Young people marrying can dramatically increase the odds of their marital success.
Anyone can clearly see the previous generation did not prepare for marriage, due to the increased divorce rate. Many marriage candidates and engaged couples know, sometimes firsthand, the disastrous effects divorce has on children, as well as the divorcees. Of course you want your marriage to be a success!
Second-time marriage folks also have some concerns. They have to deal with their own past, failed marriage, which is never easy. Will their second time around be different? Unfortunately, too many don’t take the precaution that matters: marriage education. That’s why the divorce rate is even higher for second marriages.
Too many newlyweds are only armed with a pie-crust commitment (easily made, easily broken). Couples imagine they understand what it takes to evade divorce. But they will struggle in marriage if they are not proactive. Our point is simple: Good intentions and deep love is not all that is necessary for marital success.
Marital success requires understanding marriage. You need a manual, and hopefully you get one before you get married. Otherwise, you will repeat the same mistakes others have made.
Not out of stupidity, apathy, insincerity, or a lack of trying do couples fail in their marriage. Because they do not know how to be married, they fail, pretty much every time!
For the sake of illustration, let’s look at marriage as a long-term “construction” process, like building a house. The day you say “I do” is the day the building of your marriage project begins in earnest.
Say you are given all the raw materials to build a house, but have not had any training in the use of concrete, framing, running wires, or installing pipes, and you lack blueprints. Won’t you end up very frustrated? You will not know what to do.
But if you are given a concise instruction manual, all the tools, and a clear blueprint, you will be fine. Your completed house will not only be habitable, it will be beautiful.
That’s why we are not advocates for marriage counseling, or premarital “counseling,” or other ideas that do not provide marriage or pre marriage education. You need more than a few helpful ideas. You need the whole blueprint and an understanding of all the parts.
A manual for marriage now exists. (If you did not get marriage the first time around, I’m here to remind you that you’re not getting into something that happens naturally.)
You need to learn and apply different rules to marriage than other relationships because marriage only happens “naturally” when you know what you are doing. Our culture and environment influences us in all the wrong ways. Marriage may be natural, but everything around us isn’t. So, you need to learn.
Don’t get the wrong idea; I’m not saying marriage requires tremendous work, because it doesn’t. But it does require a conscious decision to learn how to do what is correct.
The dynamics of marriage differ far more than any other kind of relationship. There are many critical rules you must follow. The laws of marriage are just as vital as the laws of gravity. If you walk off a cliff, it won’t matter how much you believe you will fly; you will fall to the bottom. Similarly, if you don’t know the laws of marriage, you will make mistakes out of sheer ignorance. Do you see my point? If you do not have a manual, choosing to stumble through, believing you will figure it out as you go along, you are underestimating the importance of marriage and the value of marital education.
Some people go to their religious leaders for premarital coaching. I am very much in favor of this because every religion offers extremely relevant guidelines of life. I must also state, from my own experience with couples suffering from painful marriages, that those guidelines are not enough.
Others may see psychologists for premarital coaching. I also discourage this practice. Psychological systems are distracting, focusing on the negative to expose the dangers and pitfalls.
Psychologists don’t adequately discuss the great benefits of a sacred relationship, which is what marriage is. To help their marriage be successful, couples must understand all three aspects of their individual being (physical, psychological, and spiritual) in order to strengthen their marriage relationship. Unfortunately, Western psychology completely ignores the spiritual aspect of human beings, claiming it is merely “abstract.” However, the spiritual aspect of human beings is essential, and it must be addressed and understood in order to get the full benefit of marriage.
Please note that I am not a religionist. I think most religions are good. But marriage without a decidedly spiritual component is merely a protracted business deal.
Listed below are five premarital counseling tips (in which I use the word “counseling” only because it is closest to what people understand). I prefer “premarital education.”
- Know the person you’re going to marry very well so “hidden” traits that might offend you are not revealed months or years down the road.
- Appreciate your fiance for who they are. Don’t harbor any desire to change them.
- Don’t pretend they don’t have flaws. But don’t point out or acknowledge their flaws. It is disrespectful. But you must know them.
- Speak at length about raising children. Talk about how you want to raise them, include your goals, and how you hope to achieve them. Talk about methods of discipline. Discuss what you will do with your children and how much time each of you will spend with them.
- Talk about your future intimacy. Talk about what lovemaking means to you, but never correct each other. Tell your partner how you think your sex life might/will change after marriage. Be open about your expectations, but don’t ask for a commitment. Know for certain that a person will do what they want, that they primarily do what is familiar to themselves, so don’t expect change.
The above five are just the beginnings of a complex relationship. A truly happy marriage comes from unselfish and mature behavior. Learn what it takes and you will have the happiest marriage on earth. Don’t forget to tell your significant other, “I love you.”