As a divorce mediator who in 2001 converted to a marriage saver, many think I’m eminently qualified to share my views on this crucial question: When Should A Woman Seek Divorce? My insights run deep because not only have I worked with many women who sought my services as a mediator and were so pleased that they recommended me to friends, but my numerous ‘first’ clients as a marriage saver were women who discovered me at 2nd Saturday, a support resource at the time for women who were on the verge of, or already in the process of divorce. “2nd Saturday” refers to a series of divorce support workshops that provide unbiased legal, financial, and emotional information from local professionals to help individuals navigate the divorce process—created by the non-profit Women’s Institute for Financial Education (WIFE.org). To highlight my credentials, think of me as an undertaker of marriages who became a marriage-health coach. So, my biases toward saving marriages aren’t based on religious dogma, nor is my positivity that saving your marriage is the better path based on a Pollyannish view colored by unrealistic hope and faith. Did you notice that I didn’t say “working on” saving your marriage? Working on saving your marriage is, to me, an indication that you wouldn’t be taking practical, science-based steps, which is, unfortunately, what most people do. What I discovered when I first began searching for methods and systems to save a marriage is that marriage is a scientifically constructed entity. What do I mean by that? I found that, as a society, we think of marriage as “what you do,” but there were no teachings that explained marriage or taught people how to operate it or live within it. My discoveries continued to grow over eight years of working with women (and later men) on the brink of divorce, but still held a spark of hope. I never failed them. In fact, when I looked back at all the couples I aided in their divorce, I was beset with regret when I realized that all of the couples could have saved their marriage if only they had known. Now, The Marriage Foundation, our nonprofit, a fellow divorce mediator who funded the creation of it, and I established in 2009, saves thousands of marriages with our special online marriage-saving course. So, am I suggesting that no marriage should end in divorce? Unfortunately, that isn’t so. There are times when a woman should seek a divorce.
#1 If your husband is a pedophile, or even (sexually) attracted to children. This is serious. I have met with women who wanted to save their marriage even after their husband was arrested for indulging in child porn. In other words, a wife’s loyalty to her husband, for whatever reason, noble or selfish (it is selfish if her husband has wealth and she doesn’t want to give that up), is entirely misplaced when her husband has betrayed her in this perverted way. A man who is beyond the reach of modern psychological treatment, as is the case with pedophiles, is also unable to behave normally in marriage. His wife is a “beard” for him, enlisted by her husband to hide his psychological deformity. A wife must, as soon as she realizes the truth of his nature, take herself and her children out of reach immediately and hire a lawyer; immediately.
#2 If you discover something that puts you and your children in danger. A good example of this is a case I had where the wife found out that her husband was involved in smuggling drugs (my practice was in San Diego). Criminals are not like most of us. They are ruthless rationalizers who could hold you or your children for ransom, or worse.
I’m sure there are more. But, honestly, in all my experience over more than twenty-five years of healing marriages, not to mention the many years of bringing them to an end, these are the only two that are unequivocal certainties. I have seen too many “miracles”. Have I seen failures? Yes, but not many. The bottom line is this: if you want to save your marriage, I can show you how. It is like going to the doctor when you have a stubborn cold. She (or he, I suppose) gives you antibiotics and expects you to show signs of relief in a few days. It isn’t magic. It isn’t about therapy. It is about defining what is wrong and providing a viable and tested solution. It is scientific. Marriage is scientific. Your marriage isn’t falling apart because he did this or did that. It is falling apart because neither of you knew how to live your marriage. Now, don’t give up. Do what works and your marriage will be more than saved. Like a resurrected plant it will prosper and bear the fruits of happiness, love, and harmony…I promise.
