As you begin to digest and know the 7 hidden rescuers for a struggling marriage you will realize that what you learn here will be immediately useful. Marriage isn’t meant to be mysterious. Like everything else in God’s creation there is a structure and corresponding process. But because of the negative influences of western psychology with its “let’s find what’s broken approach” to everything, including marriage, most of us forget the common sense of married life. Still, the clues for happiness in marriage are right in front of us.
Many of our members who take the courses for men or women, and even our YouTube subscribers say they just didn’t know a thing about marriage… after they learn from us. But they learned. They gain so much from our offerings. Here are some reviews. Like this one “Thank you very much for your response and the encouragement! I felt so lonely in this journey until I began with you all. Above what I am learning and putting into practicing your words of encouragement and the changes in my marriage all lift my spirit. I will continue to work on me. That is all I can control! We are better and better every day!”
We want to help you have a marriage beyond your dreams. This article may by itself, not save your marriage, but it will help put you on the right track.
Marriage is not just “another” relationship. Unlike every other connection we have in life marriage is all about love. It isn’t merely a “component” of marriage. Marriage is conceived in love and feeds on love. So greater than the alchemist’s stone it produces ever-increasing love. Marriage comes from love, produces love, and so when rescuing a struggling marriage, it naturally must be a joy-filled endeavor based on love. When love is at the heart of your efforts you will feel truly grateful almost right from the start. You should be positive, hope-filled and cultivate love.
Once marriage is understood through honest objectivity, we cannot help but recognize that a troubled marriage is neither you nor your spouse’s “fault”. We then understand exactly why most marriages these days are less than ideal. It is only due to a lack of true marriage knowledge. You will also understand that your marriage doesn’t have to be anything less than amazing. The seeming marriage failures rampant in society is not anyone’s fault. It’s just that humankind is a little behind when it comes to understanding this ultimate relationship of marriage. But you will see it for yourself as you gradually recognize how universal laws, which we are simply not taught in our modern world, will help you adopt the right approaches and get the results of happiness and love you so naturally crave. It is not unlike saving a sickly plant that you rescue with proper techniques of care. Back in the day I was a commercial fresh herb grower. A partner with Wolfgang Puk asked me for advice because his house plants were turning yellow and wilting. He thought I was quite the expert when I immediately told him he was overwatering them and sure enough they did better when he cut back. Similarly, when you start to apply the right approaches to your marriage it will revive and gradually do splendidly. It’s not your fault. We just are not taught about marriage.
I’m not the first to note and apply natural cause and effect laws for happiness. And isn’t marriage about happiness? Even ancient thinkers like Aristotle and Plato did more than theorize about happiness. They applied rules to everyday life. We, too (at The Marriage Foundation, for now), can now concisely articulate marriage teachings in a way that you can apply and benefit from.
The truths and processes I discovered were not always easy to devise. It was not always easy, nor did it always seem prudent to stick to the principles of love. For instance, where is the love in cheating? Where is the love in telling lies? Venting? Complaining, and…? Where is the love in screaming in front of the kids or neighbors? Like anyone else, as I worked with my couples and then my induvial clients (getting to that next) I was often tempted to analyze, judge, label, and imagine hosts of “what ifs”. I wanted to tell them what to do. But I knew better. Nobody but nobody benefits from being told what to do. And this brings me to a truth I discovered that runs contrary to everything we ever “knew” about couples counseling which is that couples counseling simply does NOT work, EVER!
One day as I was working with a couple (in the beginning I worked with couples), but I saw oh so clearly that neither of them was being honest, open to change, nor hearing their partner’s complaints. They competed and exaggerated, trying to show that their partner was wrong, and they were fine, if only their partner changed everything would be okay. If I allowed that the sessions were just going to be mediation, not healing. At the time I was only doing the marriage saving for a few weeks (I was a divorce mediator before) so to check my thoughts, that couples counseling was a set-up for failure, I asked a couple of my psychologist friends, the “best” marriage counselors in San Diego, what I might be missing. But they, then others down the years, confirmed that couples counseling was so widely “accepted” as the way to go that they couldn’t do something else. So, they did the best they could. Compromising for business purposes is just not my style. I just stopped doing couple’s counseling (except for a first visit or two) and came to realize solo effort, and it doesn’t matter which of the couple, is what works when you know how to marriage-counsel. The point that your spouse doesn’t have to participate or even know you are working to revitalize your marriage has proven itself. You should do the work yourself and it is better than any other way. The idea of working out differences in what you think of as a neutral and protected setting sounds good on paper and in some mild cases some couples can get a little help it is not the way to go. True marriage help through traditional marriage counseling is rare. I did a video on this topic some time ago. Common internet knowledge would have you believe 70 to 90 percent find marriage counseling beneficial. But although that’s the accepted hype there are no unbiased studies to back up that assertion. With all the veteran counselors I worked with, and taught, all know the “advertised” estimate is fake. If that success rate (and that is not a rate that implies universally acceptable results) was real, why would there still be an over 50% divorce rate? Traditional marriage counseling is dangerous.
Simply stated, Western psychology is the wrong tool for marriage help. I refer to it as flat Earth “Science”. Understanding marriage requires a different view than psychology affords. Marriage is based on love which is 100% spiritual, not on psychological principles of fault finding, labeling, and analysis. Besides, you don’t want to just patch a few problems in your marriage which is the best a good therapist can help you with. With the right knowledge you can do infinitely better. Almost no matter what the starting point may be (from “I can’t take it any more”, to “he is cheating” to “she said if I don’t change she wants a divorce”, you can save your marriage and have a truly great marriage by taking it on yourself.
Marriage is based on love. Let’s go back to this basic. Unlike any other venue, marriage’s mechanical components are based on universal laws of love. Recognizing marriage as a spiritual relationship rather than a psychology-based “something” we have our first clues and guiding pole stars toward rejuvenation. Efforts to express discontent (as is utilized in couples counseling) only breeds resentment. It is difficult enough to change ourselves. Yet traditional marriage counselors routinely set up agreements that ask you or your spouse to change even though in the back of your mind you know it’s not enough and not on point. It does not work, and it misses the point.
In the system I devised and we use you can bring love and happiness back into your marriage with a combination of self-work and learning and applying the laws of marriage which are common sense laws. Then your spouse is inspired with renewed hope and the dynamic is shifted and an upward cycle begins. Thankfully, true marital laws are practical, easy to understand, and doable. Your marriage, when lived accordingly, becomes the most amazing relationship for happiness and love. Marriage improvement is surely not meant to be a struggle.
Think of these 7 rescuers as steps. That way your marriage will improve systematically. As a dynamo marriage is perfectly designed to deliver happiness, love, and harmony. Like anything else that is purposeful. When you learn and combine the right ingredients and eliminate the current toxic thinking and behaviors you will get what you want. It is simple. Let’s get right to it.
Listing or addressing problems, issues, psychological labeling, or transgressions is counterproductive. When you learn and apply the rules for married life, those current maladies won’t block out happiness, love, and harmony. They will be gone. Focusing your individual efforts on marriage building, and soul connecting makes all the negativity disappear. Marriage is elegantly designed; just like a specialized machine, to bring the specific results of happiness, love, and harmony.
- Stop Arguing and Inputting NegativityReplace with patience, consideration, and understanding“Fools argue, and wise men discuss” Do you remember when you first dated? You avoided arguments because you know they have never led to happiness, love, and harmony. Our marriage teachings are based upon universal laws of morality and common sense. That’s why the first step is to clean up your (not his or her) act. Stop your automatic reactions of anger. Don’t submit to emotions, don’t blame them for your anger or your behavior. Don’t ever start an argument! If your spouse starts one, then tell them how smart they are and give them a loving hug. Sound too simplistic? Of course, it is. You don’t have to have a PhD in marriage to be happy. The best way to stop arguing, dishing out mean glances, cold shoulders or whatever is coming between you, is to practice opposites.
- Learn The Real Goals and Purpose of Marriage Make happiness, love, and harmony your pole stars This one is easy. Write them down, repeat them out loud, make it into a mantra. Then predicate your behavior on these four polestars. 1. Happiness 2. Love 3. Harmony, and remember the purpose is to 4. Learn to love, unconditionally
- Learn ‘How’ Marriage Delivers Happiness and Love
Work with, not against, the “machinery” of your marriage Think before you act. Proactively make all your actions positive, loving, and supportive. Marriage is uniquely close quarters with your soulmate. You though, have made them into your cell mate. Now, adopt a resolute determination to control your thinking and behavior. Be a soulmate, again. - Learn The Hierarchy of Body, Mind, and Soul How the hierarchy of body, mind, and soul fits in your life and marriage Because we are passively taught that we are a mind and body we give too much credence to emotions etc. We need to step back and relearn we are souls who possess those. It means we are: 1. Responsible for what our mind and body does and2. We must exercise definite control over them. That it takes time and techniques to gain meaningful control over the mind should inspire, not deter you. I introduced the SEW technique as a perfect tool to help you.
- Learn How to Control Anger and Emotions Mastering your mind is essential to happiness Refer to #4. Controlling the mind is a spiritual discipline we must take on when we realize the mind is not on our side, not seeking happiness and love, unless we direct it. You can have the most exquisite car ever built and when you learn what it can do and how to control it you will then enjoy it. The same is true for marriage.
- Learn The Basic Rules for Marriage Rules of behavior are guardrails for the marital path There are simple rules we must learn (like the top 10 do’s and don’ts you can download from our website) so when we are at a fork in the road, we can easily know what we should do. Many of the rules run contrary to what is “common knowledge” and that is to be expected. The real rules don’t lead to a struggling marriage. They lead to marital bliss.
- Learn How to Cultivate Love Recognizing our role in cultivating love is essential This begins with understanding that the mind is not capable of love. What is described as emotional love is a shadow of the true love you feel in your heart. Cultivating love is a process of overcoming the mind’s fears (souls don’t fear anything), and training it to step aside for true love. Everyone has experienced love, at weddings, watching their kids, and when you first met your soulmate. We have also experienced the mind taking over, pushing aside the deep feeling. Cultivating love means training the mind and lifting ourselves above all to feel the indescribable joy that comes with it. It is that JOY we all want and need. Marriage is the perfect way to have it.
Is My Marriage Over?
Almost always a troubled marriage isn’t close to divorce. You just need good marriage training. Over the years I found that these seven secret saviors of a troubled marriage proved to be just what the doctor ordered. Either Breaking the Cycle or Lessons for a Happy Marriage are also quite helpful. They clearly line out what a good marriage is supposed to look like. This isn’t theoretical. It is based on 23 years of helping marriages. I welcome you to our website to download the 10 top dos and don’ts for marriage. Remember, you got married for happiness, love, and harmony.
