First let’s go through how to make your new marriage work. Then take the quiz. That way you will see how well your engagement lines up.
1) Know “who” you are engaged to
You are not married until you say “I do”. Bear in mind that although it may be awkward to end your engagement, it is better than a lifetime of trying to make it work.
The dating period is preliminary. You find out if you hold similar values, have similar visions in life, want the same number of children, and things like that. Those are important. The trouble is people say what they think you want to hear, because some people only want to “score”.
Next is courtship. You decided to go for it, working your way towards engagement. This is when to do your research. You dig deep into who they are, and they do the same. This is the most important “work” you will ever do in your life! It is not bad to hire a private investigator if it is called for.
Most people don’t know very much about the person they marry until it is too late; after the fog of “emotional love” clears away. That’s leaping into water without knowing whats below the surface; not good.
Learn what is important to each of you, and more about each other’s character. A useful exercise is to list your values, then assign them a number from 1 to 10 for importance. Some basic areas are religion, children, abortion, political affiliation, giving, working, and so on.
The courting period is for thorough investigation. Don’t be shy! Once you are both sure and confident you can get engaged. This is also the time to begin building your marriage. Keep your eyes wide open for anything you may not think is good for marriage. By the time you say “I do” you have to be 100% sure of your choice.
2) Know yourself
“Introspection” is a big word. But you need to understand it. Introspection means you examine and challenge your thoughts, ideas, speech and behaviors. Do not be defensive. Be honest. You have to make yourself introspect, to see who you “really” are, the person others see. If you do not introspect you will not know yourself, or be realistic about your own behaviors. For instance, you may be unbelievably tough to live with. Being a pain to your spouse will erode your marriage faster than acid on silk. Only when you truly know yourself can you change yourself. Use techniques included in our pre marriage course. Being a positive influence in your marriage is important for success.
3) Know what you are getting into
There is no actual “marriage 101”, but if you are going to succeed you need to get premarital education, the same way you would learn how to drive a car; before you get behind the wheel! I emphasize before because once you are married you will begin to develop reactive habits, and if they are not the right ones you will have to work very hard to unlearn them.
New Marriage Work Quiz
- How well do you know your fiance? How long have you been together? How well do you know each other’s friend’s, family, hobbies, eccentricities, anger, morality, values, and so on. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being you them as well as the back of your hand, assign a number.
- What is their worst quality? On a scale of 1-5, 1 being no problem, how easy is it to put up with this trait?
- How much do you trust them? On a scale of 1-10, 1 being implicitly, how much do you trust them?
- What are you hiding from them? It is best to not reveal your past mistakes, but your hidden traits that will become revealed need to be exposed. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being nothing hidden, how bad is what your hiding?
- Is it both your intentions to get pre marriage training? 1 being you already signed up, 5 being on the fence, and 10 being no-way.
Your Score
Add all the numbers and divide by 5. That is your average. The closer to 1, the better.