There are a lot of things that go on before you get married, but fighting is not supposed to be one of them. The things you are supposed to be doing are what we call “marriage building” actions.
How in the world can fighting be a good thing? How can you feel safe about getting married if you are already fighting? Fighting is a destructive thing. It is never good for either of you, or your upcoming marriage.
I have heard all the excuses, by the way. Some couples tell me that it is a “cultural thing”. Others insist to me..to me!…that fighting is normal. Like, I don’t know what is “normal” for marriage?!
If fighting is normal, why would you want to get married? Do you want to fight your whole lives? Do you really want to live in close quarters with someone with whom there is fighting? I call those couples cell mates, not soul mates!
Before you get married you should be building your relationship, your trust, and your connection. You should be getting to know one another’s ways, so you can be there for each other. Before you get married you can work on your reactions, and start working on your bad habits, so you can prepare to be really user-friendly with each other.
Don’t fight before you get married
It doesn’t matter how triggered you are, what you get upset about, or what happens. No matter if you think “ah, this is worth fighting over” ; don’t! The whole idea of marriage is to love and feel love. Fighting is one of the most craziest things you can do. It is like going up in an airplane, and start throwing rocks at the wings.
I have to say, when I began helping couples with their marriages, even before I started The Marriage Foundation, I was amazed how some so-called marriage experts taught couples “rules for proper fighting”, as if it is okay to fight. To me, those rules are stupid. They suggest that human beings always have to just go with their emotions, which is just not true.
Almost the first thing we teach in our our online course, which is mostly videos, is the anatomy of a fight…so you learn, right away, that you never have to fight. Its all about love. Its about learning how to express love, so the idea of fighting never occurs to you . Honestly, it can take a few years to master the technique we teach. But just starting it will pretty much end all the fighting.