take together, but individually. In other words, unconditional love is the foundation of a healthy marriage as well as the goal, vision, and criteria. If you are striving for unconditional love in all your actions you will be happy. This is the fundamental premise I build all of my marriage help upon and it has been successful for decades. I think others will eventually follow this common-sense approach, but the world has some more shifting to do.

      Back to anger. Anger has a formula. Anger comes when one’s desire is thwarted and they do not have the education to recognize it is born in the drive-to-survive and thus stop it in its earliest stage.

      What “should” your daughter feel instead of anger?
      Your daughter is a victim of her mind. She is not in control over it, as she should be. What she should feel during sex is obviously love, and blaming her husband for her anger is immature.

      It is also my philosophy that marriage is a sacred space for only two people, not mothers, or friends, or therapists. Your daughter would do well, much better if you gifted her one of my books. She needs to learn about marriage, how her mind works, how her husband’s mind works, and focus on the reason for marriage; happiness through love…that’s my opinion.

  36. DeeReply

    Hi I’ve been married for 5 & 1/2 yrs now and I’m so mean to my husband. When we met we got married within a year but during that time I never saw things or smelled things that I do now and it’s mostly hygiene problems and for a few years I would tell him nicely about them but 5 and a half yes later I’m sick and tired of pointing them out to him over and over and over the same things and now I’m so stressed and angry and so mean to him about those issues that I’ve even gone as far as to move to another bedroom on the other side of the house so I can’t hear or smell him anymore. Now when I see him I only feel hatred towards him and it shows. How can I fix this one?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      My first thought is that your husband is effectively hiding behind his bad hygiene and using it to keep his distance… what you do about this should be to work on your end of the marriage; how you relate to him, how you speak with him, how you express love to him. I would think if you shared with him that maybe it is your fault, just to get him to speak openly, you would have some clues. But don’t get defensive or rebellious. Just listen and consider. Then, it is up to you to reach out. It is up to you to analyze how you are as a wife.

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