Plus – ” The hidden marriage science almost no expert knows or ever talks about”
Most husbands have said at least one of these three triggering things at some point without any clue how deeply it wounds their wives. Every day, at The Marriage Foundation, we hear from men who are shocked that their marriage is suddenly falling apart. “I didn’t do anything wrong,” they tell us. “I just made an off-hand comment. Can you help me?” The truth is, those ‘off the cuff’ comments strike at the deepest, but hidden, survival instincts every woman has.
The way I like to put it is that they are impacted at the sub-subconscious level. Once you understand the science behind why they are so impacted, you’ll know exactly what not to say and what is good to say instead. There is a definite science to marriage. So, let’s get you some marital education. This knowledge will help you.
I’m Paul Friedman. When I was a divorce mediator (until 2001), I sincerely was convinced divorce was no big deal — if you’re unhappy, I believed, and you tried your best to heal, and couldn’t end the suffering, then leave, nicely if possible. But then, one desperate couple tearfully begged me to help them save their marriage instead of divorcing them. I agreed because the counselor who sent them to me had already declared their marriage dead, so why not? Another try, by me, focused on communication, couldn’t hurt. But to do a good job, I wanted to take a deep dive into what, specifically, makes marriages work. I wanted to have a goal to shoot for, not just solve current problems, or ask how they felt about this or that. The approach I wanted to take, although far from “normal,” led me to discoveries that changed my life forever.
There is, as I discovered, a real, provable science to marriage. When you follow it, marriage becomes the single most joyful experience on earth. When you violate it — even accidentally — unhappiness is guaranteed. It is like driving on a snowy road without snow tires or chains. You may not have known you needed them, but the physics of a snowy highway versus an unequipped car is still going to land you in a ditch. It doesn’t matter how well-intentioned you are—physics rules. What I want to get across is that marriage, like anything else with a mechanical component, is understandable and predictable, and, most importantly, delivers predictable results, both good and bad.
When you learn and apply the science of marriage to your thinking, you will know what to expect from what you think, say, and do. Marriage is only mysterious to the ‘universal’ us, because ‘we’ have never broken it down schematically. The usual definitions of marriage, now that I know better, are pretty lame. I just googled “what is the definition of marriage?” The response? “the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship (historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman).” That doesn’t mean diddley. I later created more realistic definitions that describe its composition. I might get to that later. For now, let’s get back to the three things you should never say to your wife – and why. Focus on the reasons. I chose these three particular violations because we hear about them every day from men and women.
If you have a question, BTW, you can write to one of our marriage counselors – Free Marriage Advice
“Wow, she’s beautiful,” or “That actress is stunning,” and the like. There are many variations.
Let’s say you’re watching TV or you’re out together, and an attractive or flashy woman appears. Without thinking, you might say, “Man, she’s gorgeous” or “Wow, she’s beautiful.” (Be aware that turning your head is a ‘comment’ too). The effect of that kind of “innocent” comment is like a virus; invisible but deadly. Your wife is impacted but not wanting to make a scene, might force a smile, change the subject, or go quiet, but the vibe is frigid. You think, “What is going on?” You probably don’t get the connection. If you did, you might think “It was nothing. Why is she so sensitive? What did I do this time?” Let’s expound. She might have even been the one who pointed her out (not meant to be a trap, but it is), and you just agreed! It is as confusing as all get out until you understand the science behind her reaction.
Here’s the science: Every single cell in the human body is driven by one overriding innate force: self-preservation. Do you recall learning that in middle school biology? Well, it never stops being true. The self-preservation software is embedded in every cell. It manifests differently for men and women, though. In men, the drive manifests as the need to be the warrior, protector, and provider.
In women, the exact same self-preservation drive manifests as a need to be physically attractive and remain attractive. Why? Because for hundreds of thousands of years, a woman’s beauty was literally the power that attracted and kept the man who would protect her and her children. Her subconscious mind is wired to feel threatened (usually without knowing it) when her man’s attention is drawn to a potential competitor. When you point out another woman’s beauty — even completely innocently — you trigger an ancient, five-alarm fire in her subconscious: “He could replace me.”
In a split second, her mind races with questions she will rarely voice out loud or maybe even hear herself:
You might think your wife is super confident, not jealous at all. She may even tell you she doesn’t need a man. That may be true for her on the conscious, 21st-century level. But at the deep subconscious level, every woman needs to know she “owns” her man — that he will literally die for her and their children, just as she would die for the children in a heartbeat (and science shows women are wired even stronger in that direction than men are). Her beauty is how she won you, and it is how she keeps you. Any perceived crack in that foundation sends her entire being into an internal tailspin.
The fix is simple and powerful. If your eyes accidentally notice another woman, immediately say out loud in your head, not out loud out loud: “She’s okay, but she’s nothing compared to my perfect wife.” Your wife must know — not just in her head, but in the deepest part of her soul — that she is your queen and no woman on earth comes close. The “trick” (everyone loves tricks 😊) is to make sure YOUR mind is fixed on your wife. That way, your words and deeds will follow suit. Makes sense. Doesn’t it? This is the kind of marriage help I wanted to offer: working with the hard wiring, not just the bells and whistles so that everything you do is going to make your marriage better.
You’re explaining something to her logically, step-by-step, which is the way a man’s brain naturally works. She responds with feelings, intuition, or seems to change the subject. Frustrated, you blurt out, “You’re not even listening to me!” To you, identifying her inattention feels like you’re expressing a neutral observation (she asked!), but to her, it sounds like you are saying, “Are you stupid?” We know what’s behind this.
Men are head-first: analytical, linear, problem-solving, “tell me the steps and I’ll fix it.”
Women are heart-first: intuitive, emotional, using a different kind of “relational”.
Both of you can be psychoanalyzed for months or years by a creative therapist, but save your money. I want to help you have a great marriage, not mess with your mind. You already know men and women have very different operating systems, even when it comes to intelligence. You already know this, but sometimes you encounter a “you gotta be kidding me moment”.
The science here is ‘the science of communication’, and the solution is simple. You did not marry your wife because she has the highest IQ in the room (even if she does). You married her because her open heart made you feel genuine love in a way you had never felt before. Most men walk around with a fairly closed heart protected by an overactive mind that creates barriers to love. Women naturally operate on the level of the heart. The smallest particle of real love is infinitely more powerful than the greatest intellect. Love is a far higher state of being than the mind can ever reach.
So, remember that before you get crazy. Remember why you love her. When you accuse her of “not listening,” you drag a heart-level, soulmate conversation down into an intellectual courtroom — and love always loses in court.
The fix is simple and powerful. Instead of correcting her logic, be curious about her intuition. Say: “Tell me more — what does your gut say about this?”
That one sentence turns tension into a deep connection and shows her you treasure the exact gift that made you fall in love with her in the first place.
If you are wondering how to learn more about your marriage, I have written two common-sense books about marriage and created online courses for those, like me, who prefer to hear everything.
You see something online that looks exciting, you say, “Hey, babe, let’s try this position/move/toy.” Or, maybe, “Let’s try this tonight,” or “I saw this movie online…”) Porn thinking destroys more marriages than most men will ever know, and for many reasons. But sticking to the ‘science at hand,’ one of the reasons it hits your wife harder than a brick falling from a 3-story window is that it reduces marital sex into recreational entertainment.
The science here is deep. So, I will put it this way: entertainment is for momentary pleasure, and the happiness it brings you is thereby fleeting. The male mind doesn’t equate sex with love, and please don’t go new age on me and argue this point. Sure, you can train your mind to make sex a living part of your heart, and you should, but it’s not how the male mind is wired. We must be conscious of this till the day we die. Going back to the influence of the innate drive to survive, which includes procreation, the male mind is driven to impregnate until he dies.
Your wife, on the other hand, is not wired that way, and so when you are your crude biological self instead of her king who gave it all up for her, including your very bio-drives, she feels abandoned. I know; it’s a setup for failure. It’s God’s fault! He created all of this. BUT! He loves us.
So, what are we missing?
First, when you learn to transcend your bio-drives for love of your wife, to make her happy, you will gain, not lose. You won’t be less of a man at all. The warrior doesn’t die when the sex drive is redirected. When we learn to use sex to convey love instead of to achieve an orgasm (which rarely produces pregnancies, anyway), we live on a higher plane of love. That plane is not ‘just’ love; it is happiness to a degree you cannot experience any other way.
