Financial issues often trigger a primal fear within our survival-driven minds. But you don’t have to be overcome. You have the power to separate your love-based-bond from your day-to-day challenges. What I’m talking about is much more practical than attacking each other with blame or insults because your highest order of marriage is to remain loving.

The Three Main Categories of Financial Disagreements

Here are the three main categories of financial disagreements:

• A scarcity of resources (not enough money for everything).
• Disagreements over priorities (where the money should go).
• Spending on an affair partner (This indicates a much greater need).

How Fear and Stress Influence Financial Arguments

To effectively separate your love-based bond from these challenges, you must recognize that the danger never lies in the money itself—it lies in how you allow your mind to react to it:

• When Facing a Scarcity of Resources: The mind is a two-edged sword. It is there to warn us of danger and does so with such a strong sense of urgency that we are immobilized. Then, what happens, and it’s human nature, the next reaction is blame and anger. Catch this reaction, slow it down. Your mind can calculate so take control and focus on the challenge without judgment, blame or anger. Do it together.
• When Navigating Disagreements Over Priorities: Because you are two different people, your minds will naturally assign value to things differently. The danger arises when you are sure that your way of seeing things is the only right way, turning a discussion about spending into a battle for control and validation. Being loving means respectfully pushing the boundaries of your mind to accept other ideas. Asking questions with an open mind is the right way.
• When Confronting Spending on an Affair Partner: This indicates a much greater need, and trying to handle it strictly as a “budget issue” will not work.

How to Handle Financial Stress Together

Often, day-to-day spending priorities are forced upon us by life—the heating bill is due, or the kids need clothes. In those moments of practical pressure, you simply do what you must, and usually, things work out. The way to deal with this is together so don’t freak out. That only pushes your mate into defensiveness or run awayness. If secret spending is the problem then even though it feels like betrayal, handle it with love. When your spouse spends and doesn’t mention it there is nothing you can do—honestly—so smile and tell them you love them. Then do your best. You may not like that approach, but it is honestly 100% true all the time. This falls under the category of “never try to tell your spouse what to do, what is wrong, or what is best.” Acceptance is the order of the day.

However, our focus at The Marriage Foundation is always on the marriage itself—repairing, saving, and elevating it above the panic of the material world. A financial disagreement can only hurt your marriage if you choose to prioritize “stuff” over love.

Four Principles to Protect Your Marriage from Financial Strain

To protect your relationship from financial strain, you must anchor yourself in four guiding principles:

• Keep it Holy: Your marriage will outlast any financial storm.
• Maintain Perspective: “This too will pass”—do not let temporary financial conditions suffocate you.
• Reject Worry: Your marriage is far too important to be undermined by anxiety.
• Lead with Love: Always infuse love into your relationship, especially when you least feel like it.

1. Guard the “Sacred Space of Marriage”

I coined the phrase “Sacred space of marriage” because, like any holy place, your relationship is where you should go for happiness, inspiration, and comfort.

Financial disagreements are inevitable. You are two different people, which means you will naturally see things through two different lenses, even if you agree on the big picture.

Keeping your marriage holy means that when a financial disagreement arises, you intentionally lock your focus onto your bond of love. Do not allow your mind to panic, no matter how loudly it screams at you. Just as you would behave in a temple or a church, remember your true purpose: you are here to experience and give love, not to “come out ahead.”

2. Remember: The Mind Is a Tool, Not the Master

The human mind is a valuable tool like no other. But it is vital to remember: it is just a tool. It is not you.

Driven by the primitive drive-to-survive, the mind is constantly scanning the horizon for every negative possibility. But you are the captain of your ship. You get to choose which warnings are actual threats and which are merely hypothetical.

When financial panic knocks, use the higher faculties of your mind—its capacity to calculate, prioritize, and discriminate. Rise above the fray. Choose calmness, and reside in the joy of the love you share.

3. Evict Worry from Your Mind

Worry is nothing more than a toxic embrace of fear, and you always have a choice.

When worry comes knocking at the door, tell it, “I’m busy, please excuse me,” and return your focus to thoughts of comforting love. Then, actively bring those loving thoughts to life. You cannot be consumed by fear and filled with love at the same time.

4. Feed the Living Entity of Your Marriage

Your marriage is a living entity. Daily challenges come and go, but the bond you protect remains. The stronger that bond of love, the greater its ability to withstand the external storms of day-to-day life.

But a marriage cannot grow without conscious infusions of energy. Cultivate your love for your soulmate, and mentally downsize current financial stress to its rightful place at the bottom of your priority list.

Financial disagreements can only hurt your marriage if you choose to prioritize “stuff” over love. The choice is entirely yours.