Many men don’t realize that before a wife walks out physically, she leaves emotionally — long before. What often sounds like a “random comment” or just another complaint is, in reality, a flashing warning light that something deep inside her is hurting and longing to be seen. Women rarely jump straight to dramatic statements; they build up quiet disappointment until their heart can no longer hold the weight. This article walks you through five things your wife might say that may seem small on the surface but are actually signals of emotional distress in the marriage. If you learn to recognize these statements for what they truly are — cries for connection rather than criticism — you can shift your marriage back toward love, safety, and partnership before the damage becomes irreversible.
The tendency for many men is to automatically and spontaneously reduce the importance of this question from a solid eight or higher to a generalized complaint about “something” or other. To most men, it’s like when your wife says something that begins with a “you always…” so rather than hearing that your wife might be nearing the edge of her frustration level, most men react with a reactive 1st step to a fight, like “What is it this time?”. But what if it were you, not her, who was asking to get marriage counseling? Marriage counseling will not help your marriage, sorry to say, but if you think your marriage is failing, and you don’t know what to do, then the question isn’t a question as much as it is flashing red lights.
Men – Stop EVERYTHING! Take stock. How have you been treating your wife? If you cannot say ‘better than when we first met’, then your marriage is not only not firing on all eight cylinders (I’m from a time when most cars had 8 LOL) but it is misfiring and definitely not producing according to design. You need serious marriage help. Otherwise, the trend is not your friend and things will get worse…and worse…and worse.
If you are a lady reading this article (it’s the case pretty often), your husband isn’t ignoring you or your complaint; honestly. He is suffering from the same “I don’t know what to do” syndrome that is true for nearly every married man and woman in the world, and he is shying away from facing a path leading to even more unhappiness and even divorce.
The unfortunate and simple truth is that we are not taught about marriage, unless you consider TV sitcoms or movies as practical marriage education. What you should do, in my humble opinion, is seriously consider signing up for the men’s online course we offer. The course goes much further than anything you will ever get in marriage counseling. Nearly everyone who takes the course fills out an intake form when they sign up, so we get a chance to address any “on fire” issues. Just now one man wrote, “We went through therapy sessions and counseling over the last couple years, but I never felt like it went anywhere cause it was all very surface level.”
A couple of years!! In contrast, the course we have is so deep and filled with relevant guidance that you will need more than the 12 weeks of the course even to begin truly absorbing what you learn. But the emphasis is on a speedy transition to a positive trend. But I promise you. Your marriage will show signs of improvement pretty quickly. So, should you get marriage counseling? No. don’t waste time and energy. Should you take her comment seriously? Big time!
Bear in mind, although some women can be pretty direct, there is a bigger part of them that is reluctant to voice what they actually feel. Isn’t it true? Half the time, you are trying to decipher what she means, especially when she says “it’s up to you”. So, when they hit you with comments that knock you off balance, like “I didn’t expect our marriage to be like this,” You’d better know that the pressure within her has built up to a point that you’d better pay attention. To make it even more off-putting, because it doesn’t come out conversationally, it feels like an attack, and your defenses get in the way of you being able to stop and calmly evaluate… she actually may have a point you can relate to if you did remain calm. Did YOU expect your marriage to be like this? The point she is trying to express is not the current context; it isn’t a put-down. For a woman to say she is wondering why she married you, it means she is waiting for you to step up. It is the nature of women to be passive. It is also their nature to have deep expectations. If your wife says something along these lines, you must begin reconstructing your marriage and do it methodically. Again, this is when you seriously consider signing up for the men’s online course. From what I have seen over the past 25-plus years, I’m suggesting a need, not just an idea. As you have probably figured out, I’ll be recommending the online course for all five of these serious things your wife says. After all, the title says “serious,” so you need a serious response to all five of them. If you aren’t sure about ‘something’ going on in your marriage and want an expert opinion, you can write to our TMF counselors for their feedback. It’s free and valuable. The link is Ask a Counselor. Many situations don’t call for the course for men. If your marriage is just a bit off-track, it could be that all you need are a few reminders of what marriage is all about. Then, I recommend my videos or scan the articles I’ve written
This is a profoundly deep ‘topic’, not merely a warning sign. Even if she doesn’t say anything, including rolling her eyes or getting grumpy, think of this habit as a hidden acid dripping on your relationship. Our society not only condones men “just” looking but also encourages looking at and even openly and proudly talking about looking at “eye candy.” I’m probably older than you, so you don’t remember, but there used to be TV commercials where doctors spoke about the benefits of smoking cigarettes. Now, let’s not get distracted, but I am making a point; social acceptance is sometimes 180 degrees off. First, let’s make it personal, a “how would you feel?” If she were looking at other men, would that feel right? Of course not. This double standard error is deeply rooted in a perverse idea of what women are to men. Instead of honoring all women as mothers, sisters, and daughters, we are barraged with the notion that women can be objects of lust. In the old days, men who whored around were not scorned because they were “sowing their wild oats” and were not only given a pass but were encouraged to try a prostitute. We have not come far from those days, but marriage is not meant to be a circus. It was created for us to be what I call a sacred space. So, what do you do? You try your best to stop looking at other women and don’t make excuses for it to her or yourself. Also, you learn about what marriage is intended to be and start to live your marriage in the way that makes it more desirable than your base desires (sorry to “lecture” you, but we men need an occasional 2×4 across the head). In this case, one of my books may be enough for you. But watch my YouTube videos, too. This one is on topic.
Unless she has already moved out or moved on (meaning she has a lover), you can remain only marginally freaked out because your marriage is not over…yet. Can you save it? Absolutely! But the only way that I know to save it is, you already know what I’m going to say, by getting the course for men and, most importantly, adhering to the guidance with everything you’ve got. Going through it as if you are interested in learning is not enough. This is the time to acknowledge that you cannot possibly know what we know about marriage. You will likely write to our counselors a lot, too, which is okay and part of the program. The good news isn’t that you will save your marriage. The good news is that you will do a complete marriage reset over time, so your life and marriage will be lived in a way you never imagined. I pulled this from our ‘Reviews Page’
“Hi Paul and TMF Team, The perspective and knowledge provided by your course has completely turned my marriage around! All these years I have been waiting for my wife to fix everything that ‘went wrong’ and have been putting blame on her when all along the cause of my suffering came from within, from my own lack of control over the mind/lack of understanding of how it works. I am forever grateful to have stumbled upon TMF”
Remember this, for your marriage, and for all of your life, so that you can be successful in everything you do.
Difficult is not a problem; you do it. Push through the challenges with the knowledge that if it is right, you deserve it. It is what your Father wants for you, to be happy. So, never give up! When people give up, it is over, and that’s the end. When you persevere, you WILL make it.
This is painful to hear, but you should be thinking about how painful it is for your wife. Now, this may not be your fault, but that doesn’t matter. If your kid came up to you and said, “Daddy, I’m hurt inside.” You would hold back tears as you did everything you could think of to bring solace to your baby. The problem is that you have not been as attentive to your wife as you should have, period. All the comebacks you have for me are indicative of the male mind, not the truth of the matter. Ask yourself if you are the man she married. Ask yourself if you have fueled the love and devotion necessary to bring your marriage into a space of sheer joy. The answer is you haven’t. How could you have known? Here is a comment from one of my YouTube subscribers.
“Thank u Paul! The habits that you discuss are most of the habits that I never knew that I had. After two months with a couples counselor, they never gave us any homework or insight and it got worse by digging up the past. Thank you for giving me tools to work with, and I encourage everybody to get ur book breaking the cycle. The format is amazing to read and then reread the exterior pages for reinforcement.”
I would only add that the books I wrote are great, but it’s not enough for every case. You need to use your judgment. It wouldn’t hurt to sign up for the 3-day free trial to see if the course is the right fit.
We are here to serve you. We will do all we can to help you.
