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This list of do’s and don’ts for affair recovery is designed for one purpose: recovery. It is not for vindication, rationalization, or getting even. It is natural to want a blend of those things, but holding onto secondary objectives will either impede your healing or derail it entirely. It is best to remind yourself that what you want is a great marriage, which is very doable. Stay focused on recovery so your marriage’s success can be realized.
Over the past 25 years, I have seen the grave errors wives make when an affair comes to light. My perspective and guidance come from hands-on experience—first as a divorce mediator, which showed me the anguish of divorce for all concerned, then working for eight years face-to-face with clients referred by San Diego’s top marriage counselors, speaking at 2nd Saturday, and ultimately guiding thousands online through The Marriage Foundation. It was during those eight years that I studied, prayed, experimented, and developed the doctrines of marriage we rely on to this day.
Our principles-based teachings are far from armchair theories; in fact, the vast majority of marriages we save involve recovering from an affair. The steps below are drawn directly from those real-world successes.
The first “do” sets you up for success because when you do it your focus automatically shifts to the essential inner work. In our online course for women, learning how to master your mind, control anger, and apply true marital principles begins immediately.
But even if you never take our course, I want you to have the absolute best insight I can offer right here in this article.
Forgiving is #1 for a good reason, and it is far deeper than an abstract ideal. Your husband doesn’t actually need you to forgive him — what he needs is what he has always needed: love and connection. Forgiving him is really for you.
Conventional thinking says the offender needs our forgiveness, but that gives us a false sense of power that has no place in marriage. Forgive him for your sake, not his. Realizing that he will inevitably suffer the inner spiritual consequences of his choices—and genuinely not wishing that suffering upon him—is a sign that your heart is clearing. Praying for him with that kind of compassion is an act of true love. Learning to love him unconditionally is the real path to marital resurrection.
By forgiving him, you free yourself to master your own mind. You begin catching thoughts of anger, judgment, and blame before they escape into your relationship. Stopping those negative thoughts before they turn into words or deeds prevents destructive fights that only produce drama. Eliminate the emotional noise that pulls you away from your true mission: refocusing both your inner and outer efforts toward marital happiness.
When I look back and compare the progress of women who heed this advice with those who hang onto thoughts like “he needs to pay for what he did,” the difference is night and day.
Using everyday “worldly” communication tactics—the defensive strategies we use to protect ourselves from strangers—erodes marital connection. True marital communication is entirely different: it is positive, happiness-producing, and designed to bond.
Before you speak, challenge yourself: “Will what I am about to say infuse happiness, or will it trigger him?”
Mainstream marriage experts promote worldly strategies like setting boundaries, “talking things out,” and demanding fairness—without really thinking them through. If they did, they would realize those methods trigger defense mechanisms rather than infuse love. Practical, common-sense marriage saving and living relies on creating deep connection, not negotiating terms.
When an affair happens, your self-defense instinct flares up, putting your protective mind in charge instead of your heart. If you master that instinct—stopping the defensive impulse before it acts—you halt the usual cycle of mutual emotional pain. There is only downside and nothing to be gained by confrontation, whether it is direct, subtle, or sarcastic. This is one of those habits that needs to be eliminated.
I realize the immense pain you have endured and are still wrestling with, but don’t lose sight of your mission. Husbands never return out of guilt—guilt has not worked a single time in human history. But he will come back when drawn by love and you being able to fulfil his need to be cherished.
When I was a divorce mediator, I believed in divorce. I bought into the popular nonsense that “the kids would be just fine.” I didn’t embrace marriage-saving until a client couple asked me to step in and help them save their marriage instead of ending it.
What I discovered as I prepared for them was right in front of our eyes: nobody teaches universally accurate doctrines of marriage that transcend trend or dogma. The generally accepted advice available today is hit-or-miss, built on psychological trends rather than timeless principles. It is ironic—you cannot work a single shift at a fast-food restaurant without a week of training, yet people enter the most sacred commitment of their lives with zero preparation.
Through decades of testing and application, I identified the rock-solid principles that actually govern marital harmony:
I share this with you so you understand, without reservation: an affair is not your fault.
Society doesn’t provide real marriage education, so a “normal” good couple makes mistakes and, not knowing they did, and not knowing what to do, the errors compound until crisis hits. Then spouses react out of raw, untrained instinct: fighting, hiding, running, and suffering, because they just don’t know. I have worked with hundreds of men and women who got where you find yourself now, like Suzy.
I remember Suzy, whose husband was openly pursuing women on a hookup site. Her marriage counselor declared the case “dead on arrival,” but she was referred to me because I specialized in taking on the cases deemed past saving. She, and others like her, who were often turned away, were saved.
Over time—after helping a prominent couple in Hollywood—my work expanded from local charity agencies to clients across the U.S. and overseas. During those eight years, I wrote Lessons for a Happy Marriage for the general public, and Breaking the Cycle to train counselors. Those books saved thousands of marriages, but when a relationship is on the absolute edge—when infidelity has shattered your world—books alone aren’t enough. You need guided, structured application. That is why, in 2009, we founded TheMarriageFoundation.org as a non-profit dedicated to saving marriages on the brink. Today, our gender-specific online solo programs allow you to do this vital inner work from the privacy of your own home.
Neither you nor your husband had the benefit of real marriage education. Your unhappiness is not unusual, and neither of you is to blame for the ignorance society handed you. But now that you know the truth, saving your marriage simply takes guided effort, the right principles, and a willingness to master your mind.
I never pray for specific outcomes for myself, because who knows what I need better than our Heavenly Father? I do, however, pray for others—and I pray to hear His voice and be receptive to His guidance.
We are all His children, and He knows exactly what you are going through right now. But when you pray, do not pray for your husband to “straighten out” or change. Instead, pray that God takes care of him and eases his burdens. Ask God to help you become a true presence of love in your husband’s world, so he no longer looks elsewhere to fulfill his imagined needs. Pray for an open mind and heart so you can fulfill your role by His design. When you pray deeply, with complete sincerity and pure love, you draw Him toward you—that is an absolute fact, and He will answer.
Don’t ask questions about your husband’s infidelity, nor engage if he brings it up. Digging for details or replaying the past, or hearing his “confessions” only feeds the emotional mind. It pulls your mind back into drama. The key to recovery lies entirely in mastering your thoughts, words, and deeds in the present, then learning how to cultivate true marital love.
Please do not mistake this for an instruction to “pay penance,” apologize for his choices, or grovel to win him back—his decision to stray is entirely his responsibility, not your fault. Rather, take all of this with gratitude, as a cosmic sign that it is time to raise your own standard of love and communication. None of us are born knowing how to master a marriage, but improving how you think, speak, and act gives you absolute control over your peace—and creates the only environment where a broken relationship can actually heal.
Most people readily admit they aren’t perfect, yet very few know how to identify—let alone eliminate—the negative habits holding them back. You can make extraordinary progress simply by paying attention to the thoughts that immediately precede your words and actions.
While mastering this discipline is a core focus of our online course, you can experience its power right now: simply try observing your mind for just one hour. You will be amazed at what you discover.
I still recall the very first time I performed this exercise. Within just a few minutes of focused observation, the sheer volume of automatic, unchecked thoughts hit me so deeply that I was bawling like a baby.
Do not be afraid of what you find. Fearlessness is blessedness. Step forward with courage, master your mind, and become an introspection warrior!
In this world, very few people are capable of holding your marriage with the sacred care it requires. Most people—even well-meaning friends and relatives—are driven by curiosity, love to gossip, or unconsciously use your painful secrets to gain leverage or drama in their own lives.
I am not cynical, nor am I bothered by this reality; it is simply human nature outside of true spiritual connection. This is why you must elevate your marriage to the level of divine friendship and, in the meantime, treat it as a closed, private, and sacred space.
Do not seek advice from friends, family, or online forums. They will feed your anger, validate your desire for vengeance, and destroy any chance of reconciliation. Keep your marital space completely sealed. There are zero exceptions!
I am praying for you. There are very few marriages that cannot be revived from an affair – please know that. To make your venture into our course easier we start you with a 3-day free trial followed by a 30-day guarantee. If you have ANY questions, please, by all means, reach out to our wonderfully gifted TMF marriage counselors.
