To be sure, I appreciate most marriage counselors because nearly all mean well. I respect their sincerity and loving nature. But then there are marriage counselors who twist things they studied into destructive pretzels. This was sent to me for my comment.

“The most common defense I hear from men in the therapy room is this: “But I do everything she asks. I’m a good husband.” And they are confused when this “goodness” is met with their partner’s rage, or worse – her cold, exhausted indifference. Here is the systemic truth: Compliance is not Connection. When you wait to be told what needs to be done – when you wait for the trash to be pointed out, or the dinner to be planned, or the emotional temperature of the house to be read – you are not acting as a Partner. You are acting as a Subordinate. In Jungian terms, you are collapsing into the Puer (Boy) archetype, forcing her into the Mother archetype. This dynamic destroys Eros. It kills desire. Because a woman cannot sexually desire a man she feels responsible for managing. Understand what you are doing to her nervous system. When a partner has to hold the cognitive architecture of the entire household, her brain remains in a state of hyper-vigilance. She is constantly scanning for threats (or uncompleted tasks) because she knows you are not. She is locked in Sympathetic Activation (Fight/Flight). She cannot down-regulate. She cannot soften. She cannot be “fun” or “intimate” because her body is screaming that she is the only adult in the room. The Mature Masculine does not seek to “help.” He seeks to provide Containment. Containment means you are attuned to the ecosystem of your relationship. You see the chaos before she has to verbalize it. You feel the deficit in the home and you move to fill it. You take ownership of the shared reality. This is not about chores. This is about Trust. Trust is not established by doing what you are told. Trust is established when she realizes she can close her eyes, exhale, and know that you are holding the world together. Stop asking: “What can I do to help?” Start observing: “Where is the gap, and how do I close it?” If you want her to step out of her masculine, managing armor, you must give her a container strong enough to surrender into.”

As one who met professionally with hundreds of men and women, together and separately, I am going to break “her” (no man would write such drivel) advice down segment by segment.

“The most common defense I hear from men in the therapy room is this: “But I do everything she asks. I’m a good husband.” …..

No men speak this way. But let’s use this imaginative example: Defense? Why should a husband have to defend himself at all? The reality is that women who are frustrated almost always blame their husbands for it, just as many men blame their wives for theirs. In truth, however, this tendency to blame their partners, sadly encouraged by many therapists, would be pointed out by a knowledgeable marriage counselor to be an attack upon their soulmate, whom they promised to love, not discipline. Further, the complainer should be reminded that they are in session to improve their marriage for both of them, not chalk up some sordid victory over their husband.

”Here is the systemic truth: Compliance is not Connection.”

I suppose she wants to appear well-educated by using that term, even though it’s true (compliance and connection have nothing to do with each other). She then makes an odd, unrelated remark.  She implies her husband must be a mind reader to know what his wife wants and how she thinks. Otherwise, in her mind, he is a boy because he isn’t living up to her imaginative ideal of a servant…I mean husband. Real men will not take kindly to this insult. Ladies, if you think as this woman suggests, you will push your husband so far away that it will take him time to cool off; that is a guarantee. Do you actually believe your husband has to conform? That expectation, or desire, is not love! Love is being there for him with love, not judgment and demands. Your husband was fine, if not great, when you accepted his marriage proposal. Were you perfect? No, nobody is. But we don’t build our marriages on yesterday, today, or each other’s actions and non-actions. We strive to build our marriages on the reason we got married in the first place: love!  Love is the polestar for a happy life and a happy marriage. When you cultivate devotion for your husband, you will not be bothered by his flaws. You will recognize them as his problem. Don’t make his flaws into an attack on you. That is self and marriage, destructive.

”This dynamic destroys Eros….”

Here, she goes on and on about why she is not sexually attracted to her husband; we call that projection. She is trying to convince you, but is actually rationalizing why she and her husband have a lousy sex life. I feel sorry for her because she has not learned that sex is the icing on the cake. When you know how to use sex as a means of expressing and receiving love, you put aside the mental nonsense that has you tied up in knots all day. Think about it. If your husband were not there, your mind would be going off on someone else. It is the mind. In the teachings I share, one of the first things is to learn to watch and correct the mind, to get it to align with you, the soul. You are love. Your husband is love. The union between you two is sacred, not transactional. Live your marriage in joy!

”She is locked in Sympathetic Activation (Fight/Flight). “

Neither you nor she is in your mind. You have a mind, she has a mind, and you are responsible for maintaining only your own mind. If your mind is triggered by something your husband says or does, remind your mind that you love him, he loves you, neither of you is perfect, and “Mind, cool it!”  Go back to love. The mind will fight you, but you are the boss of the mind, not the victim of it. She refers to the fight-or-flight reactions coming to the fore because of the body’s innate drive to survive. It is not your husband’s responsibility to protect you from your own mind; it is yours. If he is impatient with you, don’t you want him to be more understanding? That is how you should be, too.

”This is not about chores. This is about Trust.”

The mundane is easy to work through when you are working on learning to love your husband unconditionally. In truth, nothing else will work, but this polestar will always work. Trust is wonderful, but trust God, and let Him work on your husband. Do you trust your husband 100%? Of course not. He is only human and a work in progress, as are you. Chores? The only chore is the inner work you must do to achieve the happiness you seek.

“Where is the gap, and how do I close it?” If you want her to step out of her masculine, managing armor, you must give her a container strong enough to surrender into.”

The effort she is making to impress you with her use of terms that are clearly over her head is a clear indication that she has no idea how to fix a marriage. I think she is a troublemaker. There are women who will read this and “relate” to it because it panders to their emotional desires. Men, on the other hand, will just shake their heads in disbelief that there are people who believe this crap (sorry, but I wanted to use a different word and held back).

To tell you the truth, I never wanted to write this article because I hate putting down those who sincerely want to help people struggling in their marriage. However, I think this woman just wants to be heard. If you want marriage truth, I labored for eight years composing marriage teachings into 2 books: “Lessons for a Happy Marriage” and “Breaking the Cycle”. Read them, and you will breathe easier, live lighter, and vastly improve your marriage connection.   Love and Greetings to you and your husband.