Why Am I So Angry At My Husband?

Sharon's Testimonial
I Can’t Stop Being Angry

Dear TMF,

I can’t stop myself from being mad at my husband, and it’s ruining our marriage. I know I’m not supposed to look at his flaws all the time, but I do. I just seem to be angry at him all the time, even though he is a great husband and father. Do I need therapy? Is our marriage over?

I have to admit, I’m afraid I’m ruining our marriage. Our baby shouldn’t have to suffer from divorce just because I can’t shake this. I’m writing to you because I saw one of your videos on youtube and I hope you can help me.

Thank you,

[Shan was answered privately by a counselor. It’s free to ask your questions here. —Ed]

Can Anger At Your Spouse Be Overcome?

Anger is one of the most common problems in a marriage, so don’t be ashamed of it. People afflicted by anger know very well how it steals every ounce of happiness, making the goal of marital harmony may feel completely out of reach. But once anger is conquered, you’ll be overjoyed by all the love that comes rushing back into your marriage.

Anger is a VERY solvable problem when you have a clear understanding of what causes it, and a specific process to fix it, and by that, I don’t mean “managing” it because that is not a good direction to take. Being constantly angry at your spouse can absolutely be resolved. But not by trying to fix what appears to be the “problem”, or today’s “reason” why you are angry. You must address the underlying causes in your mind.

Any and all reasons (excuses) for anger, from childhood “training” to attacks, to horrible outer conditions, do not matter once you realize you have the power of free will and learn how to use it.

It’s a shame we don’t learn about how the mind works in school while growing up, as we would have been able to avoid so many negative interactions with others; especially our spouses.

Here at TMF, we’ve found that learning how the mind works and eliminating anger is so critically important for saving marriages that mastering anger, emotions, and especially anger are among the first concepts we teach our clients. Because of this, our approach has proven to be far more effective than traditional marriage help.

No one has to live with anger. It can be conquered!

As one learns why your mind gets angry, and starts seeing for yourself how it works (the mind is not as complicated as they would have you believe), you’ll be able to start making progress.

Although most people can ‘get by’ living with their anger, most people eventually reach a point where the anger episodes get so bad they finally recognize how it affects their lives, their marriages, and their basic peace and happiness. At that point, something has to be done otherwise the marriage is doomed to failure.

Fortunately, anger is one of the problems that can easily be traced to its root cause and overcome.

My Own Past With Anger

Long before I became a marriage healer, I personally suffered from anger and eventually reached a point of realization. I knew that something had to be done.

I had always been prone to anger, but I never saw it as a problem. I always had a reason to justify it whether it was to blame someone or something I. like almost everyone else never thought I had a “problem”. It wasn’t until the ’90s, I started recognizing the negative impact it had on my family, friends, and business associates that I finally decided to do something about it.

Unfortunately, the psychological tools available at the time were pretty meager and insufficient. Even now I get angry comments from psychologists (which I remove- who needs them) who condone anger as being “natural” and emotions being something we should all embrace. You yourself experience anger and emotions, though they are natural, are just as toxic and destructive as strychnine.

With a determined effort, and many “final” vows to stop being angry, I was able to make some progress, but not nearly enough considering the effort I put in. It took everything I could muster to just begin to control my outer reactions but my inner anger was burning a hole in my heart. I even got headaches from the (wrong) effort.

After working on it for over 10 years, I still hadn’t made any real progress. The only thing I learned to do was to become somewhat aware of my reactions but not always and I was still not in control. Sometimes I could stuff my anger, or redirect it when I was in a situation that demanded it. But I never actually conquered it. Ironically, my wife and kids got the brunt of it.

When I began saving marriages, I started observing anger more objectively, traced its origins, learned what fed it, and devised a way to eliminate it, entirely.

Everything came into real focus when I learned about the relationship between the body, mind, and soul. This is the real key to understanding the cause of anger and how it impacts marriage (also how to have an incredible marriage).

Through helping my clients, I created a clear, foolproof process to conquer anger, to eliminate it. I now teach this process as part of my larger step-by-step marriage-saving system. It has done wonders for me and my clients, allowing us to master anger, and simultaneously become immune to the anger of others. As you can imagine, that was a very pleasant and unexpected surprise for me!

In this article, I’m going to share my discoveries with you, so you can see for yourself how anger works and what you can do about it.

What Triggers Anger

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Contrary to popular belief, anger is NOT caused by outer circumstances like life events or what people say or do. Not even if someone is intentionally offensive toward us. Even though what happens on the outside gives us good excuses for the anger it is just not the truth.

One of the reasons I chose to write about this email is because I like how Shan noticed this important detail herself. She realized the anger she feels isn’t based at all on her husband’s behavior. That is a hugely important detail.

Society teaches us to blame our anger on others. We are taught to justify our anger based on outer conditions such as “he started it” or “she was rude.” They even speak about “justifiable” anger but when you recognize anger is always self-destructive that hardly makes any sense.

Some anger management experts suggest the solution is to avoid anything that will trigger your anger. But ultimately, that’s not practical. It’s like staying inside just in case the weather turns bad, instead of simply dressing appropriately.

Blaming anger on outer conditions not only doesn’t help it makes the situation worse by distracting us from the real problem and steers us away from its solution.

Outer conditions trigger switches in the mind, but they are not the cause of the anger. This distinction is very important. To resolve anger, we must understand it and how it is caused.

The Root Cause Of Anger

Anger has a basic formula that is as sure as gravity. This won’t explain everything, but it does establish a clear premise upon which to build your understanding.

The formula can be expressed as, “Anger is the primal reaction to thwarted desires.”

Said another way, anger is the mind’s reaction to not getting its way. I hate putting it that way because it makes an angry person seem like a spoiled brat, which is as far from the truth as can be. Yet, the formula is accurate, though it may not be clear at first.

It seems reasonable and logical to blame anger on the person who “caused it” because we are rightly taught that we live in a “cause and effect” world, but with a little analysis, we can see the anger is actually triggered by them behaving in a way different from how we wanted and expected them to behave; a thwarted desire.

Look how angry people get about stupid politics! This occurs because politicians are not doing what we want them to do. Thwarted desires.

Some people even use anger as a weapon, threatening to get upset, cry, or scream if they don’t get their way. Thwarted desires.

People even get mad at God or life itself, when they or a family member falls ill.

Though all of these outer “causes” seem like reasonable justifications for getting angry, ultimately it is the person who gets angry who is the real victim. They are the only one who feels the anger and loses their happiness by suffering its negative effects. They are the only ones who selected the conditions that would trigger their anger. They are the only one who even has the power to get angry or to stop it.

The construction of the human mind itself creates the conditions in which anger can exist; specifically, the following three functions of the subconscious mind:

  1. Instincts – which are imminently reactive.
  2. Habits – which are autopilots, to save time and effort. Habits are applied “regular thinking”.
  3. Memories – which store past “useful” information, whether correct or not.

Shan could clearly see that feeling angry all the time was illogical and ruining her marriage, but she didn’t have the anger formula or an understanding of how habits, memories, and instincts played a role in undermining her happiness. Without this knowledge, she couldn’t figure out what the heck was going on. She thought there might even be something wrong with her that might require therapy. Fortunately, this was not the case. And, although I love therapists as much as anyone a time will come when their methods and ideas will seem as primitive as bloodletting is now considered by modern medical practitioners.

Shan showed great maturity and expressed deep insight by understanding it was not her husband’s fault that she fell to anger. A deeper explanation of anger will help you also extricate yourself from the seemingly inescapable dilemma: ‘If he acts like a jerk, how is it not his fault if I’m angry?’ I will elaborate more on this later.

How Our Biology ‘Creates’ Anger

Understanding how the body and mind interact to ultimately create anger is the key to resolving anger issues.

Many of our traits have their origins in our biological bodies. These psychophysiological traits are incredibly tenacious but not impossible to overcome when you have the right tools and you know how to use them.

Some biologically based traits are wonderful and bring us happiness. For instance, the nurturing trait we primarily see manifested in women who care for their children with such tenderness it brings tears to your eyes. Most women have this trait, while most men mostly don’t, as you know because of the gender component. This is in part because a woman’s body, designed for childbearing and mothering, releases hormones that affect her mind to behave in a certain way. Men are biologically designed to be protectors of their wives and children.

Men, who do not produce female biological hormones tend to be more indifferent to the needs of others. This isn’t a judgment. That’s just the way it is.

This is just one of many examples that illustrate how our biology controls our minds right under our noses without us realizing that it’s happening.

There is an underlying motivating force that controls much of our behavior which is universally built into our biology. And that doesn’t just mean men and women; it’s in ALL living things. You must be aware of this trait if you want to avoid common pitfalls in your marriage, too.

The number one biologically driven trait is the drive to survive. It is as present in a blade of grass as it is in a single-celled amoeba or a human being. Our bodies are a collective of trillions of individual cells, all striving to survive.

The body comes with all sorts of needs for food, shelter, and so on, which all exist for one reason only: to satisfy the drive to survive. If it was left to the mind alone to remember it needed food and other essentials, it would likely forget to feed the body. But the mind is reminded by a signal from the body when it is chemically short on some sustenance. That signal is an instinct.

Instincts can be overcome, such as seen by the anchorites who wander in the Himalayan snows with just the barest coverings or none at all. If they can learn how to ignore the instinct to stay warm you can overcome the instinct that pushes you to react with anger. That, in fact, is where I got the ideas for my solutions.

The mind, in its effort to serve the needs of the body more efficiently, stores information that it knows the body is going to trigger, in the form of, have you guessed it? Memories and Habits!

Our memories are filled with information from past experiences so the mind “knows” when to react to certain opportunities or threats.

There are two expressions of the drive to survive. One is for opportunities, like food, sex (for propagation), shelter, etc., and the other is for threats. Protecting the body is the most crucial job of the untrained mind. The body rules the mind, and thus you, by scaring it all the time, making it think that your life will end if something does or doesn’t happen…if you do not get your way, is how it ties back,

If your boss doesn’t smile at you, your mind may put its own version of events together and think you’re going to lose your job, your security will be at stake, and your life is on the line. Scared? That’s when anger is used.

If your husband doesn’t smile at you, your mind may create its own story and decide he is cheating on you, your marriage will fail, your friends and family will shun you, and you guessed it, your life is in danger. Anger!

The subconscious calculations are endless, the threats are endless, the fear is always right around the corner, and the mind reacts to fear with… ANGER!

Anger is an instinctive response to fear, real or imagined but the mind can be trained.

The problem, as you can see is that your mind has a mind of its own until you begin to master it. Until you take charge of its natural functions it doesn’t calculate on YOUR real behalf, only on behalf of the fear using calculations that are stored but do not apply…habits.

The Relationship Of Body, Mind, and Soul

I have been referring to “the mind” this whole time as if it is a separate entity because it is. You are not the mind. You are essentially a soul (or a consciousness if you prefer) who possesses a mind and a biological body that would be considered animal if not run by you, a human being. Yes, it is part of you but it isn’t you just like your body is part of you but not you.

The body is independently driven to survive and is filled with instincts. It makes constant demands on the mind for food, water, shelter, bathrooms, procreation, comfort, and safety. Unlike animals that cannot control their minds and are therefore entirely driven by instinct and memory-induced reactions, human beings are intended to control their mind and include morality and love in their decisions about how to respond, not react, to their outer conditions.

Though not entirely true you can say that the mind is a calculator that responds to and manages the body, stores memories, and performs habitual actions (and reactions) but it’s not the way for humans. The problems that come from not proactively mastering the mind are endless.

If you, as a conscious being, do not control your mind, reactions, and behavior, then the body will control you. It has been running the show for a long time.

You will have a body until the day you die, and its traits and motivations will always be present. Learning about the mind allows us to objectively recognize what is happening and do something about it before we get caught up in anger or other negative emotions.

What About ‘His’ Bad Behavior?

First, remember that none of us were told by anyone that we can and must master our minds. The closest anyone came to that was “control yourself” when we misbehaved as children. So, it is best to not judge ourselves or others but start moving in the right direction now.

Your spouse probably had done many unacceptable things that need to be addressed but by himself. However, your anger is the biggest issue for you to address or you would not be searching this topic. Will you make better decisions for yourselves and your family when communicating with your spouse when seething with anger? Or will you make better decisions when you are calm, loving, and drawing upon your innate wisdom?

There are things your spouse might do that trigger your mind, such as leaving the towels on the floor, the seat up, or the toothpaste cap off. Or maybe not communicating enough, or too much, or lying, or being too “honest”. Do you see how the anger gets triggered in your own mind? Your triggers might even ‘adjust’ based on some subjective criteria or desires that you don’t even know you have and don’t want.

Your spouse triggers your inner defense triggers during arguments, yelling, or fighting. Or from indications that they might be cheating (signs your husband is cheating should be seen as a wake-up call for you to change yourself. Challenging your husband will make matters worse because that will force him to fight or flight), or that your marriage is falling apart. Do you see how these convince your mind that your security and ultimately your life is in danger? Fear, and the desire to not be afraid lead to anger.

A real big problem is that because the triggers are mechanical in nature our mind may not make a distinction between leaving the seat up for the 1000th time, an argument, and being in real physical danger. But you as a consciousness can. It is your job to control your anger. Even if he’s a jerk, behaving irresponsibly, or “deserves it.”

Spouses are the one person we chose to love and cherish. Yet they also tend to be the most common targets for our anger and lashing out because our minds weigh the risks of everything subconsciously and your spouse will put up with a lot. Ironic, isn’t it? They are the one you chose for love. In this context, uncontrolled, reactive behavior should be embarrassing. You didn’t know before, but now, hopefully, you’ll be able to start improving.

How To Eliminate Anger

Now that you understand where the anger comes from, and how our minds are controlled by the body’s drive to survive, you have the conceptual understanding needed to start taking back control of your mind.

We have consciously chosen to participate in an unconditional love relationship with our spouse, but our bodies and instinctive-reactive-subconscious minds don’t include that decision in their calculations. When we get into arguments with our spouse,  the body perceives a threat as real as being mugged on the street. Our bodies are flooded with emotions and chemicals, and we start acting defensively; unless we consciously control our mind and stop the reactions.

The overall process to finally get a handle on anger is this:

  1. Learn enough about the mind to be useful. Just as you learned enough about cars for driving.
  2. Learn to become aware of your reactions as they are happening. You cannot stop what you are not aware of.
  3. Use a reliable set of techniques and tools that you can use to stop negative reactions and feelings. Even keeping your mouth shut is a good start, but you can go further to actually stop the feelings.
  4. Establish this as a new pattern of behavior. Using the right tools over time will create a strong habit that automatically stops reactive anger before it starts. You use the habit software of the mind to your advantage.

What happens initially is that you stop saying things you shouldn’t, even if you’re raging inside. And right away your interactions become more peaceful. But this is just a start.

Your body will always be producing the drive-to-survive messages and you will still get triggered from time to time. However, you will have the tools and habits to win. You’ll slip but catch yourself faster and faster.

You learn to stop not only the outward reaction but also the inner emotional reaction which is more important. You develop a habit of nipping anger in the bud and it becomes so strong and kicks in so quickly that the feeling of anger never has a chance to arise in your mind. But that is not enough.

The goal is to retrain your instinctive reactions and change your normal thinking because all your actions spring from those. It is not only possible but doable.

One day you’ll realize you haven’t gotten angry in a long time.

I battled anger unsuccessfully for ten years using all kinds of methods from psychological to spiritual but I never learned what I needed until I realized it was up to me to connect the dots and create a system that was pointed and effective. I was motivated because of the needs of my clients who I was able to see more objectively. But, then once I began using my process, I was able to win the battle very quickly. I have conquered anger, my clients have conquered anger, and you can too. The process is methodical.

Final Thoughts

We’ve gone over the whole process of how the mind works, what causes anger, and how to overcome it. In this four-step plan that I and my clients have used to conquer anger, I’ve given you a deeper and more useful understanding than you could get from any anger management class and which is relevant for marriage.

Obviously, there is so much more detail we teach our clients, including the specific tools and methods we use to stop the negative emotional reactions, eliminate bad habits, develop good ones, and so on. These all require so much more explanation than I can give in even a lengthy article like this. But I’ve given you a good start.

If you’d like more on this topic, and even the techniques we teach, then I suggest you look at the system I developed. The first part of my complete marriage system specifically addresses how to control anger and negative emotions. If you sign up for the free trial, you’ll be able to take a look at it at no cost.

I didn’t set it up this way just for this article. I set it up this way because all of our clients need to make sure they have a firm handle on their emotions and anger or will never have a strong enough foundation upon which to build a tall skyscraper of marital happiness.

You’ll also get to see other parts of the system which walk you through my proprietary step-by-step process of rebuilding your marriage from the ground up. We’ve been continually refining this process by working with countless couples over the last 20+ years.

breaking the cycle
You can get past the anger and have a great marriage again.

Finally, if you’d like more insights on marriage beyond anger, look right below this post and get my “Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts For Marriage.” These are the key lessons we have learned through helping couples over the last 15 years.

If you just stop doing the don’ts and start doing the do’s, you’ll be well on your way to establishing a very happy marriage. It’s free and I highly recommend you download it, print it out, and post it where you’ll see it every day.

Love and blessings to you all.


Why Am I So Angry At My Husband?
Paul Friedman
Paul Friedman
Founder, The Marriage Foundation
Paul devised an entirely new approach to marriage that empowers individuals to finally understand and cultivate expanding happiness and love in their marriages.

He has written two books, produced several video educational programs, regularly speaks on marriage, and founded The Marriage Foundation as a non-profit organization.

Our mission is to end divorce by spreading Paul's revolutionary marriage system around the world. We have helped thousands of individuals and couples for nearly 20 years and in over 45 countries.

116 thoughts on “Why Am I So Angry At My Husband?

  1. Ryan Reply

    I just got married and we are already bickering about small stuff, and I’m not showing him much love as he needs. What do I do about this

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      What you are experiencing is common, but most people pretend everything is ok, so you get credit for recognizing it won’t just go away, and, if you do not change your thinking about marriage and your behaviors, it will get worse and worse.

      People put more time into planning weddings than marriages. Now you know why we push so hard for couples to learn enough about marriage.

      You just got married, so you can still take our premarital course, or you can take our new marriage course. It cost a less, but you get less.

      But you need to address this. We are talking about the survival of your marriage, and you can have a great marriage instead of bickering to the end.

  2. C Reply

    I feel like I hate my husband. I can hardly stand being around him. We have been separated since April 2015, yet he still comes over almost every day. What can I do to help overcome the negative feelings I have toward him. I am perfectly fine until I get around him and then it is like he just drags me down. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me by his presence.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear C
      You are on the right track by recognizing it is you who has a problem. You recognize that your mind is reactive, and you need to find peace by learning how to control your mind, rather than by blaming your husbands presence or actions as the cause of your reactions, no matter what he has done.

      There are some habits, which is what your reaction is, a habit, that are more difficult to overcome than others, but every single habit, no matter how embedded, will eventually succumb to your correct efforts.

      Your first step is to understand that your mind is not your boss. It must be your servant. If you do not accept this truth than study our teachings which will show you in many ways how it is so.

      Your next step is to realize your thoughts and feelings can be either a suave or an irritant. AND, you are the one who chooses which thoughts and feelings you will entertain.

      Choose, ahead of time, what thoughts you will replace the negative feelings you have when you feel your mind triggered, and then replace them with the thoughts you chose. Intentional and persistent practice will one day find you successful and free of this terrible habit.

      • William Crowley Reply

        You’re good at pushing your books and your “system”. Tell me, do you expect it will work with my wife? She’s angry because I’m disabled and terminally ill. And I’ll throw in bonus points if you can teach me how to use my mind to stop having the disease that is going to kill me very soon.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          I wish we were better at spreading the word than you give us credit for because the world is suffering from the most basic problems caused by not knowing how much love there is in all of us and how to tap into that love.
          If everyone knew that they can control their mind and are souls, which is joy itself, we would be unneeded.
          I pray for you during your transition that you embrace God who is already embracing you.

        • Pamela Reply

          I’m that wife with a Terminally ill husband. We have kids under 18 and I’m now responsible for everything and failing at it all. I’m angry because I’m stressed by all the stuff I cannot do, and all the time I cannot spend with him, and he gets mad at me when all I want is to be held gently. Maybe we’re both angry.

          • Paul Friedman Post author

            My dear Pamela, I am so sorry for you and the kids and your husband. The burden you all carry is very hard and there is no simple solution. Many years ago I worked with a woman in a similar situation and the anger was palpable. She did her best. Because of a sense of hopelessness anger is so usual. But, of course, each moment of life is a treasure that is undermined by anger and so it is worth recognizing the anger as a demon who comes into your mind in its weekend state. Try not to give in to it! Hopefully, you have a feeling for God. Now is a good time to complain to Him and at the same time ask Him for help. You have my prayers.

  3. me Reply

    this is why i use drugs, because my mind doesnt ease off right away, even if i try to think good thoughts the bad ones creep right back an then i cant stand being around my husband. i think he criticize me, he thinks its to help me improve.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Using drugs to ease your mind is only going to dig you deeper into trouble, because drugs reduce your will power, and in fact can even derange your mind.
      Your mind is yours to control. You are being controlled by mere thoughts.
      Much of what you would study in our program is about how to control your mind, and our books also focus on this vital skill.
      I hope you decide to shift this into a positive direction.

  4. Veryangrywife Reply

    Hi, I have been married for 23 years this July, my husband knows what buttons to push to get me angry, and loves to push them constantly! That way he can call me a miserable bitch, and it’s all me to blame. He can’t just hug me, he has to “maul” me constantly, I am a human being not a piece of meat…but you know what? Because we are married he is “entitled” to “maul, grope, play with” my body because it’s “his”…”the signed paperwork says so”. So….do I have a constant “reason” to be angry?? I think so…but again…it’s all me according to him!!!! “Can’t just go with it! Let it go! I’m not going go stop because your body is mine!” Got any advice for that one? Can’t talk to him, change him, that’s who he is, wasn’t that bad when I met him, got way worse as the years went on, and to top it off I’m his personal slave! He hollers and I jump, cause that’s my job! And to make it even worse….paranoid that I’ve got something going on because I’m done work at 4:30pm and I’m not walking in the door at 4:35pm!!! Did you know…”anyone’s wife or girlfriend that’s on Facebook or Twitter are cheating on their husbands!” Am I angry?? Damn right I am! There is NO reason to be treated like this but there’s no way out!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You and your husband are experiencing what so many experience. If he were to write in, he would trash you as much as you trash him; that is no way to be married. But it is not too late to change the direction of your lives.
      If it were possible to give you advice in a sentence or two, I would.
      You have to learn so much, to start climbing out of the hole you are in. But the good news is that the skills needed to get out of the mess, and all the back and forth abuse, are the same skills needed to have a great marriage. Try my system, or at least read one of my books, all of which are available in the menu.

    • Andrew Reply

      If he treats you like that, you have the right to call the police and file a report. He’s using you to relieve his inferiority and insecurity issues, and it’s abusive.

      • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

        Dear Andrew,
        It is not a matter of rights. Nobody should subject themselves to danger.

      • j Reply

        Hey Paul,
        I can’t believe the advice you gave “veryangrywoman” she’s in a psychologically if not physically.abusive relationship. The advice here is to leave. Noone owns your body but you. Keep your religion out of relationship advice.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          jtemple makes a point that is so tilted over to one-sided thinking (that is so common in our world) and can only be backed up by accusing those who differ with her of being “evil”.
          The term psychologically abusive means to clear one of two when that is almost never the case that there is an innocent one. Are there people who are abusive? Of course. But in marriages that are unhappy, the individuals need individual HELP, not editorials.

  5. Tony Reply

    I’m just wondering. What to do as a male who is experiencing some of the problems you outlined above. I have a child with a lady who I generally believe is a good mother. Unfortunately we don’t sleep together as she often kicks me out of bed because I snore. Added to this, I do most of the cooking and cleaning. Although she spends a lot of time with our son, my partner does very little for the family as a whole. She rarely, if ever, makes meals and if I come home from work there is usually never a meal made. On the other hand I constantly am making meals for the family. Added to that, my partner is often uncontactable during the day even though she doesn’t work. We have childcare which I pay for but she still seems too busy to make meals, clean or earn an income. Perhaps I sound angry and indeed I am however I’m seriously considering becoming a single Dad. I’ve told her we need counselling and also that I’m happier looking after my son without her. Perhaps you have some suggestions?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Tony
      It does not work to unravel particular situations. There are just endless outer causes, and endless judgments. The ONLY thing that will help you is to learn how to control you reactions, your internal automatic reactions. Then, you are able to dispassionately observe without angst.

      In fact our programs concentrate on teaching how to gain such control over your mind, so the right way to live and love can be practiced. Your situation is recoverable, But you must tame your anger if you are to find peace.

  6. April Reply

    My name is April been married 30 years and have issues with my husband cheating I blame it on him but I’m not sure if that’s so please help me my marriage is in deep danger

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear April
      You are wise to reserve judgment, but it is not black and white. Of course your husband should not have cheated on you, but…and here is where it gets tricky… you need to ask yourself if he is disloyal by nature, or if he just could not find a better way to deal with a wife who was not there for him.
      Men and women are far different. You cannot get a dog consciousness to act like a cat. You married him for who he is, so to completely blame him would not help either of you.
      In fact, you need to get yourself back on track as a first order of business, then see if what you have, and what you want to do about your marriage. …We almost always promote resolving what needs resolving, and moving forward together, knowing what you are doing.But it is up to you.

  7. kat Reply

    We’ve been married for 14 years. Our marriage has been up and down. And to be honest mainly downs.
    His a good husband and father. He would do anything for me.
    I’m always angry with him for no apparent reason. I don’t know why I’m like this towards him. I always have something negative to say him. I don’t know if I will be happier without him. Even tho I love him. I know he deserves better than me.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Kat
      One of the first things I noticed when helping individuals was that no matter how logical, or good, or self-interested the advice I gave was there was no way a person could take it, for long. Everyone reverts back to what their habits dictate.So, I invented a technique as part of the program, which we insist is followed, or we ask people to stop, and ask for a refund….but the technique, when applied, is amazing in that any individual can re-create their habits, including their reactive habits. This will probably work for you, too. If not, and it takes effort, you may need additional temporary help.For that, we at The Marriage Foundation do not “go there” when it comes to clinical advice because, even though all our TMF certified counselors are licenced, we are strict about only counseling in regards to our teachings.
      I suggest you try the marriage help program for women….we have a different one for men.

  8. MissDepressed Reply

    My partner and I are not married but we’re living together because we have two kids. Few days ago I found out he’s cheating. He sends random messages to girls on facebook asking them out or offering gifts, using an account he had for 4years that I am not aware of. I was devastated. I confronted him and he promised to never to it again. I told him to delete the account but until now he didn’t do it. I am so fed up because he annoys me with almost everything. He works as a car sales agent. Most often than not, he is not going home and sleeps in a hotel room where his boss and friends stays. I am becoming more paranoid because he can easily cheat with me. He seldom texts or call me. I don’t always know where he is, what he does or who’s with him. I hate to bug him because it is making him feel grounded. I feel so mad about my situation. I wanted to leave him but I cannot support my kids alone. All I am longing for is his time for me and the kids. He is a good provider though. But I wanted to teach him his lesson once and for all. But I don’t know exactly what to do. He knows I am hurt with all the things he’s making me feel. But he keeps on doing it. Please help me.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Miss D.
      You are married, for all intents and purposes, so I will ask you to think of yourselves that way.
      I do not want you to think I am putting all this on you, because he is not doing so well as a husband, but you have more control over the situation than you may imagine. IF you wish for your relationship to work out I suggest you “win” his love and attention. The fact is you will pull him in with sweetness, and any man will be pushed away from a woman who is offensive, no matter how he may show it; this is just the way it is….Try reading one of our books so you can get an idea of what works well, as there are too many things to recount in a brief answer, but I would not lose hope. I think if you apply yourself, this will be fine.

  9. Maria Reply

    I am always angry at my husband. He used to spend all of his time with me. Now, he has so many friends who he spends time with at least once a week (on his days off). And he goes to the gym everyday after work. I resent him so much especially because he didn’t change his “lifestyle” after our 3rd child was born. He is a good provider and I know he is not cheating on me. I just don’t feel like we (me & the kids) are his priority. My husband and I have been married for 7 years.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Maria
      Please do not get mad at me, either. But your problem is one that is growing because when you get mad at him he,and anybody for that matter, would not want to be around that. Anger is as terrible for the recipient as it is for the giver. But the recipient can find all kinds of excuses to get away, while you are stuck with it.
      The good news is that your compounding problems can be resolved with simple solutions. But I will not tell you what they are in this message because you need to read one of the books…or, if you want to spend a lot of money for a faster “cure” you can get our program.
      I will also tell you that your solutions will improve things dramatically, very quickly!

  10. Happy Day Reply

    I agree with this advice. The mind does need to be trained to be happy and not angry. I am going to put this advice to work and train my mind not to be angry. In fact, I’m going to train my mind to stop looking at the “right and wrong” in how anyone including my husband choses to respond to me. Maybe men ‘should know’ but maybe women can learn to let go of some of their “rights and wrongs” “do this do that” “do it my way or else” attitude. I found out that my husband could care less about a neat house, dinner on time, what the kids do or don’t do. So, I’ve learned from him how to relax a little and not be so uptight. After all I’m not living with my mother, she is not in my home dictating to me or yelling at me or demanding that I obey her. I think you get my point. We can get used to just relaxing and letting go of all the anger. I heard about the SEW technique you teach, and I am going to get your program.

  11. Sarah Reply

    I don’t agree with everything, but I’m pretty sure I can definitely work on changing my thinking. This gave me hope. Thank you.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      If you start using our methods and formulas you will see that they actually work…I am glad you now have hope…may I suggest you add determination, and then do what works, not what only seems right

  12. Devika Reply

    I can’t control my anger towards my husband . He is not sharing anything with me. And he comunicating with other girls and hated ones to me I felt anger in out of control

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I hear this a lot, and did when I would work with individuals. This is exactly why I came up with the SEW technique.It is easy to know that you should control your anger, everyone knows it iss best. But doing so needs a technique in most cases I have seen.

  13. Asil Reply

    I have been married 35 years. I will admit to having an anger problem. I do not like my husband AND HAVE NOT FOR SOME TIME. In 08 our daughter was killed and in 2012 our family was diagnosed with the mutated Huntington’s gene. My husband, his father, two brothers, a sister and now the grandchildren are or have tested positive for this devastating condition. Our marriage was crappy before our daughters death, and I can’t believe I’m still here. My fear is that I dislike my husband because I blame him for all of this. The death of our children. The stress from this is overwhelming me and I want to run away and hide. I have no idea how he feels, he does not talk about “it”(Huntington’s), or us.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      My first response is one of deep sorrow for your loss of your daughter, your validation of Huntington’s lurking in background, and your having never learned how to deal with your anger. Life is quite a challenge for everyone, nearly every day. But when faced with extraordinary challenges, as you and your family have, it is almost too much… but you are here, and they are your challenges, so face them we will.

      Anger is a very tough problem, which I personally had to deal with. In the 90’s I was so owned by anger that at times i was on the floor, doing all I could to push it out of my head. Although I was successful (it took more than 10 years), when I began helping couples I saw that I was far from being alone. I, fortunately, have a stronger will than most. But what about those who were in the middle of tumultuous marriages,working jobs, raising children? I needed to create an effective technique that anyone could use that systematically produced the desired results. Not only for anger, which is the biggest destructive habit of all, but for all the myriad habits which keep us from enjoying the love we are all essentially endowed with. Happy to report to you that the SEW technique is part of the program we have, and is less conspicuously included in both of my books. I wish I could give it away, but I found that those who are handed the technique NEVER end up using it, even though they think they do. So its the only way to get it.

      As to your not liking your husband (which you emphasize by caps) I have to tell you that this is a choice. But your mind is not accepting of his flaws as mere appendages, and you are not consciously separating him from particular attributes. This is something most people suffer from, and we address it everywhere.

      Personally, I think that 35 years is a huge investment. You could, if you so choose, turn your marriage around by using the principles I have laid out. Truly, I pray you do that, and make it a point to find happiness by scientifically gaining control over your mind,as I teach. Happiness is a birthright. Everyone deserves it, no matter what. You do, too.

  14. Sandra Reply

    My husband puts everyone before me. If I suggest something, it is shot down. If someone else makes the same suggestion, they are praised. He never wants to do things with just me, always wants to invite others. I’ve become defensive and irritable.
    Feeling alone.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      In your note you express what you think are the reasons for your “irritability” and “defensiveness”, and it does make sense. What I try to get people to see is not the back and forth; because he would have complaints, too. But the way to not be affected by the offenses of the other. That way you are not caught in a cycle that just brings pain and frustration.

    • Caroline pena Reply

      I have been married 7 yrs an UT hurts me so much that I feel alone. I get ignored for days if I say or do anything that my husband doesn’t like first I don’t do anything because I can’t just go to work an home. He stop me from seeing my grandkids an my 2 kids which he knew that we were close. But when it comes to his family he expects for me to be an do every expected which I don’t mind but deep down Im hurting an crying it breaks my heart that my family can’t come over. I try to talk to him about it but he shuts me down an he says will if your son didnt say this or that so I try to tell him hun look what you have done you used to abusive he saw a black eye on my face all he has to say it was a accident

      • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

        Although you cannot change your husband because we cannot change anyone other than ourselves I suggest you take note of what triggers him, whether it is fair or unfair. Then, if you do not want his negative reactions simply control yourself in those areas.

  15. Mary Reply

    my name is Mary, i love my fiancee but i dont understand why when he makes me angry i want to device a means to delibrately make him as angry as he has made me at that moment too. i feel i cant be angry and he is happy, i want us to be angry together (and vise versa)that way he would know how it feels and not do it again. is something wrong with me?? please help me..i dont know what to make of it

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I am glad you wrote to us instead of going to a therapist. They would have you in sessions for a long time, and probably find ways to blame your fiance, too.

      The problem is that you do not realize that
      1) your mind has a “mind of its own”. They can come up with the most bizarre off the cuff ideas and feelings, that are not “us”. Getting into why you have a particular thought is unnecessary, and wastes time and energy.
      2) You need to learn how to master your mind, which is what the SEW is all about.

      Bottom line; discard those crazy thoughts, and make your mind be loving and considerate.

  16. Dina Reply

    Hello, I’ve been married for three years so far. It’s been very difficult to have a good relationship with my husband. I feel alone and mad at him most of the time. I blame him all the time for not being able to make me happy.

    I have noticed that when we text the communications most the time is better than face to face. I feel frustrated because I’m waiting for him to want to do something as a couple, but it seems like we don’t know how to act when we are in the same space. We don’t have deep conversations and we don’t have any topics in common.

    If he does not touch me I don’t touch him either or talk to him. it is a very weird relationship.

    I’m a very outgoing person, but not with him. I’m just tired of being mad. I’m tired of complaining all the time, and I’m tired of not feeling happy.

    Instead of trying hard in this relationship I’m always looking for excuses to quit. Sometimes I feel that it is my problem not his, despite the fact that he is not easy and he needs to work hard too for this marriage.

    We just don’t have good communication and we almost never plan things together. I need good advice and find the solution for this problem because I dont want to feel the same always.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Its good you admit these things, and especially good you are asking about yourself.
      There is no question that your deeper expectations, the ones that count, can be met easily when you have a guide, like in either of my books. It is also probable you will have a deep connection with your husband once you start trying my suggestions. Because then you will understand anger, which in your case is appearing as frustration; great intentions, but you do not know “how”.
      I am glad you wrote, because a lot of women encounter the same challenges.

  17. Davrine Reply

    Hi I’m always angry at my husband before he goes to work…there is a girl there that I don’t like him to be around and it makes me mad for him to be there… He tells me there is nothing going on and that he doesn’t conversate with her, but I feel different..

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The best way to protect your marriage, Davrine, is by having an amazing marriage. Have you considered reading one of my books? I think it will help you see things you may be missing…

  18. Dominika Reply

    Ladies, (or gents) if your husband is essentially a decent man, by all means follow the advice of this site to try to get things on track. But, some people are monsters…..

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dominika makes a valid point
      It happens, and I have helped some it has happened to, that the couple draws out the most unimaginable reactions from each other, to the point that you cannot ever tell who is the “real” monster, if there is one at all. The cycle is terrible and has to be broken before you can decide to end a marriage.
      It is rare that someone married a monster in waiting, but it has happened. If your life, or the life of a child is in danger, you MUST walk away. Otherwise, you need to start by breaking the cycles that dig you both into deeper and deeper holes…

  19. Alanna Reply

    But what if he does things that are so irritating…. and that’s why I’m mad. Like playing his video game and ignoring everything else…. including not even having a real conversation with me unless we are fighting.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Fighting is not part of a proper marriage. The first thing for you to do is set your sights higher. Get educated about what marriage is supposed to be like. Use my books, or courses, to start taking your marriage happiness more seriously. You are not a victim!

  20. Margarita Reply

    Dear Mr. Friedman,
    I have been just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety. My medicines wore out around 5 pm and thats when things got real.

    I was reading your article and it made me feel like there is a bit of hope. Because now I see I need to control things on my own. I was opposed to medicine but there was a promise that things were going to improve.

    I never had to deal with anything like what I am going to describe. It started when my husband and I got married. We had to deal with a lot during the 4 years we have been married, and on top of that I have a couple of things that happened to me that marked me like facing death.

    Overall, there is no doubt we love each other. However, I have always found excuses for my behavior. It started since we got married. I never understood that I have an irrational way to deal with my emotions; especially anger, stress, anxiety and sadness. All I do is yell and overreact.

    Even though, I know my marriage is in extreme danger, I do not know what to tell myself or my brain to achieve improvements. I do not know how to cope, and I cannot expose my husband to such an environment. I understand his reasons from giving up yet I know that even with him out I need help. I would like to try one of your courses if you could advise which one could be better to start. Thanks in advance

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You are not alone. Your marriage is not unique, and yes, we can help you.
      I’m glad you are taking the medications. And I am glad you see them as a necessary, perhaps permanent, or temporary crutch. The physical brain can sometimes use the modern medical approach, while combining self-strengthening methods.

      Our woman’s course is PERFECT for you, and in fact the fist section hits the nail right on the head. I have a lot of confidence you will find the help you need, and urge you to stay in contact with our counselors once you sign up (access is part of the course).

      Thank you for writing in

  21. Teri Reply

    I’m married about a Year now and all I’ve Experienced is Drama, if it’s not coming from his mother it’s from Friends and Family
    Nd he always seems to Blame me!
    his moved to his parents thrice Already and came back Home a Few days ago!
    I found out his been massaging ex’s and People outside of our Relationship and Since I’ve been So Angry and Aggressive towards him knowing that my Daughter and I don’t need him.
    his extremely stubborn and shows no remorse for his actions and I constantly feel like I’m Being Disrespected and Disregarded in all aspects of our Relationship!! I’m actually so Hurt by Everything that’s been Going on and I feel like his to blame!! my Daughter is amazing, and I do sometimes wonder how much better my life would have been if she hadn’t attached me to him and We didn’t get Married!! but I feel like there’s so much Building up inside of me that I’m starting to take it out on him

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      There are steps to getting out of the hole you are in, and the first step is gaining control over your mind. It is impossible to make a decision, or progress in any way while your mind is so upset.
      The course is the best solution for you.
      The very first section is a how-to for gaining control over your mind, which will have the secondary affect of calming him down.
      Then, you can write to our counselors; which comes with the course.
      Stay in touch after you get started. I’m sure you will find the help you need.

  22. Penny Hogan Reply

    Although your writing was thorough and seemed In depth, I found it rather pratronising and it actually made me feel angry towards you because I felt you were judgemental and based your findings on generalisations.

    I have been looking at ways to control my spurts of anger which I have with my husband of 24 years, and I thought your points about famialarity in marriage raised some areas in my relationship which I can work on to help towards a healthy marriage.

    However the sections where you express your opinion of ‘I’m sorry but that’s just not right’ sounded rather egotistical as it if you alone had the answer and everyone else’s opinion was incorrect. As a therapist I would have thought you would be less eager to promote this type of communication as it seems to leave little room for anyone to express their own opinion without seemingly challenging yours.

    Perhaps as a suggestion for the future communication and writing, look at ways to use language which promotes forgiveness for others reactions to anger and avoid superior judgemental dialogue which takes away a individuals right to progress and learn about themselves and their issues at their own pace based on what they believe not you feel they ‘should’

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Maybe you are right with your criticism and I’ll go back into the article to see what you saw. The last thing I want to do is push people away who came for help. Thank you.

      Now, the ideas about over-familiarity are valuable, but not the most important for dealing with anger. The most important is the SEW technique (which ties to to my discoveries about how the mind works), which I discovered in 2003. I too had anger problems. In the early 90’s I had enough. I began to determinedly work on my anger, but was not successful until I began to use the SEW. Then, finally, I had a solid footing that helped me nearly wipe it out. Those who know me recognize me as one who rarely gets angry, almost never hurts another with the anger that does slip in from time to time (maybe once or twice a year). I only wish I knew what I teach when I was a kid growing up. But now that I know, I just want to share it, and help others… By the way, I’m not a therapist. I have trained them, and taught them, but I’m not a supporter of psychologists when it comes to marriage help.

  23. Amber Reply

    What are your thoughts about only one person in a couple doing this work. In other words, I am not interested in trying to convince another to read a book, take a course, try a technique…etc. Is it necessary for both people to “get on the same page” and do these techniques together?

    I have seen couples try to “fix their marriage” and it seems to create a new layer of resentment…one is more committed than the other or one isn’t reading the book, for example. I hate how couples lock together in a silly battle, as if they are no longer separate individuals.

    I have been a very independent type all my life so whenever I have negative thoughts about my partner I just think “get out” and be alone again. My partner is actually very open to looking at his own behavior and he’s a loyal and good mate. Nobody is perfect but I just get so damned irritated by him and often have a short temper with him. In my moments of clarity I sometimes can’t even recall why I got so angry!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Amber
      It is incredible how clear you are about something that I didn’t get right away, that marriage is about 2 individuals who are married together. The whole idea of love and togetherness is mostly misunderstood. But, when you take responsibility only for your own behaviors, of thoughts, speech and actions, and they are deliberately loaded with love, your marriage will succeed beyond any expectations.
      Once I saw this interesting reality I was rarely unsuccessful with my clients, and then we oriented the entire courses program around this idea, and have had one success after another.
      You are right on the money! No need to bother your spouse with your personal path. Learn to love them unconditionally, and that is what we teach, and you will have the best marriage ever.

  24. kyla kariuki Reply

    M y name is Kyla. I have been married for five years now……. my hubby once told me my butt looks old: that it has dimples as he quoted that as a joke….. i was torn apart completely. I give this man the best….. I perform my marital duties completely to a point he recommends me and i like it. Though i keep remembering what he told about my butt and i cant help it. My butt drives him crazy…… and i don’t know what crossed his mind to make him say such crap to me…… I no longer enjoy sex…with him anymore….. am always torn apart when having sex with him…. I can’t afford cheating on him….. Am looking forward to join the gym….. What should i do?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The basis of your marriage has become too focused on little things, like a few careless words. I think you need to shoot higher, not worry so much about sexual pleasures, and put your attention more on heart centered aspects of your lives together,like talking about how much you love him. His focus will change when your’s does.

  25. Davona Reply

    Hi. My husband and i have been married for almost 2 years and we had our 1st child 09-22-2018. He is a wonderful father and a wonderful husband. Of course we don’t get much time with each other (just the two of us) as we used to. I understand the sacrifices we make for having little ones , But I feel so resentful toward him. I get angry and lash out at the most littlest things. It’s almost everyday that we go through these episodes with me getting upset. I’m aware of it but it’s hard for me to control my words and feelings. This may be all on a deeper level than i am thinking but he hasn’t done anything to me but LOVE ME. What is wrong with me??

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Hi Davona
      The problem of uncontrollable anger is very common because when we are kids, and when they talk about it on talk shows (where it seems these bad ideas get rolling) we hear about venting, and expressing your feelings, as if it is the right thing to do. So people get in the habit of doing so.
      I too had an anger problem, and it was tough to control. It was not until I began helping married individuals that I really cracked the code. But the problem is the solution takes more than I wish it would. In fact, the anger problem is part of a bigger problem, that we were not trained to train our minds.
      The books I wrote go into the problem in the chapter on the mind, but the instructions there are not going to work for you because your’s is so deeply rooted. You will need the course… I’m sorry about that, because of the expense. But I just don’t know another way to solve this.
      The good news is it will work- 100% certain!

  26. ari Reply

    Thank you for this article. I am currently going through CBT for past trauma, and now I feel I have confirmation that my anger against my husband is due to triggers and habits. I see that I just need to apply the rethinking/rewiring techniques in CBT to make new habits. The issue is I’m worried I will damage our marriage beyond repair. He is wonderful, but I still get so angry at him. So anyway, thank you for giving me hope that I can change this habit of anger. If it’s a trigger, I can work on that.

    I also wanted to say though, I worry about the advice that it’s always the angry person’s fault. I was in an abusive relationship 10 years ago and I was angry at him, (though more so terrified, and for good reason.) That was not my fault. If any man or woman is abusing their partner (verbally, physically, or sexually), I believe it is terrible advice to tell the partner it is their fault if they feel anger toward their abusive spouse and that they should work it out. No one deserves that, and it’s hard enough to be free of the manipulative abuser without someone on the outside putting blame on the abused. Just wanted to add that note in case someone in an abusive situation read this and used it to validate their abusers behavior; I know how easy it can be to do that.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      CBT is a horse and buggy method compared to my discoveries of methods I put in the “anatomy of a fight” section of our course, and the SEW technique. I promise you, if you get the course you will have near immediate relief, plus you will set yourself up for one success after another. You will find true happiness.

      • Dee Reply

        Thanks so much for this post.
        I’ve been married now just 4 years. My husband and I are soo different and this article has challenged me to understand my frustrations and respect his perspective in matters. I CAN control my anger. Thank you.

  27. "L" Reply

    I have been married almost 11 years now and I swear I have been mad at my husband for two the same 2 reasons all those years. He did not grow up with affection being demonstrated in the house hold, I did. I expected to have that but that is not what happened. I am furious with him that he won’t listen when I tell him how much affection is important to me. I have yelled it I have cried it, I have calmly said it. Done research, talked to church leaders with him, prayed about it and it all comes down to he doesn’t think I truly need intimacy regularly. I now get so anxie when I suggest it that when he ultimately says “nah” I either cry or yell or simply leave and hate him more. He is not cheating, he is a good man, works so hard, keeps his job, buys me things, and wants me happy but he won’t budge with sex. My bitterness and anger shoot out over litte things and I lose it. We have no kids, but we do have a step son from his previous marriage of less than a year long whom I love greatly but does not live with us. I struggle because my anger is solvable to me. I am very vocal nor am I shy but this is killing me and causing me to hate him for it. I feel there is nothing for me but divorce or just dealing. I don’t want to be angry, I love him and I need him but I am making us miserable by how I react.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear L
      This is not as tough as it may look to you, but you will need to do some shifting in your thinking and perspective.
      The first thing is to recognize you are working against your own interests by being angry. Sexual intimacy in marriage should be based in love; the act is a delivery system of the deepest kind when understood and properly utilized. Anger, which is a choice, closes the heart. So, how can a man want to have sex with his wife who is angry, when he wants and needs love?
      This is probably too complex to cover here in more depth, so I have to point you to one of my books. I think it will be enough for you. If not, if your anger is so chronic that the guidance in the book is not enough, you will get what you need from the course… but my sense is you will be fine from reading either of my books.
      So, trust me when I tell you. Everything will be fine. With the knowledge you will gain you will have a clear path.

  28. Mal Reply

    My husband and I have been married for three years, together for 5. He truly is amazing… amazing to me and our kids. However it bugs me so much and aggravates me to no end! I will be happy all day and then as soon as he’s home a switch turns! It’s so frustrating because I can’t even pin point why! He tries to be affectionate or want to be intimate but I cringe at the thought :( please help. I do love him but can’t shake this feeling when he’s around and don’t even want to kiss him… even when he tells me he loves me I shut down.. help! We can’t do this anymore I feel so bad :(

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear One,
      I don’t beleive in unravling “why” because the mind is ours, its a tool, and we are meant to control it…but it is not so easy.
      In the early 90’s I decided to give up anger. Sounds simple enough, but after 10 years I only made a lttle headway, and I tried everything I could get hold of. It was not until I created the SEW for my clients, and used it myself, that I could finally banish it.
      But the SEW alone is not enough. Without a working understanding of the mind the SEW is only a tenth effective.
      In my books I describe everything you need in chapter 13, the longest chapter, so its possible to devise your own strategy. But if you want to really be victorious than the course we offer is the best way to go because I use scientific methods to pound in what you need to win. Its much faster and seems to stick better.
      So, that’s it. I wish ot were easier; we would all be saints if it were.

  29. Leanne Reply

    My husband and I have been together for 14 years. We have had our ups and downs. We try to talk about everything. One thing I learned from my last marriage was communication is key. But now my husband tells me he feels like I am taking my frustration out on him instead of directing at the people causing it. That I walk on eggshells around my family yet take things out on him. I feel I may be holding in too much. He is always telling me I’m grumpy even when I don’t think I am. I’m kinda at a loss. I’m trying to deal with my business, my daughter’s upcoming wedding, a family member who is very sick (and may be dying) and trying to keep a household. And I feel there is more.
    All of which are frustrating me immensely. My husband doesn’t deserve to be my “catch all”. I’m just not sure how to fix this. I love him very much. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. We are good together. I want us to get back to those times. I want us to be happy!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      How wise is your comment My husband doesn’t deserve to be my “catch-all”.
      So true!

      The actual problem you are having is that you are not able to control the mind or its “outputs”.
      Let’s get rid of that problem and all the others too. Let’s get you using the program that literally begins with what will specifically make you master of your mind, and then goes on to help you live a joy-filled marriage.

      Watch this video, then sign up for the course for women. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdJ6a_6_FSU

  30. M Reply

    I have had trouble managing my emotions – mostly anger – since I was a small child. I’m now 30 and was married less than 2 months ago, and I’m already feeling this fear gnawing at me that this isn’t going to work. I keep getting angry at him – now I see for sure that the reasons are thwarted desires, for example this morning he did not act in the loving way that I wanted/needed while I am sick on vacation and he left for a day trip with his friends. 12 hours later and I’m still so angry about it. I feel frozen in this angry and mean state of mind, and I don’t know how to snap out of it. I don’t understand how to intentionally change my reactions. He says I go from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat. I know I need help, but I also feel helpless and wish I could run away. How do o communicate my feelings in a loving and productive way, not an angry and mean way?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear M
      I’m the founder and creator of all the teachings we have and I, too, had trouble with anger, but not anymore. In the 90’s I decided enough was enough but was not able to conquer it, no matter what I tried. Then in 2001, I devised a technique for an individual who had the same problem and it worked. I self-applied it and within a very short time, weeks, I was in control. That technique is called SEW. It took some time to make it what it is today but is in the first portion of the courses we offer in the foundation.

      Take the course! It will work for you, period…. and all blessings to you and your husband.

  31. No name Reply

    My husband of 14 years has always had a short fuse. He grew up with a critical controlling mother and a domineering father figure. He tries to be a good man. He’s made great strides over the years to improve himself. One area that vacillates off and on is his impatience and negativity leading to angry outbursts and criticisms. He can become very impatient if I do not answer a text fast enough or answer the phone, or dropping something off at the house from a store run he made and I or the kids didn’t come help fast enough, driving with him can be awful. He gets so angry and impatient he lays on the horn and curses and complains about the people that anger him. I’m stuck in the car with him listening to him. His anger feels like bile coming up in my mouth and I get anxious and angry. I try not to respond, but usually some kind of request for him to stop causes him to lash out at me with, “Don’t talk to my like a child.” Or “Don’t tell me how to talk.” It can derail me for a long time. I notice I’m pulling further and further away from him. Talking to him doesn’t seem to stop this behavior. How can I respond? How can a spouse deal with an angry spouse? Do your resources help people like me?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Anger is my personal pet project. I too had an impossible time overcoming my own back before I began helping marriages. My anger was no joke. I had less of a short fuse but the intensity was unbearable. I tried everything I could find, for ten years! and still could not conquer it.

      It was not until I had a client who needed help conquering their habits that I finally addressed anger, which is a habit, logically and dispassionately. I came up with the SEW technique and later I adopted a training that gave control back to us, the owners of the mind. Its all in the courses. It is amazingly simple and effective. What I had worked on for ten years and made almost no headway I was able to overcome anger completely, making huge progress right away.

  32. Pelokazi Reply

    My husband cheating on me more than once in the past few years and I have always forgiven him and he is lazy more than a tortoise does not wash nor clean his mouth sexually I used to be the only giving he only accept to make matters worse now he is addicted to pornography and always fishing for younger teens on social media… Do I have a reason to be angry? Because now whenever he touches me it feels like my body has been violeted

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      I have tried to explain that anger is a personal issue, and although stimulated by outer events it is wholly controllable. So, your complaints about your husband raise the real issue that your marriage is far from the happiness producer you want. I think you would be better off learning about marriage, as a whole, rather than focus on anger.

  33. Felice Reply

    Thank you for your sharing. I have been in severe anger problem for the last 3 years since I got married. There are lots of problems in our marriage: financial, abusive relationship with my mother, my husband’s annoying behavior (like bullying, complaining), my husband’s hatred about my mother’s behaviors etc. I have found myself like totally broken down into pieces and I can only express myself through anger.

    After reading your message, I have found hope. I really want to deal with my anger problems and become a better person and have a better relationship with my husband.

    My situation may be even more complicated (due to my husband’s past, but he refuses to seek help from any professions). I feel I don’t know whether the marriage can last even when I solve my anger problem. I’d be grateful if you would provide some suggestions. Thank you.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Dear Felice,
      It is truly amazing how anger can ruin our lives. I can totally relate to your struggle and I hope you can trust me that if you follow what I learned and now share you will see light again. Have no fear!
      Now, if you can use the info in the books that would be great because it is cheaper. But not many can, so you may need the course. But it is worth it!
      Let me know how it goes.

  34. T Reply

    What do you suggest 9 year marriage to my wife who just left me because she has depression and ADHD and doesn’t know how to handle any level of conflict. I know I can be stubborn and angry when pushed. But I am beyond angry with her for letting my son and I go? I feel so such anger I have moments of peace but most of the time it’s anger towards her for leaving. She didn’t give us time to work out the issues. She wanted a quick fix. I just would not do what she did. I’m trying to move forward and remove her from my heart to co parent only,

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      The length of the marriage is irrelevant. The fact that you did not address your marriages inner dynamics, and sought to fix some outer problems is still the culprit.
      In marriage, there is the relationship between you two, the responsibility to behave in thought speech and action in a marriage conducive way and there is the vision that should dictate your every thought.

      You have to start with yourself. At this point, because you are separated, you are in an emergency and need the course I created for The Marriage Foundation. Look into it! I know of no other possibility for rescuing your marriage. Share it with your wife, too https://youtu.be/WdJ6a_6_FSU

  35. Lilly Reply

    I do not agree that society teaches us to blame our anger on others. Having raised several children I know that “others” can anger us from birth. Even a small baby can be angry if you take their toy (or whatever) and they know just who to direct their anger toward.

    I am here because my adult daughter said she is angry during sex because she has seen a correlation between her husband’s stress and his desire for sex. So she feels used by him during sex. She can tell that he’s not expressing love, not interested in her pleasure or feelings, he’s just there to get his rocks off. When she discussed it with him he denied it. She took a different tack and discussed it again and he admitted it. He also said she was over sensitive and ridiculous to not realize that after the honeymoon all sex is just getting your rocks off while you envision a younger, better looking, wanton woman in your head. Frankly, as an older, experienced woman I’ve heard this story from women a LOT.

    So, if these women shouldn’t feel angry, what should they feel? That this is the way the male mind works and accept it?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      My premise is accurate, but I think you are in over your head trying to help your daughter. In fact, your daughter’s observation about your husband’s sexual desire and his stress levels are pretty darn good, but… irrelevant.

      Sex in a healthy marriage has to be seen very differently than sex in a “normal” marriage. And in order to do so, one must determine what a healthy marriage is. In our society and what is promoted by psychologists, sexual appetite and frequency are highly weighted components of a “healthy” marriage. I do NOT agree with that at all.

      My philosophy is that marriage is an individual spiritual path that two people take together, but individually. In other words, unconditional love is the foundation of a healthy marriage as well as the goal, vision, and criteria. If you are striving for unconditional love in all your actions you will be happy. This is the fundamental premise I build all of my marriage help upon and it has been successful for decades. I think others will eventually follow this common-sense approach, but the world has some more shifting to do.

      Back to anger. Anger has a formula. Anger comes when one’s desire is thwarted and they do not have the education to recognize it is born in the drive-to-survive and thus stop it in its earliest stage.

      What “should” your daughter feel instead of anger?
      Your daughter is a victim of her mind. She is not in control over it, as she should be. What she should feel during sex is obviously love, and blaming her husband for her anger is immature.

      It is also my philosophy that marriage is a sacred space for only two people, not mothers, or friends, or therapists. Your daughter would do well, much better if you gifted her one of my books. She needs to learn about marriage, how her mind works, how her husband’s mind works, and focus on the reason for marriage; happiness through love…that’s my opinion.

  36. Dee Reply

    Hi I’ve been married for 5 & 1/2 yrs now and I’m so mean to my husband. When we met we got married within a year but during that time I never saw things or smelled things that I do now and it’s mostly hygiene problems and for a few years I would tell him nicely about them but 5 and a half yes later I’m sick and tired of pointing them out to him over and over and over the same things and now I’m so stressed and angry and so mean to him about those issues that I’ve even gone as far as to move to another bedroom on the other side of the house so I can’t hear or smell him anymore. Now when I see him I only feel hatred towards him and it shows. How can I fix this one?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      My first thought is that your husband is effectively hiding behind his bad hygiene and using it to keep his distance… what you do about this should be to work on your end of the marriage; how you relate to him, how you speak with him, how you express love to him. I would think if you shared with him that maybe it is your fault, just to get him to speak openly, you would have some clues. But don’t get defensive or rebellious. Just listen and consider. Then, it is up to you to reach out. It is up to you to analyze how you are as a wife.

  37. Yana Reply


    I am having a similar problem, but not exactly.
    I would say I am very understanding, peacefull and loving till one point of my relationship. Usually something bad happens that changes how I perceive my partner and its like all my love vanishes – I become cold and angry. I try to return to my feelings but its like they are all gone. That happens to me almost in all my relationships. Its like a have that image of my parther in my mind and when he changes that image I no loner want to be with him – I become angry and distant. I had sencire fellings for my partner a month ago wanted to marry him, but now it is all gone and don’t know how to fix it… :(

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Yana, I think you can see as well as I do, is a victim of “hidden” or subconscious habitual reactions. They carry her without mercy toward much worse circumstances than what initiated them. This is all too common because we were never taught that our inner reactions are under our control, so we remain victims.
      The answer is to watch the mind. When it reacts stop it, and then make it do as you command.
      Some people are able to use this simple formula as I expressed here and end their enslavement and suffering. Most of our clients cannot do this without using the process I created specifically to regain control over the mind (using thorough education and repetition). The rule of thumb is to first try on your own gaining insights from one of my books (chapter on the mind) unless the marriage is slipping towards divorce. In those cases get the course and tackle this wholeheartedly once and for all.

  38. Simona Reply

    Paul I’m so angry for the past 10 years. My husband betrayed me financially. He stupidly signed a deed that guaranteed our family home to his cousin. His entire family are pretending nothing happened and I have no one to talk to as I dont have a family and the one friend I have is very insensitive towards my issue. She says things like “I’m so lucky my husband is a hard worker and very smart”.

    On top of that he is slack to get a job and had stripped me of my one dream. Raising money to buy a house in one of the most expensive cities in the world is unlikely now.

    How do I stop being so angry?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Simona gives her side of the “story” and then asks “how do I stop being angry?”… But, her question is not a truthful request for help. It is an ‘I dare you to suggest I shouldn’t be angry’ statement. It has been a very long time since I have taken the bait!
      Those who wish to rid themselves of anger can do so. That is the good news.

      Anger is never the result of outer conditions but is a flaw that can be eradicated. Once seen this way, instead of as a flaw that can be just “managed” it is just a matter of doing what is required. The best method is embedded in the SEW technique I invented and is the first step within the programs offered by The Marriage Foundation.

  39. Marie Reply

    I love my husband. But not as much as I feel I should. My husband and I have had disparaging libidos since I can remember, with his being much lower. Nothing seems to have quelled mine, unfortunately, and decades later I am feeling increasingly angry with him because we still have this problem. We’ve discussed the treatment methods on offer (he has low testosterone) and he refuses to take any of them up. I am aware his hormonal imbalance is not his fault but his lack of action is. I am so angry at the length of time this has gone on for – a decade and a half – that I am worried I’ll never be able to let the resentment go. I honestly feel tired of carrying it around with me but feel it’s the only thing I have to protect my heart from being constantly broken.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Marie is like most of us who have bought into the ideas about sexuality in a marriage that are patently false. The highest ideal of marriage is love, unconditional love to be more accurate, and so the use of coitus in marriage is intended to be for the purpose of connecting the heart. But it is not the only way to connect the heart. In other words, when the emphasis is on sex, rather than connection (which takes some knowledge to achieve) one or the other won’t “get enough”. If we allow ourselves to get into sex for the release or excitement we lower ourselves below the threshold of true happiness.

  40. Lindiwe Reply

    I agree I’ be been angry. My mind is been intertaining all the wrong doing that my husband did in the past. Thank you so much now I need to fight this negative intertainment that I do.

  41. Briana Reply

    Well written. But, incorrect. Anger is a God given emotion to alert is something unrighteous is happening. Chronic unrighteousness treatment without repentance of aggressor will not resolve easily. It’s spiritual. This article sets survivors up for shaming simply for having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Briana makes a good point that anger is a reaction but does not connect all the dots. Anger is implanted in the biological drive-to-survive but like all instinctive reactions, it is something that must be controlled by the individual who must determine whether it is reacting to a “false” alarm. Just because God created anger does not mean we should simply accept it as an accurate indicator of danger. It is only an indicator of what the mind fears.

      Most importantly we are obligated to never reveal anger unless it is done so with detachment, as we would for our children, only as a way to emphasize a lesson, but we must never be angry when we act.

      I did not write this article to shame anyone and Briana’s effort to cancel it just because she does not like it will not serve her needs. She would not be reading articles like this unless her uncontrolled anger is causing problems and she would be wise to gain that which she agrees with that is in the article so she can begin the process of learning to control her mind.

  42. Kasey Reply

    My husband and I’s 20th Wedding Anniversary is coming up in a few days. Since we no longer live in the same city where we got married, we would have to travel 2 1/2 hrs. to get there one way and back. He doesn’t want to go due to his health. Yet he can drive there to pick up a boat and back in the same condition that he’s in. I’m hurt and so angry! It’s sentimental to me. The tree we got married in front of was only 4 ft. tall. You can imagine how big it is now. I told him he doesn’t care. He feels it’s a waste of gas to go there just for that. I just said that I’m going with or without you. And you can enjoy celebrating it by doing what he does best. Sleeping.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Yes, Kasey, you are quite angry.
      I do not believe anger is a natural thing for we humans but a holdover from when our survival depended on it. The key here is to ask yourself if you really think allowing yourself to be owned by anger is worth the price you are paying, loss of peace, not feeling love, not enjoying the upcoming anniversary… I’m sure there are a lot of alternatives for you to think about.

      • Selyn Reply

        I was emotionally and physically abused when I was growing up. I learned to defend myself by getting angry. Since then I don’t trust or let anyone control me. I am very wise and patient and I put others before me. Sometimes I withhold my anger at work with perfection But I lash out my husband easy. I love him but I fear that if I let him he will control me or treat me unfairly. I do resent him for criticism too. He is not a bad husband and he is a good father. But when I get angry we both lose it and the discussion are getting worse. I know that my past has a lot to do with my anger but what do I use to defend myself. It is built in my mind.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          We are told by the psych community and so-called experts all the “reasons” for what we know are destructive to ourselves and others
          But what I tell you is that you have free will to master your mind and everything it does, so those reasons become excuses for not taking charge of the mind.

  43. Tiffany Reply

    I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. To this day I still get extremely angry when he says he will be home at a certain time or he will do this or that and he doesn’t. I feel let down and become rageful because I expect him to be about his word. I don’t know what to do about it.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Those of us who had/have anger issues know what a torment it is for ourselves and others. ironically, I only solved the problem with the SEW technique (which solves many problems) when one of my clients could not shake theirs, even though I had tried for nearly a decade. Other systems only offer little tools for control, but they are not enough.
      The very first section of both the men’s and women’s course is all about eliminating anger and other emotional burdens from your life.
      My approach to marital happiness is very “positive” but one’s mind’s unruliness is always the greatest obstacle for everyone.
      The promises of marriage, happiness, and love, are within everyone’s reach.

  44. Heidi Reply

    I dont know whats wrong with me but I always am immidiatly angry when my boyfriend comes home. Hes a great boyfriend and I can’t figure out why (for the first 15 minutes) I dont want anything to do with him when he comes home. Help! He hates it! And I dont get it!

  45. Elena Reply

    I have been married for almost two years. My husband is the kind of person who is not good at communicating, nor do I, especially when he said something with an unpleasant tone or how he expresses that made me angry and hysterical even he didn’t intend to do so. Every time I would fight and shout back, I didn’t realize it was the problem of the way how he speaks, not the speaking content. I almost fight back immediately because I got irritated that I lost my rational mind. In most cases, I didn’t realize the problem. If every time I knew that’s the weakness of him I will probably not get so mad. I need professional help to save my relationships and myself!

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      When Elena says “professional help” she is undoubtedly referring to therapy which tells me she is probably a therapist. As crazy as it may sound therapists have no idea about anger, where it comes from, or what to do about it. They universally believe that fighting is okay as long as you follow certain rules, and it is not, EVER!
      Therapists also believe that anger is “manageable” which is like having a feral cat in the house but “managing” it enough so it doesn’t do TOO much damage.
      Anger can be and should be eradicated.
      What we all should have learned growing up is that the mind is a possession that is controllable and it is our duty to control it so it does not “bite”.
      In both of my books, I dedicate the longest chapter to the mind. Without a working knowledge of the mind, a happy and love-filled marriage is nearly impossible to achieve.
      Learn and apply!
      You can have a wonderful marriage when you learn how!

  46. Rhea Reply

    I am married for 3 years and have given birth to our first born 8 months ago. I felt angry all the time on my husband because he has been so dependent on me, he doesn’t help me around the house even in looking after the baby, well he does look after the baby when I go to work because he has no choice. I felt like he is entitled because he is the one who’s providing for our family while im still maternity leave he doesn’t help me much at home cause he said that I’m not working and I’m just looking after the baby and doesn’t got to work so it’s my job to do household chores. I don’t know how should I feel. Am I falling out of love for my husband or am I still or the right track? I came from a broken family and I don’t my daughter to experience the same thing.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Rhea, I know you do not need another expense but trust me when I tell you that you desperately need the course for women. Please, write to our counselors if you need to but I am sure they will tell you the same thing.

  47. Sheva Reply

    I used to get very angry and I recognized it was something I needed to work on, so I did. But even if I speak calmly, my husband still acts as if I’ve attacked him and gets very very angry at me and blames it on me! He tells me I am going to get angry at him and shout at him and he is so mad that I do that- BUT I HAVEN”T DONE IT YET. He’s telling me I’m going to get angry and it’s so unfair because it’s like he doesn’t even acknowledge that I HAVEN”T gotten angry for a long time now! He throws my hard work in my face! Now it’s very confusing to me because I never know what’s going to trigger my husband, I basically can’t say anything if I feel hurt by his actions.
    I think he just wants me to never feel hurt by anything he does but…that’s impossible! I AM hurt! And how is that a healthy relationship??? But he refuses to consider that his actions are hurtful!
    I’m actually afraid of him. If I say the wrong thing he is so mean and hurtful back, even if I take pains to say it respectfully.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      Maybe Sheva’s choice to use “very” before angry is what caught my attention but I think she has stopped showing her husband the anger and that is working in the right direction. However, it is not enough to make up for all the damage that is past (and we do not dwell on the past) so she needs to now proactively bring love and joy into her marriage.
      She would do well to change her very thinking, so her inner reactions are in line with her true self, her soul, which is all love. No more self-pity, disappointments, expectations, etc.
      She is on the right track! I hope she looks into our materials on our website. https://themarriagefoundation.org

  48. Katherine Romar Reply

    My husband and I both cheated but we decided to stay together. Our children are adults and we now have grandsugas. The issue is that I love him but I get so angry with him because I never got to enjoy the person the other women got to see in their relationship with him. Who knows that could be what he is thinking about me. Anyway, my anger seems to control me and I speak to him with venomous anger and the bitterness seeps from my pours. I need help because he is older and seeming does love me. I don’t think he was ever in love with me but he does love me because of our 26 years of marriage. Anyway I was always in-love with my husband but sought outside of my marriage for what I was not getting from my husband. When I try to talk with him I feel wounded and he says I play the victim card. That is not it, I just want to be heard and my feeling acknowledged. You see I never disrespected him. One of the women came into our home. One of the women was my best friend and she took care our children when I was deployed. I feel stuck and lost! I love my husband and I want to forgive him with no anger and underlined bitterness. What can I do?

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      You already realize that you are a victim of anger so when your husband tells you that you are playing the victim card although he may not be able to connect the dots you can see what anger is doing to you on a near-constant basis.
      Most people blame anger on external events and conditions but that is due to miseducation. The truth is that until you learn about the mind and learn to control it you will be its victim of anger, emotions, and bad habits. The courses we have start with the mind. The courses are zero risk so you have no reason to not try yours. You will find freedom, and more than that you will find happiness. https://themarriagefoundation.org/system/

  49. Emmily Reply

    I sometimes raise my voice/fight in front of my 2 kids because I can’t hold it anymore. Recently my 4years old kids can understand and can ask my husband “if he still loves mummy or not?” Because I said a word of “go away from our life”. I do not need a problem like this, without him I feel happier and my mood is stable. I don’t want my angriness to affect the psychological of my kids. That’s why I am thinking of divorce as the only way out in our situation because we are not “sleeping” anymore (unless I asked because he never take the first move) and we don’t talk bout each other feelings anymore unless about kids.

    • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

      There is no way to have a great marriage when you are invaded by anger. Don’t blame things that happen for you not mastering your mind. Eliminate anger from your mind and your lives.

      • Chelsey Reply

        Hi I get angry all the time with my fiancé. I blame him when he makes mistakes that puts our family at risk or someone in danger. His mother also lives with us and I get angry about that and at his mother and take it out on him. I don’t mean to do it, my communication skills just go out the window and it takes days for me to feel better sometimes if I start to spiral into depression because of the fighting. I know I’m also the one who suffers most from my anger because it completely robs me of my joy, happiness and positivity that I need to keep going in life. I know I need to focus on myself more and mental health practices. It’s just hard to keep up on I will revert back if I’m triggered.

        • Paul Friedman Post authorReply

          We wrote to Chelsey to suggest she look into the course for women which contains an effective tool, the SEW technique, to help her eliminate her anger.

  50. Linda Reply

    I do not like the way I’m treating my husband for the past year. For years I was subjected to verbal abuse. I went to counseling for this and there were several times I seriously thought about leaving him. A couple of years ago he was diagnosed with PTSD. Since then he has been on meds, went to individual and marriage counseling, and has made a complete turnaround. I thought I forgave him but when I get mad, which is quite often I turn into this she-devil. When mad I tend to bring up how I was NEVER like this before I met him. Is this something that is common when living with someone with PTSD? It’s like our roles have reversed. He doesn’t deserve this treatment and he is a good human being. Thanks!

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