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Overview: Contrary to popular belief, especially among accredited marriage counselors, the vast majority of marriages given up as DOA can be saved. I know this because we routinely save them – don’t give up! The rare exceptions listed below are the only ones beyond our reach. These hardest situations are based on over 25 years of experience. Listed now, I’ll explain them later in this article. As you read, keep two fundamental truths in mind:
The defining principle is that she has moved on in her heart and mind; her only memories of your time together are painful, maybe scary. Romantic notions that highlight “the good times” or previous commitments don’t hold up to how much effort she made to cut the ties. Be objective. Be realistic so you can get on with your lives. Ask yourself: if you saw another man going through what you are going through, can his marriage be saved?
If you are not in the above, let’s get to work.
There is no magic pill; that’s not a thing. There are no spells, concoctions, tweaks, or prayers that will work for you at this point. Your marriage is a wreck for the same reason that most marriages end in divorce, and of those that don’t end up in court, the majority are not happy. They should be. Marriage is an ideal design for happiness. But because too many opinions and not enough “physics” are applied to marriage as a living entity, the lack of universally practical instruction means that we effectively get married without knowing enough about it to stand a chance – that is the unfortunate fact of the matter. But not to worry; we still can save your marriage. Now is not the time to give up or, worse, go to marriage counseling. Now is the time to do what it takes to save your marriage and rebuild it.
How to Tell If Your Marriage Can Be Saved (For Men)
For the record, your marriage can be saved. If you fall into one of these recoverable categories, this is our wheelhouse:
Maybe it’s not you so much, but most men, just being honest, wait almost too long before recognizing their marriage is on the edge. Men adapt to tension, so things go from bad to worse right under their noses. Well, the amount of effort you are now going to have to make is going to be greater than any you ever made before. That’s the downside. The upside is that when you make the effort, your marriage will deliver in ways that you cannot now imagine. There isn’t any boogeyman here; it is just work.
The following steps are layered, some simultaneous, and some “nearly” out of reach, all important
1. Learn Marriage 101 plus
I got my pilot’s license way back in the day, and I would say learning marriage is about the same in terms of complexity, new stuff, and memorization. It’s not your current situation that is the problem; it’s your whole marriage manifesting into the current problem. If you are in a dive and I tell you to pull up that’s not going to save you from the weather you are heading into.
2. Learn Temporary Coping Skills
I’m pretty sure this is what other courses teach, but it’s obviously not enough. You need to learn them, and some will apply later, but you want to know about and understand marriage inside and out so you always will know what to do and why.
3. Learn Gender Differences
This barely says it, but the depth and breadth of what you need to know can’t be encapsulated into tight wording (AI didn’t help). As you learn, you will have more aha moments than you thought possible. It’s fascinating stuff and not what you think. You will develop a real respect for your wife and, frankly, a lot more appreciation for what she has to deal with as a woman. The difference in plumbing is just the surface.
4. Learn About Yourself
Don’t be put off by the vocabulary; it is “simple” mechanically. When our psychophysiology is understood as subservient to our true self, a soul, the underlying obligations we have over our minds become self-evident. If you have a dog, you have to control it. The mind has a worse bark and bite; you will have to learn to control it. The way we teach you how to control it is one of the greatest things you will ever learn. You will literally eliminate, not just “manage”, anger, weaknesses to temptation, and other gnarly traits you have been living with all your life.
5. The Higher Aspirations of Marriage
This is the shining star that you reached for when you and your wife-to-be first met. Nobody described it or explained how to get there. Now that you are “willing to do anything,” you will be receptive to the magic of marriage and you will look back later to this turning point as a gift.
Promises, make-up gifts, begging for forgiveness, and swearing you’re a changed man—those words are worth about as much as birdseed in a pile of poop down on the farm. “I did my best” is BS of the highest order, and busting your butt using the wrong tools is like pounding in a screw with the screwdriver’s handle. The changes you will have to make are only achievable using the right tools and methodologies.
Most men make superficial, outer changes expecting to be recognized as “heroes” by their wives. They hope for quick forgiveness so they can resume their lives together and put the trauma behind them. That mindset will end your marriage and kill any chance of recovery—every single time.
Why? Because surface-level fixes never hold. We behave according to habits, which are driven by another level of habits, which stem from instinctive drives. When you put on a “new face,” any woman worth her weight will see right through it. Women possess an intuitive awareness that most men simply cannot comprehend. This intuition is a good thing, a VERY good thing, but we were never taught about it, so instead of gaining from it within your marriage, you took it for granted. You may have seen it transactionally, but that is part of the problem – we are not taught how to live our marriages on the deeper levels and experience the joy. It isn’t too late.
1. Paying attention to your thoughts and feelings
We are not taught the basics that have run your marriage (and life) up until now. Your actions – there are only three categories – don’t just happen. There is an inner, defined process. You will learn how to watch the mind as a separate entity that must be brought under your control.
2. Replacing undesirable, detrimental processes with beneficial ones
I wasn’t born with this knowledge. As I made these discoveries, I was amazed at how much we can change with such inevitable positive results. This knowledge is essential for marital happiness.
3. Learning the right goals and how to achieve them
The very reason we get married is that we want to be happy. That is the core of every other “reason”. Now all we need are the tools to achieve that blessed state.
If you want to reach the other side where genuine happiness is possible, you have to commit to a wisdom-based transformation—just as I had to do. I say “just as I had to do” because, to put it nicely, I am still paying off my own karmic debt. I know firsthand what it takes to do the real work, and I know what is required to make it stick.
Did you know that expression comes from the film industry? I’ve worked with many people in that world, too. In movie terms, it refers to skipping the setup and getting straight to the chase scene—the main action.
In this case, cutting to the chase means applying methods and techniques that are unique to our work. Through this process, you will gain control over your mind in ways you never realized you lacked. You will learn to eliminate anger, jealousy, arrogance, and the other destructive traits that haunt both you and your wife.
Having been saving marriages for over 25 years, I can tell you that choosing the right guidance for your specific situation ensures your marriage improves faster—without wasted time, money, or emotional exhaustion.
My credentials are unique and offer exactly what you need: the straight, unvarnished, but positive truth. Before founding The Marriage Foundation, I spent years as a divorce mediator, helping couples walk away from marriages that I now realize would have been simple to save. Through that work, I learned a hard truth: divorce does not solve problems.
In many of life’s endeavors, problems are simply challenges meant to help us grow rather than push us to run away—a truth easily overlooked when the stakes are lower. But marriage is different. Marriage is too important to walk away from, especially given the immense suffering that inevitably follows divorce.
What makes it tragic is that a simple lack of marital knowledge is the only reason people become convinced they have no choice but to split. Put more positively: with the right knowledge, you can eliminate the suffering and build a wonderful marriage. Looking back, countless marriages I once helped dissolve could have survived—and thrived—had the couple only known how.
My dual background, combined with eight years of helping hundreds of couples revive their marriages through structured processes (plus countless hours of study and personal reflection behind the scenes), gives me absolute clarity. I know the exact difference between a marriage that needs a little nudge, one that is just off track, and one that is hanging by a thread.
Even though your marriage is in a true crisis, we can help you as no one else can. Our online program delivers the exact tools required to rescue a relationship that has reached a critical stage.
Saving marriages at this critical point is the primary reason we founded TheMarriageFoundation.org. A fellow mediator (an ex-Navy SEAL) who was a true advocate for marriage convinced me to start the foundation and even covered the legal expenses.
Heading divorce off at the pass is my true passion. As a believer in karma, I know I am clearing a lot of bad karma with every marriage we rescue. For anyone facing a genuine crisis, our solo program provides the exact guidance and practical tools needed for full recovery and transformation.
My Transition From Divorce Mediator to Marriage Saver
In 2001, a client couple asked me to help save their marriage instead of ending it. I approached marriage strictly from a practical perspective—not as a Western psychologist dealing in backstories, distracting childhood traumas (everyone had it rough), or “how does that make you feel?” queries. Instead, I focused purely on bottom-line results. We turned things around, and their marriage became great.
That was only the beginning. Their case was relatively simple, but seeing their success made me realize how many couples were trapped in that same despondency.
From 2001 to 2009, I worked with clients live and in person, developing and perfecting a system specifically engineered for worst-case scenarios. I spoke at 2nd Saturday events and received direct referrals from some of the top marriage counselors in San Diego who previously sent me mediation cases.
I did charity work for local agencies, and as my reputation spread—especially after helping a high-profile couple in Hollywood—I began working with actors, screenwriters, and other prominent figures. My client base eventually expanded from California to Connecticut and to English-speaking couples overseas.
During that period, I wrote two books: Lessons for a Happy Marriage for the general public, and Breaking the Cycle, a deeper manual used to train therapists. These books are great, but you need more.
In 2009, we founded TheMarriageFoundation.org as a non-profit dedicated to saving marriages on the brink of divorce—or, in the eyes of the couples, already past saving. Today, that entire proven framework is available through our gender-specific online solo programs, allowing you to transform your marriage from the privacy of your own home.
If you are not sure, sign up for our 3-day FREE trial. If 3 days isn’t enough (it will be) don’t worry. There is a 30-day guarantee. Now, get busy. Your marriage can and will be saved- and a whole lot more.
As promised, I will explain the reasons for my earliest “discouraging” comments regarding situations that make marriage saving extremely difficult. I never say never, but these are what we have not been able to help men with.
Many men have made a bit of progress in a few cases (too few to separate them – they would all be anecdotal) using what we teach. The problem is that a man’s deeply embedded nature doesn’t allow most to forgive and move on. It is the man, after due reflection, that cannot move on, even when his wife comes back on hands and knees.
The same as above
Although some women get a restraining order tactically when they have retained a lawyer for divorce, the compounding effects tend to spiral, and because the “plotting” wife is adamant about moving on it is incredibly difficult for her to offer a second chance. We have had some, very few, cases where the wife changes her mind because the man who takes our course changes dramatically. But the patience required is beyond most men’s capacity.
This is the same as a restraining order but without getting the authorities involved.
It doesn’t matter why there has been no communication but we have not had any success in these cases.
