Should I Walk Away or Fight for My Marriage

You never thought having the idea of leaving him, or her, could happen to you. The deep love you felt, the hopefulness and excitement were palpable when you first met. It was so deep. The joy of the transcendent love with your soulmate was powerful and its effects lasted for many years. Even when you had challenges and arguments, neither of you could have foreseen your marriage heading to this stage of uncertainty and questioning. Walk away or fight for your marriage? (this link goes to a video on this topic). Stay or leave and heal. That’s what the question comes down to, and it didn’t come down to this binary choice of A or B overnight. I am hopeful that by the time you finish this article you will be convinced that your lives don’t have to go through the grueling experiences of divorce at all. I’m going to shed light on truths about marriage. You will see for yourself that there is more than just hope for you. I’m going to help you define and understand in ways that marriage traditionalists never share because they are locked in a world created by Western psychological approaches that, despite their best intentions, never bring back the thrill of marriage. That joy that was yours on your wedding day is not gone. We just need to clean off some of the error-debris that hides it.

Marriage is a marvelous gift from God, our Father. His love for us is tangible in a marriage that is understood and lived according to its design. As your eyes open you will see no guilt or shame, no blame or fixing is necessary, just relevant education and living in love. I was “saved” from my previous vocation as a divorce mediator and now I humbly share what I learned.

I only want the marriage truths to guide you. But before we go there, I must warn you of a great danger if you choose to walk away.

Do You Have Children

Many years ago, my friend’s wife called me and didn’t beat around the bush. She asked me how, and if, divorce would affect their daughters.  If it did, she wisely wanted to know how old they should be before she asked her husband for a divorce. My simple answer had nothing to do with how I ‘felt’ about her, or my friend. Because I had been a divorce mediator until 2001, when I switched to marriage saving, I routinely dealt with the heaviest questions and issues. Addressing them dispassionately was routine for me. I told her the truth, “Your kids will be so traumatized that they will never fully recover”. As I write this, I realized I should Google the question (studies change over time). I went straight to an authority site where it confirmed

“Broken families, or families that have undergone separation, divorce, or other forms of dissolution, can have a significant impact on children’s emotional, social, and psychological well-being. Children may experience a range of negative effects as a result of their parents’ separation, which can affect their development and overall life outcomes.”

Don’t be fooled by the “can have” wording. It isn’t a maybe. It’s more like “If your kids fall off a 30-foot cliff they can have serious injuries”. No, it isn’t just a possibility, it is a certainty. From the studies I researched I discovered what actually happens to kids, and the disaster is a certainty. But I prefer sharing the above mild response over the statistics I shared with her that are so horrific that I literally cry when I think about what happens to the kids. The bottom line is that when we have children, we promise them a safe and secure life that comes from an intact family. Your children deserve your combined presence in almost every circumstance, from addictions to betrayals.

Not being a “Fake it till you make it” person, but a “fix it until you love it” person the guidance I offered even my earliest clients was more of a marriage manual; proven, effective, and reliably based on cause and effect. Back then, because we hadn’t yet composed the online courses we now have, I could only give her my book, Breaking The Cycle. It’s the second book I wrote. It was enough. She and her husband are still together, of course. So, let me state clearly – If you have kids at home, take the “walk away” off the table. If you don’t have kids at home, I still want you to be happily married, so read on.

Marriage Expectations vs Reality

Understandably, when we meet our soulmate our expectations of marriage and future life together are quite high. I’m here to tell you those expectations were not at all high enough – surprised? In this context I use the analogy of taking a high-performance sports car, like Ferrari or Lamborghini. off road. It isn’t that they are fragile, but they are designed for paved roads. Your marriage isn’t fragile, either. But think about how you treated your lover in the first weeks or months of dating and courting. In other words, you both stayed on the paved path of respect and consideration. You went out of your way to carefully choose your words, topics of discussion, and behaviors. Both of you expressed the love you felt and didn’t allow negativity or selfishness to taint. Because of miseducation about marriage, which is NOT your fault, you allowed street talk, sarcasm, crudeness, and anger to communicate, which hid and buried your heart’s love. The takeaway? You became overfamiliar with each other rather than cultivating the love and devotion that brought you together.

Can I Save My Marriage

There are different stages of marriage dysfunction. When people write to us for help (it’s a free service) called Ask a Counselor, the questions asked of us indicate the person’s need, whether its to watch my videos, read one of my books, or take the online marriage course. We don’t over-sell because you only need what you need. If you asked, “Can I save my marriage?” then you likely need the online course. But the answer is always the same; YES! Your marriage will be saved by following my guidance.

The bottom line is that you shouldn’t give up. There may be some small parts of your marriage that cannot be fixed, like betrayals. But they are in the past and nothing in the past can be fixed. But, when your marriage is lived according to how it is designed your future will be filled with happiness, love, and harmony. God didn’t create us to punish us. He wants us to be happy. He didn’t create marriage to torture us; He wants us to find the love that brings us more joy than we ever experienced before and He wants that love and joy to grow and grow and grow and grow.