Discover the revolutionary practical science of marriage through the inspiring journey of Paul Friedman, a former successful San Diego divorce mediator. Explore articles and videos by Paul, available on YouTube, covering a wide range of topics to help individuals rediscover lost happiness in their failing marriages.
It is natural to want to tell a marriage counselor everything you can think of. The reasoning is that the more information any expert has, (in any field) the better they can assess and then create a pathway to healing. This principle applies to everything from fixing your car, to telling a doctor about your symptoms. But when it comes to psychology what is “hidden in plain sight” is that their education and training is not based on tried-and-true remedies. That is why the principle of sharing information doesn’t apply for marriage counseling. It is largely unknown, but therapists are not taught what marriage is, how a marriage works, or how to fix them when they are not working. They don’t have universally accepted processes or cures. No two psychologists approach marriage the same way. We trust our marriage to their “individual” thinking.
As TMF’s influence grows and spreads, my definition of marriage, including the “mechanics” that makes marriage work, and how to derive the natural benefits of marriage will become the accepted norm. But for now the most usual place to turn for marriage help is traditional marriage counseling. If that is the route you are taking I want to help you go in with your eyes wide open and why I put together a list of what you should and should not tell a marriage counselor.
Surprise
Many of the thousands of those who choose our marriage saving courses are themselves marriage counselors. But because marriage counseling is still the most chosen option, I want to help you avoid spending time and money on the wrong marriage counselor. I want you to go to your first visit with a plan. Maybe you won’t go back or maybe, hopefully, you will prefer our approach to revitalize your marriage, that would be the best option. But at least I will get you thinking.
#1 You Set The Agenda
All you want is to achieve a great working marriage, right? All of us got married to have daily growing happiness, love, and harmony… until the end.
So, tell them… “Doc, we want to know what we did right, what we did wrong and what we need to do to get ourselves out of the hole we dug ourselves into”.
Nobody needs to hear about their flaws, (everyone has plenty) and nobody needs to blame anyone for their marriage collapsing. The truth is that we were never taught how to be married so of course it is failing. Neither of you need individual “therapy” either. You just need to learn the tools, and how to use them, that will bring you two back into the place of love and happiness. We won’t mind, you can even tell them your agenda is a suggestion from TMF and our website says it all.
#2 Ask About Their Process
When people sign up for TMF’s marriage help/saving courses they fill out a short and ez intake form where we ask, among other questions, what else they tried. Many say they tried marriage counseling and it failed, or just made things worse. They wasted their time, money, and their marriage slid even more. That is the norm. People who become marriage counselors are generally really good people who want to help others, which I truly admire. But they are mis-taught and often led astray. Some, on the other hand, found the same science that I discovered and have a similar process to ours. It is a process that is clearly defined and systematically progresses you to success. If they don’t have that they can still be super nice people who you like, but they will fail you. Antibiotics don’t cure viruses and therapy won’t cure a failing marriage, period.
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#3 Make it Clear, No More Arguing
You are not going to marriage counseling to continue the arguments that’s been so toxic to your relationship. Tell them you don’t believe a couple in love should ever argue and that neither of you should ever, again, raise your voice in anger. You need specific tools, methods, and techniques, that will keep you forever out of the primitive reactive thinking that has already caused so much suffering. The general but wrong consensus is that anger cannot be eliminated, only “managed”. Another, and much crazier, generally accepted idea is that there are “right ways” to argue…no, there are not. All arguments must be thought of as no-no’s and you need the understanding and tools to make it unnecessary to argue, no matter what.
#4 No Looking Backwards
Childhood traumas, or any traumas for that matter may remind either of you of ‘lessons learned’. But marriages are not a place for dwelling on past injuries. Sure, during intimate moments it is okay to open up to your soulmate about something that happened to you in the past, but not to have them help you fix anything, only to show your love-based trust by opening up. A “session” with someone else, an outsider, is not the place for that kind of intimacy. Those are private and deep moments. They are yours to learn from and help you open your heart. Let them know that in no uncertain terms. You are in counseling to get help getting on the path forward, not to sulk about the past.
#5 We Won’t Discuss Our Sex Life
In the world of Western psychology, one’s sex life is an accepted barometer of how an individual or couple are doing. But, obviously, (isn’t it?) if you guys were doing fine you wouldn’t seek marriage help.
There is nothing more personal than your physical intimacy and you should never share what you do together with anyone. Besides, the whole world of human sexuality is geared toward mundane pleasuring, not connecting. Our very different view of human sex, recognizes its place in marriage as a high level connection facilitator, a connector that a couple uses to merge their souls. We see the usual “knowledge” as the equivalent of hitching a horse to a Lamborghini. Keep your sex life private.
#6 Don’t Ask About Our Children
I am a fanatic about taking care of our children. The other mediator I mentioned, the one who encouraged the formation of this foundation, used to say that parents are the akin to bodyguards for kids who are on a new world. He said imagine what it is like for them when the bodyguards turn on each other, what it does to them. And the stats back this up. Kids from broken homes are desperately ill prepared to deal with life. They get into trouble, do poorly in everything, commit suicide at a tremendously disproportionate rate, and on and on. Meanwhile, the standard POV among modern marriage counselors is that the kids will be fine…they will not!
That being said, the kids are not a part of your marriage and you need to keep them distanced from anything that might have them wondering if mom and dad are going to go the way of Johnny’s parents. Don’t get distracted. You have to focus on your relationship with each other. When your marriage will be fine you will know what you are doing with your children, and that is a fact.
#7 We Want a Defined Process
Their response to this will give you a good idea about their ability as a marriage counselor. When an expert can identify their system, how to progressively bring you a happy marriage, they are golden.
One of the most “radical” things I discovered about marriage is that they have a mechanical component and that when you understand it success is inevitable. No amount of discussions, or “tips”, or “agreements” work. What works, every time, is marital education that includes all the various components of your soulmate connection.
#8 Ask Them How Long Will it Take?
Included as part of their process should be a path of milestones, reachable goals, and what they look like. At TMF our approach as well as our process is clearly defined. There is no “marriage mystery” to a true marriage expert any more than the workings of the heart is a mystery to a cardiologist. Expect anyone who is offering marriage counseling, for the most important relationship you will ever have, to know what we know. Your attitude should be “they BETTER know what they are doing”. If they are not completely competent they will waste your money and worse, they will derail your efforts and you will become discouraged.
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#9 Ask Them to Define “Marriage” for You
Why not? Don’t be shy! You are not some bozo who just accepts scholastic credentials or length of time in practice as proof someone knows what they are doing. A marriage expert knows what marriage is, how they are supposed to function and what you need to have a great marriage. At TMF we call that science. I have defined marriage as an individual spiritual path that soulmates take together….pretty deep, and very deep. Shouldn’t it be?
#10 Ask How is Your Marriage Doing?
If you get an answer like “we have our problems” (most therapists are quite honest) suggest they visit our website, too, and then thank them and, off you go. When you know, you know. Marriage is based on simple yet profound principles that we are not exposed to…nobody’s fault. For your marriage to be what it is intended to be, a love fest of undreamed of happiness you must know and know you know. You are not being nosy when you ask how their marriage is. You simply want as much confirmation as you can have that they are qualified to guide you to the happiness and love that marriage is meant to be.