Understanding that your marriage is a sacred space makes the difference between being married to your soulmate or living with a cellmate. How we regard our marriage determines how you and your marriage function, and whether or not you will be happy or end up as a divorce statistic. It’s not trendy ideas but universal principles, rooted in the divine design of marriage, beginning with love and joy, that will guide you to nurture your soulmate connection and have the happiness and harmony we all crave. We are meant to love, without judgment or blame, or other mutually undermining attitudes, our spouse and our marriage. In 2001, I ended my vocation as a divorce mediator to become a marriage healer and spell out the science of marriage. A couple, having gone through Western psychology’s focus on problems in the context of marriage counseling, drove them to me to file their divorce papers. They asked me to try and save their marriage. That pivotal moment pushed me, although untrained in Western psychology, to discover the true purpose of marriage, which, I realized, is not even close to how most define it, a sterile “legally and socially sanctioned union, usually between a man and a woman, that is regulated by laws, rules, customs, beliefs”. It is, in fact, a spiritual journey of, and toward, unconditional love. It is not governed nor meant to be influenced by the unending myriad changes we all encounter on life’s stage, but dependent on universal laws that transcend both romantic notions and trendy theories. A marriage lived according to the rules of the road I discovered is a fulfilling sanctuary, sweet life of happiness and love.
From when I began, more than a quarter century ago, till now, I’ve watched psychological explanations for unhappiness leading to divorce come and go (they call it evolve, but that is a misnomer), as one random idea is replaced with another, or just added to the voluminous ideas. I know regard their ideas as flat-earth science, just as the astronomers before (and after) Galileo brought forth the truth that our little world is not the center of the universe. Over time, the self-ordained marriage experts of the psychology world went from determining that poor communication was the great killer, and this was the trend during my time as a mediator, to the current fad of labeling one’s spouse as narcissistic. These ideas, some of which are intriguing, all miss the very heartbeat of marriage, like a child who looks behind the mirror to see the rest of the child he sees copying him. The “experts” dwell on flaws, focus on issues, and differences, thus completely ignoring the universal principle our Creator wants us to hold dear: that unconditional love is the foundation of a thriving marriage. At The Marriage Foundation, we teach that universal principles and laws, such as love, joy, and kindness, are the bedrock of every successful marriage. It is those alone that create and are the path to happiness. Despite their good intentions, for they are truly good people, psychologists overlook the actual fundamentals. They miss the physics of marriage. They miss the science of marriage because they are wed to theory devoid of the most basic spiritual truth; that man is a spiritual being, created in the image of God.
In this article, I’ll illustrate how universal principles surpass psychological theories as guides for healing marriages. When you know you will feel like you have been walking on a rugged and perilous trail when you have a lighted path right next to you and within easy reach.
From studies of poor communication to narcissism, using authoritative research, they accepted authorities on marriage do not help a struggling wife or husband reconnect to their beloved one. Instead they create more division and unhappiness. They don’t see how unconditional love, as taught in my books Breaking The Cycle and Lessons for a Happy Marriage, can reinvigorate your marriage’s joy (some do, of course and it changes their lives, their marriage, and how they help individuals and couples). My aim is to illuminate the spiritual laws that heal without fail. For those whose marriage is in serious need, by that I mean heading toward separation and divorce, our Women’s Marriage Course. And our Men’s Marriage Course is ideal for righting the ship of your marriage and sailing into the ideal waters of marital bliss.
My first couple asked me for help because I was a communications expert. Asking me made sense. Nearly every psychologist was convinced that communication was the leading cause of marital discord. How many say “she doesn’t get me” or “Why won’t he listen? I told him countless times”. So my first couples who came to me for healing believed they were on the right track to ask for my help, and so did I. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, for instance, and even recent studies by NIH, rightly insist that negative communication patterns—such as criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling—are strong predictors of divorce. All true, but those predictors are like sounds coming from your washing machine before it fails completely. The ominous sounds, like terrible communication, don’t tell you what is wrong. In other words, changing the mode of communication, tone, or substance will not heal your marriage. They are only signs that your marriage is not functioning as it is supposed to. Individuals who insist on expressing their negative emotions or try to resolve conflicts through debate, setting boundaries, or repetition, as many try, will inevitably and invariably experience dissatisfaction and further separation. I saw the problems firsthand of “unrestrained” and I now call, “uneducated communication”, in meetings with those seeking divorce. What didn’t occur to me at that time was the paradox. Communication techniques and the utilization of commonly useful communication standards, exalted by traditional marriage counselors, are the very culprits that erode marriage. Again, the reasons for communication failure in the unique venue of marriage are not a mystery when we take universal principles of love and laws of human nature into account.
Here are a couple of ‘cliff note’ things not to do, and why
1. Don’t talk about what is bothering you.
The number one guiding principle of marriage is enshrined in the vows we give our spouse: “I promise to love you with all my heart, mind, and soul.”
We include no exceptions when we give this vow, until later, when our ego is offended by some ‘whatever’. The common refrain I heard from my clients about those individual items is a resounding “yeah but”, a far cry from unconditional love. Despite the excuses for unloving reactions, they are still not expressions of heartfelt vows. Here is the simple explanation for these transgressions. The ego, which is a combination of our human nature and our Soul, is not meant to rule you and your choices, but because we are not taught the hierarchy of soul, mind, and body, we simply don’t have the necessary understanding. Western psychological teachings have pushed us away from sound thinking about what we really are and regard us more as creatures without souls, or the more enlightened therapists who I like to train to be TMF marriage counselors, think we have souls, but few understand we are souls who have minds; a very important distinction. When you consider the ego as I correctly describe it, it is an error to expect your spouse to change their ways just because your ego, not the true you, is unhappy with something about them. Instead of asking them to change for you, the marriage savvy spouse asks, “Why am I bothered, or why is my happiness dependent on the behavior of others?”. Another guiding law of human nature, true in every area of life, is that individuals will only make the effort to change when they have resolved to, and then it takes tremendous personal effort. So, a true lover asks, “Why should I ask my true love to change when I am so imperfect?”. “Change yourself and you will change thousands”. Expectations of your spouse is a killer of marriage, not how you communicate with them.
2. Never use “I” statements such as “I feel like you don’t consider my feelings when…”
You probably have had to deal with this gaslighting technique, most of us have. It is off-putting, putting the receiver back on their heels. That is not expressing love. And then its counterpart, “I think you are using ‘I’ statements just to get your way.” It is true, and it is just as dumb. The rules of the marriage road that I lay out in our Women’s Marriage and Men’s Marriage Courses are for the individual, so you, as an individual, can rebuild the bridges of love and connection, not teach your spouse what they need to do and not do. Therapists’ focus on communication does bring attention to the importance of what they think is healthy communication, which is hardly an arguable premise. However, it then begs the question “how do I communicate better?” which, when not adhering to the core of learning to love unconditionally, devolves to communicating “in order to get my needs met (and not get my spouse too upset with me)”. We are taught what they think works for the person they consider victimized, and that thinking is so far off from what marriage is designed for. Unconditional love is 100% reliable as the generator of communication, and the “necessities” that typically are the impetus for communication should be set aside for a while so that your efforts are all toward connection-building. Don’t worry about the “important” things. They aren’t as important as your marriage.
Within months of working with couples, I shifted to working only with individuals, which I did for eight years, honing and testing to develop systems and processes, techniques, and strategies. Even when both of the couples want to heal their marriage, which is rare, I found it way too slow. When you are in trouble, you need results, and you need them fast. After over 25 years, I can assure you that solo effort works a thousand times better.
3. Declining Satisfaction and Unrealistic Expectations (Mid-2000s)
By the mid-2000s, researchers began exploring broader patterns of marital satisfaction. The Journal of Family Psychology published studies that convinced them that many couples experienced a decline in satisfaction after what they called the initial “honeymoon phase.” They wrongly believed that was due to unrealistic expectations about marriage. They thought they had discovered a phenomenon, referring to it as the “honeymoon-is-over effect.” They doubled down and then concluded that dissatisfaction arose when the realities of married life failed to match early romantic ideals. This pessimistic view of married life is wrong from beginning to end. There is no real thing as a “honeymoon phase”. Your marriage is designed to get better every single day until parted by death, as you cultivate love and devotion every single day…when you know what you are doing. It reminds me of the urban myth of the guy who put his Winnebago on cruise control and got up to go to the john. The principles of marriage are scientific and solid.
This perspective also suggests there is a natural ebb and flow of marital happiness, which is utterly preposterous for those who know how to live their marriage. Their thinking is shortsighted, too, not suggesting how couples could navigate these unnecessary declines. Unconditional love offers a solution by prioritizing commitment and cultivation of devotion over fleeting periods of happiness that are rooted in non-spiritual emotions, encouraging partners to love each other as God loves us.
On the other hand, it is true that expectations will make you crazy. But it is the expectations you have of your spouse that are unreasonable. One should only have expectations of themselves if they don’t want to be disappointed. “Make no appointment, have no dis-appointment.”
Let’s remember the law of unconditional love. You married your husband or your wife to give, not to get. If you married to get, you will get plenty…of suffering.
4. The Deinstitutionalization of Marriage (Late 2000s to Early 2010s)
In the late 2000s, sociologists like Andrew Cherlin introduced the concept of the “deinstitutionalization” of marriage. As detailed in his book The Marriage-Go-Round, societal shifts—such as delayed marriages, increased cohabitation, and evolving gender roles—weakened traditional norms, leading to new pressures on couples. These changes made it harder for partners to align on expectations, contributing to marital instability.
This sociological lens is intended to provide a macro-level understanding of divorce, but it neglects the overwhelming dynamics of love within a true marriage. Unconditional love transcends societal norms, focusing on the personal commitment to support and cherish a partner regardless of external pressures. It is all academic nonsense for hose seeking happiness. Happiness is a solo experience created by learning to love unconditionally.
At any rate, I think this trend in “expert” analysis is merely a blip on the screen, but I included it because it happened. Marriage is not an intellectual pursuit. It is a spiritual path dedicated to seeking happiness and love. That is all a spiritual path is: seeking happiness and love. Not all of us are ready to seek God outright, leaving the world behind, and God knows that. So, He gave us mortals marriage, which is just as good for finding both.
5. The Transformation of Intimacy (Early 2010s)
In the early 2010s, Anthony Giddens’ concept of the “pure relationship” gained traction. In The Transformation of Intimacy, Giddens argued that modern relationships are based on “confluent love,” where partnerships are sustained only as long as both partners find them emotionally fulfilling. This nutty model emphasized intense communication to maintain trust but also normalized separation when satisfaction waned. Whaaaat? Kind of defeatist, isn’t it?
This theory framed marriage as conditional on mutual satisfaction. Wait, what?? If unconditional love is based on something, anything, other than choosing to give it, it is not unconditional. I had a close friend when I was young, a self-proclaimed “ditch digger” who was wise. He would have called Anthony “educated beyond his intelligence”. Unconditional love prioritizes commitment over temporary fulfillment or any other condition. It is the giving that we get.
6. Enduring Dynamics vs. Emergent Distress (2010s)
During the 2010s, psychological research introduced two competing models: “enduring dynamics” and “emergent distress.” The enduring dynamics model suggested that marital issues often stem from pre-existing incompatibilities present during courtship, while the emergent distress model pointed to tensions that develop over time. Studies in the Journal of Marriage and Family explored how these dynamics contributed to divorce
These models spoke of origins; they imagined tension rather than any solutions. Of course, we get excited about finding our soulmate, but we aren’t supposed to let that thrill wane. We have free will. When we use our free will to cultivate our connection, we win—our spouse wins, our kids win, and the world wins.
These people make marriage seem complicated and difficult. I am sorry to be so pointed, but it frustrates me because I know how simple marriage is when you know how. Yes, there is a lot to learn, like learning how to drive a car. But the joy of living in joy with your soulmate is heavenly, like nothing else. I urge you to look beyond these intellectual fellows and get with living in joy, as taught in my books Breaking The Cycle and Lessons for a Happy Marriage, can reinvigorate your marriage’s joy. My aim is to illuminate the spiritual laws that heal without fail. And, for those whose marriage is in serious need, by that I mean heading toward separation and divorce, our Women’s Marriage Course. And our Men’s Marriage Course is ideal for righting the ship of your marriage and sailing into the ideal waters of marital bliss.
7. The Role of Narcissism (Late 2010s to Present)
More recently, researchers have turned their attention to narcissism as a significant factor in marital breakdown. Studies published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that narcissistic traits—such as a lack of empathy or a need for admiration—correlated with lower marital satisfaction, often leading to emotional strain and divorce. This kind of thinking on the part of marriage counselors has killed so many marriages and ruined so many lives. It is like the “abuse” purveyors who must blame the “other” person and never do any serious self-analysis. Ninety-nine out of a hundred cases, the blamer is unaware of how they are affecting their spouse and doesn’t want to know. It is a very sad thing that therapists don’t understand marriage and how it is a spiritual path.
This focus on negative personality traits had the so-called experts think this idea added depth to their understanding of divorce, but it always leads individuals to imagine such traits are insurmountable barriers. It is all too easy for your ego to declare your husband (and sometimes your wife) is crazy. Well, we are all crazy. We are just different kinds of crazy. Do you think God put us together to find fault or learn how to love our soulmate, knowing they, too, are loaded with flaws?
Reflecting on Unconditional Love as a Core Principle
The evolution of psychological theories on divorce—from communication to narcissism—demonstrates the field’s growing complexity of dumbness. Each perspective has pushed more irrelevance, hoping couples and counselors admire their brilliance. These theories focus on identifying problems, most of which are self-created, rather than emphasizing the foundational principles that sustain a marriage.
Unconditional love is the cornerstone of a happy and fulfilling marriage. It’s the commitment you stick with, to love your partner through their flaws, growth, and even their and your most difficult moments. Unlike the conditional frameworks of some modern theories, unconditional love provides a stable foundation that can weather societal changes, personality challenges, and the natural ups and downs of life. I’ve explored this principle further in my YouTube videos below, where I dive deeper into how it can transform relationships.
Conclusion: Bridging Psychology and Principle
The psychological study of divorce has come a long way in the wrong direction since 2001, offering increasingly nuanced explanations for why marriages falter. Yet, these theories are not at all effective when compared with the timeless principle of unconditional love. By focusing on loving without conditions, couples can create heaven on earth.
What are your thoughts on balancing psychological insights with core marriage principles? I’d love to hear your perspective in the comments below.